Chapter 3

-oOoOo-

"OK. So here are a grandfatherly figure, a stern-looking teacher and a baby-faced boy. Do you want to play good cop/bad cop/neutral cop now?"

Dumbledore, McGonagall and Hagrid exchanged glances but remained speechless, listening to the ramblings of the Boy-Who-Lived patiently.

"The answer is still no. There is no way I'm gonna take any of your medicine unless they pass rigorous randomised controlled trials with peer reviews, replications and meta-analyses."

"But from what I understand," Dumbledore objected. "your experiment on Professor McGonagall and our Hagrid was not subject to the standards you just prescribed."

"They are human subjects in the early stages of testing after tests in animals prove to be safe enough. And besides, they had full knowledge of the risks involved and signed consent forms! Now, tell me, how can you claim that the Calming Draught potion is safe and effective?"

"Because many people had taken it and achieved the desired results with no side effects?" McGonagall offered.

"Anyone else?" Harry eyed the other two.

"Why don't you illuminate us, Harry?" Dumbledore asked patiently with a smile.

Harry sighed. "You guys suck at the scientific method. But this is the topic for another time."

Dumbledore said diplomatically. "Of course, we suck, Harry, of course."

"What? You want to suck me?"

Dumbledore had no idea what Harry was talking about. "Is that your wish?"

"Jeez. Are you homo or something?"

"How did you know that our Headmaster is homosexual?" McGonagall blurted out. "I should have known it before I tried seducing him!"

Harry rolled his eyes before changing the topic. "How are you, Hagrid?"

"I ain't no homo, Harry, thank you, but if you can fix my voice that would be really nice."

Harry brightened. "I can do that. Indeed I will give you Andrea Bocelli's voice if I can leave this damned place right now."

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall said sharply. "If you are to be one of our students, respect for the school and staff will be demanded. Is that understood?"

"Miss McGonagall," Harry retorted in the same tone. "If you are to be one of my teachers, don't just tell me what to do. Rationales and evidence will be demanded. Is that understood?"

McGonagall's lips twitched. The Marauders had been pain to her for complete lack of respect for school rules and lack of reason. By contrast, Harry Potter could be great pain to her for complete lack of respect for school rules BUT sheer amount of reason AND insanity.

"Hagrid, let's go." Harry got up from the bed, releasing himself from the Hospital Wing.

"Mr. Potter, I haven't finished." McGonagall reprimanded.

"Thank you, Professor McGonagall. You just reminded me that life is nothing but an unfinished song."

With that, Harry left.

And Hagrid hurriedly followed.

McGonagall dropped her jaw. It sounded like something Albus would have said.

"Oh dear." Dumbledore rubbed his temples thrice.

-oOoOo-

"Mr. Potter," Dudley in his white lab gown bowed deeply. "Albus from Planet Wizard has successfully relocated your lab to a secure location 7 km under Hogwarts. All equipment has been tested. They all function properly."

"How did he do it?"

"Magic?" Hagrid offered.

Harry gave Hagrid a glare that could kill. "Nobody asked you."

"So, Dudley, you know this lab eats a lot of electricity. Did he find an underground power source or a way to transmit electricity to this place?"

"Magic?" Dudley offered.

Harry gave Dudley a glare that could kill. "Nobody asked you."

"You did." Hagrid said.

"Nobody asked you!" Harry and Dudley shouted at Hagrid at the same time. They stared at each other for a moment, and then broke into a fit of laughter.

Even Hagrid joined the laughter with his girly voice.

"Harry," Hagrid said after the laughter died down. "we have some trolls in a prison under this lab, riding bicycles to generate electricity."

"Trolls? The magical creature sort or the forum sort?"

"You knew the answer before you asked, Mr. Potter." Dudley grinned playfully. "Did you just use your Time Tuner?"

"Thank you for your cheek, Dudley. Now work on emergency and contingency plans on both safety and power source aspects. Evaluate the risks, costs and benefits. Also give me some options."

"Right away, Mr. Potter."

"Not now. Do that later. Your first priority is reprogramming Robot to be my shopping assistant. I want someone to carry my stuff around."

"Right away, Mr. Potter."

"Good. Hagrid, follow me. I can change your voice, but only after you sign this..."

-oOoOo-

"Mr. Potter, I'm not sure I want to do this." McGonagall said.

"OK I was about to give you an annual income of 7000 galleons, but you'll instead get a 10% profit sharing or 7000 galleons whichever is greater. Happy now?"

"That is... not I intended to say, Mr. Potter." McGonagall paused. "Though 7000 galleons sound very nice."

"Good! Sign this."

-oOoOo-

"Remember, Harry, you must not reveal what you did to Professor McGonagall and Hagrid."

"You don't have to repeat everything you say, Albus from Planet Wizard. It's been a long time since I watched Teletubbies."

Robot promptly explained. "Teletubbies is a children programme on Muggle television, promoting an alien invasion conspiracy theory. And since they believe that children are idiots, they say everything twice."

"I... see." Dumbledore said slowly. "Are Muggle children really idiots?"

"Of course not!" Harry said hotly. "But the adults are, and they want children to become idiots like them."

"That sounds very cunning to me." McGonagall remarked.

"Maybe the adult Muggles are secretly smart but pretend to be insane, like Dumbledore?" Hagrid offered.

Dumbledore gave Hagrid an enquiring look.

"Sorry." Hagrid muttered. "I can't keep my mouth shut sometimes."

Dumbledore nodded silently and stepped into the bar. "Ah.. Tom, great to see you again."

"Don't. Don't bring that boy in here." The barman hid under the counter, his body trembling. "Just don't."

"What happened, Tom?"

"The boy attracts trouble to people around him. Must. Retreat. Must. Leave." Tom's face paled.

"Drink this, Tom. You'll feel better" Albus gave Tom a vial, which the barman emptied in one gulp.

"Calming Draught?" Harry asked, sipping hot tea from a grey metal bottle he brought from home, since he didn't want to drink or eat anything magical before its sample was sent to his lab.

"A Muggle medicine called Placebo."

Harry sprayed tea from his mouth all over Tom's head. Thanks to gravity, the tea dripped to Tom's horror-struck face for Harry's amusement.

"Sorry." Harry said with a grin. There was no apology in his voice whatsoever.

Dumbledore took no time to evaluate the situation and send commands around. "Hagrid, please stay here with Tom. Minerva, Harry, come with me, please."

Harry shook his head shyly. "Haven't reached puberty yet. I can't come with you."

Suddenly Harry saw red sparks from a corner of his eyes. Dumbledore was hit in the back.

"You are under arrest, Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore." The attacker said calmly while handcuffing a stunned Dumbledore.

"Not funny, Minister Fudge."

"Paedophilia is a serious crime, Professor McGonagall." Fudge said with a twinkle in his eyes. "I've just witnessed him seducing you and the boy."

"You see?" Tom the barman cried, emerging from the counter and pointing at Harry accusingly. "The boy's a trouble magnet!"

Hagrid was petting Tom like petting a dog, his lips mouthing "Sorry."

"The boy?" Fudge asked sheepishly.

"MINISTER FUDGE!" Harry commanded angrily. He said with a voice of authority that made Fudge shudder. "Release 'Albus from Planet Wizard' this instant!"

"Release him from.. what?"

McGonagall stepped in, her mind set to stop the fire of anger from spreading. "Minister Fudge, this is Harry Potter. Harry Potter, this is Minister Fudge, Minister of Magic."

Once again, the crowd perked at this enthusiastically.

"Harry Potter is here?"

"Someone says Harry Potter?"

"What a fantastic day!"

"Thank you!" Dumbledore said clumsily, trying to get up while his hands were still being cuffed.

"THANK YOU!" Harry Potter announced and gestured his hand toward a robot that stood outside the shop. "Now everyone, please look at the camera and say cheese!"

With a flash, Robot took a group photo and handed it out to everyone, including the astonished Fudge. The crowd cried happily while Harry used the chaos as an opportunity to escape. He grabbed Dumbledore's and McGonagall's hands and walked toward the direction Dumbledore had been going before the Chief Warlock was attacked.

"Dead end?" Harry looked at a brick wall, disappointed. "Diagon Alley?"

"What did you just do, Harry?" McGonagall asked, bewildered.

"He is very capable of casting wandless Confundus Charm. He just didn't realise it." Dumbledore beamed. He wandlessly uncuffed himself, pulled out a wand, and tapped three times on the wall.

-oOoOo-

As soon as they arrived at the other side of the way, McGonagall's wand tapped Harry's forehead. "This should hide your scar," she said with amusement, "to neutralise your Trouble Magnet charm."

Harry jumped, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Don't do that again, will you? Not without asking me first!"

McGonagall's face saddened. "You have my words, Mr. Potter. But what inspires such a deep mistrust in adults?"

Harry crossed his arms, "I trust evidence, methodology, full disclosure and informed consent! Do you know what informed consent is, Deputy Headmistress?"

McGonagall shook her head.

"It is ethically imperative that you need to obtain your client's consent before carrying out an intervention on him. Is that understood?"

Dumbledore smiled, watching Harry with genuine interest.

McGonagall nodded to Harry, a little annoyed that Dumbledore had done very little to make this shopping trip easier. "Are you very capable of casting wandless Cheering Charm too, Mr. Potter?"

Harry was fuming. "Yes! Yes! And I am very capable of casting wandless Annoying Charm too!"

"Were you trying to say that we are annoying?" Dumbledore asked gently.

"No, I was trying to say that everything that happened around me was not necessarily caused by me. My presence alone may or may not have altered the outcomes." Harry explained impatiently.

And they walked together in silence, passing various shops and advertisements, until they stopped before a huge white building with gigantic bronze doors.

"Harry, this... is Gringotts Bank." Dumbledore smiled.

"I can read. Thank you very much."

-oOoOo-

To be continued.