PART FIVE:
Immortal Love
NOTES: This fanfiction includes lyrics from the beautiful song 'My Immortal' by Evanescence. I do not own it, only use it for background music and no copyright infringement is intended in any way.
I strongly recommend listening to the song while reading. I'm aware that this melody might not have been composed at the time 'Forever in a Day' takes place. Moreover, I know that no radio station aired it in 1999, when I suppose the events in this episode happen. However, since 'My Immortal' was the only song to provide me with exactly the same emotion 'Forever in a Day' did, I've taken the liberty of using these lyrics, risking to be accused of defying logic and chronology. I'm sorry I had to do this, and if you can't accept it, please think of this fic as kind of AU.
Also, Sha're's words from 'Forever in a Day' and Daniel's words from 'Secrets' are written in italics.
Many thanks to my wonderful friend Stonedtoad for the beta!
Daniel wanted to get home as fast as possible. He couldn't take it any more. He wanted to sit in his apartment, alone, and be able to cry and mourn without fearing somebody could see him. He just wanted to feel sorry for himself and for his miserable life. But at the moment he had to be strong, to stubbornly fight away the tears which were demanding their rights, and show an impassable face while his soul was tormented by sorrow and loss.
How could he pretend he was feeling all right, when she was gone? Sha're, his wife, his love, his life, his sweet Sha're… was gone forever. Dead. She was gone and it was entirely his fault. And now he could do nothing. Damn, damn, damn!
Again, he wanted to forget his pain for a second and tried to focus on something else. But what could he concentrate on when everything was reminding him of her? When he closed his eyes, her beautiful face was the only thing he could see. When he looked around, everything seemed to turn into her. He could see her delicate features everywhere he looked… But the worst thing was that he couldn't remember their pleasant moments, or see her in all her grace and beauty. Instead, he saw her sad, helplessly looking at him as she was falling down, hit by the staff weapon. The memory of the soft look her gorgeous eyes had when she was watching him with so much love was replaced by the repeated image of her eyes closing with death. From all the times she confessed her love for him, only the last one had stayed in his mind, her simple words of love- it had been the very last time he would hear her voice. More than ever, his senses were filled by her perfume and the taste of her kisses was lingering in his mouth. He could feel her tender caress when the bitter autumn wind was touching him and the weak warmth of the setting sun was becoming her warmth. He could feel her with all his body, both in his heart and everywhere around.
Strangly enough, he felt that in that moment he loved her more than ever, more than he could imagine he could love her. She was in his mind, in his soul, in his blood. Her presence was contaminating everything like a sweet poison and… he couldn't take it any more. It was driving him crazy…
"Sir? Are you ready?"
At first, Daniel didn't understand he was the one addressed to, so he ignored the voice.
"Dr. Jackson?" the young driver repeated, a little scared by the blank stare in the other man's eyes.
"What?"
"Ready to go, Sir?"
"Ah, yes. Yes. Of course. Let's go."
Absently, the archaeologist got in, sitting on the back seat of the black military car. This way it would be more difficult for the driver to watch him if something happened and he couldn't control his emotions any more… Finally, they set off.
Although the way from Cheyenne Mountain to Colorado Springs wasn't that long, this time, it seemed an eternity to Daniel. The car was creeping just like a snail on the empty road, while he was turning mad trying in vain to resist the pain in his heart. As an ultimate attempt to postpone the ordeal of admitting the truth that it was all over, he was endeavouring to watch the colourful autumn leaves as they were struggling on the grey road. But their sorrow melted into his sorrow. Autumn was killing fallen leaves and her loss was killing his soul…
"Sir?"
The driver's voice interrupted his thoughts and brought him back to reality.
"Mind if I turn on the radio?"
"No. Some music would be great."
'Great'? Daniel was starting to wonder what on earth (or in the Universe) could still be great after her death, when the music filled the car and his empty soul with a bittersweet melancholy. He hasn't ever heard the song, but from the first sound, he felt he recognized it. It felt so well known that it was weird…
Accompanied by a soft piano and some other instruments, a woman with a deep and extremely gentle voice was continuing what Daniel thought to be the first stanza.
… And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave,
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone.
Daniel didn't have the time to be surprised by the resemblance between the lyrics and his thoughts. The song went on, expressing his own feelings in words and music.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real,
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
But that wasn't all. His entire suffering was metaphorically represented in the text of this song. All the pain and loss sensation he felt was mirrored by that sweet voice that could find words to express exactly what was in his heart.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have all of me.
And it wasn't only the text. The melody itself seemed to be part of Daniel's soul. He felt that his blood was running in its rhythm, that his heartbeat and breathing were synchronizing with this song…
And than followed the second stanza, its lyrics were making the similitude between his situation and the song deeper and deeper.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me.
God! It was all there, in those words and in that melody. All he felt was there. Pain, incredible pain. Loss, irretrievable loss. Frustration, guilt, helplessness. And love, tremendous love, impossible love.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
Again, he couldn't take it any more.
This pain is just too real,
It was simply too much…
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
He felt like he was hypnotized by that soft voice that knew all he was feeling, telling his all pain with her song. A beautiful and tormenting song. The comfort was turning into an ordeal…
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
He felt a knot in his throat. The back of his nose was tickled by something… and suddenly… suddenly… salty, warm tears were formed in his eyes.
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
He furiously wiped them away. He couldn't give up now. He fought tears all this long, and now a… a simple song was doing this to him…
And I held your hand through all of these years,
But it wasn't a simple song. No, definitely not. It was his pain focused in an infernally beautiful song.
But you still have all of me.
He couldn't take it any more.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,
No, no, no! Nooooo! It was killing him. He couldn't take it any more…
"Stop it! Make it shut up! Turn it off!"
But though you're still with--
"Sir…? You ok?" the young driver asked, shocked by the archaeologist's unexpected reaction. Dr. Jackson hadn't said a word all the way, and now he was suddenly yelling at him to turn off the radio…
"Thank you. I'm sorry for… You know, I… Never mind."
Worried, the man looked in the mirror and didn't like what he saw. The scientist was staring over the window again. Not knowing what to think about it, he sighed and continued to drive in silence…
When they were at last in front of Daniel's apartment building, the car stopped. But the man didn't seem to notice he was home. His eyes, extremely brilliant with tears, were fixed on a point on the sky, and he was the only one to see her image there. Smiling a sorrowful smile, Sha're was tenderly looking at her husband, while she was murmuring the same lyrics that had driven him mad…
Realizing he was getting nuts, Daniel shook his head violently and told himself he was hallucinating. After all, it could be an after effect of the ribbon-device…
"Dr. Jackson, we're here. Is there where you live, right?"
The other man brought him to reality again. He was home. He only had to take some steps and the elevator and he would he in his bedroom… Finally…
"Umm… yeah. Ah. Sorry. Err…" were the only things he managed to say while he was getting out of the car.
"Sir, are you all right?"
"I'll be fine, thanks."
"Are you sure you don't need help… or anything, Sir?"
"It's fine. Thank you. I'll be all right," the linguist said, asking himself whether he was lying or he really was going to be all right… eventually.
"If you say so, Sir… Goodbye, doctor, and… try to rest…" the driver advised him and left, taking the car back to the SGC.
'Poor guy,' the soldier thought 'he really needs some time off… Wonder what happened to him… He looked so normal until this morning…'
Meanwhile, Daniel had entered his apartment building and was cursing the elevator for not coming in due time. He felt that now he couldn't fight away tears any more. They were too strong. He had to get home as fast as possible. And the damn elevator wasn't coming…
When in the end it came, the man entered and was pleased to notice he was alone. Good. He pressed the button to the eighth floor and waited to reach his home. But it was moving so slowly…
Again and again, Daniel's mind was tormented. This time it wasn't just Sha're's memory, or just the song. This time, it a mixture of these.
…Your presence still lingers here…
She was looking at him. So sad…
…Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams…
"I love you Dan'iel…."
…Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me…
God, it hurt!
…This pain is just too real…
Will he ever be 'fine' again?
…These wounds won't seem to heal…
Will he ever be able to forget?
…There's just too much that time cannot erase…
But he didn't want to forget.
…I'm bound by the life you left behind…
He still loved her. Always will.
…You still have all of me…
But it hurt. Memories hurt.
…Wish that you would just leave…
And she was there. He could feel her…
…It won't leave me alone…
But it couldn't be. She was dead.
…I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone…
God! Gone! Dead! Forever. It was all over. He lost her. And it hurt. God, how it hurt! She was gone… His sweet Sha're was gone…
In that moment, the elevator's doors opened. A few more steps and he would be home. Daniel didn't stop to think that no house in the world could be called 'home' for him without Sha're. He banished the thought, for it was too painful in itself. Instead, he concentrated in finding his keys. Managing in doing it, he opened the door and there he was. Home. At last.
Getting in, he closed the door again and locked it. He really didn't want company…
He hurried towards his bedroom, but stopped in front of the closed door. This was real. He couldn't possibly…
He nodded and abruptly opened the door. He didn't find himself on the planet where Amaunet tried to kill him, as he was afraid he would. No. This wasn't a dream. He was just in his bedroom. A huge double bed was waiting for him as usually. Of course, when he moved in he had the hope of finding her… of saving her… they would need a double bed…
And now… it was over. She won't be sleeping in that bed. He won't wake up to find her beside him. He won't hold her or sleep having her in his arms. He won't be getting good night kisses from her. He won't watch her sleeping, won't hear her calm breathing, and won't see a sweet smile on her dreaming face… Won't ever caress her soft body, won't hear her gentle voice whispering love into his ear, won't breath her aroma, won't taste her lips… He won't have her again, won't ever give himself to her… Never, never again. He won't ever be able to 'spoil' her a little: no breakfast in bed, no massage, not even a pillow fight…
Heavily, his fist hit the wall. He slammed the door with anger and then turned around to face the bed once more.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real,
There's just too much that time cannot erase.
Again, tears were formed in his bright blue eyes. Big, hot, bitter tears. But this time he wasn't fighting them away. He wasn't resisting. He finally allowed them to fall down.
Slowly at first, then violently, his tears fell and fell and fell. He crumbled to his knees and, leaning against the bed that he won't ever share with the only woman he loved, he wept like a baby. Bursts of tears were shaking his weakened body. He was trembling with tiredness, trembling with fury, trembling with pain. Tear after tear, his suffering was being washed away little by little. But the suffering was enormous. And the suffering was more powerful than his tears were. So a large part of it remained, torturing his soul further on.
He was crying. Crying for her death, her loss, her tragic end. Crying his pain, his despair, his hopeless future. Crying for the wrong turn things had taken. Crying for the hopes that had become vanities. Crying for the fallen leaves of his soul. Crying for their love, for their great love, for their death love.
But that wasn't true.
"I love you, Dan'iel," he heard again in his heart, re-seeing her closing eyes.
Their love wasn't dead.
"I love you. I will always love you. You understand? The Goa'uld will never be able to take that away from us. Do you understand me? Never."
He said it himself. He told her that when her child was born. She believed him. He believed what he was saying. It was the truth. No one could steal their love. Not even the Goa'uld, not even a staff blast. Not even death.
No, death could steal her from him; death could steal his sanity, his desire to live, even his hope, but not their love. Their love was more powerful then death. Their love was beyond death. Their love was immortal.
Bitterly smiling to this thought and to her memory, Daniel stood up. His tears were continuously falling down, this time calmly. He looked over the window and saw a wide, dark sky, with a handful of stars scattered on it. He must have been crying for a long time now, since it was night.
He felt so sleepy… so weak… so tired…
He sighed hardly and ran a hand over his wet eyes. He got into the bad and sadly smiled again. Yes, she was… gone. But he still had something to hold on to. He still had their love. The eternal love that had united them and that was still uniting them, beyond death. Their immortal love.
And while sleep was slowly embracing him, Daniel heard her voice again. He heard it in his heart, in the place where she would linger forever.
"That's right, my Dan'iel. I'm here. My spirit lives through you and through the love that you still have for me. And our love… is immortal."
END OF PART FIVE
This was my first song fic, but there will probably be more. I love feedback of any kind, so if you read this, please take a moment to leave a review. Thanks!