It Ain't No Sin To Be Glad You're Alive

Chapter 2

Rick paced about restlessly up on the walkway; his time on watch was almost done and he had another engagement to keep. The doubts were rising in his mind once again, as he thought about what the rest of the group would say if they knew about him and Beth. They looked to him as their leader, even if he had taken a step back and re-established a democracy rule. He knew they expected certain standards from him, and that having sex with a seventeen year old girl probably wasn't one of them. What the hell was he doing? He rested his head against the wire fencing and pondered that question for a moment.

It was hard to keep a hold on what was right in this crazy world they now inhabited. The laws and values that once governed society had been swept away, along with everything else. Rick, in his capacity as Sheriff's deputy, had always believed there were three types of people. Firstly, there were those who would always do right, no matter what. Secondly, there were those who had the urge to do wrong, but the law kept them in check. Finally, there were those who would always do wrong regardless of the law. The waters were a lot muddier now.

"Hey, man. Everything okay?" Daryl's voice broke into his reverie.

"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine," Rick lied.

"I, um, I know it ain't none of my business, but, I, um..." the hunter fiddled about with his crossbow.

"I saw you last night, with Beth," Daryl said.

His obvious discomfort at the situation left him unable to meet his friend's eye.

Rick glared at him for a moment, too shocked to speak, before he let out a sigh, and then he kicked against the fence in frustration.

"It's not what you think," he said defensively.

"So you ain't balling Little-Miss-Barely-Legal on the back seat of a school bus then, huh?" Daryl sneered as he finally met his eyes.

Rick's face grew red as his temper flared, but he didn't move or speak.

"All's I'm saying is, if you've got an itch needs scratching, we got other women here," Daryl said with deliberate emphasis on the distinction he was making.

"Like who? Miss McLeod? Carol?" Rick questioned with his deliberate choice of names.

The two men glared at each other for a long moment, and then Daryl attempted to diffuse the situation.

"Let's go back to the part where this ain't none of my business, okay? I just hope you know what you're doing," he said.

Rick sighed and started to run a hand through his hair.

"I know it's crazy. D'you think I don't know how fucking insane this is? But that said it didn't feel that way last night. When I was with her, it felt so good, and I started to think, maybe it wasn't a bad thing after all. She wanted me, and I wanted her; we didn't do anything wrong," he explained.

"Hey, who're you trying to convince, me or yourself?" Daryl questioned.

The former sheriff's deputy didn't answer.

"Are you like, on some one man mission to repopulate the species, or something?" The hunter jeered.

"I just need to know you'll keep this to yourself, for now at least," Rick finally pleaded with him.

Daryl grunted his assent as he adjusted his crossbow and started to walk away.

"Don't worry, your dirty little secret's safe with me," he muttered to himself.

Beth sat waiting on the back seat of the school bus. She took great care to slip out of the cell block, unseen. Her father had been watching her like a hawk all day, and she began to worry that he suspected something. Hershel hadn't directly expressed any concerns to her, and so she'd been happy to let it slide. Beth began nervously drumming on the seat with her fingers, and wished Rick would hurry up. She had been thinking about him and longing for them to be together again, since the previous night. He spent the day either sleeping or being busy elsewhere, and she was missing him.

Beth wanted to tell Rick how much she loved him, because she had held back on saying it the night before. She desperately didn't want him to think of her as overeager or needy, but she felt she needed to let him know. He hadn't told her he loved her either, and she couldn't be sure he would return the gesture. Rick was still in love with Lori, and probably always would be, she knew that. But she reasoned he had to feel something for her, because she was sure he wouldn't have been so tender with her, if he didn't. She had to concede, however, that she hardly knew anything about men, especially where sex was concerned. Beth acknowledged her naivety, but hoped she wasn't being a fool for love.

The bus door opened, and Rick slinked up the steps and made his way towards the back seat. He gave her a furtive glance and a tight smile, which made her stomach knot with worry, not desire.

"What's wrong?" She asked as he slumped wearily down beside her.

"Daryl knows. He saw us together last night," Rick said without looking in her direction.

Beth was shocked but soon recovered herself.

"So? He isn't going to say anything, is he?" She questioned.

Rick sighed and put his head in his hands. He contemplated the fact that he had made some terrible calls since the world went to shit, but conceded this one might qualify as the worst. His relationship with his son was already at rock bottom. If Carl were to find out about him and Beth, it could irrevocably destroy what little faith the boy still had left in him. He also considered that Hershel, Maggie and Glenn wouldn't judge him too kindly for sullying one of their own.

"Rick?" Beth reached out to him when he didn't answer her earlier questions.

"I didn't ask to be the leader, but I took it on all the same, and with that position comes responsibilities. The folks here look to me to set an example, they expect certain standards, and I'm not living up to that," he explained as he finally met her eyes.

"I thought we agreed that we weren't doing anything wrong?" She argued.

He gently cupped her chin in his hand.

"We might not think so, but everyone else will. We've got older folks here, and kids," he said.

"So, we'd be corrupting the innocent, is that what you're saying?" She asked with exasperation.

"If I keep doing this, I'll be no better than those politicians who used to pretend to be decent and virtuous family guys for their voters, when all the time, they were busy banging some office intern half their age," he explained.

Beth started to get angry and she pulled away from his touch.

"So, I'm just some young floozy who's made you stray from the righteous path, is that what you're saying?" She raged.

"No. You know that's not it at all. But above everything else, I have to think about what this will do to Carl. I should have thought about that a lot more before I decided to bring you out here last night. I never wanted to hurt you, and if I hadn't been so weak, I wouldn't have to cause you any pain now," Rick said as he begged for her understanding and forgiveness.

Her heart was breaking, but the indignation of youth wouldn't let her bow out gracefully.

"This is all so stupid. If I were just a few years older, no one would have anything to say about us being together. It seems I'm old enough to cook, clean, do laundry, even kill walkers sometimes, oh yeah, and I can take care of your baby just fine, but I'm not allowed to love you?" She questioned with incredulity.

Rick couldn't think of a satisfactory reply, and her passion was starting to turn him on. He knew that his resolve would crumble, as it had done before, if he didn't beat a hasty retreat.

Beth suddenly reached out and began to gently stroke his cheek.

"And I do love you. I can't help it. Even if you walk away now, I'm not gonna stop," she vowed.

He made the mistake of meeting her gaze, and her big blue eyes seemed to burn through to his very soul.

"God forgive me," he gasped as he brought his lips crashing hungrily down onto hers.