Chapter 315: Fast Food and Tea Parties
.
Despite his pronouncement, Danny did have something else to do here, first, before going back.
"Aunt Alicia."
"Danny."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. There just wasn't a good time. Or place." He tilted his head sadly to one side. "Or way to tell, really. It isn't something you just… say."
"I suppose most folks don't have to even say anything."
"Yeah. Most people don't… um. Manage to get away with no one noticing that they. Died."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Alicia flattened her lips, pulling them back into a sort of grimace. "How did…" Her eyes flickered over him, then back up to his face.
"How did it happen? Aunt Alicia, you know you aren't supposed to ask people questions like that." He looked up towards Amity again, then back. "It's not a long story. But… Why don't you come with me and Frostbite? You can meet the rest of the family. Get… get caught up for real." He shrugged towards Amity. "We're going out for lunch, actually."
"In there?" asked Alicia, inclining her head.
"In the Ghost Zone, but not deep or anything."
"They serve human food there?"
"Yeah. It's, um. It's a Dairy King, actually."
"You're kidding."
"Nope. I mean. It's the original proprietor and all."
"In the Ghost Zone."
"Yep. I'd bring you back, if you want me to, though. Promise. You don't have to be scared of me."
"Oh, Danny, I'm not scared of you." She looked up at Amity. "Let's go get some of those ghost burgers."
.
.
.
It was kid's night out in Harmony. Well, it was everyone's night out, but the kids specifically were out and about and having a good time. It was playtime, and the adults were all away having theirs, which involved a lot more alcohol than was generally acceptable to have around kids.
Mirage was babysitting, a decision that more people should have found questionable, considering Mirage's… everything.
The last game he'd played with the kids had involved a tiger. A friendly tiger, but still. A tiger.
Of course, the kids didn't care about that. They'd had a great time with the tiger, and this time they had everyone. No one got left out.
"So," said Mirage, leaning forward excitedly, "it's like capture the flag, but instead of a flag, it's a princess you have to rescue."
"Who are we rescuing the princess from?" asked Ryan, bounding a little in an attempt to be as tall as Mirage (a futile attempt; Ryan was ten).
"The Legions of Evil!" said Mirage, drawing his sword and waving it dramatically.
"No, I mean, who's on the other team?" clarified Ryan.
Mirage giggled. "It's a surprise!"
"It's Echo, isn't it?" asked Byron, Alice, Teddy, Sonia, and Ada simultaneously.
"It can't be just Echo," pointed out Charlotte in the tones of someone who frequently had to be the reasonable one, despite never having to fulfil that role. "He's only one person. He can't be a legion."
"There is a legion," said Mirage, his smile growing broader.
Emily tugged on the hem of Charlotte's shirt. "Who's the princess? Can I be the princess?"
"I don't—"
"Sure can, sweet bean!" said Mirage, hefting the three-year-old over his head. "You can have two princesses to rescue. I think that'll make it twice as fun!" He vanished.
"I think that could have gone better," said Sonia.
"You don't have to play if you don't want to," said Teddy, rolling his eyes. He patted her on the shoulder. "It isn't like he's kidnapped her, it's a game."
"Mhm. Last game did involve a tiger."
"Come on, Kira's a big softy."
"A big softy who is still an entire alive tiger."
"Like it would have been better if she was a dead tiger?"
"Can you guys have your lover's spat some other time. We have strategy to discuss."
"We don't even know who we're up against, yet. Or even where they are." said Bobby. "How much strategy can we actually come up with?"
Byron rubbed his hands together. "Well, figuring that out is where strategy comes in." He started laughing.
"Do you guys ever think that Byron takes after his namesake a little too much?" asked Sonia.
"Hey," said Ada, "don't start that."
"What? Why not?" asked Ben.
"Because Ada Lovelace was Lord Byron's daughter," said Teddy. "Ada's very sensitive about that."
"Our parents have the worst naming sense."
"They're just lucky they don't have a little sibling named Mary."
.
.
.
It turned out that they didn't need nearly as much strategy as Byron thought they did.
"Where," he whisper-screamed, "did this giant castle come from? It was not there yesterday!"
"Oh, gosh," said Emily. "That really is a legion of doom."
"Hey, guys," said Tandi, who was one of very few child ghosts in Harmony, "I think I see my mom up there. How the heck did they get my mom to play a game?"
"Lacuna's up there?"
It turned out that the ghosts of Harmony weren't particularly interested in drinking. Alcohol didn't do much for them. On the other hand, they were very invested in the battle-readiness of the community's children.
"I think I see Kira, too."
"He expects us to fight a tiger?"
.
.
.
"Princess Emily, how do you like your tea?" asked Replica.
"Tasty, Princess Replica," said Emily, flouncing her dress.
"And you, Dark Lord Echo? How do you like your tea?"
"Um," said Echo, also wearing a fluffy dress. "I think you guy have given me the wrong role here."
"No," said Fractal, "you're right where you need to be."
"I just think I'd do better actually out there… You know, acting evil. I was made to act evil."
"No, you weren't," said Replica in a sing-song.
"How would you know? You weren't there," said Echo. "I was totally made to act evil. Self defense."
"You don't have any restraint," said Fractal. "When you're playing with kids, you kind of need that."
"Ugh," said Echo. "You're no fun. None of you are any fun. I'm bored."
"Hi, Bored, I'm Emily!"
"What."
"My daddy loves those jokes."
"Yeah, her daddy loves them. Come on, what kind of tea do you like?"
"I'm dying."
"You were never alive. Tea?"
"Fine."
.
.
.
"Vladimir!"
Vlad's blood ran cold. Or, at least, as cold as it could with his fiery core. He knew that voice. "Oh, no," he muttered.
"A friend of yours?" asked Jack.
"Worse," said Vlad. "A relative."
"Little Vlad!" The rotund little ghost that went by the deceptively cute name of 'Dairy King' floated into the kitchen. "Oh, Vlad, my boy, these things are not kitchen safe, doncha know?"
"You were at the trial," said Maddie, sitting stiff and straight.
"Eyup!" said the Dairy King, cheerfully. "Sure was!" He patted Vlad on the shoulder. "It's time! You know what tonight is!"
"Can't you—" started Vlad. "Can't you see I'm busy?"
The Dairy King pulled a mournful face. "You promised, Vladimir. You don't want to disappoint your favorite ancestor, now do ya?"
"Vlad," said Jack, "what's going on? Is this guy coercing you?"
"Horribly," said Vlad, "but no more than he always does."
"Just let me have this little bit of joy working with my last living descendant, even if that descendant chased me out of my haunt and blew it up."
"That was Daniel, and you know it."
"The second time. The first time you forgot to change that ecto-filtrator doohickey."
"You forgot to change the ecto-filtrator on your portal, Vladdie?" asked Jack. "But that's part one of portal safety!"
"Really?" asked Vlad, "unlike keeping it from turning on when someone is in it or too close to it? What part is that, exactly?"
Jack's face fell. "Vlad…"
Vlad waved him off. "I've humored you before, but I'm not even living near your haunt this time. You can't guilt trip me."
The Dairy King gazed at him mercilessly.
"Oh, butter biscuits. Fine."
"Wait, wait, wait," said Jack. "Fine? Fine to what?"
"Well, Jack," said Vlad, "it's seems as if I'm off to my annual night of minimum wage drudgery."
"I'm not paying you," pointed out the Dairy King.
"Excuse me. Guilt slavery via distant relative."
"You're my direct descendant, Vladimir! Nothing distant about us, doncha know?"
"We're going with you!" declared Jack.
"We're what?" asked Maddie.
"Oh, the more the merrier! Welcome aboard, brand-new Dairy Peasants!"
"Dairy… peasants?"
Vlad rolled his eyes and walked over to the coat rack to find a jacket to pull on. "You'll get used to the nonsense remarkably quickly, I'm sure."
.
.
.
"Wow," said David, "this is way more awkward than I thought it would be, and that's saying something."
"Mhm," said Tucker, staring at what little of the kitchen was visible beyond the counter and the divider.
They were seated in the biggest booth in the Dairy Kingdom. It was much larger than most booths in the human world were, and therefore just barely large enough to fit the entire family… when they also stole a chair from one of the tables, that is.
And by family, Tucker meant family. Everyone was there, from his parents to Danny's aunt, to the Ancients, to Dustin, to Ida.
It was… a lot.
Even Pamela was there. She was refusing to eat anything, though. It was too low-brow for her, which the Dairy King seemed to consider a personal challenge. Which was like. Whatever. Typical of Pamela, really, but even being here was a step up from her shunning him and Danny and even the idea of associating with anyone associated with them.
Dan was there. Hanging out at a different table with Johnny, Kitty, and Ember – he thought he might have seen blob Skulker, too, but he didn't have a good view of the table – but he was there.
But the really awkward part was that the whole family was there.
Like. Danny's parents were there. And Vlad, insofar as he could be counted as family to the clones. They'd known Vlad was going to be there, sure, but Danny's parents? That was something else.
Especially since Alicia was there and there was nothing stopping them from seeing her. Or them. Or Jazz. Or any of the clones.
Genuinely, if they hadn't realized Danny was there, Tucker would have some serious concerns about their intelligence.
(And on top of all that, Vlad was reacting to his embarrassment by flirting with Maddie in a remarkably passive-aggressive way. It was both pathetic and enlightening.)
(Just, like. Why Vlad? According to Danny, he'd generally been getting better, and Mrs. Fenton was just frosty.)
Danny looked like he was melting. The experiences of the last few months had given Tucker a lot of insight about what that looked like, so he knew what he was talking about.
Which was fair! If Tucker's parents habitually wore one job-related outfit to the point of insanity and then he saw them in Dairy Kingdom uniforms flipping ghost burgers with his erstwhile nemesis while bracketed by his human aunt and his adoptive grandfather who was also sort of a time god, he'd be melting a little bit, too. Heck, he felt a bit of second-hand meltiness from the whole thing himself. It was weird.
Like, a lot weird. Even without taking into account the topic of conversation.
"So," said Danny, "I guess… this all started with the portal."