Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own Melvin and the story idea.

Moose on the Loose

Chapter 6 – Moose Breath

Jasper

HOLY SHIT ON A SHINGLE! If anyone would have told me I'd be helping, talking and becoming friends with a moose I'd send them to Carlisle to seek some professional help. This was beyond insane. Emmett was even a little freaked out and that's saying a lot.

Did I mention the moose talked back to us! Edward was drunk as the lord and getting it on with Bella too!

I retrieved the blankets and pillows for Melvin, yeah got to make the moose comfortable after all, because that's just normal. After I got him all set up, I heard Alice and Rose come into the house. Good more people to help us out with the drunks.

I swooped in and grabbed my wife into my arms, "my sweet thing, I missed you. I love you."

"I missed you too." Our lips met and I was home. It was soft and loving, no rushing. That was, of course, until Rose screamed.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON THE PORCH!"

I pulled my lips from Alice and said, "that's Melvin, Edward's friend, our houseguest. Why don't you go out and introduce yourself." Yeah, that didn't sound too strange.

"Jasper what in the hell are you talking about?" Rose inquired and Alice looked to me for an explanation. Great.

"Okay, long story short. Edward went hunting, ate Harold who is Melvin's friend, Melvin and Harold got drunk from eating fermented apples, Edward is drunk from eating Harold, Melvin got stuck in a tree, we helped him out, we had a moose funeral for Harold and now Melvin is sleeping it off on our porch because he can't go home since his wife Emma is pissed at him. Any questions?" God I hope not.

"Edward's drunk?" Alice asked and of all the things I just said that's what she selected? Weird, but then again this whole evening has been nothing but weird.

"Look for yourself." I pointed at Bella and Edward who were lip locked, not to mention he was sitting with her in his lap and her legs were firmly wrapped around him. And, his hands were massaging her ass, and breasts thanks to Emmett. Alright, so I may be tossing a little lust at them too. Hey, it's what any good brother would do for his sister. I knew she didn't mind in the least and apparently not Edward either.

"Huh, I guess that's why my visions of him were off." I couldn't believe it, horndog and horndogette were groping one another and ready to drop and go for it at any moment in the kitchen, in front of everyone and she's talking about her visions, seriously!

It was just then that I realized Emmett was suspiciously quiet. The dude was never quiet. I look up at him and he was grinning like nobody's business while trying to stifle a laugh. Hmmm, time to have some fun with brother bear and break him.

"Yes, and you should know that Emmett and Melvin have bonded too. They're BFF's."

"Emmett is this true, have you bonded with dinner?" Rose inquired and I snickered.

"First of all, dinner has a name, its Melvin and Edward made us promise not to eat him, something about moose being friends. Secondly, he's Edward's BFF, I'm only the BF. Finally, he's a very cool moose, more klutzy than Bella." Damn the guy can think on his feet, and they say he's not gifted. He's got a silver tongue.

"Well, when you were rolling around the forest floor with Melvin, that's not what I thought." Talk your way out of that one.

"If I recall correctly, it wasn't my lips that were on Melvin. I'd be careful Alice, Jasper's probably got Moose Breath."

"What the hell are you talking about; the klutzy moose fell and hit my face. I didn't put my lips on him, nor him on me. I don't go around randomly kissing moose. If you don't believe me go ask him and ..." Hell, now I'm defending myself against bestiality.

"I should hope not, I prefer that you kiss just me and your breath seems just fine." Alice stated with a glare to Emmett and I couldn't agree more.

"Of course my lovely, there is no other for me." I stated emphatically.

"Hey Rose, Pffsst Alice. How you doin'?" Melvin said which almost sounded suggestive, like that TV show guy Joey. I thought for sure that Emmett would flip, but he just laughed it off.

"Alice, is he talking to us?" Rose was all wide-eyed and on the verge of a freak-out of epic proportions.

"Yeah, I think so. This is so strange. Let's go talk to him."

I watched as my wife and Rose walked arm-in-arm slowly outside to Melvin. They behaved as if they were approaching something they feared. Talk about chicken-ass vampires. It would have been almost comical if it was any other night and I just didn't walk several miles with a talking, tasty looking and smelling, tripping moose that I was not allowed to eat.

"Hi…Melvin, I'm…Rose and…this is Alice."

"Oh you're Emmett's wife. You sure are beautiful. And, you must be Jasper's wife and you're quite beautiful too." Damn suave talking moose, who would have ever thought, maybe he's a vampmoose. Yeah, that'd explain it because we vamps are sauvé.

"So, how do you know…us…I…mean we haven't met have we?" Oh darlin' obviously not, if you met, you'd have eaten him! I had to hold back my laughter that Rose was stuttering. Emmett, however, wasn't doing so well.

"When I was talking to Edward, Jasper and Emmett. I flove them, they're great and you guys seem to be too.

"Okay, nice to meet you Melvin. We'll let…you…rest. See you in the morning."

"Alright, talk to you two in the morning." Melvin said and Rose just looked like she wanted to run for the hills.

"So ladies, everything okay?" I grinned knowing everything was not okay.

"Oh yeah, everything is just fine and dandy. My husband is a BF with a moose that talks, and that's only because my brother is his BFF! And to top it all off, I was hit on by an ANIMAL!" Rose exclaimed while waving her hands in the air.

"Hey Rosie, I'm no animal."

"Emmett, not you, MELVIN!"

"What? Melvin, no more hitting on my wife, she's MINE." Emmett stated and I thought about it, he did hit on Alice too.

"Yeah Melvin, Alice is MINE, so she's off limits." Had to defend my territory without body tackling Alice to the ground to protect what was mine. The urge was strong to toss myself around her.

"Alright you guys, geez, don't get your antlers in a bunch. You're worse than Santa and his wife. A few compliments and you're all crazy."

"Yeah, right, should've made a rug out of him," I mumbled.

Emmett

When I heard that I almost fainted! "Wait a minute, you know Santa, THE SANTA, the one that lives at the North Pole Santa?"

"Sure, he's a totally awesome dude and his wife Anna is gorgeous." Clearly Melvin had problems hitting on the ladies. Better keep his paws off mine or I will eat him no matter what I promised Edward.

"He knows Blitzen and Rudolph too, but Rudoph's not so much fun." Edward said which kind of shocked me that his lips actually left Bella's for two seconds.

"So then you can ask him why he doesn't visit us and leave presents. I'm a good vampire, okay most of the time I'm good, but Carlisle and Esme are so good, they reek of goodness. It just oozes out of them all over the place."

"Okay, I'll give them a call later."

"Great, you're totally my BFF."

"WHAT THE HELL EMMETT? And who am I, chopped liver?" Need to do some damage control here with possessive crazy wife.

"Wait…what…no…you're my Rosie, my honeybunch, sweetheart, you're so much more than just a plain old BFF, pffft pleeeeeze. You're my BFFAEAEUTEOT," I gave her my trademark dimply smile to suck her in and I could see it was working. Yeah, I'm too cute for words. Hmmm, I'd like that on a coffee mug too.

"What is the world is a BFFFEAEUTEOT?"

"That would be 'Best Friends Forever and Ever and Ever Until The End of Time.'"

It only took Rosie one second to wrap her arms around me and tackle me to the ground placing kisses all over my face.

"My sweet, sweet darling, I love you." Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

"I love you too."

After kissing Rosie one more time, I knew what needed to be done to get this show on the road. I stood up with Rose wrapped around me like a piece of tinsel on Christmas tree branch and looking over at Bella and Edward.

"You know you guys could really use a shower, you smell funky."

"Hey my Bella doesn't smell, she's beautiful." Hmmm, I need to use Jasper's tack.

"Well you kind of do Bella, not to mention you have some stuff in your hair, you too Edward." Alice stated giving them the bitch brow. I smiled thinking, I love ya Ali.

"Oh such a shame to let that nice huge two person shower go to waste in Edward's bedroom, maybe another time."

Bella whispered to Edward, "you know, a nice hot shower might be nice." Yeah, you turn down those doe eyes buddy.

"Hmmm, it would definitely be a waste, my love; I've always wanted to use it with you. Let's go," Edward whisper yelled.

"Okay, let me just finish my juice."

Bella raised the glass and drank down the last bit and then turned to me to ask, "Hey Emmett what was this juice, it was excellent."

"Oh it wasn't juice that was a drink called sex on the beach." Her mouth fell open and then she blushed. Oh yeah lil sis you totally want to have sex on the beach or any surface for that matter.

"You're getting my Bella drunk?"

"No, not at all, she just needed a little something to feel…free." You're free for takeoff into Edward-land.

"I'm not drunk, Edward, but I can't say that I don't feel free. Pffft, let's go, I hear there is a nice shower upstairs, it may not be the beach, but…," Bella giggled.

Yeah, that put him at ease one, two, three, amazing. If Bella says it's okay, it's like god has descended the mountain and spoken or it might be the drink, either way, I like drunk Edward, he's so much more pliable.

"Okay, my love."

Edward got up and let Bella slip to her feet. She wobbled a little, but not much, she was surprisingly steady. As they walked out arm-in-arm, Edward's shoulder grazed the corner of the wall and some of the plaster fell off.

We heard them walking up the stairs, then there was a crunch and an 'oops.' Yeah, that can't be good, but hey, it wasn't me so I didn't care. I couldn't help but laugh.

Rose turned to me and said, "so my dear, up for a little showering too?"

"HELL YES! Let's just wait until frick and frack get upstairs, don't want to spook them." As if I'd turn that down, even though I wanted to listen in a little more, you know because I'm a perv, but I wasn't turning down sex with my Rosie. Besides, I was more worried about them falling over and taking us down with them.

"We'll see you guys in a bit, we're going out for a snack." Alice said.

"Alice, why don't you just say it out loud that the two of you are going out to get your freak on since Jasper over there is so pent up with lust he's about the explode from being around Bella and Edward?"

She huffed and replied, "fine, we're going out so we can fuck our brains out, happy?"

"Totally, now was that so hard," I grinned and the two of them took off.

There was more laughing and a crunching sounds. Damn, wonder if the house is going to survive those two. After we heard the door close Rose and I headed to our room at top speed for a little showering of our own. Yeah, perv remember!

A/N: Please review because Jasper needs some support after kissing a moose!

Three good friends of mine, Michele, Laura and Lisa have published a New Valentine's Day Anthology, called Life is More Than Candy Hearts (The Candy Collection) and is available on Amazon www . amazon . com (remove the spaces). You should definitely check it out, I plan to.

Here are some rec's of stories that I am reading that are either funny or fluffy, sometimes both, no heavy angsty stuff:

1. Realistic Love by nails233 which I co-write with her.

2. A boy, A girl, and a couple of Kilts by ladyeire3

3. Fan Fiction, Sex Gods and Single Girls by bannerday

4. Prince Charming Syndrome by mathisson

5. Bella Swan: The June Cleaver Experience by taylorishotterthanrob