Kiss Me, My Pretty
Part Thirteen
"He really said that?"
"Yes. He's broken. And you need to fix him before he gets on my fucking nerves with this passive aggressive pleasantry shit."
"He's being nice... And you're mad about that?"
"YES."
"Well...Yuu...he just thinks of you as more than just a face. What's the problem with that?"
"Everything is the problem with that, you stupid shit. I don't need him thinking I'm his friend!" His voice raised several octaves as his irritation was let out in heavy spurts. He had just about had enough. The stupid bastard's golem was still attached to him like a cancer and now the little shit himself was acting like a damn freak. The beansprout hadn't even bothered him for a moment all of the day following his spewing those words. There was something extremely wrong with that picture; especially after he had claimed that he wouldn't leave him alone until Tim was fixed.
Timcanpy was certainly not fixed-as he noted the moving lump in his Asian garb. The little asshat seemed to enjoy making his nest on the inside of his shirt. As long as it didn't prod around on his sides-like the last time-it could stay there. It was better there, where it was out of sight; rather than on his head or fluttering in his face.
"You don't think of him as a friend?" The redhead finally asked, his one green eye blinking as if this question was actually asked in surprise. Like it was some kind of shock that Kanda Yuu wouldn't refer to someone as his friend.
"And why the hell would he be? Have we ever even slightly gotten along?"
"No. But you complement each other so well. I just assumed the fighting was...I dunno...friendly rivalry."
"Friendly rivalry? Really?" Dark eyes exuded the most bored expression imaginable.
"Or a bromance."
"Fucking... Bromance? What the shit does that even mean?"
"Oh come on, you know. It's like, really close bros. Yours is more like a marriage though, Hahaha!" Lavi's laughter trickled in small first, then progressively grew stronger until he was full on choking on laughter. It was only really funny to him because it felt true. Especially after what Lenalee had hold him happened the night before—that which Kanda himself had confirmed just moments before.
Allen totally had the hots for the grouchy bastard.
And the grouchy bastard totally didn't even know it.
It was funny. So funny in fact, he just kept gasping for air because his laughter was spilling out faster then his ability to recover precious air. Even when the man's hands wrapped around his throat and started shaking him, he couldn't stop. If he'd been asked before, he'd have told anyone that he thought those two were going to rip each other's heads off. Now he thought those two were going to turn into the most hilarious case of "best friends forever" he'd ever seen.
"Kanda!"
The world stopped moving and Lavi sucked in one more breath and let out his last chuckle. Despite the whole world spinning, he could see Lenalee and even detail the scolding expression on her lovely face. She was always coming to his rescue when the hands of death threatened to take him from this world.
"Hi Lenalee~" He gasped and waved, his face still turning blue.
"Let go of him! You're going to kill him!"
"That's the point!" One more swift shake and Kanda dropped the redhead to the floor. This motion caused a disturbance in the bundled golem and Timcanpy started to flail around in there. "Oh come on, will you just stay calm in there!" He screamed at the moving lump just above his belt.
"Kanda? Are you okay?"
"It's just Beansprout's fucking golem," he groused and pointed at the moving spot so she could see and not think he was actually just screaming at nothing. "It wants to be near me at all fucking times."
"Because it loves you, Yuu~"
A foot moved down on Lavi's chest and settled into his sternum, grinding just enough to make the redhead flinch. "Call me that again and you'll be drowning in your own blood and trust me, I can make that a reality for you."
"Awhh…" A cough broke between the half hearted chuckle, "don't be such a downer. Timcanpy is just projecting his master after all!"
"Lavi!" A helpless cry erupted from Lenalee and Lavi knew why her voice sounded like it was a strangled plea for him to cease and desist. If he kept right on, then Kanda was probably going to break his legs and then fold him up like a pretzel to let him die in a puddle of his own blood. Even if she didn't exactly disagree with Lavi, she didn't want him to press his luck.
"You really want to be killed by me don't you, baka Usagi."
"Hng…Yes. Ah…give it to me, Yuu," Lavi moaned at the increasing pressure against his poor sternum and ribs. His arms drifted up and he snuck his fingers under Kanda's pant leg and kneaded into the flexing muscles of his calf. "Oh, Yuuuuu. Feel these muscles. So strong~"
"What in the blazing blue fucks are you doing, you crazy bastard? Get off my leg!" The black haired man tried to pull his leg off, but found Lavi's intent finally kicked in and his arms hugged around his calf just enough to keep him in place. "Damn you! Let me go. I have enough things after my body!"
"But Yuu….hnnnng, I just can't get enough of you~ You're just delicious~!"
Kanda's foot stomped down on Lavi's chest again and he tried to get free of the hold, "I swear to god, I will end you!" One more hard yank and he realized that Lavi had purposely let his leg go just before he could stop himself. He tried to step back and get away from the creeping freak, but he found himself toppling forward over Lavi. With lightning quickness, he had his arms out ready to catch himself; but even his speedy reflexes couldn't stop him from ending up straddling over Lavi in a horrifically provocative manner that seemed to please the Bookman too much.
It pleased him so much, in fact, that a smile crept along his face and he casually wrapped his arms around the man's neck; "oh, Yuu! So forward today~ This is such a surprise. And in front of a lady no less."
Between Lavi's invading his personal space and Timcanpy making a ruckus in his robes, his attention was scattered and he was growing with frustration that made him want to smash his skull into Lavi's until the bookman blacked out. Instead, he chose to place his palms against his chest and try to push away—finding out that Lavi's strong hold was a lot more solid than he originally thought.
"Let me fucking go, Usagi!" Too close. Too close. Too close. "If you don't let me go, I swear to fucking god you will wish you were dead!"
"But Yuu~ You can't just tease me and deny me~ Just one quick, kiss~"
"WHOA. Hold the phone!" Kanda's voice nearly cracked glass with the way he barked in response to that statement. Whatever flip he accidentally switched and broke Lavi's intelligence center of his brain, he really was beginning to wish he hadn't. "Wake the hell up you, moron. You're not gay!"
"I'll be gay for you, anyday, Yuu~" The redhead cooed again and began to pull Kanda's face closer to his own.
The sudden molestation was beginning to make Kanda feel panicked in addition to raging. Touching people was against his belief system…being touched by people was against that times two. Kissing someone was against his everything. Being kissed by Lavi was against that times forever.
"No! Fucking….stop it…you little…No no no no no no no!" He closed his eyes on reaction. Not because he was afraid of the situation itself—which, he was terrified of whatever broken thing was happening in Lavi's mind—but because he was horrified of his face touching Lavi's. Lavi was…Lavi…and he honestly thought he would gag the moment his face came too close for comfort. The redhead wasn't unattractive or disgusting, but…it was Lavi. That would be like kissing his brother. Sort of.
No.
It was like kissing Lavi.
And that was just wrong.
A noise filtered in the air between them and a long, silent, and uncomfortable moment passed before Kanda dared to open his eyes. If he saw Lavi's face that close on his…he was probably going to vomit. But the moment his eyes opened and he recognized a large amount of gold directly in his vision, he realized he'd been intercepted by Timcanpy. His face was pressed into the side of Timcanpy and the little golem seemed to be happier than it should—flapping its wings enthusiastically. Kanda couldn't even begin to understand why; because he hadn't done anything to it, other than use it as a cushion between he and Lavi.
Wait.
I just inadvertently kissed a…
"You are dead."
"Yuu?" Lavi said, cheerfully, from beneath him. His arms dropped from around the man's shoulder and he let Kanda sit up like a spring. He was prepared for the terrible backlash that came from doing what he did, but seeing the man that flustered and angry and off his rocker was almost worth the possible beating.
Dark eyes stared down—looking like the devil was possessing the Asian man. He looked ready to kill. "You just forced me to kiss Timcanpy."
"You weren't gonna do it on your own! Besides~! You are so precious when you're all shy and saving yourself for that special someone~ I'm almost jealous. Outside of your evil exterior, you're a real sensiti—EEP, okay, okay, I'm done!" He squeaked with a loud gasp, holding his hands closer to his face in defense of Kanda's threat to jab his fingers into his neck until he begged for mercy.
" You have invaded my personal space and in front of a woman, no less. I wonder what she thinks of you. You sick little fuck."
"Hmm…If anything she looks like she was enjoying the show~"
"I…" The girl yelped at being caught by Lavi's watchful eye. She turned and looked in any other direction she could. It wasn't like she could really help it. There were two attractive men contorted on the floor in the most suggestive manner possible. Her mind was going to wander. "I was not. You guys…need to get up…before someone gets the wrong impression…"
"Not before I break his neck."
"Oh come on Yuu! It was for a good cause! Timcanpy looks so happy he could just be cured at any moment, if he's not already~ Then you can move on peacefully about your business. Nice and free…single and available for any other suitors~"
"What the hell are you on, Bookman?"
"Life, baby~!"
With that, Kanda began to shake the redhead by the neck again. He just couldn't even stand it. He was so mad; raging to the point of putting his fist into something that could fight back so he could try again and again until he ran out of energy.
In fact…
He stood up, staring down at Lavi with deadly eyes, "I'm going away. If I see you at all for the rest of this day, I will make certain to remove you from your pants…the hard way." He emphasized, giving Lavi an exact idea of what that meant by a hand motion that suggested Mugen's sharp end would be involved in this separation process.
He walked away smoothly, but not before making certain to step on the redhead's chest one last time. The small cry that invaded his ears didn't even make him look back. Venting was his priority. Something with fists and the ability to take a hit was needed at the moment and despite how weird the little shit was being, Allen Walker was the perfect punching bag.
To be Continued…
A/N: Poor Kanda. Everyone wants a piece of him.
Booberry123: I updated a little quicker this time XD!
Etomacity: Oh no, I refuse to drop this one! It has too much potential and a sequel later on . It's too much fun to make go away. Kanda and Allen would be total BFFs if they were destined to romp each other.
Lazy Gaga: xD And I'm back to breaking Kanda. Haha!
Lotus Seed: Timcanpy was jealous of Allen, and decided to sleep in his bowl XD well…sort of.
JewelRinoa: Tim is the best!
Chibi123Poof: Timcanpy is a little troll haha!
WobblyJelly: :D Kanda makes a fabulous mom. LOL
Cheesybeans: Moar update yay!
MexiJew: xD The Yullen in this will be very discreet, because the good part happens in the sequel.
DutchyPuppy: This story is so retarded, that I fail basic life functions after I write a chapter. XD
Marufu-chan: Sankyew (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
Chibi-dears XD: Allen is all fluff XD
Me the awesome [anon reviewer] xD Here's your Kanda torture. You're welcome.
DGrayManGRL: I love to tease~
Spiro911: Kanda is such a derp and he doesn't even know it.
Mizuki Shibara: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ why thank yew.
EXO718: It's delicious and nutritious.
WillowC1: XD Glad you enjoyed.
Sonnenkoenigen: You are mighty welcome!
1Q84: And I hath delivered (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
WakeToSanity: Ah my darling. |D You're my favorite reviewer, and I write everything thinking "how can I break WakeToSanity today?" I'm ded srs too. I will harvest all of your emotions like I do to Pantera and Moyashi. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ you three supply my feels bank. Because I live on the tears of Orphans and emotions of my readers.
Thank you everyone! You guys are troopers XD