Chapter 10

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When Harry first received Polyjuice he Owl-ordered, his analysis failed to understand the linkage between the bio-chemical properties and magical properties of the potion. He tested the Polyjuice on many subjects, but this one amused Harry most.

Dudley recruited female vagrant off the street, and asked her if she was interested to be Mila Kunis for a few hours. Dudley promised to pay her, of course. The lady was surprised, not believing her ears that someone wanted her, an ugly girl, to role play as Mila Kunis. But her opinion soon changed when they brought her to their lab (via Knight Bus). She didn't puke at all because she got used to drug-induced gypsy dancing.

Harry and Dudley recorded the subject's memories (via interview), took the subject's blood, conducted a full-body scan, and compared the results to a Mila Kunis clone three times – (1) before the subject's consumption of Polyjuice, (2) after the subject's consumption of Polyjuice, and (3) after the potion's effects wore off.

(A sedated Mila Kunis clone was floating in a water-filled glass tomb. She was Harry's first attempt at human cloning and was a success. The clone was used for comparison, but the hair Harry put into the potion was from the real Mila Kunis).

The results were stunning – every part of the subject changed to resemble Mila Kunis, except the brain (which self-resized a little bit to fit in her new skull and self-modified some of its qualities so as not to provoke the immune system of the subject's new form). The subject appeared to retain her memories and habits, but she gained Mila's body... even tattoos, wrinkles and hair style – something that the clone did not have! Even more, the subject looked like Mila two years ago, when Harry got the hair – not Mila today.

How could a string of hair carry that much information and for such a long time? There was more than genetic information that passed from Mila to this subject by a string of hair. Dead people's hair, including John F Kennedy and Frank Sinatra, also confirmed this amazing effect of Polyjuice.

Harry was stunned. He needed two things: one, to discover what the hell was going on and two, to have fun from using it.

So when repeated tests, with sufficient sample size, confirmed safety and efficacy, Harry decided to incorporate Polyjuice to Sirius's Welcome-back Day. Having two Dudley's impersonating him was a priceless setup, first tricking Sirius into believing that one of the two Dudley's was really Harry (the other being Bellatrix) and then tricking him into suspecting that both Dudley's were Harry. So when Polyjuice's effects wore off and Sirius saw two Dudley's, who introduced themselves as Harry's Muggle cousins, Sirius screamed childishly, kicking the wall again and again, like a boy who had just lost his ice cream.

And that pleased Harry to no end.

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One of the Dudley's rolled his eyes at Sirius's childish manner. He drank Polyjuice to transform to Harry again, said with a wink 'We will meet again shortly, my fairy godfather,' and spun a Time Tuner.

The present-day Dudley informed Sirius with a ridiculous bow (his head almost touched the floor, and he shook his head while bowing). "Before you plot your revenge, Mr. Black, Mr. Potter would like to challenge your Lordship of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Marauder in a contest."

Sirius had been stunned for a few seconds before replying, "What kind of contest?"

Dudley said, "Mr. Potter will explain it to you shortly. Now, please excuse me, I have to attend a drama school to hone my acting and bullshitting skills." What Dudley didn't say was that he needed to (a) go back to the lab to write a report on Pensieve duplication and (b) accompany Hagrid to the drama school.

Dudley really loved his job – drama, prank, research. It was all in one job.

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"There is no way Kreacher can lose to this nasty metallic creature! Kreacher shall not bring shame to the House Elves!"

"I... do not intend to lose to mentally challenged beings that are not able to use even first or second personal pronouns! I, Robot the Great, shall prove to his awesome Master and his Master's childish godfather once and for all that House Elves should be made obsolete and replaced by friendly Artificial Intelligence machines!"

Harry smirked at Sirius, who pouted and crossed his arms like a child who had been refused an ice-cream.

"Ready?" Harry intoned. "Round. One. Fight!"

Sirius read his script with twinkling eyes. "Your task is to make three-course dinner for three people. You are not provided any ingredients, so feel free to seek ingredients yourself within the budget of 3 galleons that we will give you shortly. You are not allowed to use your own money or ingredients. You have 3 hours to finish the task. Good luck."

Harry handed each of the contestants 3 galleons and also wished them good luck.

-oOoOo-

Three hours later... the guests arrived in their best dresses: Dumbledore in Superman costume, Hagrid in Spiderman costume, and Lavender Brown in a brown gala dress. Well, they were invited because they all played a part in Sirius's exoneration. Harry wished the Minister's secretary could also be able to join them, but she was spending time in Azkaban. The Ministry considered the case closed since all damages were accounted for in her confession, and this was sufficient evidence to them.

"Kreacher," Harry said kindly, "Please take a seat."

Kreacher looked very, very uncomfortable. But he obeyed the order without a fight. Well, this was not his utter loyalty: he had been ordered before hand to obey all commands that were phrased like requests.

"Half of each dish contains food that was cooked by our resident House Elf, Kreacher, and the other half by Harry's mechanical house elf, Robot." Sirius explained to the guests after they took their seats.

For some reason, Lavender Brown looked even more uncomfortable than Kreacher.

"I am offended, Mr. Black." Robot pouted. "It is like calling a lion... an empowered dog."

"Do you have a problem with dogs, Robot?"

Robot bowed deeply. "Sincere apologies, Mr. Black. Your voice indicates discomfort. I shall remember not to have hot dogs served, but not today."

"Did you have anything to do with this?" Sirius looked at Harry with narrow eyes.

Harry smirked. "I did live in the same time-space continuum with Robot. Is that a strong connection to you?"

Sirius blinked and turned to address his guests, "Honourable guests, we will not tell you which half was cooked by whom. We just hope that you could give a mark on a scale of 10, to each half of the dishes served tonight. This is not a prerequisite to eating our food – it is just a very, very personal request to participate in a friendly contest between Harry's Robot and my 'Robot with a heart', Kreacher."

"I –"

Harry interrupted before Robot could finish his sentence, "Robot, please keep your mouth closed unless you are asked a question. Thank you."

Robot bowed, and silently went back to the kitchen to serve food and drinks, as instructed earlier.

"For Freedom!" Harry lifted his glass of champagne.

"For Freedom!" Glasses clinked, happy smiles exchanged, radiating from their faces.

"And now, our Hors d'oeuvre is ready to serve." Harry announced. "Please enjoy... um... devilled eggs and hot dogs."

Sirius groaned, to the entertainment of Harry and his guests.

"I heard that groan before." Dumbledore remarked with amusement.

They talked avidly about Sirius's detentions at Hogwarts, a subject that didn't interest Kreacher. So Kreacher was the first to eat one of the devilled eggs. It didn't take long before Kreacher's face turned bright red, like a tomato.

Harry looked at Sirius suspiciously. "Did you have anything to do with this?"

Sirius laughed heartily, but shook his head. "Kreacher – " he said between the laughs. "– what have you done?"

Kreacher let out a sigh before recounting his story. "Kreacher was not allowed to use his own money or ingredients. But Kreacher was not prohibited from stealing. So Kreacher had tried to enter Hogwarts, but there seemed to be some kind of anti-apparition wards that prevented Kreacher from getting in. Kreacher had tried to steal proper ingredients from wealthy wizard families too, but suffered from the same failure, since those families could afford decent anti-theft protection. So there Kreacher was – at the House which had little or no protection, the Weasleys."

Dumbledore's lips grew into a big smile. He didn't know what actually happened, but he could make a guess.

"Kreacher was approached by two twin boys who demanded to know what Kreacher was doing there. So Kreacher told the boys that Kreacher was there to steal some eggs for a dinner for his Master and guests. The boys told Kreacher that if he wanted food he could have just asked. In the end, the boys were so nice to offer some eggs to Kreacher for free."

Everyone almost lost their appetite upon hearing that.

"But we gave you money to buy food!" Harry said indignantly. "3 galleons should be more than enough for a dinner for 3!"

Kreacher smirked. "Kreacher only knew that 3 galleons were more than enough for hiring a witch to cook everything for Kreacher."

Hagrid regarded Kreacher with big eyes. He had never heard of a House Elf hiring a witch or wizard to do its work. "And who would that be?"

Lavender Brown slowly raised her hand, her face red but not as red as Kreacher's. "Kreacher asked me whether I was interested in cooking for Harry Potter. I know House Elves cannot tell lies, but obviously he didn't tell the whole truth. And I didn't know that Mr. Potter would be here at Mr. Black's dinner tonight!" Lavender said quickly. "But don't take me wrong – I didn't accept money for cooking for Harry Potter. Any girl would be honoured to cook for him."

Harry opened his mouth, but couldn't find his voice. This was awkward. So he directed this craziness toward the right target, Kreacher. "So what did you do with the 3 galleons we gave you?"

"Kreacher gave the money to the guards at Azkaban in the hope that Mistress Lestrange could return one day and drive Mudblood-lover Master and Filthy Half-blood Young Master off this Noble and Ancient House."

Sirius and Dumbledore exchanged worried glances.

"How about you, Robot?" Harry asked with a tint of pride in his voice. "What did you do with the 3 galleons we gave you?"

Robot gave a deep bow before replying. "Master, I tried to maximise total satisfaction given the constraint of 3 galleons and found a loophole in the optimisation problem. So I took the liberty of borrowing Master's Time-Tuner without asking, replicated his lotto-victory method, and used the reward money to hire the best chefs out there to prepare food for you and your guests, sir."

Lavender and Hagrid didn't seem to totally understand what Robot had said, while Sirius gave Robot overly joyful applause. He clapped his hands and laughed very loudly.

Harry didn't miss Dumbledore's quick, enquiring look that said Harry wasn't supposed to tell everyone that he had a Time Tuner.

"Well," Harry took a deep breath. "I guess we could just eat the hot dogs and see what they prepare for us next."

Hors d'oeuvre scores for Kreacher: 6 from Dumbledore, 4 from Hagrid, 0 from Lavender.

Hors d'oeuvre scores for Robot: 6 from Dumbledore, 6 from Hagrid, 6 from Lavender.

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After the main dish was served, everyone looked at their dish in complete silence, no one daring to touch the food first.

"Well, I can assure you that Robot's part is safe to eat." Harry said with a forced smile, it was forced so hard that his lips twitched. "Though I don't know which part was his."

"If you don't mind a suggestion, Harry," Dumbledore suggested, "May I perform spells that check for poison and harmful substances?"

Sirius replied expertly. "There would still be a question of Muggle poison, which is not always detectable by magical means. Let's instead ask our 'cooks' to explain what they did with the food."

"Robot?" Harry said.

Robot bowed, "Thank you, Master. I basically paid no attention on how my chefs gathered the ingredients, or how they cooked them, since I set aside 50% of the lottery prize money as an incentive, which would be paid out if and only if all of the following conditions are met: (a) Master, Mr. Black and their guests are happy with the food they prepare, (b) hot dogs is the appetiser, and (c) omelette is the main dish. I am happy to tell you that I predict 97% success with this mission."

"What an efficient and heartless manoeuvre." Harry commented dryly. "Thank you for your report, Robot."

"Kreacher?" Sirius asked uncertainly.

"Kreacher hates Old Coot Dumbledore. So he wants to piss him off. But Kreacher also hates Mudblood-lover Master. So Kreacher thinks it is a good idea to make them hate each other. So he risked his life in stealing phoenix eggs and had Miss Brown to make omelette out of it. And he asked a Hogwarts House Elf he met in Diagon Alley to tell Fawkes that Old Coot Dumbledore ate phoenix omelette at Mudblood-lover Master's house. Fawkes should arrive any time now. So Old Coot Dumbledore had better eat the omelette real soon."

Sirius hit the dinner table with his fist. "This...is unacceptable!"

As Sirius's fist hit the table, a piece of omelette bounced right into the Headmaster's jaw-dropped mouth... and in that split second, Fawkes appeared in a flash and witnessed the involuntary swallowing of phoenix omelette.

"EEEEEKKKKK!" Fawkes screamed frantically. The scream was so loud and piecing that Harry needed to cover his ears with both hands.

The phoenix did anything he could to hurt Dumbledore, including kamikaze somersaults, as Dumbledore ran around the dining table like a child being followed by a mad cow.

Needless to say, the dinner was over. All the guests abruptly left, leaving Harry and Sirius stunned for a long moment. All over the place was leftover food, broken glasses, and spilled wine.

It was Harry who broke the silence. "Sirius, did you change Kreacher's script in the last minute?"

"No," said Sirius, in all seriousness.

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A/N: Harry will visit Platform 9 ¾ for the first time in next chapter, and he will have not one, but TWO, Defence Against Dark Arts teachers. Things couldn't go more wrong, muahaha!