PART THREE:
After Hope Has Died with Her
Tag to 'Forever in a Day'
NOTES: As usually, many, many thanks to Stonedtoad for the beta. Your help is grately appreciated:)
"I love you too."
Daniel's words kept floating in the air and in everyone's mind for several minutes of overwhelming silence. They were all staring at the lifeless body of the beautiful woman who used to be Daniel's main reason of going through the Stargate. Now his quest was over. However, life just couldn't stop in the inhospitable tent on that fatal planet.
Jack understood the measureless emptiness that was filling his friend's soul. He felt it too, the moment that doctor said that… his son had died. But this was different. Charlie's death had been something totally unexpected and, somehow, at least in the first few minutes, shock eclipsed pain. Part of his mind had been too busy trying to realize what the hell that man dressed in white was trying to say. His boy and death? An hour before Charlie had been the happiest boy in the world… But another part of him knew damn well what had happened, and started to suffer completely. This was different. Daniel knew the woman he loved could be lost forever any time. He knew that the hope of finding her was very fragile and could be gone anytime. Back at the beginnings of the SGC, when Jack would ask his friend, finding him deeply lost in thoughts, what had happened, Daniel used to avoid the question and bury himself in work again. Anyhow, one day, just after Kawalsky's death, Daniel answered and told him he was thinking of Sha're. Of what might have been happening to her right in that moment. 'What if she's dead by now or what if someone is killing her in this very moment?' had been the most usual words to be kept in his mind and to torture him every second. After the incident with her child's birth, his worries came back to him, this time more powerful. And right that morning, after they received the message from the Abydonians, Daniel had been extremely restless, and afraid something really bad would happen. As he always used to do, Jack had told him everything would be all right. And it wasn't. Hell, it wasn't! She was dead. And Daniel was already suffering deeply. For almost three years, he'd lived waiting for the right moment to find her, save her and taste happiness together with his wife again. In several minutes, he lost his dream. In several minutes, hope was dead. In several minutes, his world had turned upside down again… Now the still-collapsed-on-the-flour archaeologist was stubbornly watching his wife's gorgeous frozen features as if waiting for her to open her eyes and smile to him again. Unfortunately, this was something that wouldn't ever happen. Hope had died. And when hope is dead, there are no words of comfort any more. Time was the only thing to help healing for such a loss: resignation. When hope dies, only resignation can keep a man sane. And Jack liked to think that they'd be able to help him pass through this. But how the hell was he going to help Daniel?
In the same way, Sam was thinking of a method of easing Daniel's pain. If this had been a physics problem, she would have probably solved it by now. Unfortunately, it was something a lot more complicated. Still, she had to help her friend. But how? Oh, God, how! She knew she couldn't let him bury himself alive under a thick layer of unimaginable sorrow. Sha're had been very important to him, yes, but Daniel needed to live again, to restart his life. SG1 needed him. Earth needed him. The Universe needed him. Sam needed him. And she was determined to help him feel better.
She just couldn't imagine how the young archaeologist was feeling. He had witnessed the death of his beloved wife and, from Teal'c's look, she had been killed by the Jaffa. A good friend had killed his wife. A man Daniel trusted with his life, respected and almost thought to be family… had murdered the woman he loved. And also killed the only thing to keep him sane all this time: hope. God, it was terrible! Was Daniel ever going to be able to pass this too? He did suffer a lot in his life, but where was the limit beyond which this man couldn't take it any more? Sam remembered the incident with the Gamekeeper, remembered seeing Daniel watch his parents die right in front of him again and again. Another dark episode from his life… Yet, he could stay sane. Was that going to happen now?
She'd lost loved ones herself, but not like this. When her mother died in that damn car accident, she hadn't witnessed it. Plus, she could focus her pain on her father. But Daniel? God, it would be a hard job helping him…
Although Teal'c's face wasn't showing more than a deep regret and a profound sense of guiltiness, the Jaffa's soul wasn't that serene. He had just killed the wife of a man who had been his friend. Indeed, he had killed many people, both during his life in the service of Apophis, and since he had joined the people from Earth. Many of his innocent victims had been young and beautiful women, each of them being daughter, sister, lover, wife or mother to someone. But none of them had been the wife of a dear friend…
Teal'c would have been proud to die himself on condition that his life could have saved the woman that was now lying on the blooded floor. He was indeed sorry to end her life, yet he knew he had done the right thing. He had seen many people killed by a hand-device in a matter of instants. Had he hesitated for a moment, Daniel Jackson would have been dead by now.
However, his friend's eyes showed such a deep sorrow… a sorrow deeper than death itself. The man looked extremely… lost. Ever since he had said his last words, his fingers were unconsciously caressing Sha're's cheek, while his blue eyes, still dry, were fixed on her. Could that man ever forgive Teal'c for killing the most loved person in his life? Or for taking away his hope? Daniel Jackson was known to be a very kind man and he did have a great power of forgiveness… But how would he be able to forgive this time…?
For a second time, Teal'c was estranging Daniel Jackson from happiness, by killing the woman his friend loved. At that time, when the first prime of Apophis chose the gorgeous young woman to be the new host for Amaunet, he hadn't met her husband, nor met her. When they did meet, on Abydos, he had asked for her forgiveness, and she appeared to understand. Her husband also understood that Teal'c's choice had been a random one, and that he had just obeyed an order. Now was a different situation. He was deliberately sending to death a woman who had been the wife of a friend, of a brother at arms, a woman who for that man had meant more than life itself.
The Jaffa remembered the look on Daniel Jackson's face after returning from Abydos, the loss clearly visible on his features. Indeed, he cared greatly for his wife. He proved his love by his behaviour when they found Sha're pregnant with Apophis' son. The scholar had been extremely tender and understanding…
What about now? Was Daniel Jackson able to understand again? What was about to happen? Was there not some form of human ritual in which he might ask Daniel Jackson's forgiveness? Was his friend ever going to be fine? He said it himself, but was that the truth? And was the archaeologist going to forgive him? Teal'c was somehow surprised by the first words Daniel Jackson had said after Sha're's death. He knew he did the right thing, and he was sure that he would have done the same thing again. Yet, did Daniel really mean it? Was he truly thinking that Teal'c had done the right thing…?
"Come on, Danny." Jack's voice interrupted everyone's thoughts. "Let's go home. Do you think you can walk?" After all, their colleague had been held in the clutches of a ribbon device and, though he seemed to look fine physically (besides the burn on his forehead), he did need medical attention. The colonel held out his hand for Daniel to help the younger man rise. Both from the floor and from the misery his life had become. The archaeologist accepted it and rose. For the moment, just from the floor.
"Daniel," O'Neill repeated, seeing that his friend, now on his feet, was still absently looking down at Sha're's body.
"Yeah, Jack. Just… Oh, God! Jack, it's over…!" His voice sounded desperate, yet his eyes were still dry. Jack learned once more that the greatest pains needed time to unleash. Especially as Daniel was struggling hard not to cry…
Sam left the tent, making a small signal to Teal'c to follow her, which the Jaffa did. Now the men were alone, just the two of them and Sha're's… dead… body. Hope had left with her last breath…
"Let's go home now, please. We can deal there with all that's happened," the older man said in a very soft voice, careful not to hurt his friend any more with what he might say. Damn, it was hard to control the situation! "The Abydonians will be on Earth by now," he added, "and you are the only one able to speak with them and explain where they are and what's happening." Not that he cared about those people in that very second. No. All that mattered for him was Daniel and finding a way to help his friend. For his part, all the Abydonians in the Universe could go straight to hell, as long as Daniel was fine. But the linguist was far from being fine… Damn! "You know, they really need somebody to say it's OK and… you're that 'somebody', " he continued his pleading. Jack knew that by making Daniel think about other people's problems, the anthropologist could forget about his own sorrow for the moment. It worked several times… but this time the strategy wasn't going as expected…
" 'OK', Jack? 'OK'! You think this is 'OK'!" the archaeologist said, motioning towards Sha're's body. "Well it's not 'OK'! My wife…" He couldn't continue. He couldn't say it. He couldn't. He simply couldn't say she was dead. He didn't want to believe it was true.
Trying to banish these thoughts, he looked at his friend. Great! Now he made Jack feel bad too. It wasn't the colonel's fault that some words he spoke made Daniel angry…
"Jack, I-I-I… I'm sorry. Yeah, sorry. For saying this. It's just that…" His voice was cut off again. It was over. She was dead. Now he had nothing to live for any more. Nothing to hope for. But it couldn't be true! He wanted to pretend it was only another nightmare. Yep, just another tragic end imagined by his mind while he was sleeping. Nothing more, nothing less, than a nightmare. Just a nightmare… He kept repeating these words hoping they were true. But they weren't! This time, his nightmare was real. Too real… This was the tragic end of the story. Sha're's story. Their love's story. His hope's story.
"Oh, Jack… it's over! It's over…" he kept repeating, falling to his knees again and softly running his fingers over her dead face. "It's over…"
Though he was addressing the colonel, he seemed more to talk to himself. And he had such a grievous intonation that it broke Jack's heart. Daniel wasn't crying. He was fighting away tears with a typical stubbornness. Probably the scientist didn't want to cry in front of him, O'Neill thought. Yeah, Danny-boy was in a terrible situation, yet his dignity was intact. Damn! He really had to do something to help his friend…
"Daniel. Please. Let's go home now," Jack said after a brief moment of silence, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder and assuring him he was there and was determined to help. "You don't want to talk to Kasuf and the others, fine. No one will force you to," he added, "But we have to go now. You can't just stay here for the rest of your life, you know…"
"Wish I could…" he murmured, while his CO was calling Carter through the radio. He wasn't listening to what they were saying. He didn't want to. He didn't want to do anything. He didn't want to live… And how could he live without her? Being honest, Daniel admitted to himself he'd lived without her for the past three years… but he had the hope of finding her and it kept him alive. Now that was gone too…
Suddenly, he felt Sam's hand on his shoulder. Was she saying something to him?
"Were you saying something?"
"Just that we should go now. Please."
"No. I-I-I'm not leaving her… Not again, and not like this…" he said quietly.
"Daniel, please go home. You're tired and you need to be checked out by Janet. So go with Sam. Don't worry, I won't leave her here. Please. I'm gonna carry her to the gate myself, I promise." Promises. Jack had made one a long time ago: to help Daniel find his wife and bring her home. Now he was fulfilling it, but not in the way he thought. His friend was looking at him silently, a deep sorrow visible on his tired eyes. Probably he was thinking the same thing, Jack believed…
Daniel caressed his wife's face once more and then, turning towards his friends, he nodded, for the first time, taking his eyes off Sha're. This time, he also moved, rising and exiting the tent he would hate for the rest of his life. Outside it was a beautiful day, with an enormous sun shining happily upon his miserable life. The world was simply carrying on, while his wife was lying dead in that damn tent!
"It's not fair, Sam. It's just not fair…"
"I know, Daniel, it never is. I'm sorry."
Then silence. Heavy, overwhelming silence again. Daniel seemed to be determined to traverse the miles they had to the Stargate in silence, just with his thoughts and Sam decided to respect his choice.
But Sam was wrong. Daniel didn't want to think. At that moment, thinking was the worst thing to be done. He knew it. Thus, he tried hard to concentrate on marching through the desert… Desert. Abydos. Sha're. Dead. Oh, God…
He shook his head, trying to get these things out of his mind. He watched his feet, struggling to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot… It was simple. Yep, walking was a simple thing. He liked walking. Well, he didn't exactly like his shoes to be filled with sand but… Sand. Abydos. Sha're. Dead. Oh, God…
It surely was a lot more difficult not to think about what had happened, than to allow pain to win over him. He had the option of surrendering, but he didn't want to take it yet. He knew there would be a time when he will have no choice but face the situation as it was. But in that moment, he mustn't think of it. If he thought about what happened, if he thought about her death, he would surely loose his mind. He would think about it all the next day. Yes. Tomorrow, not now. Tomorrow his mind would be clear and than he'll be able to think well. He mustn't think about it now, he mustn't, he mustn't…
Daniel kept paraphrasing Scarlett O'Hara's mantra, but the effect was not the one expected. The words themselves reminded him of a night he had spent with his wife, at their home, narrating the subject of 'Gone by the Wind' to her. She'd asked him to tell a story, and, without knowing why, he chose this novel… Before his mind could relive the moments of her death, he lifted his eyes and endeavoured to find something else to focus on. Only than did he realize Jack and Teal'c weren't with them.
"Um… Sam…?"
"Yeah." She stopped and looked at him.
"Where are the others?"
"Well… They'll come too, after they finished with…"
'…the dead,' he continued in his mind. Oh, God!
Sam watched her friend; it was clear he understood what the rest of the incomplete sentence was. She instantly felt sorry for saying it and opened her mouth to tell him something, anything… but Daniel stopped her with a gesture. Since he didn't want any words of comfort for the moment, she nodded and continued to walk.
By the time they reached the Stargate, grief, hopelessness had won over Daniel, and the archaeologist's mind was full of fragments of thoughts, rhetoric questions, and unfinished ideas. It was all a mess, a mixture of loss, despair, helplessness, anger, and pain. Lots of pain. It was over. How could this be happening? Why? She was gone. It was over. Dead. Unfair. Over. Pain. Suffering. Loss. He still loved her. Gone. He hated the Goa'uld. Over. God! She would never be by his side again. He mustn't think of it right in that moment. It was over. There was no hope. Unfair. Pain. Why?
"Why…?" he murmured quietly, not completely aware of the fact that he said it aloud.
Sam sighed and patted him gently on his arm before going to the DHD to dial home. When the wormhole formed, she sent the GDO and returned to where her friend was standing, absently looking at the 'gate.
"Come on, Daniel, we're going home now."
Guided by his teammate, he climbed the platform and stopped in front of the event horizon. The beautiful blue, water-like effect was waving like any time he'd stepped through it. The only difference was that now he wasn't hoping he would find her… With a visible effort to keep away tears, he let his body fall into the wormhole. He left his hope in the tent of her death.
Reaching the other side, Daniel was surprised to see General Hammond in person standing at the base of the ramp. Did he know? Probably yes, since, during his discussion with Jack, Sam and Teal'c could have gone and report everything…
"Welcome home, people. Doctor Jackson, on behalf on this facility and myself, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences…"
"Thank you, sir."
"Major Carter, report in an hour. Doctor Jackson, they're waiting for you in the infirmary…"
Before Daniel could reply, the doors opened and Janet, followed by a couple of nurses, entered the Embarkation Room.
"Come on, Daniel, I have to check you up. I heard something about a ribbon device…?"
Hammond watched as the newly widower headed towards the infirmary. From what he was told by Major Carter half an hour ago, Sha're, Doctor Jackson's wife, had been killed by Teal'c in order to save his life. It seemed it would be a very long briefing… A briefing Doctor Jackson wouldn't be taking part at, due to his medical and emotional condition. George understood what Daniel was feeling. When his own wife died, he felt the same. And now he hoped to God that the archaeologist would find enough strength within him to get past this too. If needed, the general could talk to the younger man, let him know they all would be there for him. They needed him at SGC and if he quit, everyone would miss him. The facility wouldn't be the same without him…
In the infirmary, Janet was astonished by the fact that, despite having been caught in a hand-device, Daniel seemed to be physically all right. He had a headache, and a nasty burn on his forehead, but his brain wasn't damaged as she expected. She didn't know what to think about whether his explanations were true or not. After all, her patient was having a great emotional problem… Yep, they'll have to deal with that too… In the worst case, she was even determined to recommend a visit to a psychologist… anything that could help him… But later. Now her patient needed rest. Even induced rest…
However, she had to talk to Sam and ask for her opinion on this topic. If ribbon devices were controlled by thought, as they supposed much of the Goa'uld technology was, it would be logically one could be able of sending a message through it… Later. Now she had to help Daniel.
"Doctor Jackson, if you don't mind, I'd like you to take this sleeping pill."
"OK," he said while taking the medicine from her hand. A deep sleep could keep the unwanted nightmares away for a little… If only he could sleep forever, not needing to come back to the cruel reality…
"Daniel...?"
"Yeah, Janet," he muffled, the tablet starting to have effect.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry…."
Daniel nodded, barely hearing her. His view had become increasingly unclear. He felt so numb… so sleepy… The room soon disappeared and pitch darkness surrounded him as he slowly dived in a deep, artificial slumber.
END OF PART THREE