Chapter 24

A/N: I am still overwhelmed by all the Love I'm getting. Thank you so much! Apologies for the late update. I was sick and then in Hamburg for 5 days and I couldn't upload a new chapter with my phone.

The drugs that Blair gives her take control of her body for most of the day. Ravage through her system in the sweetest way and she aches to reject them, because she doesn't want to become dependent on the relief of medication, not like her Mum became dependent on the bottom of a bottle to get her through the day. But the relief from the pain is too sweet to ignore, so she caves into it.

Each time she finds herself resurfacing, Dan's holding her hand, right beside her. She aches to tell him to go clean up. Wipe the blood from his body. Get checked over by Blair. But, as always, she is human and she is selfish. She will not let him go.

One time, she's certain that she sees brown eyes that aren't Dan's. They water and hold her gaze. But she slips back under, dreaming of every guilty murder she's ever committed with the morals that she can't remember anymore.

"Serena."

Dan's voice rouses her from her slumber and she peeks at him out of the corner of one eye.

"Dan?" She rasps, lost between the haze of the pain in real life and the bliss of medicine.

"Hey." He smiles at her widely, brushing a tumb across the back of her hand. "Welcome back to the land of the living."

Serena winces at the sound of a door slamming. "It's great to be back." She remarks sarcastically.

Dan looks over at something she can't see and smirks. Doesn't say a word and turns his brown eyes back on hers, twinkling with amusement. She glares in return.

"Oh look. Finally decided to take a break from being sleepy beauty?"

Serena shifts uncomfortably on the bed to turn to them. Nate and Chuck stand by her bed looking every inch like the partners she remembers them to be. Protective, if the way Chuck seems to respond to Dan is any clue, as ever, there to make her smile in the darkest of times. And, God, she's missed them. She's missed them so much but guilt is so heavy in her chest. It hurts. Almost drags her down completely.

"Yeah, Chuck. I thought I'd leave that job to you." She returns good naturedly.

Chuck grins at her despite the anger she can see lurking in his eyes. "Funny."

Dan squeezes her hand and she takes all of the strength that she can from it. Glances between the dark eyes of Chuck and the light ones of Nate. Tries to find the answers that they're not ready to give.

"So." She says, clearing her throat. "You wanna tell me where I am?"

Chuck shoves his hands in his pockets, glancing away. Nate answers for him. "Chuck and Blair's Penthouse." He supplies all too excitedly.

She surpasses the panic that she feels deep in her chest to tease him, if only for a moment. If only for a moment, she can be who she used to be. She can be the woman who teased both Chuck and Blair endlessly for being far too stubborn to admit that they belong to each other. A woman who could forget about the ghosts that plagued her every night.

"I knew it." She says smugly, revelling in the slight blush that seems to warm Chuck's neck. "You're both wearing rings."

"Great, isn't it?!" Nate says, grinning. "I haven't shut up about it."

"Yeah, well, moving on." Chuck grumbles in embarassment, making Nate and Serena grin only wider.

"Where is Blair, by the way?" Serena asks them.

"Gone off to grab some supplies for you and see if she can take over in being the ME for this case, since Chuck and Nate are both working with the police on it as well." Dan answers her, trying to fall into the easy conversation that they've built.

Serena smiles at his answer. Tries not to think about how well Nate and Chuck would've gelled with Dan in any other life but this one. She could picture it. Dan beside her at her desk, good natured jokes with the boys, drinks with the whole firm to celebrate. Like a family.

She's broken from these foolish dreams by the harsh truth of reality.

"Hey." Chuck steps forwards, almost angrily. "She was asking us. Not you."

She watches Dan stiffen slightly in repsonse, but he seems more amused by Chuck's reaction to him than anything. Of course he would. He's strange.

But she turns to Chuck with a frown, and what she hopes is a disapproving glare. She knows that he always liked to play the big brother card on any man that stepped ten feet close to her, but this was pretty much pushing it. This was Dan, for god's sake. The man couldn't kill a fly without writing a ten page monologue about how guilty he felt. (But he could murder for her without a second thought.)

"Chuck." She warns, eyes flicking over to Nate to see him also looking pretty annoyed. What is up with them? "Lay off."

Chuck simply bulks up, like he's preparing for a fight. Nate shifts uncomfortably beside him, but not all too innocently either. They're both looking for a reason to hurt Dan, as though she's going to give them permission. What the hell?

"Uh, I didn't mean anything by it." She hears Dan say, but she's unwilling to move her eyes away from Chuck's. Simply squeezes his hand in reassurance. He hasn't done anything wrong.

"You expect us to trust him?" Chuck growls, sweeping a hand towards Dan. A vein almost popping through his forehead in anger. "You have been gone for five years, Serena. Five Years. No phone calls, no emails, no notes left behind to assure us that you were okay. And now suddenly you appear along with the body of a murdered man, looking like hell, and you want us to believe it's not his fault?"

Anger flares deeply inside her chest then and she sits up straighter, eyes narrowing him. "It's not his fault. It will never be his fault." She clutches Dan's hand tightly, her anchor to reality. "Who's the one that murdered the man? Me." She spits bitterly, watching Chuck's eyes widen. "Who's weapon did you have to dispose of because of the murder? Mine. Who has been the one there to protect me? Dan. So you're going to trust him Chuck or I swear to God I will walk out of that door again."

"Gonna run, Serena?" Nate says sourly, making her startle in surprise. "Like you did before?"

She narrows her eyes at him, unused to having to argue with Nate. It leaves her feeling horrible. Nate's never been the one to pick a fight.

"You wouldn't get that far, and you know it. Even without your injuries, you're exhausted as hell, and undernourished. You couldn't even leave this building without needing someone to carry you out."

Dan's gripping her hand tightly now. As though he can barely believe the words he's hearing. As though he's suddenly terrified for her well being.

"I am so much stronger than you guys think I am." She growls. "So much."

"Oh yeah?" Chuck steps forwards, taking over Nate's place in the argument. "You sure about that? Because the Serena van der Woodsen that I knew would not commit murder. She would not claim to be in love with a man she's known for ten days."

Tears well in her eyes then, and she can't tell whether they're angry or hurt ones, but she feels embarassment flood her system because of them. No. They will not see her so weak. They will never see her so weak ever again. And as for the comment about Dan? She will not let it go. Chuck is not going to get away with this. No matter how much he believes he's in the right, she will not let him get away with remarks like that about Dan.

"I am not the Serena van der Woodsen that you knew." She says lowly. The tone of voice that she used on witnesses in court when trying to intimidate them. "A lot has changed. It has been six years since I left the firm. Five Years since I saw you last. You really think you can dictate whether I'm strong or weak?"

Chuck says nothing in return, jaw tight. Eyes bulging.

"What do you think I've been doing for five years, Chuck? Why do you think I've been hiding? Because I can tell you, it's not for good reasons. It's not for legal reasons. You think that I wouldn't commit murder? Well, you're wrong. I commit murder without thinking now. I get paid for it." She snarls, watching Chuck and Nate both take a step back.

"You...You're an assassin?" Nate asks, dumbfounded.

She remembers words from long ago. Words to Dan, when she denied that she was. An enforcer, she'd called herself. As though using a different word for it would mitigate it's true meaning. As though she was worth any more than the low lives that committed murder just because, rather than for money.

"Yes." She answers.

And, for the first time since she'd met him, she feels Dan pull away.

"You knew about this?" Chuck seethes, looking towards Dan.

She can't look at him. She doesn't think she could stand the look of disgust on Dan's face now that she's accepted what she truly is. Breaking this perfect image of her that he's created once again.

"Yes." Dan croaks.

Chuck and Nate stare at her, eyes wide. Almost comically. But of course, there is nothing funny in this situation. Nothing at all.

"How could you do this, Serena? Hell, you're no better than the low lives we used to put behind bars every day."

"Because I had no other choice!" She yells in despair, hands closing around nothing. Oh. Dan let go of her hand.

"No other choice?" Chuck repeats. "No other choice but to kill?"

"Do you have...Any idea what it was like, for me? I had to look in your eyes both before and after the shooting and know that you guys blamed me."

Her heart feels hollow and there's no one left to care.

"The new Boss came to me a few years later. Told me that I needed to leave the firm. I was too involved, he said. Too obsessed with my father's case. I was only causing bad press for the firm. I tried to argue, but it wasn't enough. He was so obviously paid to fire me. So obvious...And foolishly I thought it would be okay. That you guys were still in the firm. Why did it matter that I'd lost my job that allowed me to investigate my dad's murder? You guys could get me information, I'd thought. But you got nowhere, and I had nothing. And then after some time my PTSD shone through, and nobody gave a shit." She snarls, hands trembling with remembering all that pain. So much pain. "I couldn't afford my therapist anymore. I didn't have a job. My savings were running out and my mum ran back to alcohol."

She quietens. Heart pounding. Hoping they won't push her for anything more.

"And then?" Nate encourages her.

She pinches the bridge of her nose with her fingers. Wishes that she were anywhere but here.

"It started off small, I swear." She says quietly, curling in on herself as though she can disappear if she wishes hard enough. "Small favours for small bits of information. Or money. I needed to eat. A roof over my head. So I'd do whatever it was people wanted. Threaten someone who'd been disloyal to a gang, bug an office. Half the information gave me nothing. Useless. Most of it lead me into danger. None of it got me anywhere." She shrugs, closing her eyes. "Guess I got a reputation for it and didn't see it all escalating until it was too late."

"You didn't notice the fact that you'd turned into an assassin?"

"Of course I did. I was aware of when that happened. I still remember, the first time I killed..."

Her eyes glaze over as she remembers. A dark alley. Her switchblade in her hand. Four quick strikes into the woman's back, covering her mouth when she'd screamed and the tears had rolled freely down her face. Feeling the warm scarlet blood soak her clothes, congeal in her hair. Tried to ignore the sobs of 'What did I do? What did I DO?' because honestly Serena didn't know what the woman had done. She'd been so young, almost looked innocent. But she had something to do with gangs and drugs and for some reason Serena had found reasoning in this, like this made her a bad person. Like she deserved to be killed.

The woman had died and Serena knew exactly how to hide a murder from the law firm. After all, she'd been one of the best lawyers in New York, got the best cases. Once. She'd burned the body back at her temporary hiding place, along with her clothes, and then went back to make sure she hadn't left prints at the scene. Sure enough she hadn't. There was a small amount of blood on the floor, but most of her clothes had soaked it up. And there was no body. If there was no body, there was no murder.

At least, that had been what she'd told herself as she ate breakfast the next morning. Bought with the blood money she had received from committing murder.

"Serena."

She snaps out of the memory and finds that she's crying. She's not surprised. Doesn't even bother to wipe the tears away as she looks around at the three men in the room, looking for some sign of forgiveness.

"You don't understand. I couldn't let my reputation go. If I lost my reputation, then how would I get any information? How would I solve my dad's murder?"

Dan's staring at her with no expression on his face. Her heart sinks. No. Of the three of them, she thought that he would understand. He should understand.

"It's not like they didn't deserve it though, right? I mean, they might have gone out and killed innocent people. Destroyed innocent lives. They deserved it. Didn't they? Didn't they?" She babbles, beginning to feel panic and abandonment claw at her lungs.

Nate and Chuck have both gone pale in the face, and suddenly they flee from the room, like they can't stand to be there with her anymore. It breaks her heart. This is breaking her heart. Why can't any of them understand? She just wants answers. That's all she's ever wanted. Just an aswer to the question of why. Nobody could ever give it to her. She'd had to try. Right?

"Dan. Dan, please." She doesn't know what she's begging for when she turns to him, she just knows that she is.

Her hand falls onto his but he pulls away. Staring at her like she's a stranger. Like he doesn't love her. Like he never did.

"How can you be so cold?"

It slices her heart in two.

"I don't know." She sobs. "I don't know."

He rises from his seat.

"I love you." She gasps. "I love you so much, Dan."

But he leaves her anway. Alone with her aching heart and bruised lungs. Aching over herself and trying to find a way to move past the pain of being abandoned.

They always leave.

A/N 2: I know that y'all want some fluffly stuff and I can definitely understand that, but this is a warning that I definitely prefer drama to keep things interesting.