It Ain't No Sin To Be Glad You're Alive
Chapter 5
Rick eased himself out of the bunk as carefully as he could, so as not to wake Beth. He was due to take watch and didn't want to be late, especially now everybody knew whose bed his boots were under. They hadn't made an official announcement about the status of their relationship. But with them all living in such a small space, it hadn't taken long for everyone to cotton on. There had been a few awkward moments, and they were the subject of a few scrutinising looks that lingered a little longer than was necessary. He was however, forced to gratefully concede, that the reaction was more muted and forgiving than he was expecting. But Carl still regarded their relationship with open hostility, and the matter caused him much sorrow.
Michonne was standing by the gate and waiting to be relieved from watch duty. She saw Rick approaching, and slung her rifle over her shoulder as she walked to meet him.
"It's been all quiet out here, except for Daryl spotting a deer in the woods. He tracked it and took it down, so it looks like we're good for dinner today," she explained.
Rick nodded, but his mind was on other things. He was thinking about how Carl seemed to be spending more of his time in Michonne's company these days, than with anyone else. He didn't want to put her in the middle of anything, of impinge on the friendship they'd built. But he needed to do something about his fractured relationship with his son.
"You and Carl seem to be best buddies these days; I'm glad he's found someone he wants to hang out with," Rick said.
Michonne looked thoughtful for a second, and then nodded.
"He's a great kid, but I see a lot of anger there," she frowned.
"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about," Rick said.
"I tried talking to him before, and he said some things that, well, I guess he just hates me right now," he explained.
"He doesn't hate you," she stated with certainty.
"How do you know, has he said something to you?" He inquired.
"No. But I know what hate looks like, and that ain't it," Michonne said sagely.
"I feel bad about asking you this, but would you be willing to have a talk with him, see if you can get him to open up? I'm really at a complete loss here, and everything I say to him just seems to make things worse," Rick pleaded with her.
"Okay, I'll try, at least," she vowed.
"Well, I'd sure be grateful, thank you," he said earnestly.
Neither of them said anything about his relationship with Beth, and he figured it was best to just leave it that way. He reckoned if he stopped behaving like it was such a big deal to everyone else, then maybe he'd find out that they didn't really care. He only wished that Carl, Maggie and Hershel could come to terms with it.
Beth picked Judith up out of her crib and took her to get the bottle she'd prepared for her morning feed.
"Will you be expecting her to call you momma?" Maggie sneered as she came upon her sister with the baby in the makeshift kitchen area.
""I hadn't really thought about that, but I guess if she wants to, I wouldn't mind," Beth answered and ignored the bitter edge to the question.
Maggie set about preparing breakfast, but her agitated state alerted her sister to the fact that she wasn't done speaking her mind just yet.
"I just don't know what you were thinking, both of you. You were always so precious about holding onto your virginity, and now you're having sex with a man twice your age? I just don't get it," she finally snapped and raged at her younger sibling.
Beth sighed with frustration and finished winding Judith before placing her gently back into her crib. Rick had never actually declared his love for her in words, but she felt it in his actions. She reasoned he had to feel strongly for her, for them to have got to the stage they were at, and vowed she wouldn't stop fighting for them to stay together.
"What's your problem? I love Rick, and he loves me. We haven't done anything wrong, so where do you get off treating us like we have?" Beth argued back with equal passion.
"What's my problem?" Maggie asked with incredulity.
"I'll tell you what my problem is, I had to cut open the last woman that Rick loved, to get his baby out of her. Then I had to walk away and leave her bleeding out on the floor while her own son put a bullet in her head," she said as tears began to roll down her face.
Beth swallowed hard as she felt tears stinging her own eyes. What happened to Lori was a tragedy, but that was no reason to forbid Rick from ever finding love again.
"We're real careful, just like you and Glenn must be, or else you'd be pregnant now too," she said pointedly.
Maggie paused for a moment and then went to hold her sister's hands.
"I'm just worried that you don't appreciate what you've got yourself into. You've broken daddy's heart, and you're poisoning Rick's relationship with his son, and all for what? I know you say you love him, but you're still such a baby yourself. Did he even know you were a virgin, did he care?" She asked.
"First things first, I ain't a baby no more. Do you think I've been going around with my eyes and ears closed for the past year? Rick asked me if I was a virgin before we did anything, and he gave me plenty of chances to say no. I'll admit I was more than a little naive, and I didn't know what it was gonna be like, but he was so gentle with me. I know that loving him means taking all the bad stuff as well as the good, and I'm sorry that you, Carl and daddy are having such a tough time with us being together. But y'all are just gonna have to get used to it, and I will do everything I can to help fix things between Rick and Carl," Beth was adamant that they could weather the storm together.
Maggie hugged her sister tightly to her.
"I'm sorry, I haven't been there for you enough. You should've come to me, and we could've talked it through. If I'd have known how serious you were about Rick, we might have been able to avoid all this," she said.
Beth thought that her older sibling was finally coming around to her way of thinking, but soon realised it was a vain hope.
"You think you coulda talked me out of it?" She questioned with disbelief.
"Maybe, I guess we'll never know now, will we?" Maggie said.
"You can't even be just a little bit happy for me?" Beth asked.
Her sister gave her a hard stare as she went back to her food preparation.
"I'll tell you what I will do for you, the next time we go out on a run, I'll see if I can track you down some in-date birth control pills," Maggie said to underline the importance of one of her main concerns.
"Gee, thanks," Beth said sarcastically.
"Did you ever consider that maybe the things Rick and I do together don't carry the risk of pregnancy?" She said in a mocking tone as she walked away.
Rick looked through his rifle sight and scanned the edges of the woodland. There had been no suspicious activity, but he felt he couldn't ever afford to let his guard down. The group was under his protection, and they'd already lost too many good people. The constant lingering threat against what they had built was always looming somewhere on the horizon. The Governor might have gone off of the radar for now, but that didn't mean he wouldn't resurface. They were always on alert for any sightings of him, and maintaining eternal vigilance was the best they could do.
He sighed and slung the rifle back over his shoulder, as his mind drifted back to his troubles with Carl. It was moments like this when he let his self-doubts creep in, and he began to feel guilty about what he was doing. He knew his children should be his first priority, and he cursed himself for indulging his own selfish needs. He questioned his right to feel any kind of personal happiness, or to receive comfort in the arms of another woman, after what had happened to Lori. But reason told him that his wife had succumbed to Shane in similar circumstances. Rick didn't blame her for it, not now. All he was left with was regret, for how he'd treated her during their final months together. The old ideals of life had crumbled away under the reality of their present situation. He therefore reasoned; any small crumbs of comfort that could still be scavenged were to be cherished.
"Mind if I keep you company for a while?" Beth's voice suddenly pulled him back from his pondering.
He hadn't even noticed her approaching, and he silently scolded himself for getting too lost inside his own head.
"Rick?" She reached out to stroke his face to get his attention as he hadn't acknowledged her presence.
"Hey, sorry, I was just thinking," he said.
"What about?" She inquired.
"Stuff," he answered with deliberate vagueness.
"Oh, okay, that's alright then," Beth said with a smile.
Rick couldn't help but grin too, and he reached out and pulled her to him.
She let her hands roam tenderly over his strong lean body, as she thought about her earlier parting shot to her sister. They hadn't actually done anything other than the basic missionary position, as far as sex was concerned. Beth was curious to know if there were other things he liked to do, but she wasn't sure how to broach the subject. It was a whole new world to her, and although she knew about things like blowjobs, she wasn't sure that she would know how to give one.
Rick noticed she had become quiet and withdrawn, despite the fact that her hand was still tracing lazy circles on his chest.
"Everything okay with you?" He asked.
"Yep," she nodded.
"You thinking about stuff too?" He inquired as he kissed her hair.
"Um, more about, um, things," she struggled to explain.
"Things, what kinda things?" Rick playfully asked.
Beth took a deep breath and could feel her cheeks beginning to glow.
"I was wondering, I mean, if there was stuff that you liked to do, with things, y'know?" She realised she was failing at being specific, but hoped he'd get the gist anyway.
He started to laugh heartily, which made her blush an even fiercer shade of red.
"Don't make fun of me, I'm kinda new to all this, and I just wanted you to know that I'd be willing, to y'know, try stuff," she explained.
Rick stopped laughing and began to contemplate what was being offered to him. His sex life with Lori had been a mostly pedestrian affair; they had experimented a little with positions, and gone down on each other. But he had never craved anything truly kinky, or desired to be out of his comfort zone. He reckoned that being in a sexual relationship with a girl half his age was risqué enough. He was more than satisfied with how making love with Beth made him feel. There was no greater turn on than being with someone who wanted him the way she did.
"I ain't got nothing to complain about," he said as he moved in to kiss her.
Rick realised that he hadn't actually said the words I love you, to her. He never was any good with the semantics; he was always more about showing it than saying it. But he knew that sometimes folks needed to hear it, and thought she would appreciate the gesture.
"Beth, I, um, know that I haven't said it yet, but I want you to know that I do," he said falteringly.
"Do what?" She asked playfully although inside her heart was leaping.
"Love you," he said.