Kiss Me, My Pretty
Part Nine

"Relax Yuu. Baths are a time to sit back and let all the crappy stuff wash away," Lavi said cheerfully.

"How am I supposed to relax with you two holding me down...?" Kanda grunted; his face changing colors to fire hot mad. The other two were each holding him by an arm and keeping him planted in the water; seated right by the entrance to the bath itself. Why did they have to resort to such tactics? He couldn't understand it. He only tried to drown them both and strangle Lavi to death the moment the man joined them in the water. He was also still entirely naked and uncomfortable. The sour mood was only going to sink lower at that rate. The way that damned beansprout had looked him over had made him self conscious to a silly degree and he resigned to curling himself up between them... Waiting for one of them to foolishly let him free.

On second thought, he could see why they weren't letting him go and the nervous tick in Lavi's expression did make some sense.

"Just pretend we're not here!"

"If it were that easy, I would never have to acknowledge you existing ever again." He snorted and sunk a little deeper, despite his inability to move his arms with him. He had his legs bent and knees folded up to his chest, where he decided to place his head and just sit there. He must have looked so pathetic being detained by a moron and a beansprout, with Tim prancing around on his head. Not to mention the fact that he was still covered in faint marks from his day worth of metaphorically getting the shit kicked out of him. The burn barely hurt anymore and the bruises were gone, but the deep cut in his arm was itching like hell and even his hard engraved ability to tune out pain wasn't coming through for him. He was simply too fucking tired.

An unintentional sigh escaped and he grunted at the noise that came from his own throat. The water rose up to his chin as he slid even deeper, not caring that his hair was fucking everywhere. Certainly, it was annoying as hell; but Dipshit One and Dipshit Two weren't going to let him live it down if he begged for them to release him, just so he could... Fix his hair. Not that he would ever beg. He was more likely to engage in a threesome with the two little fuckasses than he was likely to beg them for anything. That thought made his mouth curl in disgust. Over his dead body—especially with Lavi. Lavi wasn't bad looking, but there was no one else quite as annoying as Lavi.

"You alright, Yuu?"

"Stop calling me that, you little motherfucker."

"I'm just worried about ya, man. You're so high strung because of Timcanpy and all. He didn't mean it."

"He took my towel. He meant it. Stupid little shit."

"It's not like we're not all guys here anyway."

"Fuckin...tell that to beansprout! He's the little shit who was eyeballing me like a pervert."

Allen's face contorted into one of embarrassment for being openly called on. He hadn't meant to look like that, but the opportunity presented itself in a very convenient way. "I asked him if it was true what they say about Asian men," he finally croaked out to Lavi.

"Well... Allen, is it true?"

"Apparently not. He's definitely proportional."

In between the two of them, Kanda wanted to die. He was close enough to the water to breath in what it would require to suffocate himself to death. The thought crossed his mind more than once. It was a deeply rooted consideration with all that he was being subjected to. God was a cruel motherfucker, if he let this sort of torture prolong itself on one of his supposed holy warriors.

Timcanpy chose this moment to hop down from his head and take up a place on the knee he wasn't leaning his head on. He was eye to...blank face with Tim. "What do you want?"
The golem flattened himself and seems to be cuddling to him; licking the man's knee at the same time.

"You know, Timcanpy, if you really loved me, you wouldn't be causing me this grief," the dark haired man spoke unexpectedly. To the surprise of both men next to Kanda, Timcanpy stopped licking his knee and somewhat rolled over on his side, looking like a smushed ball. His little wings fluttered pitifully and Tim's little arm protrusion wiggled and made him almost appear apologetic. "You're sorry then? Damn right you are, but it's fine. Whatever. I'll forgive you…if you do me a little favor."

Allen watched in silent amusement. He never would have pictured the ice-lord to warm up enough to sweet talk an infatuated golem. Though, part of this scared him just a little bit. They appeared to have accidentally broken Kanda's personality with this constant badgering. Not that Kanda's personality was glittering with promise to begin with, but a complacent Kanda was a damn creepy Kanda.

"BaKanda? Are you okay?" His amusement was beginning to take a backseat to the growing dread.

"Of course, I'm perfectly fine," he replied in a tone too sweet to be considered fine when it concerned him. Laying it on thick? Yes. He was. Effective? Oh with utmost certainty. He already felt Lavi's apprehension at the very tone. How he hated—loathed even—to resort to such tactics, but his sanity was at stake.

"A…are you sure, Yuu?"

"Never been better. Right Timcanpy?" Tim responded by righting himself and hopping to Kanda's face and cuddling his cheek. "That's a good Tim. Now show me how much you really love me, buddy." He cooed and almost wanted to vomit at the way his own voice sounded in his ears. Actually, he was very close to punching his own face in. Teetering on the edge of going insane made him power through this horrible little plan of his. "Go take Beansprout's clothes. Lavi's too," he all but ordered and Tim zipped off without a second of hesitation.

A pair of silver eyes and one green eye widened when they caught wind of what the Japanese man was conning Timcanpy into doing.

"Ah! Wait! Timcanpy!"

"Take them, Tim!" Kanda called, pulling at his arms to try and free himself from the clutches of the two morons. Unfortunately, neither of them were letting go. They knew what his intentions were. Probable murder and lots of it.

Eventually, he just sucked up his pride and leaned to bite Lavi, clamping to his ear until the man let out a masculine shriek and had to unhand him. He freed his precious arm and commenced to putting the beansprout in his place too. It was a lot easier than he expected and he twisted Allen's arm until he actually flipped the boy over his shoulder—sending him further into the bath. The little bastards would pay and as Tim floated back over to him—holding the bathrobe that Lavi came in with—he knew exactly how.

"Timcanpy, distract them," he requested, maintaining a fraction of the mind shatteringly pleasant tone he now knew he could pull off. Tim was all too eager to fly off and start dive bombing them. Allen cried for Tim to stop and both of them were trying to catch the flying golem. Kanda had put Lavi's robe on and busied himself with collecting all of the clothing they'd brought in with them. With his arms full, he turned back to look on Tim's assault.

Once more, Tim had a fluffy bundle of material dangling from his toothy mouth. It took a moment for them to realize who was missing their cover this time and Lavi's face turned the color of his hair when the realization sunk in.

"I'm bigger'n you." Kanda sneered, nearly delighted when Lavi quickly dropped into a sitting position in the water; sputtering like a fool. For all his shitty day, he finally got Lavi back for at least a small fraction of his annoyance. "And I'm Asian." He verbally poured salt into the wound and ground it in, before turning toward the door—in current possession of every bit of clothing in the washroom.

"Kanda…w…wait, isn't this a bit much?" Allen laughed nervously. He really, really, really did not want to have to walk the halls nearly naked. He was damn sure Lavi didn't either.

"Tch. Not enough if you ask me." He waved for Tim, who zipped around and snatched Allen's towel before making his way over to the object of his desire to deliver the goods. "Gotta hand it to you, beansprout. Despite being shrimpy and short, you're about even with Lavi. Congrats. I'm more man than both of you."

Allen's face heated and he wanted to die; suddenly knowing exactly how Kanda had felt. Yeah, they were all men…but they were also all competitive and spiteful to some degree. Though, Allen's blush had another reason that he didn't even want to begin to address in his mind.

"I sincerely wish the best for both you in your trek back to your rooms. It has been…" He paused and smiled eerily nicely, "a pleasure." He waved tauntingly, still clutching to the bundle of clothing. Timcanpy dropped on top of the pile of fabric and Kanda padded out of the washroom barefoot and dressed in just Lavi's robe.

He left both boys to stare helplessly as he deprived them of any coverings at all.

"He just…"

"He did…"

"We broke him Allen."

"We did."

"We're a bit screwed here.

"…We are."

Kanda's face returned to its usual lack of expression; but inside, he was rather pleased with himself as he listened outside the door, to the two of them in their stupor. Leaning against the wall, he realized he wasn't going to be able to stay awake much longer. He'd screamed himself a migraine, punched tables, people and wrestled morons all day…then there was Timcanpy. Cursing to himself, he felt like he'd worked harder for that period of time than any hoard of Akuma he'd fought. Shit, Akuma were easier to deal with.

Continuing down the hall, Kanda passed Lenalee—who gave him the weirdest look before stopping before him. He attempted to go around her, but she moved with him. Leave it to that woman to recognize trouble when she saw it. He was innocent this time. They started it.

"Kanda? What's going on? Those look like Lavi's clothes."

"It's none of your business, woman," he spat and tried to move passed her on the left. It didn't work. Her fingers curled up in a long strand of his hair and pulled.

"Kanda…"

"Let me go."

"Is everything okay?"

He stared at her for a moment. This girl was nothing but a giant bleeding heart like the rest of them. He'd be fine if they just left him alone. "Lenalee, I'm fine. Leave me be. Oh and be wary of naked teenagers in the hallway." Leaving her with that abnormal smile, he continued on the only haven he could think of, with Timcanpy fluttering in the fabrics.

Thankfully, Lavi's robe was rather roomy…because it was fuckin cold in the hallway. "Stupid bastards," he muttered, opening the door to the training room and stepping in, making sure to slam the door and lock everyone out. His arms opened and he dropped all the clothes to the floor, not giving a shit that they fell in a heap and that there were sopping wet towels in the mix. So much for dry clothes, he mulled.

Meditation was the only thing he could think to do for a while; but when he finally did sit down, he realized the floor felt entirely too good. Slipping from his sitting position to lay on the wood floor, he resolved to rest his eyes for just a few minutes.

Just a few.

Not sleeping.

Even if it looked like it.

And even if Timcanpy decided to rest with him.

And he didn't swat it away.

He was being nice.

That's all.

And not unconscious.

Not at all.

To Be Continued…

A/N: Oh Kanda, you're such a badass. I have to toss you a cookie every once in a while.

Holy shit 17 reviews. Motivated the crap out of me, I won't lie.

Marufu-chan: I think I have a writing problem that I don't want to fix LOL.
Validate0: This is what most people call "a guilty pleasure".
Lazy Gaga: :D I love the hugs. I don't mind being threatened though, it's a different kidn of love!
Styrie: My mind is always in the gutter, I don't think in dangerous places, I am a dangerous place.
WakeToSanity: Poor Kanda, he's always the subject of my abuse, but it's because he's such an easy target. It's like he's painted an "abuse me" sign on him. And so I shall.
Lotus seed: Lavi is always asking for it. For once, he's given what he's asking for!
Elvin Magi: rofl, I'm glad you think so.
Yukaharu: Allen totes wants a piece o dat Kanda (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧) Who doesn't?
MexiJew: Lavi is a stitch and the bane of Kanda's existence.
LePetitErik: I'm glad! I try~
Chubby-king-chocobo: I've broken you, oh dear. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧) I'm so not worry. If you think this is crackpot, wait til its sequel.
Fridayyythe13th: Kanda is my punching bag. But I do love him.
Darker Than Black12: Tim is a master disrober.
Lingering Sorrow: I'm the messed upest fuck I know. You can't has my brain, it's like Allen looking at the soul of a level 4 (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧)
JewelRinoa: I will try to be frequent on the update here. People seem to enjoy my crackedness.
Raicheda: This will haunt Kanda's forever. This will haunt everyone's forever.
Booberry123: That'll teach them to assume about stereotypes!

And Moyashi: I LAV. And I hope you pee yourself forever because LOL. 3