Author's notes: Ok, this is not the entire chapter... This part was outrageously long, so my lovely beta Stonedtoad (many many many thanks for having the patience to read all this stuff! hugs) sugggested to split it, which I did. So here we go, part 7.1 :))
Hope someone enjoys this. And don't forget that feedback is always welcomed!
PART SEVEN:
NEVERMORE
Motto: "Nessun maggior dolore che ricordarsi del tempo felice nella miseria."
"No greater sorrow than to recall in our misery a time when we were happy."
(Dante Alighieri)
NOTE: "/\/\/\/\/\/\ " denotes flashbacks. Please imagine that all the dialogues that Daniel remembers are in Abydonian.
He looked around again, wanting to be sure where he actually was. This time it was not a dream. It was real. He was just sitting on his own bed, in his own apartment in Colorado Springs. No fairytale-like forest, no western ranch, no neoclassical dance hall, no fancy Parisian restaurant, no cave, no Abydonian dunes, no deserted beach, no 'Arabian Nights' décor, no snowy park… and, thank God, no white empty room. No. Just his own bedroom. And loneliness, and a huge pain.
It was over. She was gone, and he had just woken up from the most beautiful dream he ever experienced. Daniel smiled, remembering the wonderful landscapes, the interesting situations and, most importantly, remembering having her with him again, being able to hold her and feel her by his side. It hadn't been real; yet he had been able to see her again and… said goodbye. Ok, not 'goodbye': 'au revoir'. It sounded more… hopeful.
With a sigh, he looked for his glasses and, finding them, he put them on. Sha're had given him a dream as a farewell gift. And, in this vision, she showed him her love and let him live some more pleasant moments with her. But the most important thing, he realized, was the fact that she gave him comfort and confidence. He needed to live his life, she had said, and needed to continue his travels. And he would do that. He was determined to find her child and Skaara, to fight against the Goa'uld and make discoveries for the sake of the Universe. But not in that very moment. He needed to take that day off. He needed to mourn her death.
Ignoring the severe headache, which he had felt since waking up, he stood and saw that the pillow was still wet with tears. He remembered the way he cried the night before and bitterly smiled again. Only once before in his life had he wept like that. His wife had been the one to comfort him in both cases. The first time, the two of them were in the middle of the Abydonian desert, stargazing, and she had asked him about his parents. He had never talked to anyone before about that tragic episode of his life and, if it hadn't been for the Gamekeeper incident, his friends wouldn't have known either. But Sha're… She was so special, in the way that she always listened to him and was always there when he needed her. At their first wedding night, she had listened to him almost the entire night. She was the first one to listen to his theories and not think he was mad. The fact that she understood him and seemed so interested in his ideas had been one of the most important reasons for falling in love with her. And he felt he could trust her and could tell her the most awful secret hidden in his soul. For the first time in his life, he spoke about his parents' death. He told her absolutely everything, every detail, every feeling he had felt back then. He also spoke about his grandfather's rejection, about the unaccountable feeling of guiltiness, about loss, loneliness, about orphanages, foster homes, lack of friends, and again, loneliness. Narrating the terrible event, his eyes had been filled with tears, and he had shortly started to cry violently in her arms… Now, he could remember the pain and complete devotion in her wet eyes, as she was gently holding him and rocking back and forth in order to calm him down. The suffering he had kept locked inside for more then twenty years had suddenly unfolded in a weeping that broke the young woman's heart. Sha're had cried with him for hours, trying to make him feel better although her own pain was huge. And in the end, her constant caressing and assurance that she was with him and it would be all right managed in comforting him. Her love and tenderness made him feel better.
And this time… Sha're sent him a comforting gift to help him pass through the pain her own death had caused him… She knew him so well that she foresaw the feelings he would feel after her loss. She knew she was going to die, but she first though of others: Teal'c, her son, and, of course, Daniel. He smiled, remembering her selflessness and kindness. Just other two features in her long list of qualities…
Daniel sighed again, as his memories took him back in time…
/\/\/\/\/\/\
"My Dan'iel, we cannot leave it here. We have to help it."
The man seemed a little confused, looking from his wife to the small creature… and from the injured being back to his wife. They were walking home after a hard day of translating the symbols from the map room, when she found the weak animal in the middle of the desert. Sha're had knelt down in the sand in front of it, and she saw one of the strange bird's wings had a bad wound on it.
"Ok, we'll do what we can," he said after a few more moments, while she was lifting the animal and softly caressing its head. "I bet the little fellow is really dehydrated. Here. I think it will help," he continued, revealing the huge water container they always carried with them in their trips to the caverns.
"Thank you," his wife said, taking the water he offered and trying to make the bird drink some. When at last she succeeded, the animal seemed to feel much better. The refreshment gave it energy and made it struggle in Sha're's hands.
"Shh, 'little fellow', it's going to be all right. Stay calm and I will try to heal your wing," she told the scared bird, and, amazingly, it slowly gave up fighting and settled better in her arms."
"Wow! How did you do that?" Daniel asked puzzled.
She smiled, not knowing what to say in return. Instead, she gave him a look as she pleaded: "Please, husband, let me take it back home with us. I promise I will make sure it does not make any trouble…"
"Of, course, love. We'll take care of the bird together. Ok?"
She nodded joyfully before giving him a brief kiss, and then they continued their way home.
/\/\/\/\/\/\
Later, as Daniel remembered, Sha're had managed in healing the bird's wounded wing, and, when it was finally able to fly again, they released it. It was a great feeling to know that a life, no matter how insignificant, was saved because of you. The moment he had seen the bird ascend in the clear blue skies, he knew that Sha're's decision to help the almost dying animal was a right one. She used to love life in all its forms. He was sure that, if they had… rescued her and… brought her to Earth, she would have been fascinated by his fishes, by the pigeons, squirrels and raccoons that lives in the town… But… he couldn't save her…! She was gone forever, just like the bird, which had flown away and never came back…
Seeing things from a different perspective, Daniel realized that Teal'c's act might have been a good one after all. The Jaffa didn't have any other choice but to fire upon her, he could understand that, and, although it hurt like hell, he was beginning to see that, by… killing her, he also made her free again. Sha're must have suffered greatly while being a host to Amaunet, and her ordeal was finally over. Maybe she was happier, wherever she was…
Then he started thinking what a selfish bastard he was for thinking only about his pain. Kasuf was probably hurting as much as he was; after all the man lost his only daughter… And, of course, the SGC lost precious personnel in the battle for freeing the Abydonians. And there were the dozens of people, both Abydonians and Amaunet's Jaffa. All of them had died the same day, and many people had lost dear ones too. However… The only death that counted for him was his wife's death. She was lost. And he had to learn to leave without the hope of finding her…
Not allowing any other though to pass through his mind, Daniel finally left his bed and went to the bathroom. After taking a quick shower and shaving, he looked almost normal. Only the small healing burn from the ribbon-device, and the pain in his eyes, revealed that this man had recently endured a tragic loss.
As his mind was sorry that she couldn't benefit from all the advantages of modern life, he got to the closet and took out the same beige sweater he was wearing in his first vision. It was the perfect choice. Usually, on Earth, black was the colour for mourning. But he wasn't grieving the death of somebody from Earth. On Abydos, almost any cloths were light brown, dark yellow, or beige. And since he was the widower of an Abydonian woman…
Widower. He stopped in the middle of the room, the beige sweater in his hand. Yes. That's what he was. A widower. A man whose wife had died. But the word hurt so much…
He simply pulled the soft, worm sweater on, and moved again, this time to the kitchen. He started the coffee maker and prepared himself for opening the fridge in the hope of finding something nearly eatable. The door rang and made him postpone his searches.
"Pizza delivery," the girl at the door said.
"What…?"
"You ordered a pizza ten minutes ago."
"No I didn't."
"You didn't…? Sir, are you not Jack… O'Neill…?"
"No, he's a friend of mine…" Daniel said half smiling, starting to understand.
"Well, he ordered a classical pizza with double ketchup and no onion, he paid for it, and gave us this address…."
"It's ok. My friend… wants to be sure I'm eating properly…"
The girl didn't seem to understand, but took the tip anyway and left.
Yep, his friends sure had their ways of making sure he was as well as possible, he thought while returning to the kitchen, filling his coffee mug and taking the pill Janet had given him. His headache was less powerful now, but he wanted to get rid of it completely… Unfortunately, the pain in his heart was something that wouldn't give up too easy. Probably at all…
Daniel took a slice of still warm pizza, realizing he hadn't eaten for almost twenty-four hours and his stomach really needed food. Though he didn't felt like eating, he took a mouthful of his favourite pizza and decided it was nice enough…
/\/\/\/\/\/\
Sha're half-opened her eyes sleepily and saw that her husband wasn't besides her in bed. She lifted herself in a sitting position and look around the tent. Daniel was nowhere to be seen, but a delicious smell of fresh food was coming from the part of their house he had called 'kitchen'. Soon, the man appeared from behind a curtain, a plate in his hand.
"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Happy birthday!"
She was so puzzled that she couldn't say anything, as her husband smiled at her lovingly and briefly kissed her before placing the breakfast in her lap.
"Bon appétit," he added, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"My Dan'iel, this is… this is… incredible! How did you know…?"
"Skaara told me about your birthday a month ago…."
"And you… cooked… again." She still wasn't letting him help her at some domestic chores, but the idea of her husband preparing something to eat wasn't scaring her that much any more. She had been shocked the first time he had cooked dinner, but she had to admit his food was eatable. And this breakfast was simply great…
"Are you not eating with me?" she asked gently.
"No, love, I just finished two minutes ago. So… what are you planning for today?"
"Nothing unusual. Why?"
"Because I thought we could spend this special day in a special manner." At her curious look in her widened eyes, he smiled and quickly continued: "But I can't tell you anything else for now. It's a surprise."
"Fine. I will not ask, then. The meal was great."
Daniel leaned over her and lightly kissed her forehead, then he took the empty plate away.
"I love you, Sha're."
"I love you too. And… Dan'iel… who is Sleeping Beauty?"
He laughed softly as he answered: "I'll tell you the story later, ok?"
His wife smiled, giving him a deep kiss.
/\/\/\/\/\/\
Daniel sighed, thinking that now he couldn't hope for another breakfast with his wife. She was gone. And it was his entire fault…
A noise interrupted his thoughts, and he answered the phone.
// "Hey, Daniel, how are you feeling?" //
"Hi, Jack. Thanks for the food."
// "Just wanted to make sure you eat. So, want me to come around?" //
"No, thanks, I think I can manage…" Could he? Could he go on with his life just like that? His voice was weak and it made Jack want to jump in a car and race to his friend's apartment.
// "You sure you're ok?" //
"No, but… I will be," he said, the same words he had spoken a year before when he lost her again after the birth of her child. "I think…" he added softly.
// "Take care, Danny. And if you need anything—" //
"… I'll call you. I know…"
// "Ok." //
"Jack?"
// "Yeah." //
"How's Kasuf?" The colonel was expecting the question. Daniel was such a good and caring person that, even in a situation like this, he wanted to help the others.
// "Grieving, but trying to cope." //
Daniel sighed. His father in law had always been a strong man, or so Sha're used to say… She had told Daniel that the only time she remembered her father crying was when her mother died. She had been a little girl then, but the image of her father with tears in his eyes had haunted her for a long time.
// "Daniel? You still there?" //
"Yes. Thanks again, Jack. And don't worry, I will be fine… eventually…"
This words couldn't make the other man feel any more confident in the way Daniel was… recovering. But he knew they had to give him space… for a while. Then he would be there for his friend, giving him the much-needed comfort.
// "Ok, Danny. See you tomorrow, then?" //
"Yeah, think so. Bye."
The moment he put the receiver down, Daniel felt a little better. He was not alone, he had friends who cared about him, as Sha're said… Still, this wasn't making the pain of losing her any more bearable…
And Kasuf… The poor man was in an even worst situation than he was. Not only did he loose his daughter, but he was also on a strange planet, surrounded by unknown people (except Jack), having to stay strong for the other Abydonians and to be the same respected leader he always been. Daniel knew that the next day he would have to go to the facility and talk to his father-in-law. And there was the funeral they had to arrange…
Funeral. Sha're's funeral.
Again, tears formed in his eyes.
It couldn't be – Sha're's funeral… No, such words mustn't have ever been spoken. His wife was… had been… such a beautiful, smart, lively young woman… And now… She was dead… And he had to go to her funeral…
He had seen it all in the vision she had given him. He had lived it. He had seen the boundless dessert, where his love and all his hopes had grown, now turned into the place to literally swallow his love… and all his hopes… He had looked up to the clear skies, only to feel that the sensation of freedom and peace their blue horizon used to give him was now weighting like an overwhelming burden of sorrow over his torn heart. He had felt the bright sun warming him again, but this time it didn't feel like the caress of a friend, but the rough hit of an enemy. He had heard the wind blowing over the dunes, but now it didn't sound like a sweet lullaby any more – now it was a funeral song played for his wife, for his love… and for his soul. The entire place he had loved so much seemed now inhospitable and worthy of hatred.
With her, the desert had never been a dead place. It had been full of life, just like her. But now, with her death, it was dead too. Without her, the desert seemed even more deserted…
His head was full of images of her in the middle of the Abydonian sands. Walking with him and showing him all the small traces of fauna and vegetations, small wonders that would have remained hidden from his eyes… And her dead body lying in the opened tomb... Dancing only for him in the pale light of the three moons… And the sand falling slowly over her corpse… Her, smiling as the wind blew through her hair… And him, sighting as the same wind threw sand in his tearful eyes…
It was all in his mind, a mixture of pleasant memories of their time together and painful scenes from his strange 'dream'. He'd lived her funeral once, but he will have to do it again. This time for real. It hurt more than words could describe, but he had to be strong…
Strong, yes. For her. To honour her for a last time in the ceremony. She had always been a strong and determined person, and this was a truth he had found out very early…
So, if you read to this point, how about a review:D Thanks!