I always imagined Ulala and Baofu, in their new agency, as loud, obnoxious, and completely unprofessional, yet scarily competent at the same time. Though I support these two as a pairing, this fic isn't meant to portray them in a romantic light, but interpret this how you will. Enjoy!
Satoshi Ueshima considered himself a calm, levelheaded, practical man. He was perfectly content with his seemingly mediocre life – with his perfectly stable job as an accountant, with his lovely apartment from where he could see nearly all of Sumaru City, with his beautiful girlfriend Nadeshiko (soon to be fiancée, he reminded himself, fingering the small velvet box in his pocket) whom he loved more than anything else.
Fate had to be messing with him, Ueshima rationalized, when he found himself in the tiny, dim office of the two-person Missing Persons Location Agency, run by one Kaoru "Baofu" Saga and his wife, partner, drinking buddy, or friend with benefits, Ulala Serizawa (no one really knew what her relation to Saga was). As Ueshima pushed open the creaky wooden door, the combined scent of floral-scented candles and alcohol assaulted his nose. "Excuse me," he called out uncertainly. "Is there a… um… Saga-san here?"
There was no response, and Ueshima's heart raced. The office was lit by tiny flickering candles, so he could barely see a few feet in front of him. There was a crash from somewhere nearby, and a woman with hair dyed bright red and several layers of makeup on her face stumbled toward him. "Oh, hey," she greeted. "BAO!" she hollered. "WE HAVE A CUSTOMER!"
"Sheesh, woman, you don't have to yell!" shouted a smooth male voice from a far corner of the office.
"GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!" the woman, presumably Serizawa-san, screeched. She flashed an easy smile at Ueshima. "Hi, welcome to—" Tinkling glass cut her off. "KAORU SAGA, IF YOU BROKE INTO THE VODKA, I WILL SERIOUSLY END YOU!"
"It's rum, you crazy bitch!" A tall man with hair longer than even Nadeshiko's sauntered forward, and Ueshima unconsciously took a step back. "How can we help you?"
"Oh, so you're nice to him and not to me?" Serizawa demanded, crossing her arms and glaring at him. "Thanks a lot. That makes me feel so loved."
"It's called PR," Saga-san snapped at Serizawa. "It means we have to be nice to our customers no matter how shitty our partners are in handling them."
"Well that's just— Hey!"
Ueshima raised his hand. "U-Um…" he mumbled. "Excuse me, I would really like your help. I-I've heard that you're the best concerning this sort of situation, so—"
"Spill," Saga and Serizawa said simultaneously.
Ueshima sucked in a breath and resisted the urge to start sobbing right then and there. "My love has been taken from me by a mob boss!"
There was pin drop silence in the office as the two pseudo-detectives rubbed their chins in nearly identical poses. "So it's a kidnapping then," Serizawa said, in complete seriousness.
"I don't think we cover that," Saga added, only to have Serizawa smack him across the arm.
"That doesn't mean we can't help him!" she yelled. "Just look at the poor guy!"
Ueshima couldn't really see Saga's expression through the thick black glasses the man wore, but he didn't miss the way Saga's mouth quirked downward. "Nah, that's probably how he's always looked."
Serizawa rolled her eyes dramatically. "So much for PR," she deadpanned. "So what's your girlfriend like? What's this mob boss like? What—"
"Did you get a ransom note?" Saga interjected.
"Don't cut me off!" Serizawa shouted.
"Th-There was no ransom note," Ueshima stammered. "I-I-I saw Nadeshiko-chan in this dark alley with this hulking man dressed in black! She was panting heavily, so I'm sure she was fighting against him!"
Saga jerked his head toward the corner of the office from where he came, and Serizawa smiled gently at him. "Come with me," she said in a soothing voice. "What did you say your name was again?"
"I didn't," Ueshima replied, more confidently this time. "My name is Satoshi Ueshima."
"Yeah, unfortunately, Ueshima, 'hulking man dressed in black' doesn't exactly cover it," Saga called from a chair in front of a computer screen, a screen so bright that it hurt Ueshima's eyes just staring at it. "I need specifics."
"If you don't know, why don't you tell us about your girlfriend?" Serizawa suggested, her voice still deceptively calm.
"A-Are you sure you'll be able to find her with this?" Ueshima asked, unable to keep the hope out of his voice.
He wasn't prepared for both Saga and Serizawa to burst out laughing. "What do you take us for, Ueshima?" Saga scoffed. "I could find her drunk and blind."
"Now that's pushing it," Serizawa retorted. "I've seen you drunk, Baofu. Do you want a repeat of the Great Suou Disaster?"
"Yeah, says the person who drunk dialed the Joker," Saga deadpanned.
"Oh my god, that was one time!" Serizawa screeched. "And you said you wouldn't bring that up again!"
"Well you said you wouldn't bring up the Great Suou Disaster again, so I guess we're even," Saga snapped back. "Who drunk dials the Joker anyway?"
"I was going through a rough time!" Serizawa tried to rationalize with him.
"Yeah, a rough time full of 'Oh, woe is me, 'cause I just got dumped and my roommate's more successful than me!'" Saga shot back.
"Please!" Ueshima interjected, unable to take their squabbling anymore. "All I want is to find my girlfriend!"
"Nadeshiko Kurosawa, right?" Saga asked.
"Y-Yes, how did you know that?" Ueshima stammered.
"Well, you mentioned her name," Serizawa said gently.
"And of all the Nadeshikos in Sumaru City, Kurosawa's the only one in your age group," Saga added, before promptly switching off his monitor. "Scary coincidence, but it's true." The man clapped his hands together. "Okay, here's the deal, Ueshima. You seem like a really nice guy, but you're also hopelessly naïve."
"More than Big Suou?" Serizawa piped up.
"Way more than Big Suou," Saga replied. "I'll put this as gently as possible. Your girlfriend wasn't kidnapped – she's cheating on you. With the mob boss."
The shock was instantaneous, and Ueshima flinched, recoiling from the pseudo-detectives. "Wh-What?" he whispered. "B-But how? Nadeshiko-chan… She always—"
"How exactly is that putting it gently?" Serizawa yelled, smacking Saga across the head.
"The poor schmuck has a right to know!" Saga yelled back.
Before he knew what was happening, Ueshima was being shoved outside the tiny little office by both Saga and Serizawa, with a rushed "Thank you, we'll send you the bill, have a nice day" from Serizawa before the door was promptly shut in his face. But Satoshi Ueshima could still hear the explosive (it certainly seemed that way, judging from the crashes he could hear inside the office) bickering of Kaoru "Baofu" Saga and Ulala Serizawa. As he lay in bed that night, absentmindedly twirling the diamond ring that he would never give to his true love, one exchange echoed in his mind:
"SEE, THIS IS WHY BIG SUOU WON'T LET YOU ANYWHERE NEAR HIS BROTHER!"
"CALM THE FUCK DOWN, YOU CRAZY CROSS-DRESSING BITCH!"
"OH YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE."
Finis.