Chapter 4

-oOoOo-

Harry closed the door as soon as he opened it. "Back to the lab, now! There is probably a new virus outbreak that makes people have sharp teeth and pointy ears!"

Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged glances and, after a while, burst out a joyous laughter simultaneously. It was a happy, childish laugh they hadn't had for a long time.

"They.. are.." Dumbledore said between laughs. "They are goblins, Harry."

Harry raised his blow, annoyed. "Haemoglobins?"

"Did you just say homo goblins?" McGonagall wiped tears from her eyes.

"Are they related to homo sapiens?" Dumbledore asked.

A goblin opened the door to investigate what the hell was going on outside. It was so noisy and annoying that the goblins of Gringotts decide to send one to put a stop to it. But as the goblin saw a prominent figure like Dumbledore, he needed to approach this delicately. "Greetings, Chief Warlock." The goblin bowed deeply. "If you seek the services of Gringotts today, I am afraid to have to state that acoustic turbulence is not one of our working currencies."

"Greetings, Griphook." Dumbledore tried his best to contain the laughter inside him. "I apologise for..."

"Wow!" Harry interrupted rudely, circling Griphook with an eyeing scientific interest. "This is the first time I see a homo goblin!"

Griphook grinned, his sharp teeth flashing a light. "Gringotts welcome all clients with heavy pockets, be they Death Eaters, lemon drop lovers or homophobes. Indeed we are happy to arrange a session for you to insult homosexuals for a price."

Harry was impressed. "Wouldn't they be offended?"

Griphook looked as though Harry asked a very odd question. "I'm sorry. How could too much money offend anyone?" Seeing that concern does not fall off the young boy's face, Griphook re-assured, handing each of them a brochure he retrieved from his pocket. "Do not worry, sir. They are professional actors trained to be insulted."

McGonagall studied the brochure with interest. She had never heard of this service before. The brochure said there were Pureblood clients, insulting Mudbloods in a safe and secure environment without having to face the risk of being sued for libels. There was also a special service for Hogwarts professors to practice insulting students AND VICE VERSA. "May I ask who trained the actors?"

Griphook's eyes were gleaming. "Business secrets may be revealed, for a price. Would 200 galleons sound acceptable to you, Professor?"

McGonagall winced at the price. "Thank you for the quote, Griphook. I shall think about it."

"Can we come in, now?" Harry asked impatiently.

"Ahh.." Dumbledore clapped his hands. "I believe an introduction is in order. Griphook, this is Harry Potter. Harry Potter, this is..."

"I know he's Griphook, Albie! I'm not deaf. Thank you very much!"

-oOoOo-

"Let me get this straight. Are you telling me that you have no ATMs. No debit cards. No credit cards. No cheques. No Internet banking. No call centre. What sort of bank are you?"

"Magic." Griphook said.

McGonagall saw Harry pick up a Galleon and look at it intently. Harry tapped his glasses a few times. "Before your evil thoughts take over, Mr. Potter, wizard gold is made of real gold but is charmed to be Muggle-repellent. There is no way to convert it to a Muggle currency."

Harry sniggered. "Surely I can use it to buy food or something and then sell the food to a Muggle market?"

McGonagall opened her mouth, no words coming out, and then closed it. Griphook looked thoughtful, while Dumbledore looked... hungry.

Suddenly, Robot appeared out of nowhere in the Potters' Vault. "Thank you for lending me the Cloak of Invisibility, Master."

"Merlin's beard!" Dumbledore muttered.

"Chief Warlock, may I draw your attention to the fact that Merlin knew how to groom and trim his beard?" Griphook retrieved a brochure from his pocket and gave it to Dumbledore. "Gringotts's next male grooming course opens next week, but there are only a few places left. If you miss this chance, you may have to wait until next year, because our instructor, Lord Malfoy, certainly is a busy person!"

"Thank you Griphook." Dumbledore bit his bottom lip. He really wanted to say something, but it would be unwise.

However, Harry cared no less. "Homo goblin, did it not concern you that my Robot has just bypassed Gringotts's security system?"

"My compensation is a function of sales referrals and vault retaining fees. Gringotts's security does not concern me. However -" Griphook smirked. "for a small fraction of your stunning wealth, Mr. Potter, you can keep me silent so that my colleagues have no knowledge of this incident. Does that sound acceptable to you?"

Harry tripped over a Sickle.

"I took the nod as a yes then." Griphook smiled widely, helping Harry up to his feet.

Golden light glowed when their hands touched, and about half of Harry's wealth disappeared before their very eyes.

-oOoOo-

McGonagall confronted Dumbledore as soon as they left Gringotts, her face seriously, seriously unhappy. "An Obliterate was in order, don't you think?"

Harry followed them quietly, taking in the sight of shops and people that he didn't catalogue in his memory properly on the way to Gringotts. He wondered how much it cost to establish a shop in Diagon Alley and whether there were other commercial venues worth considering.

"That would be unnecessary, Cat-woman. Our Harry needs only little time to replenish his wealth."

Harry perked up at this. How did Dumbledore know?

"Undoubtedly, the procedure involves a remote controller, a Time Tuner and a Superman costume."

Harry wondered how many times Dumbledore also did the same thing. If someone could send information to their past self, lotto would be one of the fastest ways to build wealth. And damn, the fact that he didn't bother when half of his wealth vanished was also a clue. No, the biggest reason he wouldn't do anything to the trickster was that he saw Griphook as a potential business partner.

"WHAT?" McGonagall squeaked.

"But still, this does not change the fact that Griphook's Occlumency skill is formidable. It would be unwise to attempt to Obliterate him."

Harry heard the sound of jingling Galleons that his invisibility-cloaked Robot carried.

Robot was walking besides him quietly, sending him Google search results on Obliterate and Occlumency. The search results were displayed on Harry's glasses screen: 'Your search did not match any documents.'

Harry frowned slightly. He had specifically asked Dudley to build in an auto-search function for terms that are not in the Oxford English Dictionary. Although chances were that Wizard terms would not be found in Google, it was worth a try.

"But who could have taught him Occlumancy, Albus?" McGonagall looked puzzled. "We would not have won the Wizard-Goblin war easily if they had mastered the art."

"For a price, Minerva, I believe Griphook can tell you, perhaps as much as the price for them to acquire the art in the first place."

Finally their walking came to a halt. This was their second stop at Diagon Alley.

"Ah here we are, Harry," McGonagall smiled, "this is a time to remember. A time when you become a full wizard."

"Please read, Harry," Dumbledore beamed, pointing at the shop's sign. "I know you can read."

"Ollivanders?" Harry sniffed a couple of times. "Sounds like a luxury perfume brand, but the shop looks like a cheap brothel."

-oOoOo-

"Mr. Ollivander, with due respect, do you have a better algorithm than 'trial and error'?" Harry asked after waving his fifth wand.

"Be patient, Mr. Potter. A wand chooses a wizard. Thus, we must try one by one."

Harry dropped the wand he was carrying in awe, shocked. Then he gingerly and tenderly picked it up and handed it back to the wandmaker. "Sincere apologies, Wand. Are you hurt?"

Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged worried glances but said nothing.

Harry was reluctant to ask. "Are you sure, Mr. Ollivander, that wands are sentient?"

Ollivander considered this. "Wands have allegiance, Mr. Potter, and they can switch allegiance."

Harry went silent for a long ten seconds, tumult agitating him from within. But when he spoke, his voice was steady with a charisma of John F Kennedy, his face determined. "Sorry, Mr. Ollivander, but I did not sign up to enslave a wand to my will. I do not require a wand, and I will fight for the rights and liberty of Wandom!"

"Mr. Potter!" McGonagall remarked warningly. "A wizard needs a wand, or you will not be able to cast spells. Granted, certain spells may be cast wandlessly, but you need to master them with a wand first. Besides, a wand is required do Transfiguration, Charms and Defence Against Dark Arts. It is not only central to your education, but also to your personal safety and future career!"

"Minnie, I have been called a wizard for one reason: I am a scientific genius. I am sure I can devise Muggle alternatives to master anything that wands can do. I will not fail you. Do you trust me?"

When Harry phrased it like that, McGonagall's face softened.

Dumbledore looked extraordinarily cheerful, his smile wide from cheek to cheek. "If the incident at Gringotts was any indicator, he has demonstrated a feat that even I, with a wand, cannot yet achieve. So I trust that our Harry here can, with little or no struggle, overcome the problem of attending Hogwarts without a wand."

"No kidding." Ollivander's young secret wife emerged from under the counter, licking her upper lip.

-oOoOo-

To be continued.