As promised, here's part 7.3 (the last one of this chapter). Many thanks to Stonedtoad for the beta and advice!
Of course the poetry included here is not mine, I only borrowed some lines to have Daniel read them and make him suffer even more. Bad, bad author:))
Thanks for bearing with me and hope you enjoy.
Daniel blinked, taking his eyes off the old couple. Hopes. Happiness. A life together to be lived happily ever after. Wishes. All these were merely words for him now… The legend of Philemon and his long loved wife Baucis had always been one of his favourites, and the night he told it to Sha're was a wonderful memory. Memories, yeah. That was all he had left. Because his wish from that night hadn't come true. He was alone now, condemned to suffer from the death of his wife…
If only he could have died too, in that very second she closed her eyes for the last time… Not that a part of his soul hadn't… But life had to go on, he knew that. No matter how much it hurt…
He kept going and headed for the park. He knew that there he could find a peaceful and quiet place to just sit and think. And he found what he was seeking. A bench under an old tree, its leaves a symphony of colours, from green to golden and dark red.
For some moments there was no one around, and the only thing he could hear was the whispering of the wind. But then there came a young mother, carrying her baby.
Babies.
/\/\/\/\/\/\
Sha're entered their home exhausted and was surprised to see her husband jumping from the floor, where he was writing in his journal, and come to her in a hurry.
"What is it?"
She had just returned from the house of one of her closest friends, who had just became a mother for the first time.
"It's a boy. She's very lucky to have been able to give her husband a little boy as the first born."
Daniel sensed the hue of sadness in her voice and knew what was she referring at, but decided to chance the course of the discussion for the moment.
"What? But Skaara is younger than you and I don't think your father has a problem with that."
"For him it wasn't, but for some men, it is. Isn't it the custom on Earth to—"
She stopped, not believing her eyes. She had headed for the kitchen to try and cook something very fast (she knew she had neglected her duties that day, but she just had to be there for her friend…) when she saw… a plate of food still steaming near the fire.
"How... what… what happened?" she managed to murmur, pointing to the fresh, deliciously smelling food.
"I imagined you're going to be late, so I… well, tried my skills in Abydonian cuisine…"
"But Dan'iel, husbands don't cook. It's one of the biggest shames for a man to do women's choirs. You can't--"
"Well, than nobody will found out. But I thought a disgraced husband was better than starving…"
"Oh, my Dan'iel, I'm really sorry I wasn't here this whole day, but…"
"I understand. Your friend needed you. Are you going to try my experiment or not?"
"Well… let's see." She tasted the food and then looked at him smiling and trying to be critical. "It sure needs more salt. And the balance between the ingredients is not even. Plus, you seem to have boiled it more than needed."
"Hmm?"
When she laughed out loud, he realised she was joking.
"No, Dan'iel, it's perfect. You're amazing. I never knew you could cook…"
"I lived a long time by my self, love. I had to learn how to take care of myself. But luckily, I'm not alone any more. I have a family now."
"And speaking of family…" she said uncertainly, finishing her dinner and looking at him, "Aren't you a little worried? We have been married for two seasons now and… nothing. I carry no child."
The deep sorrow in her voice was almost palpable. Daniel understood her desire of being a mother and, though he couldn't believe it, he, too, wanted to have children. That way, their life would have been complete.
"But, Sha're, there's plenty of time. We can't lose hope."
"I know. Maybe one day I'll be able to give you a successor."
"Yes, I want a little girl just like you." He said, coming closer and taking her face in his hands. "To have your smile, your hair, your eyes--"
"No, your eyes. Just like the sky…"
"Maybe. And to be as beautiful as her mother…"
"And I hope not as stubborn as her father…"
"Why not? Well, she could get another kind of stubbornness from you too…"
"Very funny…" She told him, slowly kissing him.
"But I," she said after they came apart, "I would like a boy. Just like you. To make him a scholar and teach him everything you know."
"But our little girl could be a scholar too."
"Then how about…" she said moving her fingers through the hair from his neck, "we have a girl and a boy!"
"And then another girl."
"And then another boy!"
"Yes, a lot of sweet babies. All of them looking just like you."
"That's easy for you to say, since I'll be the one to carry them, not you."
"But love, I'll be there. I'll help you both through the pregnancy and to bring them up. I'll always be there for you."
He kissed her again, this time more passionately.
"Did you miss me today?" she then asked, caressing his chest under his robes.
"More than you could imagine," he said, extinguishing the oil lamp and than turning to her again. "Do you know what I was thinking? We should practice more. Maybe this way we'll have the child we both want."
His hands moved gently over her body, letting her robes fall from her shoulders.
"What a great idea, my husband," she smiled satisfied, feeling his lips go down at the bottom of her neck.
Quickly, no words were spoken anymore and soon they lost themselves in their passion.
/\/\/\/\/\/\
Babies. For some reason, the time they had spent together hadn't been enough for them to became parents. And his Sha're won't ever walk through the park like the young woman in front of him was… They never had a baby, and never will. Sure, there was the boy. Apophis' child. Not that Daniel didn't understand the situation in which the boy was conceived. He knew it well, and he could imagine the pain his wife must have felt. He had made a promise to find the boy and keep him safe, and he was determined to do so. After all, the innocent child was his last link to her.
Last link. Last link! Other words that hurt way too much. The boy was a part of her… Left somewhere in the Universe to remind him of Sha're. And, of course, there were the memories.
Memories of their life together, memories of happiness, memories of bliss. Memories that hurt. Memories he didn't want just now.
He stood up and began moving from here to there, trying hard not to think of anything. He spent hours walking like that, not seeing anything around him. Or better said, not wanting to see anything; because every thing would remind him of her: the young man and woman kissing on a bench in the park was a reminder that he would never be able to show her his world; the fallen leaves he was stepping on reminding him that his soul had fallen just like that when she had tumbled to the ground with that terrible burn on her chest; the surrounding nature was something she wouldn't ever know. He didn't need all those reminders. He knew it all too well, and there was no way he could forget.
He finally needed to look around when he felt something wet on his face. No, there couldn't be tears. Tears were warm. This was cold. He raised his head to the skies and only saw heavy grey clouds above him. No, he wasn't crying. Nature was. It was raining.
/\/\/\/\/\/\
"Dan'iel, Dan'iel! My Dan'iel!"
Hearing her voice call out his name, he closed his journal, where he was copying the inscriptions on the walls, and got towards the entrance of the cave. Her voice had sounded joyful, and he was curious to know what was it that made her cross the desert in a hurry to come to him.
Daniel hadn't exited the cave when she rushed in, and, to his surprise, she was… wet?
"Sha're? What happened?"
"Dan'iel, the clouds, they are blessing us. Water is falling from the heavens. This hadn't happen for many seasons…"
Rain, Daniel thought. Yeah, on a desert planet rain was something unusual and rare. It was normal for people to jump with joy when it happened.
"Come, husband, we should let the water fall over us and clean all the sorrows and pains that there may be…"
She took his hand and led him outside. The rain was, indeed, fantastic. Big drops of water were falling down, quickly absorbed by the thirsty ground. And Sha're' childish joy was even more fascinating; all these were making him feel the excitement too. Together, they ran through the sands, as warm water was wetting them, blessing them with happiness.
"I love you, Sha're," he told her, taking her in his arms and kissing her passionately in the middle of the desert, as rain kept falling over them.
And than, on their journey home, they saw another wonder in this unfertile world: flowers. Beautiful, violet cactus flowers had abruptly blossomed, while the sky was smiling to them with an enormous rainbow…
/\/\/\/\/\/\
Bitterly smiling to the memory, Daniel knew this time tears and rain were merging over his face. He was crying together with the nature, or nature was crying together with him? It didn't matter.
He then remembered there was another rain that had changed his life. A cold, unfriendly Los Angeles rain, cynically falling over his misery. But then he was holding in his hand the chance for giving his life a new course. Catherine's letter had taken him to the Stargate, and to Sha're.
Now he was alone in the rain again, his life destroyed. But was there a rainbow left for him in the future? Was that rainbow a chain woven with memories? Maybe.
He kept his head up, facing the skies and the clouds and letting rain wash away his tears. It wasn't powerful enough to "clean all the sorrows and pains", as Sha're had said, but he could find a little comfort in it.
When, hours later, Daniel finally arrived home, he was rational enough to realise a hot shower and dry cloths were the things he needed most. Fixing that, he went to the kitchen and made a huge mug of coffee. He wasn't hungry, but, knowing that he needed food and that Jack wouldn't be very happy if he didn't eat, he had stopped at a fast food on his way.
Now what? He thought, coming in the living room and sitting in front of the fireplace. He had to do something. He couldn't just stare blankly into space, because thoughts would win over him again. And sleep wasn't an option, though it was nearly midnight… He knew what could bring him through, what had always brought him through, no matter what: books.
As a child in orphanages or foster homes, he used to loose himself reading something interesting and forgetting his own suffering. He could do that now. He got to one of the bookshelves and picked a volume randomly.
It was an edition of Edgar Allan Poe's poems. Maybe not a good choice for his mood, but he opened it anyway, again not searching for something in particular, and began to read.
For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea
In her tomb by the sounding sea.
Yep, definitely not a good choice. The surroundings were different, but the story was practically the same. He could recognise himself in the poet's sad words. His love story had been like this: happiness, powerful feelings, "a love that was more than love", as Poe says, a perfection coveted by the superior forces maybe. And then loss, and unbearable pain.
No, his Sha're hadn't been chilled by a wind that blew out of a cloud because of the envy of the winged seraphs: she had been stolen away from him by a being who proclaimed himself God…
Trying hard not to think any further and remember all the events that lead to her death, he flipped the pages and found the beginning of a poem he knew he mustn't read for the moment: "The Raven". He knew what it said, he knew it wasn't going to make any good to him, but he couldn't stop from reading it again…
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore--
Again, his situation was mirrored in the verses he was reading. Because that was what he was doing, trying to find comfort in a poem about trying to find comfort...
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; --vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow--sorrow for the lost Lenore--
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore--
Nameless here for evermore.
Yes, the similitude was growing stronger. On a early autumn midnight, in front of a cold fireplace, Daniel was seeking his own portion of balm, to calm down the incredible pain for his lost Sha're…
But there was no "tapping// As of some one gently rapping, rapping at his chamber door." And he knew there won't be any "late visiter entreating entrance at his chamber door;" There was only silence around him, but a silence able to "thrill him -- fill him with fantastic terrors never felt before;" just like the mysterious tapping would have been able.Darkness there and nothing more.
Darkness, darkness what was surrounded him, the darkness in his heart, the darkness of his loss…
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!"--
Merely this and nothing more.
He realised that if he, too, called Sha're's name loudly, there would be no reply. She won't ever come to him and stay in his arms, caressing his face with her gentle fingers and whispering love to him… She won't ever speak to him again; her sweet voice was now a sound he hadn't any hopes of hearing again…
He needed no "stately Raven of the saintly days of yore" to came into his chamber; no strange apparition needed to arrive to make him realise the sad truth: Sha're was lost and there was nothing he could do…
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Nevermore. Yes, that was the word that best described what he felt now. The one single word ("But the Raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only // That one word, as if its soul in that one word he did outpour // Nothing farther then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered--") said by the Plutonian bird in the poem, like an eerie refrain to collect a multitude of meanings.
Till I scarcely more than muttered: "Other friends have flown before--
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said "Nevermore."
Nevermore. She was gone, hope was gone, his pain will never be gone. Nevermore will the strange beast, with all the symbolical significance it bore, leave the poet… and him.
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee--by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite--respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Nevermore. He won't ever be able to forget. Never forget Sha're, nor his broken love, nor all the pain… The memories would haunt him for all his life. Memories to torment him with reminders of happiness, now impossible…
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!--
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted--
On this home by Horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore--
Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Nevermore. There was no balm – no comfort left for him. The deep wound on his soul would leave a scar forever unable to heal.
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore--
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore--
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Nevermore. She was dead; there was no meeting left… Although… in the second vision… she had said they would meet again. And he wanted to believe it. He desperately wanted to believe that this wasn't the end, that somewhere, beyond the great limit, she'll be with him again. He will believe her, not the pessimist part of his conscience…
"Be that our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul has spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
Nevermore. He won't ever be able to banish the pain from his soul, or the uncertainty from his mind… A lie maybe, but a lie that seemed more real… The evil dark Raven beak won't ever leave his heart…
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadows on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted--nevermore!
Nevermore? Will his soul never be able to walk out of the shadow of pain and despondency? Wasn't there really any hope for him? Was the poet right?
No, he couldn't let sorrow win over him. It wouldn't be what she wanted. He had to go on, he knew that... He had to. It was the right thing to do.
Memories hurt. Maybe now it was an ordeal to remember. But he knew there would be lighter days in his life. The same memories that now brought so much pain would some day bring light in his life. He was grateful for having them.
And he was grateful for something else. As Sha're had said in his dream, he was not alone. He had his friends, people he could hold on to. He will meet them in the morning. He was strong enough to go to the SGC and face Kasuf. He could find enough strength to go to the funeral and honour her for a last time. He was able to go on with his life and maybe remain the same man she used to know and fall in love with. He couldn't disappoint her.
Putting the book back on the shelf, Daniel moved to the window and looked at the skies. The rain had stopped and now, again, the bright stars were visible. Yes, he would always carry the scars over his soul. But, maybe, there was some balm left in Gilead.
It seemed to him that he could feel her watching over him, smiling to him with the light of each star that was shining.
Daniel let a small, sad smile cross his lips again, and after crushing two tears with his eyelashes, he lifted his wet glance towards the skies above.
"I love you too…"
END OF PART SEVEN
Yes, finally I have managed to post all of chapter seven:) I'd really appreciate it if you could leave a review:)