Chapter 29

A/N: Last full chapter. Next will be the epilogue. I'm getting really sad about this fic ending, but all ogod things must come to an end, right?! As for the sequel thing, I like the idea, I'd just like to concentrate on other stories first, so we'll see ;)

Serena's eyes flicker open slowly, watering at the harshness of the white lights she finds when she wakes, an overwhelmingly annoying beeping sound invading her ears. Making her cringe.

"Serena?"

She focuses her eyes and finds Blair standing at the end of her bed- A bed? Where is she?- studying her with concerned eyes.

"Blair?" Her voice sounds rough even to her own ears, and she winces.

"Hey, S."

"Where- Where am I? What happened?" She asks as Blair walks around to her side, fingers clenching in the sheets.

"You're in a hospital, and this room is being guarded by several officers. Nate shot you." Blair informs her quietly. Serena's fingers curl tighter into the sheets, mouth falling open. Silent. "You're also getting treatment for severe malnourishment, exhaustion, and that leg of yours is finally getting a rest like it should have in the first place. The bullet didn't do much damage, thank God."

Serena accepts the news quietly, turning her eyes away from Blair, away from such caring ones that she doesn't deserve. Despite the immense pain and difficulty, she pulls her knees towards her chest, cradling her knees in her palms even as she trembles with the exertion. Her shoulder screams with pain, and she has to swallow back the sob that traps itself somewhere by her heart. The pain is too much so she slumps onto her side, curling into a ball and trembling with the pain.

"Are they gonna arrest me, Blair?" She asks quietly, meekly. Like a child.

Blair steps forward, smoothing a hand through Serena's hair, gently caressing her. Serena wishes that she wouldn't. She doesn't deserve this.

"For, at least, Mortem and Carmichael's murders. Nate, Chuck and some detective are going to come in and read you your rights soon, Serena." Blair crouches down so that she's eye-level with Serena, palm resting on her cheek and forcing her to look at her. "We're going to get you the best attorney, or you take Nate or Chuck. But Serena... I think it's for the best if you plead insanity."

Serena stares at her, jaw slack, wide eyes filling with tears. Has she relly come to this? Is she really going to be locked away? Is she really insane?

"I'm not crazy, B." She chokes out, shivering, long nails digging into her palms as she turns her face into her pillow to hide the tears. "I'm not."

"Maybe not." Blair murmurs, but Serena can tell she's lying. "But you don't deserve prison, S, you deserve a chance at starting over. You didn't do any of this to yourself, this wasn't your choice. At least you can... Get better."

"I don't know how to.. How to stop being like this." Serena confesses, tears blurring her vision and she keens, clutching the pillow for all it's worth. Grits her teeth against the sobs but they still escape her, heaving over and over, to the steady thump of her heart in her chest. "I want to be more than this. I don't know how. I don't know."

Blair pushes the rails of the bed down and crawls onto the narrow mattress, curling one arm around Serena and holding her close. The familiar smell of Chanel No. 5 fills Serena's nose, but deep down she can smell the spice of Chuck's aftershave, and maybe she's imagining it but she's sure she can smell the scent of the Champagne that they used to drink together on their girls nights. Imaginary or not, it comforts her and she tucks her head into Blair's shoulder, allowing her to give her this. Allowing her best friend to comfort her in a time when she doesn't even deserve it, because no matter what, she'll always be there for her.

"I want my dad, B." She sobs, tasting salty tears on her tongue. "I want my dad."

Blair holds her tighter, anchoring her to reality.

Gratitude is on her tongue, but she's choking on her heavy burdens, so she lets them swallow her whole.

They won't let him ride with her in the ambulance.

The Captain, now sporting a shiny black eye, forces him to the precinct. Tells him that he needs to give in his own statement about the recent events, as well as what's transpired over the past two weeks.

He can only be grateful that it's Chuck and some detective he has to give his statement to (Nate had ran into the male toilets the moment they'd arrived at the precinct, puking his guts out alone in a cubicle, away from them all, as he sobbed with guilt). They manage to sort their story out, manipulating it so that Nate, Chuck and Blair are left looking innocent- He assures Chuck that Serena wouldn't want to drag them into this, that they shouldn't be punished for helping their friend when they didn't know what they were getting into.

It gives him a chance to find out what happened, too. Chuck explains it to him without hesitation.

After they'd left Chuck and Blair's Penthouse, Milo's nanny had reported Dan missing, claiming that he should've been home hours ago- That she hadn't seen him in almost two weeks and she was worried about whether he was being held hostage. Nate had asked a friend working in missing persons to keep him updated regarding Dan, so he'd been alerted about the call. He'd then immediately contacted Chuck, encouraged him to go after Dan and Serena to warn them- Chuck had found their bags in the alley beside his wall, Serena's blood smeared onto a brick wall.

About the same time, officers had returned from searching one of many of Carmichael's buildings, returning with a file that explained everything to do with Senator James Mortem and his involvement in Serena van der Woodsen's dad's murder, as well as the murder of everyone else he'd ever had killed, and her shooting.

After waiting for forty minutes for a warrant, they were finally allowed to track Mortem's whereabouts through his cell. They had no idea who the bad guy was- Serena or Mortem- but either way they knew that Dan was in danger, so the squad had been sent after them. And that was when they had found them. That was when Serena had murdered Mortem before their very eyes.

Dan doesn't tell him how he's a murderer too, that Serena destroyed the body and all evidence.

"She'll go away for a long time for this." Chuck tells him quietly as he tucks his notepad with Dan's statement away. "But at least she got Mortem. She always wanted justice."

Dan walks through the precinct with Chuck, observing the room. The officers. The detectives. The whiteboard, filled with Carmichael's information, details of the man. Phones shrilling in the background. The Captain reporting to the mayor in her office.

"She doesn't deserve to do time, Chuck." He states as they near the elevators. "This isn't her fault."

"Maybe not, Humphrey. But that's what's gonna happen, life isn't fair. It never has been for her." Chuck shrugs.

Dan stares across the room once more.

"Blair's gonna try and convince her to plead insanity. Nate and I are supposed to go and arrest her with some officers once we finish up here. Should be in about an hour."

Dan's gaze snaps back to the man, sees the intent in his dark eyes. "I don't suppose you could convince them to let me into her room?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

By the time Dan arrives, Blair's leaving the room and Serena's holding the twenty-third version of the note that she's written him.

She looks up at him and feels a wide smile splitting her face in two. He grins back at her in a similar amount, closing the door behind him so that they're alone.

"Hey, Serena."

Dan grabs a chair and pulls it beside her bed, hand reaching out to clasp it in hers. The note curls in the ball of her fist.

"They let you in here." It's part a statement, part a question. Wonder in her voice.

Dan shrugs. "Officer outside's a fan of my work. Besides, Chuck called ahead. He gave it the all-clear."

"They're gonna arrest me, Dan."

He traces pattern onto her skin. Knowing him, it's likely that the patterns represent something- something romantic, something grand. But she cannot for the life of her summon the engery to figure them out; she doesn't need to. She knows he loves her.

"I know."

His voice is quiet, resigned. Carrying the weight of the world.

"I'm gonna admit to everything. Everyone I ever murdered."

His head snaps up, brown eyes shocked, surprised, mouth dropping open as his grip on her hand loosens.

"But, Serena, you.. You'll be put away forever."

"My victims deserve justice." Her voice is strong, resolute. Unwavering. "Their families do. I know that, because I needed it- Look what happened because it took me so long to get it... But it's okay, Dan, because my Dad always strived for justice, you know? As a lawyer, that was what he was there for, but it wasn't just the job. It was him, too, his own independent thinking. Victims always deserve justice."

Dan reaches up, tucks a tendril of her hair behind her ear.

"And you think going to prison is justice? For them? Throwing away your life?"

Serena swallows nervously, looking away, down at their clasped hands.

"Blair told me to plead insanity. I don't know if it will work, but maybe it wil- That way, maybe I have a chance at a life, one day. If I can ever, I don't know, get better." She squeezes his hand, meeting his eyes. "It's funny because, when I'm with you, I- I see how wrong it is. Everything. You give me that perspective that I don't have. And you gave me the perspective to see justice will solve this all. It'll make my head stop spinning, Dan. I can see things clearing already."

She means it. Every single word.

He gives her the sense she has always been denied.

She doesn't think she'll ever be able to explain to him how grateful she is.

"I've ruined your life." He bites out, tears in his eyes.

She reaches out with her free hand and turns him towards her, brushing her thumb across his cheekbones. Smiles. Light from the freedom of her heavy weight.

"Dan, you've made my life a better one. So much. So very, very much. I'm so grateful that I met you." She shudders, crying. "I've almost killed you too many times. Even whilst in love with you. So I don't expect you to feel the same anymore, but I just want you to know that I love you with everything I am and have ben. Everything, Dan. Always."

Dan leans towards her, heavy, resting his head on the bed rails. She strokes his fine hair lightly, drops as kiss to his crown.

"I shouldn't love you, but I do."

His small statement makes her heart burst at the seams.

The tears break free then, trembling hands cupping his cheeks as she leans in and kisses him thoroughly. Tastes goodbye and forever on his tongue. Hopes that this time together has been enough, wishing that she had been more for him.

She breaks apart from him with stuttered breaths, watching the hurt play in his brown eyes.

"I won't ever see you again, will I?" Dan says quietly.

"Maybe you will. Maybe I'll be released one day soon, or one day far away, recovered and happy. And we'll bump into eachother on the sidewalk. Get some coffee, fall in love all over again." She presses a kiss to his nose. "You'll brag about the success of Sabrina."

His eyes brighten by one shade. "You knew I was writing about you?"

"Of course I knew you were writing about me, do you think I'm dumb?" She teases, smiling, getting lost in their imaginary tale. "I'll claim I haven't read them. You'll know I'm lying."

"You'll say you skipped page 108. I'll laugh."

"What's on page 108?"

"You'll see."

He falls silent, and she wishes that she could rid him of the ghosts in his eyes. But there's nothing she can do. Nothing she can do because this is right, even if it hurts him.

She uncurls her hand and offers him the scrap piece of paper, watching as he eyes it warily.

"I think I wrote this twenty three different times. One version was even two pages long." She tells him as he takes it from her hands." But words are your forte, not mine. I think it's enough."

He stares at it, not making a move to open it. "What is this?"

"It's for the days that you doubt me. Wonder why you ever thought it was worth it. I- I just need you to remember this, if you ever think you were wrong to trust me. The media's gonna say a lot of things, Dan, and so is the court. They'll make it seem like I never gave a rat's ass about you. I swear, that's not true."

He looks up at her, and his brown eyes sparkle with unshed tears. "I know."

"Can you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Will you look out for my Mom? I've done a pretty crappy job looking after her. I- I should've been better. A better daughter. A better... Person."

Dan shakes his head. "You didn't even need to ask, Serena."

She reaches out and pulls him into a hug. Curls her fingers in his shirt. Inhales him, that smell of fresh ink and paper and sweat. He smells like forever.

"Will you stay, Dan? Until they come?"

She is selfish. She shouldn't be asking this of him.

But he melts against her, lips brushing her neck as he speaks.

"I'll stay."

His tears wet her gown, almost making her cold.

But she doesn't care, because this is her last moment with him, and he is holding her so gently that she cries too. And she can feel his breath tickling the shell of her ear, his hands dwarfing her with his size, the steady thump of his heart beating through his chest.

And she can love him freely. For the last time. For all the times they'll never have. For all the times they've had. For the always that he deserves.

It's enough, she thinks.

It's enough.