Chapter 19

A/N: I love you all.

Dan surges towards her despite the restriction of his seat belt, hands wrapping around the back of her neck to pull her closer. She yelps in shock at the sudden movement, dizzying her for mere seconds before his lips descend on hers and wipes her mind blank of any arguments or protests she could've ever invented.

His lips are rough and sweet and desperate all at the same time and she can't keep up, attempts to with her hands scrabbling madly at his shoulders with some mad effort to pull him closer. He presses her into the side of the car, her head falling back against the windo. The new angle makes her groan as his tongue slips inside her mouth and teases, body pressing into hers, making her shiver with want and need and desire.

Dan's lips break apart from hers gasping, and she simply moans in delight when he moves to her neck, nipping and sucking his way down to her collarbone. Her hands clutch his shoulders as his lips find her collarbone, tongue smoothing across the length of it and driving her crazy, unable to prevent herself from whimpering when the wet of his tongue leaves her body, climbing back up to attach his talented mouth to hers again.

Somewhere amidst this she manages to gather her fluttering thoughts, pushes aside the desire and succumbs to her responsible mind by placing two hands on Dan's chest and shoving him back to the other side of the car.

Dan lands against the car door with a thud, lips swollen and hair mussed as he looks at her in confusion, eyes still dripping with tears. She can imagine she looks quite the same, if the blazing heat of her skin and suddenly uncomfortable clothes are any sign, as well as her struggle to gather breath through her lust induce haze. This damn man does things to her that nobody has ever managed to do before. Things that she had never felt were possible; the rumors of love that she had always dismissed as merely tales for children, to assure them that there was something on this planet worth living for. She'd never believed in those before, but she could picture this being what the struggles are worth suffering for. The reassuring feel of his heart beneath her hand. The warmth of another body in the cold nights. The feeling of finally being safe.

"Serena?" He says, frowning. "Why'd you stop me?"

But this is why it isn't worth though. This is where she can find the flaws in the ideology of love. This is where she can feel his heart beneath her palm but it's just a pebble on the beach and the tide is coming in. She can feel the warmth of his body in the cold nights but by day the ice consumes the pair of them from the inside out. And that feeling, the feeling of being safe? Temporary; nobody is ever safe, every new day brings a potentially life-threatening danger.

"Call your son." She says, a hand fluttering against her own ribs as she tries to calm her breathing. "Tell him you're going home."

"But Serena-" He reaches for her.

She pushes him away. "Dan." She says wearily. "Please. I'm trying to save your life."

"But...But you love me? Surely you don't want to be apart from me too?"

His expression is so hopeful, so earnest and she feels her heart cave it on itself at the sight. So she drops her head into her hands, shoulders slumping. Why does he have to make this so hard? Can't he see that he's better off without her? That she's not right for him? That this was never ever going to happen, that this was never going to work?

Dan's hands wrap around her wrists. "I need more than one night with you, Serena." His breath dances across her lips and her tongue darts out involuntarily, making her blush and keeps her eyes focused on her own legs. "While that night was fantastic, I'm selfish. I always have been. I want more. I want you." He presses a kiss to her wrist, making her shudder in response. "Always you, Serena."

"No, Dan." She says with regret, leaning forwards to kiss him sweetly. "I'm selfish. I'd rather you be alive than you being mine. I don't think I could live with the guilt if you died from this."

Her eyes lift when he raises her chin, meets his soft brown eyes with her own.

"How is that selfish, Serena? I'd say that's pretty selfless." He questions, puzzled.

"Isn't the whole 'I would die for you' thing always selfish?" She wonders with a sad smile. "I don't want you to not die because I don't want you to suffer. The truth is that I don't want you to die because I don't like the idea of you suffering, having to live on with that constant guilt, having to breathe without knowing you're breathing too. Having to breath the news to your son, your dad, and face the accusations that it was all my fault; knowing that it was, too. I would rather take your place and not have to live through that pain. I just don't want to suffer. Pretty selfish, huh?"

Dan's tumb brushes across the line of her jaw tenderly. His eyes watch her with wonder and awe and a little hint of love swirling there. She doesn't understand how he can ove her despite her selfish qualities, but she doesn't mind. No man has ever loved her before when she's been this exposed, when they've know her this truthfully.

He presses a kiss to her forehead, hovering there for a moment. "Nah," he breathes, "not selfish. Extraordinary."

"Hey, Milo."

"Daddy." Milo's voice is world-weary, and he can imagine dark shadows under his eyes, hunched shoulders. He wishes it away. "Please tell me you're coming home soon."

"Uh," he clears his throat, glancing over to Serena, her hair tumbling from the wind filtering in through the window, "yeah, sweetie. I am."

"When?" His voice sounds perkier instantly, excited.

Dan's heart feels disjointed between his lungs. How is he supposed to choose between Serena and his son? He'll choose his son every time, any time, no matter what. But that doesn't mean the choice doesn't hurt, that it doesn't ache deep in his bones and fills him with regret. Because, yes, he's given in. He's going home to his son and Serena is going to leave him, going to protect him and save his life and he'll never see her again. But only for Milo. Only to keep him safe.

"I'm uh...I'm headed home right now, actually."

"Oh, Daddy!" Milo sounds like he's crying. "I'm so glad. When will you be here? Even Grandpa has been worried sick about you-"

"Milo." He interrupts. He doesn't want to know what this has done to his family. "I'll be home in a couple of hours, okay? We can talk more then."

Milo is silent for a moment, the unspoken words heavy weight between them.

"Will you tell me where you've been?"

There's something angry and scared in his son's voice at the same time. Dan hangs his head in shame. He ought to have known that there would've always been repercussions to this; that this whirlwind trip with Serena was not as wonderful as he'd dreamed it to be.

"I..."

He says nothing more, and Milo sighs.

"I thought you were better than this, Dad."

And then he hangs up.

Dan sits silence for a moment, trying to figure out what on earth it is that he'll tell his son when he gets home. His father too. His father has never been one to judge, but he'd left without a word, trusting him to look after Milo. There would be no doubt that his father would harass him about it until he told him the truth. But what would he say? Would he judge Serena? Would he want him to go to the police? He knows that Milo would, that he'd have Serena pegged as a crazy stalker within an instant, police called and interrogating him about Serena in the first few minutes of being home. No. He can't tell them. He can't let them do that to Serena.

At the thought, he looks over to her and watches the captivating tumble of her hair over her shoulders, dancing in the wind; the glimmer in her eyes as she drives on towards the sunrise. The orange of the sun paints her in gold, stroking through the shadows and lines and shapes that blend together to make her face as though she's a work of art.

No. He won't let them do that to her.

And if that's selfish of him, then he doesn't care. He doesn't care at all.

They're halfway back to New York when her phone buzzes loudly in the comfortable silence of the car, ringing and ringing and she ignores it, pain flaring in her chest when she sees the caller.

"Aren't you gonna get that?" Dan asks curiously, studying her.

"No." She answers shortly, keeping her eyes fixed on the road.

The ringing stops and she sags with the relief of it. She has been ignoring her mother's calls completely this past week, praying to whatever God she's never believed in that Lily'll get the message. She will not talk to her until Lily gets better. She's done with being her crutch. She doesn't have to deal with that if she's never unloaded any of her problems on her mother, never once relied on her for comfort ever since her Dad was killed when she was 18. Then again, it's not as though she actually had a choice. The parental roles had switched drastically between them that night, when they'd come home and the bitter wind nipped at their exposed skin, full to the brim with warm food and the knowledge of safety- Only o find that their lives were going to be changed forever.

"Why not?"

The ringing picks up again and she fights the urge to throw the damn thing out of the window. It could save her the stress.

"Serena?" Dan encourages.

"Because it's my mom." She supplies.

"So?"

She glances over at him and finds he's genuinely caring, not just searching for gossip. She sighs and turns back to the road, the endless stretch of pavement and empty. Serena's vaguely surprised by this. But she reminds herself that it's only 6am, there would be no reason for anyone to take this route. Nonetheless, it makes her feel uneasy.

"Serena?"

He touches her hand and she can't hold back any longer.

"Because she's just going to say the same damn thing she always does, Dan."

"And what's that?"

Serena clenches her jaw, eyes suddenly hazy. Are they tears?"

"That she's done with the drink. That she promises she's going to get better." She whispers.

There's a loaded silence, and she can practically feel Dan delicately choosing his next words. No. That's not what she wants- she doesn't want to be handled. She can deal with this pain. These truths. After all, she lives with them every day.

"She's...An alcoholic?"

"Yeah."

The admission makes her feel lighter somehow. She hasn't spoken about this with anyone in years. Not that anyone cared.

"It started when my Dad died." Serena finds herself telling him, and once the words start, they don't stop. "I was 18 and I'd have to drag my Mom into the bath, practically drown her in cold water to get her to wake up. I'd force her to AA meetings. Do everything I could. But you can't give help to someone who doesn't want it, you know?"

She bites her lips and her heart flutters in shame at Dan's subdued. "I know."

"She stopped when I became a lawyer like my father was."

"She did?" Dan's eyebrows are raised when she glances over at him and she can't help but smile.

"Yeah. I was so proud." She admits. "She wasn't the same as before, but I hadn't expected her to be. She was a little more quiet and a little less sociable. But she was still my Mom. That was enough. She was sober for a whole, I don't know, 8 years? 9 years?" Her eyes burn with tears when she remembers. "And then she told me that he had visited her in her dream and that he had told her that I was for some unknown reason no longer a lawyer, and everything kind of changed. So suddenly. So I told her the truth. I had lied to her all this time that they kicked me out, so she couldn't worry-"

"You were what?" Dan says, reaching out to grab her wrist.

She slows the car slightly and glances at him, watching the shock playing in his features. "I was kicked out, Dan. They wanted me gone."

"But...Why?"

Serena shrugs. "I don't know why. There was a lot of stuff with my Dad's case. A lot of rumors were spread about me. A lot of people hated me, too, I guess. They thought I was obsessed. Maybe I am." She murmurs. "And then they showed me the door. Told me I was too invested, that were was too much danger. Forced me into an early retirement. I was 25 and they shoved me into retirement, Dan." She laughs bitterly around the words.

Dan is eerily quiet and it frightens her. He's never quiet.

"I guess your Mom didn't take that well."

Serena shakes her head slowly. "No. She's been drowning her sorrows in alcohol ever since then. Three Years Now. And every morning I get a call where she swears she's gonna change, swears she's gonna get better, begs me to come home."

She knows Dan wants to ask more, but he stays quiet, allowing her to have this moment.

"I keep waiting for the day she doesn't call, Dan." She tells him quietly, tears staining her cheeks. "The day she drinks herself into a grave, joins my Dad in death."

Dan's grip tightens around her wrist, thumb smoothing across the back of her hand. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

Serena nods, throat too tight to find anything to say.

"Thank you. For telling me this." He adds at her questioning look.

Despite the tears she finds herself smiling, heart brimming with love. "You want the whole story, don't you? How I became this?"

Dan's silent but she knows he wants the story. He always wants the story.

"It's not a pretty story."

"I don't care."

Serena nods slowly. "You think you can wait a while? There's a diner about ten miles ahead. We could be cliché and do this over some coffee."

Dan grins. "Cliché it is."

That look in his eyes- happy, grateful, rather carefree- is what she thinks she'll always remember about him. Whilst his forgiving nature annoyed her endlessly, wishing for him to just be furious with her for once, she's grateful for his kindness. It's a wonderful contradiction to her own sharp personality, rough around the edges. He's wonderful and kind and she'll always love him, always hold him close to her heart as she curls up alone in the cold nights.

She's staring into his eyes when the truck that had just pulled onto the freeway crashes into them from behind and sends them flying into the barriers.