Here's part three. Hope you like it, and look forward to hearing all your thoughts.
Part three ~ Everything Has Changed.
After the break up they avoid each other for weeks. Running circles around each other through the hospital. She only eats in the cafeteria when she know's he'll be in surgery and any free time is spent in the tunnels and the skills lab than in the attendings lounge.
It takes every last ounce of willpower she possesses to get up every morning, go to work, and wear a smile so her colleagues won't know whats wrong, but she does it, because if there's one thing she's learned, it's that April Kepner is a soldier. So she checks on her patients, and performs her surgeries, and doesn't let on that anything is different. Alex antagonises her and Christina makes a joke or two when they hear she and Jackson have broken up, but for the most part no one notices anything, they're clueless. Just the way they're supposed to be.
She moves into Meredith's old house, along with Christina, and despite the cardio surgeon's sarcastic comments and clutter left all over the living room, it's a comfortable arrangement, and April's happy to have the company.
She needed to keep her mind occupied. To continue walking the tightrope. Her life has always been a series of balancing acts. She's always kept her mind clear and focused, and her heart closed off from distractions, and for the most part there was never anyone to disturb the rythym, until Jackson came along.
But the circus act she's perfected over the last twenty eight years is suddenly shifting and changing, everything is unfamiliar. She's not a board certified surgeon, she's lost her best friend, and the man she was falling in love with, and there's a baby growing in her belly.
She hasn't told anyone yet, can't tell anyone. Least of all Jackson. How do you tell the person you love the most that you lied to them? So it stays a secret, until she can decide what to do. How to pull herself out of the wreckage she's created.
So she focuses on trauma, devotes all of her time to the ER and the clinic, and reshaping the interns, who seem to think the hospital is one big sorority party, where someone else will come along to clean their messes.
Shane Ross is the first one on her list. He's assigned to her service today, on outpatient surgery. Normally she'd be happy to see someone so enthusiastic for their job, but today his excitement, along with the morning sickness she's been experiencing the last few days, is already beginning to give her a migraine.
"Dr Kepner! I'm here, I'm ready. I'm excited." He says as he strolls up to where she's standing at the nurses station.
"-Stop right there." She cuts him off before he can go any further.
" That fake enthusiasm, I see right through it Ross. I don't appreciate insubordination, so instead why don't you order these charts by date of appointment made."
"Uh okay." He looks confused for a moment, before staring at the charts.
"Problem?"
"No, no, no. It's just outpatient surgery.. I was hoping I'd be doing some surgery.. on the outpatients."
She can't help but laugh at that. Be careful what you wish for, Ross.
"Oh you'll be cutting, Dr Ross. It's lump and bump day. This hospital likes to schedule all of it's outpatient surgeries on one day, so one lucky surgeon will find themselves spending the better part of twelve hours carving out glorified pimples."
"Today, you're that surgeon. Come with me." She feel's slightly bad about the attitude she gives him throughout the rest of the day, but by the end of it she has a newfound respect for the overly eager intern, and she can tell he's appreciated her lesson on patient care.
It's enough to warrant a small smile from her, which doesn't last long as a wave of nausea hits her and she rushes to the ladies room.
It's not until the last of it fades that she comes out of the stall, bumping right into Meredith.
"Oh, hey!" She says, going over to the sink.
"April, are you okay?" Meredith asks as she looks at the redhead.
"Uh yeah, yeah I'm fine. Shouldn't have had the meatloaf I guess." She says, washing her hands at the sink.
"It's jumbalaya day." Meredith says as she crosses her arms.
"What's going on?"
"Um." Biting her lip, she can feel a tear make it's way down her cheek. "I'm pregnant."
"Oh." It's one of the first time's she's seen Meredith look truly shocked.
"Oh my god. Jackson?"
"He doesn't know."
"You can't tell him, Meredith. Promise me you won't say anything!"
"Hey, I won't tell.. As long as you don't tell anyone I'm pregnant either."
"Wh-what? When did you find out?"
"Derek and I found out last week. We're not telling anyone yet. You're the first to know, so shh."
Meredith winks at her, and April can't help but find comfort in the fact that someone is going through the same thing she is.
"That's great, that's so great."
They start laughing then, until both of them have tears running down their cheeks.
"We're having babies."
"Yeah. We're having babies."
After she tell's Meredith it's like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders.
It becomes a secret thing between the two of them. Alex is busy with pedes and Christina is putting even more hours into impressing Dr Russell so it becomes just the two of them for a while.
Meredith gives her tips on taking care of a child, and they spend lunch breaks with Zola in daycare. They even go to their first ultrasound together.
They make appointments at Seattle Presbyterian under fake names, and come out with matching sonogram pictures.
They're back at the hospital by four, and any happiness April feels is short lived by the fact that Jackson is eating his lunch at the table in the attendings lounge when she walks in.
"Oh. Hey." It's hard to keep the quiver out of her voice.
"Hey." He says, looking up at her.
"How was your craniofacial?" She asks.
It amazes her, really. How easily they avoid the elephant in the room, skating over their memories together, careful not to put too much pressure on already thin ice.
"Uh yeah, it was great. Kid's going to be fine." He says, going back to his lunch.
They don't speak after that, neither really knowing what to say. He stares at her for a minute, then finishes his lunch and leaves her alone in the room.
Later that night when she's alone in her bedroom, she stares at the sonogram picture in her hand. One small blip amongst a sea of black.
She imagines a future filled with tiny hands and soft giggles. A little person with dark curly hair and soft olive skin and ten perfect toes. She never thought it would be possible to love someone so much that she hasn't met yet. Maybe this baby will have his eyes and her laugh. A perfect piece of the two of them.
She speaks for hours, telling it stories about surgeries and patients and all about her co-workers, and before she goes to sleep she tucks it away in a book about a woman stronger than she is, and promises herself that she'll tell Jackson soon.
Another week passes and brings with it the arrival of Dr Baileys wedding. April welcomes the distraction and is the first one to offer to take on all of the older surgeons patients in lieu of her big day. If Bailey's grateful, she doesn't show it, instead filling her head with facts and case information about all of her patients until April's sure her head is going to explode.
She doesn't see much of Meredith or Jackson, knows they're both busy preparing for Derek's nerve graft, so she has lunch with Alex and Christina in the cafeteria.
"Freakin' interns." Alex says, as he takes a seat beside her at the table.
"What have they done now?" She asks, munching on her apple piece covered with peanut butter.
"You try and do one nice thing for them and suddenly you're the bad guy." He says scowling.
"What the hell are you eating?"
"An apple." She says matter of factly. She'd had a craving earlier, so she'd grabbed a jar of peanut butter from the attendings lounge and covered her lunch with it.
"You're so frikkin weird sometimes, Kepner."
She can't help but smile at that. It's nice to know that despite the monumental changes going on in her life, and her body, some things still stay the same.
Meredith joins them shortly after Alex has left, and they begin talking about Bailey's weddings.
"Flowers, music. It's a recipe for disaster." April says, putting her head in her hands.
"April, you're going to be fine. Don't worry about it." Meredith laughs.
"Oh, come on. Don't tell her she's going to be fine." Christina says raising her eyebrows.
"One look at Avery in his tux, and next thing you know her dress is off and they'll be doing the hippity dippity in the coat room." Christina says as takes a bite out of her salad.
"Oh my god." Her head shoots up and she begins to panic.
"Oh my god. The dress."
Her dress. She's been so pre-occupied with everything else going on lately that she hadn't even thought about what she's going to wear.
Let alone, something that hides her growing baby bump. It's still only small, but something tight fitting would surely give it away to any of her colleagues. They are doctors, after all.
She sends Meredith a panicked look, who obviously understands what she's thinking before rushing out of the cafeteria.
The best course of action is obviously to avoid the wedding all together, and when she brings the idea up to Bailey later that day it's immediately shut down.
"Just because you broke up with Avery and don't want to face him again at the wedding, doesn't mean you're getting out of it. Suck it up, Kepner. If I have to go, you have to go." The general surgeon says handing her a patient file and storming off down the corridor.
When she see's Jackson filling out paperwork at the nurses station an hour later, she decides they both need to bring dates, as distractions.
"I think you should bring a date to Dr Bailey's wedding." She tells him as she comes to stand beside him.
If he looks surprised at the suggestion, he doesn't show it. Simply tells her that he can't find a date within a day's notice.
When she spots Edwards near the nurses station, It doesn't register in her mind that it's a bad idea, until she's already opened her mouth.
"Dr Edwards, how would you like to go to Dr Bailey's wedding with Dr Avery?" She asks.
Jackson tries to cut her off, but she elbows him in the stomach.
"He'd love to go with you, but he was too embarrassed to ask." Seeing the glare he's shooting at her, she smiles up at him.
"Um, okay." Edwards runs off after that, still looking frazzled.
"Great. See you later."
"What about you? You pick mine, I pick yours right. That's how this works." He says as he looks around the hospital.
"Oh, um I was actually thinking I wouldn't bring a date." April says, biting her lip nervously.
"Oh no, you started this." He breaks off, spotting Shane walking down the corridor.
"Doctor Ross!"
It's not until after he's coerced Shane into agreeing to be her date and she's left alone in the hallway that she starts regretting ever mentioning the idea at all.
The next few hours are spent checking on the last of Bailey's patients and by the time Meredith has helped her squeeze into one her old dresses it's almost time to leave.
Unconsciously running a hand over the smooth emerald silk covering her abdomen, she's just finishing the last of her make up, when she looks into the mirror and spots Jackson looking at her.
She can't help but look back at him, standing there in his tux, and for a moment she allows herself to think about what he'd look like at their own wedding, the one she ruined the idea of.
Imagining him standing before her in a church, amongst all of her friends and family, while she walks down the aisle in her mother's dress.
Their wedding night. Their child.
She blinks and he stops looking at her, instead choosing to struggle with his tie.
She doesn't even realise what she's doing until she's standing in front of him, putting her hands over his.
"Here. Let me."
Being so close to him again, feeling the warmth radiating from his skin, sets her nerve endings on fire. When his eyes find hers, she feels something clench in her chest, catching at her chest and banging against her heart. She can feel her hands shaking as she plays with the silk material, and fights the urge to press her hand against her mouth and physically force the feeling back down.
"All done." Taking a step back from him she let's out the breath she didn't realise she was holding. They still haven't looked away.
"Thanks." The words are so soft she barely catches them, but before they can say anything else Alex is ordering them all out of the room. She blinks and the moment's gone, but she's still caught in the pull.
"Let's go, people. Move it."
She agrees to drive with Shane to the ceremony, and by the time they get there the other surgeons are already in their seats.
Shane finds them seats towards the front, and she can't help but let out a groan when he chooses two directly in front of Jackson and Stephanie. Perfect.
"You alright, Dr Kepner?"
"Perfect, Shane. Just perfect." She gives him an awkward smile and looks over her shoulder at her former boyfriend and his intern who are in an animated conversation. This is definitely high on the list of worst ideas she's ever had.
An hour later when they're all still waiting, and Bailey's fiance is wearing holes in the carpet around the altar the call comes in that Bailey's stuck in surgery and they're all to head to the reception.
She lets out a sigh of relief, and upon arriving at the reception hall makes a bee line for the bar, until remembering that she can't drink. Tonight is going to be a long night.
The reception's a surprisingly large affair. Violinists, centerpieces overflowing with white roses, and fake snow covering nearly every surface.
It's beautiful, the kind of wedding dreams are made of.
When Bailey arrives an hour later, it doesn't take long for everyone to get into the wedding spirit, and before she knows it the rest of her colleagues are already deep into drinks.
It's not until Jackson turns his head towards the bar and she see's Stephanie staring at him and giggling with Jo that she feels the first signs of nausea threaten to creep in. "Excuse me."
She pushes her chair back from the table, and rushes out of the room, onto the balcony. She braces her hands against the railing and doubles over, trying to take deep breaths to steady herself. This must be what a panic attack feels like, she thinks.
Meredith is the one that finds her, coming up and leaning beside her on the balcony.
"Hey. Jackson asked me to come and check on you."
"He did? He seemed a little busy to me." It's silly, really, she knows it's the hormones partly responsible for making her this jealous.
"You know, everyone has a person, April." Meredith says.
" A person they keep going back to, over and over again because they can't be completely happy without them. When Derek went back to his ex wife, I didn't know what I was going to do. I went crazy. But even though it seemed like life was throwing every obstacle in our path, we found our way back to each other." Meredith tells her, nudging her shoulder.
"Jackson's your person, April."
"How do I know? What if he's not." It's a lie and she knows it. He's always been her person, even during their intern years.
"You just do."
She thanks Meredith and sits outside for a few more minutes, composing herself.
When she walks back inside, Jackson is sitting alone at their table. He stands up, once he sees her walk over.
"Hey. You okay? you rushed out of here pretty quick."
"Oh yeah, yeah. I'm feeling better now. I just needed some air."
"Good. I was going to-"
"Dance with me." She says.
She's not sure what makes her say it, but she can't take it back now, and if, when she finally tells him the truth about her pregnancy and everything is ruined between them, at least she'll have this moment.
"Yeah." He says, looking at her.
"I'd love to." She lets him take her hand as they make their way on to the dance floor, moving to a spot towards the back of the room.
She looks over his shoulder at the couples around them. Derek and Meredith, Bailey and her husband, even Christina is dancing with Owen. It feels right.
His hand comes to rest on the small of her back, pulling her closer, and she let's her head rest in the crook of his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his skin radiating through his suit jacket. The song changes to a slower pace and they sway together, not speaking, in perfect sync.
In her head, she can't help but think that Meredith is right. Her and Jackson really are made for each other, two connecting pieces of the right puzzle.
They've danced around each other for years, always knowning how to move together, and apart. Her heart tugs at the thought of so many wasted years, and opportunities. When she looks up to find him staring at her all she can see in his eyes is their entire life unfold up until this moment.
"I've missed you." He says.
She doesn't say anything back, just continues staring up into his eyes, and when he leans in towards hers, she knows whats going to happen next but her panic kicks in and she steps back from him, his hands falling away from her waist.
"I need to go." She manages to say, but can already feel the sharp sting of tears behind her eyes.
"April. Don't do this."
She can hear him calling her name as she rushes off the dance floor, but she's too focused on getting away from him before she does something that will only complicate things later.
Shane's understanding when she asks him to take her home, even offering to stop and get her fast food on the way. Her stomach's still tangled up in knots but the chocolate milkshake she sips along the drive home is a welcome distraction.
When she finally makes it home she's too physically and emotionally drained to do anything other than collapse into her bed, fingering the sonogram picture sticking out of the book by her bedside before falling asleep.
As she's getting ready for work the next day, the first thing she notices is that her pants are a little tighter around the waist. Hardly noticeable unless you know what to looks for, but she grabs a bigger scrub top to cover it just in case and smooths her hands over the fabric. It's a scary reminder of how fast things are moving, and she decides that it needs to be soon, she has to Jackson soon.
Running away from him on the dance floor had been an overreaction. She should have let him kiss her, she'd wanted him to kiss her. It was an obvious indicator that he still has some feelings for her, and if that's the case then he needs to know the truth.
She chickens out during lunch, but after a pep talk from Meredith she feels confident again and finds out he's up in the burns unit doing a consult.
The walk feels like an eternity, but she spots him at the end of the corridor. It's the sound of his name though that halts her as she approaches the nurses station.
"Avery? As in Jackson Avery, aka gorgeous eyes over there?" It's Leah Murphy's voice, and she wonders who she's talking to.
"Uh-huh. I thought he wasn't even interested, because he was blowing me off all night. But then he found me after he'd finished dancing with Kepner and asked if I wanted to get out of there with him." It's Edwards voice.
"Nice. Where'd you do it?"
"The back of his car."
"Classy!"
She's not sure how long she stands there after the girls walk off down the corridor continuing their conversation, just that it's long enough to feel the precise moment her cardiovascular walls seize up and her heart caves in.
That was it then. It was over. He obviously no longer had any feelings for her if he was so willing to sleep with someone else. A part of her wants to hate Edwards for sleeping with him, but it's her own fault for insisting he take her to the wedding.
The only distraction from her thoughts is the slight movement that shoots through her stomach. She rests her hand on her stomach and thinks It's just you and me now, kiddo.
She doesn't see much of Jackson over the next few days, until she bumps into him down in the clinic towards the end of a very long shift..
He comes over to where she's standing at the nurses station and it's hard to look at him without thinking back to the conversation she'd overheard the previous week.
"Hey."
"Hey."
He looks hesitant as he stands in front of her, and she thinks she knows what he's going to say before he says it.
She's right of course, but it does nothing to stop her heart breaking into a thousand pieces when he actually says the words.
"I'm kind of sleeping with Stephanie." He says slowly, gauging her reaction.
She'd prefer it if he just said it quickly and left, like ripping off a band aid.
"It's probably going to get out and I just wanted you to hear it from me."
"Yeah, I-I'd heard." She says, looking down at her charts, fighting the tears.
"You had?" She's not sure if it's the intensity of his gaze or the lack of distance between their bodies but she says the first thing that pops into her head.
"I miss you."
"April.." She can't tell what he's thinking by his tone, but his eyes soften.
"I know I don't have any right to say that, but we were best friends Jackson, and now.. now we can barely have a conversation."
"We're still best friends.."
"No. We're not. Because I'm standing here looking at you and all I want to do is kiss you."
His hand reaches out and brushes the lone tear making it's way down her cheek, and she closes her eyes.
"It still hurts to look at you and know that we can't be together. So no, I-I'm not ready to be your best friend again yet."
He doesn't have anything to say back to that, just stands there looking at her. His hand trails down her arm, lingering on her hand, but it's contact she's not ready for, so she steps back.
"Thank you for telling me."
She moves past him into her patients room and begins going over his vitals, with her back to the door. She doesn't see the way that Jackson stares after her as she moves around the room.
The following day Edwards is assigned to her service, and April can't help but think Jesus really is punishing her.
An emotional encounter with her ex yesterday, and having to work with his new girlfriend today is just too much.
Maybe it's the hormones or just the fact that the intern is sleeping with the father of her child that has her patience wearing thin, but either way it has April lashing out at the young doctor for every mistake she's making, starting with the fact she's late for rounds.
She finds her outside the doors to the E.R talking to Dr Wilson, their voices carrying down the corridor as she walks up towards them.
"Yeah, apparently he and Dr Kepner were a thing. Like they were this big item, and then one day he just dumps her out of nowhere." Jo says.
"Jackson's never mentioned it. Guess he got over her pretty quick." Edwards says as the two start laughing.
She can't help but cut in to their conversation, feeling her hormones flare up at the way they're speaking so candidly in the hallways.
"As much as I'd love to hear you continue your theories on my love life Dr Edwards, you're late for rounds." Her voice comes out like steel and the two girls spring apart, turning to look at her with wide eyes.
"Dr Kepner. I-I-I'm so sorry. That was totally unprofess-."
"Save it, Edwards. You're on scut for the next month, there's a patient with a rotting abscess in bed three, and another with a nasty bowel obstruction in bed four.."
"Wilson, get up to peds before I have a long chat with Dr Karev about how his interns like to gossip about their attendings in the hallways when they should be saving lives."
"If I ever catch you two talking about my personal life inside the walls of this hospital you'll be lucky if you see the inside of an O.R again before the end of your residency.
As the two girls take off at lightning speed, April can't help but feel a little proud of herself, and when she feels the slight fluttering in her stomach in response she smiles. You're proud of me too huh, little one.
The rest of her shift continues on without much interruption. The ER is fairly quiet, no major traumas to deal with so she leaves Stephanie with strict instructions to deal with it while she takes her dinner break. She finds Meredith and Christina taking their breaks in the attendings lounge and sits down beside them.
"Hey guys." She says, sitting down.
"Hey. Slow night?"
"Yeah, I left Edwards in charge of the E.R"
"That's risky." Christina says.
"Not really. I told her she'd be washing bed pans and scraping up _ for the next three months if everything wasn't running smoothly when I got back.
"Look at you, Kepner. Maybe you still have some of those virgin superpowers" Christina says, giving her a look of approval
"What about you guys, any surgeries tonight?"
"Actually, I need to get back up to cardio. I'm doing a vascular repair soon." Christina says as she heads out of the room.
"So I heard about Edwards and Jackson. I take it you didn't tell him?" Meredith asks.
"I can't." "It's really over."
"April, what do you think's going to happen in six months when you pop out a miniature version of him?"
"I dont know. I don't know how much longer I can hide it from everyone, look at you. You're only a few weeks ahead of me and you're already showing."
Meredith smiles and rubs her hand over the small bump protruding against her scrub top.
"You need to tell him. If not for you, then for your baby. Because coming from someone who grew up without one, it's going to need one."
"I know."
The conversation becomes lighter after that, as they both eat their dinner, only interrupted by April's cell phone ringing in her pocket.
She pulls it out and stares at the caller ID in confusion before answering.
"Dr Avery?" April asks.
"April, sweetie. How are you?" Catherine asks over the phone.
"Uh-Um I'm fine Dr Avery. Is everything okay?" She asks, wondering why Jackson's mother is calling her. Sure the two of them speak over facebook, but Catherine has to have heard they'd broken up.
"Oh yes, darling. Everything's fabulous. I wondered if you'd have a moment to speak with me."
"Of-of course. What can I do for you?"
Meredith motions to her that she'll see her later and leaves the room.
"I've got a small problem that I was hoping you'd be able to help me with."
"Um I can try. Is it Jackson, because you know we broke up."
"Yes, I know all about that. Some nerve that boy has, I don't know who raised him when I wasn't looking. But this isn't about him, this is about you darling."
"I've just found out that one of our trauma fellows here in Boston is planning on leaving our program, and I thought you might be able to provide me with a replacement."
"Oh, well I-I don't really know anyone here who is specializing in trauma-" She tells her, wondering why she'd ask April for a recommendation. Catherine cuts her off before she can finish.
"No, no, you misunderstand me sweetheart. I'm talking about you. I want you in our program."
"Me? But, but I failed my boards.."
"Oh darling, that doesn't mean anything. I've already spoken to Richard and Dr Hunt and they both inform me you're the best trauma surgeon they have."
"Wow, I-this is so sudden."
"I know, baby. Why don't you think about it and give me a call next week."
"Yeah, okay, sure that, that sounds great. Thank you, Dr Avery."
"How many times have I told you to call me Catherine, darling. Now take care, and keep an eye on my boy."
When she ends the call, April sits there staring at her phone in shock. Working at the Brigham was always a dream of hers ever since she'd first decided she wanted to be a doctor, and to be able to work alongside Jackson's mother, one of the most respected in her field would do amazing things for her career.
If she took the job, it would get her out of Seattle and away from Jackson, but she's sure Catherine would take one look at her and be able to tell she was carrying her son's child inside her. When did everything become so confusing?