Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.

Moose on the Loose

Chapter 5 – Vaudeville Doesn't Need a Stage

Emmett

"Good, now that that is settled, Jasper, help me get Edward up."

"Nope, no, nope, only MY Bella, I want only MY Bella." Oh for crynout loud, even drunk he's a pain in the ass.

"No worries man, Bella's got ya." I looked at Bella giving her a wink to let her know it was okay and I'd be there to help.

I slipped in behind the tree and when she was helping him up, I quickly picked him up from the side with her so he wouldn't notice.

"Wow, see that Melvin, my Bella's strong."

"Yeah, I see that, maybe she can help me out of the tree? You're not leaving me here are you Edward?" Damn moose almost looks sad like his friend was leaving him high and dry.

"I'd like to help you Melvin, but I can't let Edward fall. Honey, put your arm around me so we can walk together."

"Of course honey. I love you. I know Emmett and Jasper can get you out of the tree, right guys."

"CRAZY-HORNY-DRUNKEN-VAMPIRE ON THE LOOSE, SAY WHAT?" We both looked at him like he asked us to stick our arm in a wolf's mouth.

"You're not going to help my bestest friend Melvin?" Edward pouted at us, POUTED! Clearly too much Alice time.

"Okay, okay, don't get all weepy on me. Come on Jazz, let's get Melvin down."

"And be careful with him. Emma will want him back."

"Who the hell is Emma?" Jazz inquired.

"His wife."

So here we were two vampires helping a drunken moose out of a tree. Now there's something I never in a million years would have thought I'd be doing. We got Melvin out of the tree and somewhat standing. I guess his legs were a little wobbly from being up there so long or the intoxication. Either way he was out of the tree and our hair. One drunk is more than enough to handle.

"Alright, now that you're down, you can go about your business. You know moose business. Whatever it is that moose do in the woods, not that I would know or anything like that since I'm not a moose. I eat moose on occasion, but not you since you're a friend." God help me I was rambling like I was drunk now.

"Noooo, we can't leave Melvin here, his wife is mad at him. He can come home with us until Emma cools down." Edward emphatically stated.

I whispered to Jasper, "is that moose pouting at us?"

"Yeah, I think so and I feel bad. We can't leave him here all alone," he whispered back. Well its official, I've seen it all. I can happily go to the great vampire heaven in the sky now which has visitation rights to all other heavens or so I'm told.

"And here I thought we might be able to make a rug out of him after we eat him." Yeah, a snack and a rug, Alice would be proud of me getting a two for one deal.

"Nooooo, moose are friends not fooood." Edward stated.

"Emmett you help Melvin as we walk back, I'm going to help Edward and Bella. We don't want Bella falling, right Edward?" Sneaky SOB, leaving me with the smelly beast, but then again Edward didn't smell so swift either.

We arrived back at the house after a lovely evening stroll through the forest as the moonlight sparkled down between the trees and a light wind wafted the scent of cherry blossoms across the land. If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you. It was the walk from hell. One tripping moose, and one tripping Bella who took Edward with her as they fell on the ground laughing hysterically and started kissing and rolling around. It was vaudeville in the forest, Vamp-a-moose-a-rella.

Did I mention that said tripping moose must be related to Bella since not only did he trip, he took me and Jasper out with him at the same time? Yeah, we figured out after the second trip to the forest floor that when his right foot crossed to the left he was going down so were able to stop him from falling, most of the time. All I have to say that I have never spent so much time on the forest floor, well without Rose riding me.

We got Melvin settle in on the porch and Edward settled in on a bar stool at the island in the kitchen.

"Psssfts, Jasper can I have a blanket out here, it's kind of cold." Melvin asked and I had to roll my eyes. You have FUR, since when do animals of the forest use blankets! I think I need a drink, wonder where I can find a drunk moose?

"Maybe you want a pillow too." I suggested.

"Hey, that'd be real swell. You guys are the best. I love you."

"Sure, coming right up." Jasper told him like it was an everyday occurrence. And then looked pointedly at me and said, "Esme would want our guest to be comfortable." GUEST, GUEST since when did forest animals become guests and not dinner at Casa de Cullen? Okay, so it wasn't as if we had them parading through here or anything like that for an animal buffet, but still.

"Yeah and I love you too and Jasper, Bella, and Edward. Its lovefest time, how about a group hug?"

"Nah, I'm too comfy to move. Who's Esme?" Melvin said.

"Esme's our mom of sorts and Carlisle's our dad, he's a doctor. My wife's name is Rose and Jasper's wife is Alice." I must be a nut; I'm explaining our family dynamics to a moose.

"Edward's got a great family."

"I'm kind of thirsty." Bella said which thankfully squashed the family talk.

"I'll get it for you my love." Yeah him roaming the kitchen not such a good idea. Didn't want to have to clean up any disasters.

"No, Edward, I'll get it for Bella, you stay there and kiss her or something maybe give her breasts a massage. She tends to like that a lot especially from you. And it's good after such a long walk, loosens them up. Don't want them to cramp or get a charlie horse." Well that sounded plausible, hmm, hanging with Carlisle has its advantages.

"You'd like that my love?" Bella moaned and shook her head yes and that was all the confirmation he needed. You can thank me later lil sis.

As I was rummaging in the fridge for a drink, I heard Rose and Alice walked into the house. Good, some more help to get us through this crazyfest. Although, I think Bella could use some more crazy. Yup totally, so I added a little something extra into her orange juice. What the heck, it's not like she'd be seduced or anything because the seducer doesn't get seduced by the seducee.

A/N: Please review; every time I get an email review alert it makes my day!

Three good friends of mine, Michele, Laura and Lisa have published a New Valentine's Day Anthology, called Life is More Than Candy Hearts (The Candy Collection) and is available on Amazon www . amazon . com (remove the spaces). You should definitely check it out, I plan to.