Chapter 26

A/N: Happy Thursday and Much Love to all of you! Hannah (YouAndIAreForever) showed me that this fic got recommended from dan-serena on Tumblr. Thank you so much for that, that really means a lot to me!

Chuck requests Mortem's file, assuring Serena that his old contact from the military won't speak a word about the investigation, though that doesn't help the unease in her gut. As they way, Blair pulls the drip from Serena's arm, and tends to Dan's wounds. Once Serena convinces him that he needs the medical attention, of course. It takes some time. But he concedes.

Nate sits by her bedside as she flexes her aching limbs, flexes her toes and winces at the shooting pain down her leg. Tries to take in a deep lungful but her bruised ribs make that ache, too. Isn't there anything that she can do without feeling pain all over?

"Juliet and I have been married for five years now." Nate blurts out.

That raises a smile to her lips. Remembers the wedding, one of the last times she had seen Nate before she had dropped off of the face of the earth. He'd been so happy. That day, with Juliet in white and Nate staring at her as though she was the most gorgeous woman in the history of human beings, had been enough to break through her sadness. She'd danced with Chuck and teased him about Blair, she had cried as Nate and Juliet had traded rings and promised 'I do', she'd been filled to the brim with the bubbles of champagne. A phantom of loneliness still resided in the dead weight between her lungs, but it had been small enough to ignore, if only for that moment; when the world kept spinning and she did not, in fact, feel it moving away beneath her feet.

"We have two daughters."

Serena stills, settling back against the pillows.

"Tell me about them." She requests softly.

Nate smiles, eyes lighting up the way a man's do at the mention of his happiness, his everything.

"They're almost three. Mary and Kate. Twins." He grins widely, almost infectious with his happiness. "They're so beautiful. So clever already. They- I can't describe how my world revolves around them now. I didn't think I had any space left in my heart for love because of how much I loved Juliet, but from the moment she told me to now, when they run into my arms when I get home from work, I've never loved anything on this earth as much as I've loved them."

Serena swallows thickly, mouth opening to find the words to say. She cannot find any.

"I think that you'd get along with them really well. I think that Mary would like you. Your humor."

Her fingers clench in the sheets. "You'd let me near them?"

Nate ducks his head slightly, blushing. "I know how I rected before was horrible and completely unforgivable. But..." Nate's eyes meet hers, unmarred loyalty tattooed there. "But I don't believe that you're a bad person. I just think that you're confused. I think that you need help, yeah, but that you're too stubborn to ask for it. The things you've done aren't okay, but I understand that you're not the person you used to be, and that you're lost. But we can help you. I'd always help you."

And she can't bear to break his heart by telling him that there will never be a time when she will get through this, that there will never be a time when she reverts back to the person that she used to be, that she wll never meet his daughters.

So she reaches out and hugs him tightly, sighing meaningless syllables that represent all she wants to say.

Blair cups her elbows and helps her out of the bed. She wobbles a little, but the extent of the damage doesn't render her completely useless. She can walk by herself but limps slightly, agonizing pain tingling up and down her leg in sporadic bursts. Pushes Dan away when he attempts to hold her upright.

For a moment she's content to stand by the window and watch the familiar signs of Manhattan. How she's missed this place, living amongst normality, instead of hiding away.

"I got his file."

She turns from the window slowly, mindful of Dan's eyes on her, as Chuck waltzes into the room, file in hand. He heads directly to her and passes her the manilla folder without her even needing to ask.

Serena flicks to the first page, taking in the picture of James Mortem. Senator Mortem, now. It sends shivers down her spine, as she reads his financials, finds them squeaky clean. His phone records, just fine. Everything is just fine. Almost as though he has nothing to hide. But she knows that he does, because four years ago he found her in the back of some Russian Club taking the table for all they had, and had hired the hit. Told her that a friend of a friend had told him that she knew how to be discreet, that he would be willing to pay her any price that she named if she murdered for him, send a message to a gang. Told her that the woman she had to take down was neck deep in drugs and gang violence and that she was a danger to society.

How on Earth has this man managed to become Senator?

One finger reaches out and touches the photo of the well-dressed white man, smiling for the photograph without remorse. Does her own smile look like that?

"Hey, guys?" She looks towards Nate and Chuck. "When you head back to the Police Station, could you run the name Alyssa Cox?"

Nate steps forwards, frowning. "Alyssa Cox?"

"Yeah, that was..." Her throat bobs. "The name of... It's who he had me..."

Nate's frown only deepens. "Was she blonde? About 5'5, blue eyes?"

Serena swallows past the lump in her throat. Tries to forget how the woman was so sleight, like a body wracked with drugs, had fought so hard. Sobbed and pleaded. 'Why me? Why me?'. 'Be quiet. Please. Please be quiet. I'm so sorry.'

"Yes." She confirms, dread filling her stomach. "Why?"

Nate turns to Blair, "Blair, where's your wedding album?"

"In that drawer right next to you." Blair points out, and they all watch Nate pull the album from the drawer.

He flicks through the photos, the sound of the pages turning filling the suddenly tense silence of the room, all their eyes drawn to Nate at once. And even though her heart is beating furiously, even though she is carrying the heavy weight of all she's ever done, she cannot help but feel the slightest shred of happiness. This feels just like it used to.

Nate stops on a page and holds the album out for Serena. Alyssa Cox stands amongst the guests of Chuck and Blair's wedding, smiling and alive, so different from the woman who had sobbed in fear as the blood had drenched Serena's skin. "Is this the woman that you're talking about?"

"Yeah. That's the one."

Nate pales immediately. It makes her gut clench in fear.

"Y- You guys know her?"

Chuck looks over Nate's shoulder at the folder, shoulders slumping in an emotion she cannot name as soon as he takes in the sight of the face.

"Her real name is Louisa Anderson. Alyssa Cox was always her undercover name. She worked for the firm, had to go undercover for several cases. She replaced you in the firm. I used to work with her back then." Nate tells her, green in the face.

Her hands tremble, almost dropping the folder that she holds in her hands. But then she finds herself gripping it fiercely, because there is nothing else. Nobody else to support her. Where's Dan gone?

"This picture was taken two weeks before she disappeared... She was borrowed by vice for a couple days.. And then she was gone." Nate stares at her, eyes hardening. "We searched with the Police for months. I had to sit her eight year old daught down and tell her that mommy wasn't coming home. I had to tell her mom that they weren't good enough to find her. I had to lose another friend, a member of my team, with no explanation as to what happened."

Chuck and Blair stand beside Nate, that same tightness in their eyes, disbelief crossing their faces. Oh no. Oh no. What has she done? Why did she do it?

"Nate." His name is strangled on her tongue as she backs away, bumping into the window. Feeling like she's concerned. "I- I'm sorry. I didn't know... He told me that she was a gang memeber, a drug addict. I didn't-"

"That was a cover, dammit!" Nate cries, throwing the photo aside, taking a step forwards. "That was cover because she was trying to make the streets clean! Clean from people like you! How did you do it, huh? How did you look into her eyes and watch her life leave her body? Did you even think about the life that you'd taken or were you so self-centered you couldn't stop thinking about your dad?!"

"Nate." Chuck lays a hand over his shoulder, shaking his head, but the words have already been spoken.

Serena's not quite sure what to say, how to get her lungs working once again. Her heart feels sluggish in her chest and for a moment she thinks that it may stop altogether.

"Serena."

Dan curls a hand around her elbow but she shakes him off. She deserves this. This is what they've been trying to get through to her the whole time, right? That what she does is wrong, that she's the bad guy in all of this, no matter how twisted her mind may be. These are the words that she needs to learn to accept. These harsh truths.

It doesn't make them any easier to swallow, though. Not at all.

"I... I'm so sorry." She whispers.

Nate's chest heaves from the exertion, eyes carefully blank, and then he turns away. "I'm gonna go back to the station, to help the Police. I don't know how we're gonna cover for the fact that we destroyed evidence for her, but I'll think of something."

Nate pushes past them all, out of the room, door slamming behind him. Leaving them all staring at one another, shell-shocked.

'Why me? Why me?'

'Be quiet. Please. Please be quiet. I'm so sorry.'

Serena closes her eyes against the onslaught of grief, fighting it tsunami wave for tsunami wave. These memories haunt her every night. She has been able to cope with them. Never has she had to face them in the light of day, when she couldn't hide in the shadows. When she can't pretend to be somebody that she isn't, anybody that she would rather be.

"I'm going to go. I'm sorry, I- I shouldn't have called."

The words make Blair stir and she drifts forwards slightly, but Chuck lays a protective arm across her stomach, holding her back.

"Dan, where... Where did you put our bags?"

Dan crosses the room and reaches under the bed, shrugging two rucksacks onto his shoulders and holding her gym bag full of weapons in his right hand. Her heart constricts at the sight. His loyalty. His love. She is so undeserving of him, she never has been worthy, she never will be. But that doesn't mean she can't imagine a life where she was. A life in which they could just be two normal people in love. A life she yearns for every time she looks away from her dad's file and towards him.

"Don't you think he could stay with us? So we can protect him? They'll expect him to be after you."

Chuck's voice surprises her, but the thought makes her panic. As much as she aches to protect Dan, she's still selfish, she still wants him close. She needs him. She needs someone to hold onto whilst the pain ravages her whole.

"So that he can stay here and I put my life on the line, you mean?" She says sarcastically, because she has no idea how to make the hurt go away, other than to inflict it on others.

But Chuck doesn't take the bait. "You know I'd take a bullet for you, Serena."

She tries to smile, but she imagines it's more of a grimace. "No, you wouldn't."

"I'll be safe." Dan pipes up, and when she turns to him she frowns, because there's something clouding his eyes. Something he's holding back. "Scout's honour."

Serena heads towards the door, pausing before Chuck, aching to reach out and squeeze his shoulder but refrains. "Thank you for getting me the file, Chuck. I'm... I'm sorry. For everything."

As she tries to move away, Blair reaches out and snags her wrist, pulling her back.

"Serena." She whispers, eyes watering and lips trembling. "Please don't leave. Not again."

"It's for the best, B." She tells her, reaching out to squeeze her best friend tightly. Goodbye.

"I love you, S." Blair tells her when they pull away, fingers digging into her shoulders fiercely. "I love you no matter what it is you've done. Remember that. Please. I'm always here to help you. I always will be."

Serena steps away. "I know." She lies. "Goodbye, Blair."

She doesn't look back when she goes. She's never liked goodbyes.

Dan doesn't say a word the whole elevator ride down. He stands rigid by her side. Away. Doesn't even attempt to touch her. That worries her immensely, but she doesn't push it, perhaps it's the shock. They're yet to speak about his reaction to all of the recent events. This case has taken over their minds. Or, rather, hers. She hadn't even thought of him. She truly is selfish, after all.

Once they reach the lobby of the building, which is deserted, Serena reaches out and stops him with one hand. He flinches away from her touch.

"You wanna talk about it?" She asks.

Dan drops the bag and reaches out, wrapping her up in a hug so tight she loses her breath, pain flaring and engulfing her completely because of her bruised ribs. But she doesn't say a thing. She'll never say a thing. If there is anything she will do, she will let him have this, it's only fair. Only fair that he seeks comfort in her body. She'd sought comfort in his once.

"I love you." He whispers into her hair. "More than I've ever loved another woman in my entire life, and that scares the crap out of me, Serena."

"I know." She reassures him, skimming her hands across his shoulder blades. "I love you."

He pulls away to press his forehead against hers, still cradling her in his arms. "Do you plan on leaving me, Serena? Once I'm safe?"

She reaches up and touches his lips with one hand. He is so beautiful. She is so undeserving. "Yes." She whispers.

His arms only tighten around her in response, eyes filling with tears. "I don't know what I want. I want you to be with me. I want you with me, always. But I have a son. A son, Serena. I have to be responsible- I can't just-"

"Be with someone like me?"

It hurts more than she'd anticipated. It hurts like it's goodbye.

"I understand, Dan."

"Serena- Serena, I think I know why someone's trying to kill me."

"What? How long have you known?" She feels the blood boiling in her veins at that. This man. This whoe mess could've been avoided if he'd just tod her in the first place-

"Not for long. I mean- Only since you mentioned Senator Mortem. Only then."

"Why didn't you tell me then?" She demands hotly.

Instantly, his eyes droop, one tear leaking from his brown depths. She tightens her hold on him instinctively. It hurts so much. Is this goodbye?

"Because even though I have to be responsible, even though you've done terrible things, even though I know you're going to leave me eventually... I don't want to lose you."

Before she can formulate a response, everything goes black.