PART TWO:
Free Again…
The episode from Sha're's point of view
NOTE: I know that everyone thinks in their mother language, so Sha're would think in Abydonian. As this fic tries to show her thoughts, her ideas, her feelings, for more credibility I should have written this in Abydonian. The problem is I can't speak it, and I think nor can the majority of the readers, so I wrote it in English. Please imagine that you read it in Abydonian and you have a translation or something… Her thoughts are written regularly, dialogues between the symbiont and its host are put in …, 'external' dialogues invented by me are between "…" and dialogues taken from the episode are written in italics, between "…".
Many, many thanks to Stonedtoad, for her great and helpful advice both as a beta and as a friend.
I have to do something. I can't allow Ammonet to hurt my people. I know she captured many Abydonians, and brought them here, to this planet. She killed some, and tortured others for information. I don't even want to think what she's doing now… I've got to stop her! I must! But it's useless. I want to move my hand, but the hand does what she wants. I want to close my eyes, for I don't desire to see all the atrocities she can show me as a punishment, but my eyes remain opened. I want to scream, to tell everyone that I'm still here, but my mouth is silent. I want to run away from it all, but my legs don't obey my orders. I'm trapped in my own body,- I'm alive, but with no control, trapped with the silent echoes of my screams. Right now I don't see, hear, or feel anything from the outside world. She can do this and she does it whenever there's something very important and she doesn't want me to know about it. Or when she doesn't want to share her sensations. And this is a good thing, because I really don't want to see the terror in a man's eyes when she kills him little by little, very painfully, with the hand device. Or I couldn't stand feeling my body being with another man, with Apophis. Even thinking of it makes me sick… I'm betraying all the oaths I made to my Dan'iel; I'm even betraying my own love for him… But no. I'm not doing it. She is. It's just that thought brings no comfort and my tears do not wash away my pain. Oh, I miss him so much…! I miss his tender embraces, his eyes, his voice, his smile, his hands playing in my hair, his skin on mine… I want him to be here with me, to take me in his arms and just hold me for hours. I want to loose myself in those soft blue eyes, and hear him again saying that he loves me, and there is nothing in the world that might destroy this enormous love. But now… I'm alone, prisoner in my mind, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him how much I loved him.
Where are you, my Dan'iel? Are you ever thinking of me? Are you trying to find me, and save me somehow from the hell that my life had become?
Oh, I can't be that stupid! I know he is. I can't allow myself to believe that he had forgotten me or that he doesn't care about me anymore. Because I know him. I know he's the most wonderful, forgiving, kind and loving man in the Universe. Yes. I know that. And he proved his love by the way he behaved when my child was born. He did all in his power to help me. He even wanted to take me to his planet… And he appeared not to hate the baby within me. I know he was suffering too, more than I dare imagine. He should have been extremely angry on me for having a child with another man, but he understood. Of course, he's so smart… In the short time we were together, I used to wonder how could he be so intelligent. His wisdom, together with the passion he showed in deciphering what the inscriptions in that cave were writing, made me fall in love with him on our first wedding night. Later, when we would spend nights in the middle of the desert and he would tell me tales from his world, I would be totally charmed by him. By his way of speaking, by the way he used to look at me, by his voice… And I have to admit he's also extremely good-looking… He really was the most perfect husband a woman could ever have, he loved me, and I'm sure he still does. I wish someday we could be a family again, and maybe… the little boy I gave birth to could be a part of that family too. Although he's not Dan'iel's, I can't help loving my own child…
Oh, my poor baby! When Ammonet took control of me again, I could see him being kidnapped by one of Heru'Ur's guards. He's probably dead by now… I am a mother, but I wasn't allowed to hold my own child… But… maybe it's better this way. If Apophis had put his hands on him, he'd take the child as his new host, and I don't want him to live the life I'm living.
How much I hate the Goa'uld! They destroyed all I had, and death is million times better than the life I live, not living but simply being, day after day as my body is used by another… I hate them so much!
Speaking of which… There she goes. She lets me perceive again.
/"What were you saying about us?" /
/"I said I hate you! I'm not scared about what you're going to do with me! Go ahead, hurt me, torture me, kill me, do whatever you want, but I'll never approve of you. And since I don't have anything left, I don't even have myself anymore, I don't care about life!" /
/"You don't care? Good. This means you don't care about sending your father to death by your own hands?" /
/"No! Please don't do that! You can't do that!" /
/"Oh, yes… I can…"/
Now I hear his voice from outside the tent. Father? Is that you? Yes, I know it's him. How could I forget the voice that guided me through life for all my childhood and teenage years? The voice of my father was the one to tell me what was right and what was wrong, he taught me all he knew and tried to make a fine woman out of me. Oh, father… what did they do to you? Are you hurt…?
"I tell you, this is not the infant you are seeking. The child of my daughter was taken by Heru'Ur."
Infant…? My child…? Might he be alive? Here?
"Shut up, old man!" This must have been one of Ammonet's Jaffa…
I hear someone groaning as if being hit. Oh, Father!
"Bring him in front of his Lady! And bring the child with you!" I sense Ammonet speaking with my mouth in a deep Goa'uld voice.
My father is being forced to kneel in front of me. He looks tired, and in pain. If only I could do something to help him…
"How could you dare say this is not my child? The blood probes prove it!"
One of the Jaffa uses a torturing device on him, but he doesn't say a word.
"So finally you're admitting… by this silence." Then she turns to her closest aid: "Well done. Give me the infant."
"My Lady." The Jaffa bows his head and hands her…a small…sweet… baby! It is my child! I know it; I feel it! And my arms are holding him right now. He is a wonderful baby… and a part of me. Oh, I just wish he was Dan'iel's child…But now is not the time to think about this. I'm holding my baby for the first time… But Ammonet is holding him… without love… like… an unimportant thing.
"Very nice, indeed. Take the infant and go to Kheb. Remain there until you receive further information from us or from our beloved Pharaoh Apophis!"
"As you wish, My Lady."
'Our beloved Pharaoh Apophis'! It gives me nausea… So she's taking my poor child to…a place called Kheb…
"And what are we to do with the old man, My Lady?" another Jaffa asks.
Oh, no. I feel my left hand rising...
/"No! Don't you hurt him!" /
/"And what could you do to stop me?" /
No! She hits my father with the hand device, and he's sent flying several feet.
"Take him away! I have things of a greater importance to do for the moment…"
/"And now, my humble hostess, you're going to suffer my great vengeance! You shall learn the power of your goddess!"/
I want to tell her she's not my goddess, but before I can do it, she continues:
/"Are you prepared to kill the man you love most?" /
It can't be. She just sent my father away and… Dan'iel! No, no, no, no! He's far away now, in a safe place. He has to be!
/"No, he's not! He's right here. In the middle of a battlefield! I've deliberately let some Abydonians send a message towards Earth. They asked for help, and now your husband and his pathetic little friends are thinking they can save this entire people…! Defeating my army of Jaffa…! They don't have a chance, and if they do win, from my part, they're free to take them away. I don't care. I succeeded in my mission; I've taken the baby and that is the most important fact. Now I'll have fun, my host, because if your Daniel is still alive, he'll come here. Wait and see his reaction when he sees you!" /
I'm moving again and my legs take me outside the tent. I can see my father talking to another man… Oh, no! It really is him! My Dan'iel! Run! Save yourself! Ammonet is going to hurt you! Please go away! But it's no use. I'm crying in the inside, but my eyes remain dry.
My father is pointing this tent and, after being told something, he follows the others. My husband is running towards here. I know he didn't recognize me yet, but I'm afraid of what will happen when he does. He stops, looking at me. Yes. Now he knows I'm here. Please don't come closer, my love! Please run away! I don't want to hurt you! Run! Please…!
A Jaffa emerges. Dan'iel shoots him. Then another guard appears, fires his weapon, knocking my husband off his feet. The second Jaffa is killed too. I just hope my Dan'iel is all right…
/"He is, you fool. But not for long!" /
I'm entering the tent again, but I can hear the sounds of the battle outside. Knowing my Dan'iel, he would come here.
And here he is, holding a gun to me. His hair is shorter than it used to be, but this doesn't make my husband less handsome… I see a lot of things in his beautiful eyes: fear, determination, emotion, a little shock, hate for the Goa'uld and… love for me…
"Don't move," he says in English, his voice shaking a little.
Oh, how much did I miss that kind voice! Come on, my love, kill Ammonet, and take my life with hers. Save yourself! Go away! I love you so much! Please save yourself! Please!
He looks for something while he's coming closer. Oh, my love, please, please go away! You're in a great danger here, and I don't want to hurt you in any way. Please… save yourself…!
"Where's the boy?"
I feel my eyes glowing while I hear Ammonet speaking, using the same language:
"Where you and the System Lords will never find him."
"Don't."
No! My hand starts to rise again. She's going to kill him if I don't do something… But what could I do to help him?
/"Don't do it, Ammonet! Please! Don't hurt him! Hurt me instead!" /
/"This is the best way to hurt you, my humble hostess. Right now, you're going to kill the man you love. He won't do a thing to stop you. And when he's dead, I'll put him in the sarcophagus, resurrect him and kill him again and again, until I feel you learned to fear the great power of the Goa'uld!" /
"Don't," he repeats and aims his gun. Please, kill Ammonet! Save yourself, my Dan'iel! Don't think about my life. It's nothing compared to yours. Please kill her! Please set me free…!
But he doesn't fire. She activates the deadly device and the process begins, making my husband sink to his knees. I can feel the enormous pain I'm causing him. No. It's not I who's hurting him - it's she. Anyhow, I've got to stop it!
"No, Sha're. Fight it."
I am! I'm fighting it as hard as I can. You can't see my tears, can you? Only my soul cries…
/"Ammonet, you're going to pay for this! I don't know how, but I will stop you!" /
/"You cannot!" /
"My host cannot help you." My eyes are glowing again.
"Sha're…."
His life depends on me. He's beseeching me to help him, and I'll do whatever I can to do so. Oh, his eyes are showing all the pain my own hand is causing him! This does it! I have to do something. And suddenly…I feel a great strength coming from my heart. From my love for him. I can hear Ammonet screaming inside.
/"No! It cannot be! You cannot retake control over your body again! I control you! I'm your goddess! The host doesn't survive! You cannot be doing this!" /
Well, it seems I can. I'm…partially… me again. I can't move, I know she is still keeping me prisoner, but now I control the device. Can't stop it yet, but I can stop hurting him. I'm not producing any pain now.
A Jaffa enters. Luckily, it's Teal'c, Apophis' ex-first prime. He aims his weapon then looks at my Dan'iel, who slowly releases his sidearm. Teal'c is going to fire. I'm going to die. Dan'iel would hate the Jaffa for killing me. And he won't know where to find the boy. And he won't know how much have I loved him. I can't allow this to happen. I must…send my Dan'iel a message and tell him all this… somehow… But how…? There has to be a way. I know! The ribbon-device. Yes. It's working. I'm sending my message. The seconds become weeks and I can make him 'dream' what could happen after I'm killed.
He opens his gorgeous eyes. "Hear me, Dan'iel," I tell him. No words came out, but I'm sure he heard me, through the device. I continue to make him dream, but Ammonet is fighting me and for a moment, my image from his dream disappears. However, I don't stop, I mustn't allow her to take control over me again… I manage in continuing the 'vision' I'm giving him. "Hear me, Dan'iel." Please, husband, you have to forgive Teal'c! And you have to find the boy!
His vision goes on, but again, Ammonet is trying to stop me. "Hear me, Dan'iel." Now the imaginary scenario carries on again, and… again, it is interrupted. "Come to me, Dan'iel." Yes. He's 'dreaming' again. I have to make him realize what would happen if he stopped his journey through the Chappa'ai. I have to make him realize he should forgive Teal'c. It's not the Jaffa's fault if he kills me. I know he will do it, but it would be the best solution he could have taken. And I want my Dan'iel to realize he must find the boy.
Ammonet is trying to stop me again. Not this time! I will finish what I want to tell him. I have to…
In his dream, he just promised me to find the boy. I know he'll do his best.
There's not much time left… I have one more thing to explain before I die. So many words need to be said… But there is no time left… Teal'c will kill me, and I won't have the time to say all I have to say… But there has to be a way. I must find it before it's too late. This time, it really is over. I have to say goodbye. But I don't want to say goodbye. Not like this. And I don't want him to suffer from loosing me. I have to find a way… I have to help him, I have to ease his pain… And… yes, I know. I found the way. I know what to do, and I do it. In his vision, I kiss him, and use the time to download something else into his mind. At the right moment…
Ammonet is making my eyes glow for a last time. I see Dan'iel's sidearm tumbling to the floor. Teal'c raises his weapon. He fires. I'm knocked off my feet. My Dan'iel falls at my side. I feel Ammonet dying within me. I am finally free. For almost three years, I wanted to be free, to be myself again. Now the Goa'uld that possessed me died, and I'm finally free again. Yet, it's useless, because I'll die. I don't have much time left. I have to say the most important thing that needs to be said, and I say it:
"I love you, Dan'iel."
I close my eyes, but I'm not dead yet. I must hear his answer. Instead, I hear Teal'c voice:
"I am sorry, Daniel Jackson."
"You did the right thing, Teal'c."
Yes, my Dan'iel, he did the right thing. He made me free again. Try to forgive him! Please…
I hear somebody else coming in. A woman's voice says:
"Oh, God," and then a voice I recognize to be O'Neill's:
"Teal'c?"
The Jaffa answers: "Daniel Jackson will be fine," and than there's silence.
And… I can feel a soft touch on my face… And I know it's him, my beloved husband. He's the only one able to touch me like this, the only one able to make me feel what I'm feeling now, the only one to make my heart tremble with so much love… For the last time, he shows me he's here for me. He doesn't let me die alone… He's here… he loves me… I'm free… and still, it's in vain... Living my last second, I finally hear the four words I longed for, the four words I will take with me into eternity:
"I love you too."
Now I can go…
END OF PART TWO