They stopped by the hotel only long enough for Dean to grab their bags and throw the keycards at the front desk. Sam waited in the car, knowing he'd just slow Dean down if he tried to help, and for once, Dean didn't argue.
Sam still hadn't had time to give Dean the full run-down of his meeting with Lakshmi, and wanted to wait until they were on the road. In the parking lot, Sam rummaged through their bags and pulled out his braille maps of the NW and by the time Dean got back to the car, he'd zeroed in on a few possible locations. Namely, the Hoh Rainforest in Washington state.
He said as much when Dean jumped behind the wheel and peeled out onto the street. "A rainforest? We have freaking rainforests in the US?" Dean asked with a frown.
Sam shrugged. "Apparently so. I guess I'm a little behind on my geography of the area since we never really spent a lot of time there. But here look," he grabbed Dean's hand and directed it to the map, trailing Dean's fingers along the wide, expansive area. "I mean, Lakshmi said that Parvati was isolated in the rains, but that she was also local. Washington and Oregon are really the only places it rains almost all year long."
Dean gave a slow nod as he navigated the Impala onto the freeway. "Well, it's all we've got until one of those feathered assholes decides to pop on down and let us know what the hell is going on." There was a long silence and then Dean took a breath and asked, "So what exactly did she say?"
Sam smiled a little and recounted the entire story, from the moment he walked in, until he said the part where Kali had died.
"Woah wait, Kali died?" Dean asked, his voice rising with wonder.
"Well I had always assumed she died," Sam said, recalling the last time they'd seen the goddess. It was weeks after their encounter at the Elysian fields, and Kali had attempted to help them using some of her blood magic. Zechariah showed, and not wanting another ass kicking, the boys had taken off, thinking Kali would be able to hold her own. "We hadn't heard from her since."
"Yeah well I figured that bitch had things covered," Dean said. "Oh well, good riddance. Anyway, so finish the story."
Sam did, and then rubbed his tired eyes and leaned his head back against the seat. "It's all we've got, but at least we know who did it, and why."
"Yeah, I just can't believe Bobby would be this stupid," Dean growled as he pushed the gas pedal even harder. "I mean, hasn't he learned his lesson about soul bargaining?"
Sam shook his head and sighed. "I guess not. You really think Crowley is behind this, though?"
"Who else?" Dean asked. "Who the hell else would go to all this trouble to fuck with us."
"There's a list a mile long, Dean," Sam said with a small snort. "Above and below."
"But the only one who would bother in soul trading is that limey son of a bitch, and I've had it up to here with his crap," Dean snarled.
Sam sighed, but he knew Dean was right, and honestly, he felt the same. It was just one thing after another. Demons, monsters, hell, heaven, rebellions and apocalypse. Now this, and Sam had no idea what the point would be. He figured Crowley wanted Bobby simply because Bobby had gotten out of his deal, all thanks to Sam and Dean, and Crowley was a fairly sore loser. But this… this was a very bizarre way of going about things.
"So we got some sort of game plan once we see this bitch?" Dean asked after several miles of total silence.
"Not really," Sam said. "According to the map, we've got a good two days drive on our hands. I figure we'll stop half-way and see if Balthazar or Cas have any new information."
"Yeah okay," Dean said with a nod. "Where's half-way?"
Sam grabbed the map again, feeling out the distance with his fingers and then said, "Looks like Utah. Salt Lake City's our best bet."
Dean threw back his head and laughed several times in succession before dropping his face and deadpanning, "No way Sammy. No. I don't do Mormons."
Sam rolled his whole head along with his eyes and shoved the map down. "Dude, it's not a big deal."
"Not a big deal? Have you met those fuckers? With their white shirts and black badges and heavenly father shit? I'm sorry, but no."
Sam, finding that absolutely ridiculous, tried not to laugh, but failed. "Dean, what's the big deal. It's not like they're going to send missionaries to our hotel room door."
Dean glanced over at Sam, and Sam, now beginning to be more visually familiar with Dean's face, caught a look of what had to be contempt and incredulity. "Sam, do you realize that we both have—and currently are, at least in my case—sodomizing men. Not just men, Sammy, but Angels. We are giving it to Angels right up the ass. No, Sammy, I don't do Mormons."
"Well you don't really have a choice unless you want to drive all night, and I don't recommend it considering we have to be at the top of our game once we reach Parvati," Sam cautioned. "I don't know why you care what they think, anyway. We actually know what Heaven and Hell look like. We've been there. Shit, Dean, I've been Lucifer. I think if anyone needs to be terrified of anyone, they should be damn scared of us."
qp
Despite Dean's continued protest, by the time they made it to the Salt Lake City city limits, Dean was exhausted and they were both starved and ready to get out of the car. They found a hotel just off the side of the freeway with a café attached, and though they received a few odd stares here and there, for the most part it was totally normal. No white-shirted preachy, pimply nineteen-year-olds tried to throw the Book of Mormon at them, and after the meal they made it to their hotel room without incident.
"I told you it would be fine," Sam said as he walked the perimeter of the room. He was getting better at recognizing things, only needing to confirm a few things here and there. That sent a pang of fear down his spine, however, because the idea that he might get used to it, and he might like it, only to have it taken away, was something he didn't want to deal with.
Eventually, when the Angels didn't show and exhaustion took over, both Winchesters resigned themselves to bed and fell right into a fitful sleep.
Sam woke sometime in the dead of night to a strange sound. He glanced around in the dark, but could barely tell the shadows apart, and though the glowing clock on the nightstand displayed the time, he couldn't read it. Sam started to reach for his gun when a warm hand closed over his wrist.
"What the—" but suddenly fingers were pressed to his forehead and Sam felt the familiar tug of being transported via angel. When he landed, he looked around and saw a very unfamiliar room. It was far more empty than the hotel, a few pieces of furniture laying around, and the color was all very muted.
"It's one of my penthouses," came Balthazar's drawl as he crossed the tiled floors. The echo of his shoes bounced off the wall, bothering Sam slightly. "I chose this one because there's a lot less furniture to trip you and break your neck."
Sam watched as Balthazar reached for him and pressed something cold into his hands. A glass of something. Sam sniffed it and then took a sip. Vodka tonic, splash of grapefruit. Sam assumed the bright thing floating in it was the cherry. Because… Balthazar liked cherries. Sam flushed a little and turned away from the Angel.
"What am I doing here?"
"Taking a break from your brother's incessant bitching and complaining?" Balthazar offered.
"We were both sleeping," Sam said, and part of him wanted to throw the contents of the glass in the Angel's face, but he drank it down instead. The vodka, a higher end, and strong, burned on the way down, but Sam needed that.
"Right well, even in his dreams he doesn't stop shouting and complaining and generally fucking this up. Or… fucking things, depending on what time of night it is."
Sam snorted a little and turned to his former lover. "Seriously, why did you bring me here? I'm exhausted and we have a really tedious mission to accomplish tomorrow. Did you get any information?"
"I did, yes," Balthazar said, spreading his hands open and smiling. "Let's step outside and we can chat."
"Why not right here?" Sam asked.
Balthazar pulled a face, closed his hand around Sam's wrist, and pulled him along. "I want to show you something, you stubborn monkey."
Sam tried to protest, tried to fight the persistent hand on his, but truthfully, he didn't try very hard. Balthazar opened the door to the outside terrace and Sam glanced around with wonder he couldn't help. This… this was a sight he hadn't seen before. It was dark and there were streaks of light absolutely everywhere. Down below, high above them, it was… amazing. His breath caught in his throat and he forgot, just for a moment, that he hated the arm that snaked around his waist.
"This, Sammy, is why people want you to see," Balthazar said. He pushed Sam forward until Sam's hand came into contact with the railing. "You know, the way you saw the world was fine. It was beautiful in its own way, and not a soul in heaven or hell, nor on earth, would blame you for wanting to go back. But you've been given a gift, and even if you intend to return it, maybe enjoy it. Just for the moment."
Balthazar's words flowed over Sam, through him, caressing and holding him in a way Sam thought he'd lost forever. He let his eyes roam over the things he couldn't explain, but he saw it. He saw the beauty. His vision started to blur, and it took him a moment to realize that it was the world through his eyes when there were tears in them.
"How high up are we?"
"Fifty stories," Balthazar said, his mouth very close to Sam's ear. He reached out a gentle hand and turned Sam's chin upwards. "Those specks of light, my dear, are stars. Did you ever wonder what stars looked like?"
"When I was little, once, I think I did," Sam said, knowing full well that he had wondered, but he hadn't let himself think about it for long. He sighed as Balthazar's hand slowly released his face and came to rest on his shoulder. He was facing the Angel now, and looking at him through the dim light and really seeing him, and he was hurting.
"You want to know why I left you," Balthazar said quietly.
"I know why you left me," Sam said, sounding bitter and angry. "It's the same reason Cas hates to let me touch him. The same reason that he didn't fight very hard for my soul when he pulled me out of the cage. I get it. You're Angels. I've been tainted since my conception. Demon blood, Lucifer, murders I committed when I was without my soul. I… I get it."
Balthazar's eyes shut and his face contorted. Sam wondered if it was pain, or maybe it was some sort of mockery or disgust. He couldn't tell. Balthazar's shoulders tensed up a little, and then he opened his eyes. "Do you honestly think any of that matters?"
Sam frowned. "Yes, I do. I've been told repeatedly that it matters by the other Angels. You left me for dead, Balthazar. What else was I supposed to think?"
"The other Angels, dear Cassie in particular, are idiots. And so are you, you know that? A stupid fool, and I hate the fact that everywhere I go, everything I do, I'm haunted by you."
Sam felt a rush from those words, and he searched the Angel's face, desperate for a way to understand what his expression meant. "So you tell me, all the time," was what he finally said.
"You're fragile, Sam, as strong as you are, and as brave as you are. You're fragile and reckless and stupid, and so often completely mad. And you're mortal and you're in constant danger and I just… I can't watch you die. Never in my life have I cared for a human. Never. I've watched humans lay their life out for God and for Heaven and for people. I've watched the most gentle souls ripped apart by the world, and I didn't care. Then you. You and your stupid brother came along and everything changed for me. I hated you, Sam Winchester. Hated you for making me love you and I hate that I can't stop."
That was really all it took for the dam to break, though later if Sam was honest with himself, he'd realize the dam had never existed in the first place. But he hadn't allowed himself to feel these feelings since the Angel had left him and now he was there. And the night air was so cold, but Balthazar was so warm.
It was all lips and hands and arms. Legs and so much pressure and oh god… so good. And he took Sam right there, right on the balcony fifty stories high and Sam cried out with pleasure as his eyes fixed on those intense stars and seeing for the first time the face of the Angel as he released and cried out in pleasure, and Sam finally, truly understood the beauty of sight.
When it was over, the Angel cleaned Sam up without a word and they walked back inside, Sam somewhat unsteady on his feet, but he didn't touch Balthazar as they crossed the room to where they'd initially popped in. His head was spinning, from emotion and anguish, because everything Balthazar hated about Sam were things Sam couldn't help. He was human. He was flawed and broken and fragile. And some day he was going to die and there was no telling, not really, where he was going to go when it finally ended.
"You said you had some information for us," Sam finally said, breaking the silence. He had his eyes closed now, not able to look at Balthazar because if it was regret on the Angel's face, it wasn't a sight he ever wanted to get used to.
"Yes ah…" he said and trailed off. "You boys are on the right track it seems, and the Devi is located in the rainforest. She might be a tricky one, however, because she's been given demon powers in exchange for souls."
"Does that mean she'll be affected by salt or devil's traps?" Sam asked, momentarily forgetting what had just taken place.
"Very clever, Winchester," Balthazar said, and he suddenly disappeared, only to reappear with another drink. "Fancy a second?"
Sam shook his head and the Angel shrugged, setting it down at his feet. He took a long gulp of his own and said, "I would be prepared in several different ways. Prepared to negotiate, and prepared to kill her. She's strong, so stay on guard."
Sam gave a sigh and a nod and said nothing as Balthazar emptied his glass. "Look I um.. what happened out there. It's not… it… it doesn't change anything."
"Oh believe me, I know," Balthazar said, just a hint of contempt coloring his tone. "That was most definitely not my intention, though I can't say I didn't enjoy it."
Sam flushed, unwilling to admit the feelings it had stirred in him, not considering the pleasure he'd felt once again. "I should go."
"Indeed. Cassie should be back soon with further information, and I'm sure he'll insist on accompanying you on this mission seeing as you two could really cock it up… given your track record with facing deities."
Sam tightened his jaw against the insult, but said nothing as the Angel tapped his forehead and he went hurtling through the Angelic dimension back to the dingy, smelly hotel room on the side of the road in Utah.
He fell back against the pillows, feeling sticky and sore in all the right places, and hating himself for giving in because it had taken so damn long for him to get into a place where he felt whole again. From the rhythmic snoring, Sam could tell Dean was still out, and that was for the best. He needed to deal with his own shit before talking to his brother. Balthazar had thrown a wrench into Sam's concentration, and he couldn't afford to slip up. Not with Bobby's soul at stake, and not with the future of how his life was going to be lived either.