One-sided Jean/Mikasa, but no romance.
03 - #02. hero
No one speaks a word about his accident. He doesn't want any, so it's fine.
The first few days after he recovers from his battle, everything is but a blur. Medics come, and leave, and do check-ups. Sasha and Connie deliver his meals daily, but more often than not he has to feed himself. As for his wound, it hurts whenever he looks at it, but they all say that it should be fine, and he thinks so, too.
No one says that he can never be a soldier again, but he knows that they know, and he thinks so, too.
Mikasa visits quite late at night, after dinner, he supposes, because she never accepts anything he offers, little as it is. Sometimes she comes with Eren, sometimes by herself. He tries not to mind his uninvited guest, even succeeding once or twice, but most of the time his resolve breaks just as Eren stares at him with something akin to grudging respect and rekindled rivalry.
And most of the time he allows himself a smug look that says, I'm her hero, not you.
To which Eren will shoot back, Yeah, well, she's still the one dragging you back.
It doesn't matter, Jean thinks. It really doesn't matter.
Because he's here, alive, and she's here, safe.
.
Now that he's relieved from guarding duties and training sessions and scouting missions, Jean finds himself having quite a lot of free time. It's like having all the time in the world. Nothing changes, because you don't change. Sure, the sky turns different every passing hour and night bleeds into light on a daily basis, but in general, nothing ever changes. Consequently, Jean is bored, and to escape boredom he resorts to thinking, pondering.
About things like what he's gonna do once he gets out of here.
Or what he would give to transform into a Titan right now, because once he's a Titan he sure as hell will be able to grow back several limbs and several lost pieces of dignity.
And here's a funny thing: he might be the loudest of the bunch to talk about how unfair the world is, but this time its unfairness still catches him off-guard. Why, oh why is it not someone else who suffers this, someone, oh I don't know, like those traitorous Annie or Reiner or even Eren? Because surely they won't mind, Jean spits.
Which (he doesn't know how) leads him to remember another unfair thing: him falling for Mikasa, who fell for Eren, who continues to think that he fell for those hideous giants out there. Well, whatever his reason is, he's not going to wake up and realize that Mikasa needs him just as much as he needs his revenge. Which is utterly stupid, but brilliant at the same time.
Because, with that, Eren gets to keep Mikasa all for himself.
And Jean is back with telling himself to move on, but fails every time, miserably so.
.
The door opens to the left, so naturally anyone should unlock it using their left hand, including him.
Except that he didn't.
Maybe that's why with his right arm gone now, he's struggling so hard to do something supposedly right from the beginning, so hard that he thinks he can cry.
.
"So how are you doing, man?" Connie invites himself into Jean's house, manners be damned as usual.
"Erm, settling down?"
"Yea, should be. But y'know, you can still be a soldier. Geniuses like us don't give up!"
"Can't believe you're pulling that again. Who's the genius here anyway?"
"No, I mean it. You're awesome, man! Still are! Who gives a crap about those gears, I mean, you can work just fine in the headquarters planning this and that and we need someone like you. Armin's good, but he's no good, because he doesn't have your guts."
That's the longest coherent thing he has ever heard Connie say, but his friend still misses a point right there. Point is, he doesn't want to be back.
Not that he will say it out loud.
"...Here. Have some tea."
.
Mikasa comes visit regularly, though he should know better to get his hopes up again, again, again. He should. Because while he knows that she only has eyes for Eren like she has always, the compassion in her eyes sometimes is evident enough for him to pretend that he sees love.
Occasionally, he spots guilt. Occasionally, he tells her that it's not her fault, and the last thing she needs right now is more responsibilities. Most of the time she doesn't listen. But then again, maybe that's the reason he's so in love with her, even helplessly so, and a small, selfish part of him cannot deny that he kinda wants her to have those responsibilities, as for now they are the only thread that connects the two of them.
Jean has ever been the loud one, so loud it never occurred to him that he might actually like the silence around Mikasa. They do talk, of course, often with Jean starting the conversation and Mikasa ending it shortly afterward. Not that he minds, nor does he think she's acting dismissively, either. She's just that way. And he is fond enough of her to also be fond of other things about her, small, little, petite things that smell of elegance and freedom and the skies she soars through.
"I'm sorry," she says, every once in a while.
"Nah, don't be," he says. "I just did what you would." For Eren, he silently adds, but decides that it's too bitter to be spoken out loud.
"...It's been three years." She changes the subject.
"Yeah," he nods, not understanding what she really means, but trying his best to guess anyway. Maybe she's telling him to move on, maybe not. Who knows? He never knows Mikasa that well, but now that he thinks about it no one has ever known Mikasa really well. Eren could have (if he tried to) but no, he still does not. It's kinda sad, because he knows that while she cannot (and does not) care for many, once she does, she often cares so much that it hurts. She deserves more, so much more, and it dully aches inside of him because he's never the one to give her what she needs. Not that she allows him to, anyway.
"Oi, Mikasa!" he hears Eren from outside, immediately cursing because why the hell can't the bastard stay outside of his life forever? It's no use, though, because his voice is cutting in again. For one second Jean thinks he sees Eren's eyes narrowed. "Armin is waiting. Hurry up."
"No word for me?" He attempts at a snicker, but it comes out drier than expected. "Well, whatever. Take care."
She probably doesn't hear his last words, since she's already left for Eren, both of them leaving without sparing him so much as a glance.
.
Time flies, as they always say, and as he reaches and goes through his twentieth year, he starts to think less about the past.
His old teammates – friends now – keep him updated about what's going on. Beyond these walls, beyond mankind's greatest hope. Not that he asks them to, but he lets them anyway, as the token of their friendship.
He never shows it, but he's glad to know that most of them are still alive. Most, but that's fine enough. All have gained nasty scars and Connie's lost an eye, but the man doesn't seem troubled, and Jean doesn't want to press him anyway.
And it seems that the life out there is brighter than it used to be, despite all the more dangerous campaigns accompanied by more dangerous battles. It used to make his heart pump, he remembers, more fondly than he should because he knows his place and he also knows that it's not out there, no matter how many times he wants things to change.
But God knows how much he wants things to change.
Then, Mikasa visits him again after a long mission, battered and bruised and bleeding but, thank God, not broken. He doesn't know why, but he doesn't care. At last she's here. Safe. Offering him one of her rare smiles.
She smiles.
All of his buried emotions spring back to life almost at once.
"Why are you here?" He manages, looking bewildered and happy and promptly ignoring the growing cheers outside.
"...We...won," she breathes. "...Small...district,...but...we won."
In his daze, she collapses, and even though he catches her in time his heart still refuses to stop pounding so violently. He doesn't know why, but he doesn't care. First true victory in a century – she's a part in it, they're a part in it, and he's –
"Why are you here?" He sputters at last.
"Come back, Jean..." She says. "...Come back."