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The First Drop
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Mayonaka No Sora
Under the mighty sky, humans were supposed to sigh in relief, thanking the gift of being alive. Nevertheless, some people...like him were too ungrateful to appreciate the priceless ability of breathing and eying the magnificent shining sun above them.
The thought about this made him feel even smaller. Not that he was entirely ungrateful. He simply didn't like being a useless trivial human. Sometimes, he felt as if the stars, including the sun, were mocking him. Up above the world so high...like a diamonds in the sky. It was the humming song, his mother used to sing before sending them to a peaceful slumber but somehow, the song was unnerving just like how the bright sun was hurting his eyes. Emotionally not physically.
Unable to figure out why he felt nervous whenever his blue orbs dared to look above. The feeling of the possibility of losing something because of the marvelous dome around him was killing him. No logical reason for that. But it felt like a matter of time. Waiting and waiting, that was the only thing he could do.
The summer holiday was about to begin but unlike other kids in his age, he wasn't looking forward to the sandy beach and the camp fire nor was he too much stressed with the approaching final exams. A summer holiday was a chance to relax and to be away from his bothersome classmates. Why couldn't they understand that he was better without them pocking their noses in his business. They were hypocrite; laughing and smiling in his face and gossiping darkly behind his back, spreading dirty rumors about him. But he didn't care as long as they wouldn't push his limits. It was fine by him to receive their dirty looks…but sometimes, once the looks dared to cast upon the only close person to him, he wouldn't mind killing the idiots that thought about thinking at all.
'Ah, Kouji. You are here.'
He raised his head quickly as if remembering to breath after covering his face in deep water. His gaze fell suddenly on a gentle looking woman. The woman that would do anything to make sure that he was happy; that they were happy and…healthy. Even if the latter wasn't practical all the time.
Kouji realized then that he was standing in his house's back garden, watching blindly his mother as she was kneeling in front of some splendid flowers, watering them carefully. Once noticing his presence, she abandoned her work and moved towards him with an affectionate smile.
'How was school?' the overly used question to begin a conversation between a parent and a child. A question that would end as fast as it was uttered with a low "fine."
She frowned at that and gave a small sigh. 'I have to go to work now. I was waiting for you.'
He knew.
She sighed again and added hurriedly. 'Kouji, you know you should spend more time outside home. I'd like to see you surrounded by friends. Me and your father can take care of everything. We can even hire a house keeper in our abse-'
'I told you I am fine. I don't need friends. You are enough for me, 'kaa-san. I am happy here.' The bitter tone he used in his choppy sentences didn't show the happiness he claimed to feel.
'But...'
He didn't wait to hear her trying again to convince him with pointless pleads. He was fine. He didn't need someone else. They were enough for him. His family was enough for him.
The delicious smelling curry was seated pleasantly in front of him. Its warmth could tempt anyone to try it despite the hot weather. Somehow hot food had a certain pleasure in summer. His mother, Minamoto Tomoko, offered another smile of her flower-like smiles. 'I am sure you will enjoy it. '
'Arigato, 'Kaa-san.' Kouji replied politely.
Before he could start eating, he looked at her with a questioning, too-familiar look.
Her eyes looked at the floor as a dark atmosphere invaded the kitchen. She answered his silent question carefully seconds later. 'He ate before going to sleep. He will wake up in an hour or two. You don't have to ask him to eat.'
'I see.' He replied shortly and started eating slowly.
'Kouji, you can always go outside. It is not like we want you to take care of him and the house.' Her heart felt heavy when she stated her words. Sometimes she felt helpless despite everything she did along with her husband. Unable to help a sick son and unable to relieve her other son from the unreasonable self-blame he constantly felt. Sometimes she felt as if she had failed in her role as a mother…
Kouji didn't comment on her words, leaving her opinion open to all possibilities. He wouldn't leave simply because he didn't want to. It wasn't a matter of taking care of his brother or being responsible for the house. It was a matter of needing to be there despite knowing very well that his brother was more than capable of taking care of himself. He had never been a burden despite everything he went through.
Heavy silence breathed between them till his mother said suddenly. 'Oh, I am late. I'd better go. All the emergency numbers are on the fridge. If you want anything, ask one of the neighbors or go to Hiroshi-sensei in his client. It is closer than a hospital if something went wrong and if you wanted to leave just call me or your father to inform us. Don't forg-
She went on and on talking about the every day instructions. He had memorized those words till they lost their effect. They were dug inside his mind so there was no way he would forget closing the windows and the curtains when the night falls nor would he open to strangers. Heck, he was thirteen and completely capable of being responsible. It had been always that way. Nothing would change.
Or at least that what he silently wished. No changes were good enough to keep moving on.
His mother left after giving him a kiss on the cheek. She disappeared in one of the rooms, opening its traditional door on the corridor's right side. The room's door was similar to the doors in old, traditional house that you need to kneel a bit to enter. For two minutes, she remained there before closing the door gently and hurrying towards the door. After a wave of goodbye to Kouji, she left.
The plate was full even after ten minutes of pretending to eat. With a sigh, he left the kitchen table and headed towards the small room; the same which his mother entered minutes ago.
The room was cold and dark yet it was comfortable as if a weird magic had kept it charming, despite the initial impression it gave who entered it.
His fingers moved automatically to the button beside the wall, switching on the light. The dim artificial light enabled the room to reveal itself as the thick, black curtains were tightly shut. A tidy desk was taking care of a pile of books and other school papers along with an alarm clock. The closed closest was seated against the midnight painted wall. Most of the furniture were painted in a mixture of black and soft blue. The walls decorations didn't lost the childhood touch they had when the room's occupant was a child. The same little, smiling -literally- yellow stars were thrown carefully against the midnight wall. A drown yellow small moon that carried a small star with its banana-like shape centered the stars.
In the middle of the room, a comfortable futon was stretched lazily. A soundly sleeping figure-or that how it appeared- was nested under the heavy blanket.
Kouji had stopped long ago wondering about how his brother was able to bear heavy clothes in summer. Yet, he knew it was much better than risking the possibility of getting the summer flu.
Quietly, Kouji sat beside the sleeping boy. His dark blue eyes took in the too familiar sleeping expression of his brother.
'Tadaima.' He whispered gently with softness he only recognize when they were alone. He stretched his hesitant fingers brushed some wet hair from the asleep face. A sympathetic sigh escaped him when he realized that the already gone fever two days ago had returned. Fortunately, it didn't look that bad or else his mother would stay by his side. Sometimes, it seemed as if the fever refused to leave his brother's body whenever it had the slightest chance to come back.
They say when twins are born, one is usually strong while the other could be stuck in the weaker body because they were half of each other. They were supposed to be a single body that was divided into two. An equal two. However in usual cases, the elder twin is born as the stronger because he had been born first and had taken more than the poor younger twin. In sever cases, the younger twin might be born dead.
However, it was the other way around for them. He, the younger twin, was born perfectly healthy while his elder twin was forced to stay in the hospital for weeks. He had been a day old maybe but somehow, he could imagine his parents pained expressions when the doctors had told them that the chance of the elder twin's was slim.
His brother survived, though.
But they weren't equal or so people believed. For him, they were but in a strange way. His elder twin was weaker, sick yet so smart and caring unlike him. They were close; closer that normal brothers or even twins. Whenever there was a chance for them to appear in the public, he would hold his brother's hand to make sure that he was fine...that he wouldn't collapse because of being sick. Ironically, ill people aren't usually so stubborn but his brother was even more stubborn that him. He would never miss an exam even if he was hardly able to attend more than two months in the whole school year. Whenever they were together at school or anywhere else, Kouji had to suffer from annoying and accusing dirty looks. The only reason that prevented him from tearing those jerks apart was his brother's presence. His twin looked so clueless to whatever those people were hinting to, so Kouji couldn't destroy the blissful innocence he was in just to start a fight with them and drag accusations verbally out of them. Luckily, they were too coward to face him. Sometimes he wished if his twin didn't attend school at all. It would have been much better for both of them. His parents tried to convince his brother to take classes at home. They repeated over and over that they would like to bring him teachers in everything he wanted at home but he refused. To be honest, his brother didn't need teachers. He was the one wit the highest mark in the whole school despite everything.
Some of their classmates claimed that twins are supposed to be equal in their intelligence so when Kouji could barely scratch an A in all of his exams while his twin got full marks, questioning marks should appear. Some said that the teachers felt sorry for him so they gave him the best marks but it wasn't a logical reason even for their limited minds. There was a handicapped kid in their class but he was treated just like any other kid. Teachers became quite harsh while dealing with his brother when he attended classes as if defending themselves against the rumors. His twin had never been in need of special treatment, though, and he would rather fail than get something he didn't deserve.
Kouji didn't know if he was supposed to tell him about that the final exams would start two days later. His twin had been to the hospital for the whole previous week and he needed few days of resting at home. He had been too tired since he came back and had barely slept last night because of his fever and the blasted nightmares that ended up with him crying for something incoherent desperately. He had been in his room several times when that happened but he had never been able to make the nightmares more tolerable over the years.
Usually, he stay in the stary room for ten minutes before leaving to finish his lunch. Somehow, he had never finished his lunch while it was warm but that was the least of his worries.
Doing the house chores like cleaning the dishes became more of a habit than a duty. And he wound up quite good in cleaning them efficiently and quickly. His mind was blank for a while as if enjoying the ability of not thinking of anything while gazing at the dishes when the soup above them formed small colorful bubbles. He liked bubbles when he was a kid but he wasn't really sure if he liked them at the moment.
Too occupant with nothing, he didn't recognize the light footsteps that reached the table kitchen behind him. Somewhere in the footsteps journey, they lost balance and asked for a supporter. The kitchen chair was there to offer all the support the footsteps owner wanted. The movement of the chair startled Kouji, causing the dish he was carrying to slip and nearly shatter once it clashed with the dishes in the sank.
'It is me. Okaeri nasai, Kouji.' The reassuring voice cast its magic upon Kouji's soul. A sigh of relief was its direct effect. For a second, Kouji wondered if the words were meant to placate the panicked dish as well. It was a miracle that it didn't chatter.
Once Kouji collected his thoughts, he turned to face the sound's owner who was now sitting on one of the chairs. The sight of him made Kouji's heart clench and smile at the same time. His presence was enough to bring joy. The pale blue eyes that were different from his dark ones were comforting and kind; even kinder than their mother eyes. Dark Bluish, short hair formed a gentle frame around the other's pale face; paler than his own. However, the sweat dribbles covering his forehead with the pink feverish blush on his cheeks reminded him of the other's pain and caused him to react rather violently.
'What are you doing here? You should rest.' His shouted out with uncontrolled worry that sounded like anger. Anger because he couldn't do something to control the worry.
To his familiar shock, his brother chuckled playfully. 'Seriously, I'd do anything just not to hear this sentence everyday, Kouji, How many times do you say it anyway?' His voice was kind and amused as he trailed like a playful child. Hearing the deceivingly healthy tone made Kouji blush in embarrassment. Sometimes, his brother acted as if he wasn't sick at all. As if he was totally normal.
'But you have a fever, Kouichi-nii.'
He only called him Kouichi-nii when he lose the ability to convince him of something, hoping that the quite polite tone might work. It had never worked though.
Kouichi shrugged helplessly. 'When didn't I have fever?'
Surprisingly, Kouji wasn't taken aback by his brother's rhetorical question. Instead, he dried his hands and slippeed in the chair beside Kouichi, enjoying the silence.
'How was the curry?' Kouichi asked softly after few minutes to restart a conversation with the faintest feeling of guilt because of his previous question.
'It was good.'
'You ate it cold, ne?'
'Hmm.' Kouichi always knew that he waited his mother to leave to come to his room and check on him before finishing his food. Simply, because Kouji couldn't prevent his mother from the pleasure of putting his food in plates and preparing the table for him. It was enough for her that Kouichi ate in his room most of the time.
'Something interesting happened in school?' It seemed as if asking the twenty questions was their way to talk without feeling awkward. They didn't need them though. They were comfortable in their silence.
'Nothing much. Everyone is worried because of the approaching exams.'
Kouji slapped himself mentally for slipping that information carelessly. He turned to study his brother's facial expression then slapped himself again once a small smile played on Kouichi lips.
'No, you are not going. You can set for the exams when you are better.' Kouji started the argument with a quick attack. Attacking is better than defense as they say.
'But I am much better now.' Kouichi's small voice was heart breaking. The way he looked at the now cleaned table while playing with his fingers like a child was irresistible.
Kouji didn't hate that his brother was true. He really looked better. At least he wasn't hardly breathing or unable to walk. He had walked to the kitchen on his own after all and had his breakfast for the first time in a while.
The younger twin sighed in defeat, earning a victorious smile from his brother. He was used to losing battles easily. Hopefully, his parents would agree to let Kouichi go to school for the first time that week.
The silent humming melody sang in the space. Kouichi's pale, blue eyes were glued to the window, a strange joy blinked in his eyes as if he found a treasure. The golden sun was sending its last greetings to the earth, allowing the small stars to start their mission in enlightening the universe. The moon would certainly follow in an hour and he would great him in his dreams as usual. It would turn into a pure feather. This time, he would touch it and hold it to his heart…but the chaining roots would remain there clutching him to the land and disabling him from joining the sweet feather. He wondered how soft it could be or would it turn into dust stars once his finger touch it. He really wanted to touch it, to go far away from the dreams world and the real world. Yet, He felt sorry for the roots. They loved him dearly and their voices were always begging him not to leave because they needed him. It was weird, he noted. He could remember the dreams so clearly as if they were real but when he was there, he barely remember who he was. It didn't matter too much to know who he was anyways. No one would ask him in a dream what was his name. There, he forgot that he was sick but he remembered being a burden…to himself.
A dreamy cloud made his eyes even paler with the unconscious, numbing feeling the dream caused as they turned slowly into a dazzling color that could challenge the bright sky's color . He could see the darkening sky while everything vanished. There was no walls around him nor windows to prevent the stars from dancing in front of his eyes. In the middle of nowhere he was, a reaching hand begged for nothing and everything again but something was wrong. His hand ached him as was his thumping heart. Instead of the relieving illogical tears, there was a heavy, hard breath as if he was struggling to allow air to reach his lungs. Air? He had never felt the wind there before. The reaching hand returned as the eyes squeezed in unknown pain. His other hand's fingers came closer to his chest, touching the fabric above his heart. Clothes? Had he ever felt them in a dream? They were always there, covering his body and preventing a non existent chill from reaching his skin. He was feeling the thin cloth above his heart. He clutched it in pain. An involuntary hiss of suffering escaped his lips. Sweat was heavier and colder.
Yet, he forced his free hand to reach the gradually appearing moon. His hand was screaming but it didn't matter. His chained feet struggled to move but the roots were stronger than ever, tightening him to the ground and pleading him to stop moving…to stop going away.
The roots were screaming with his name and other things he didn't recognize; didn't care to recognize.
'Kouichi!'
The voice was echoing around him, banishing the sad stars from his vision and forcing the moon to retreat beyond dark clouds.
'Kouichi!'
He wasn't sure that that was his name. It didn't mean anything to him. Just strings of letters like the simple "Later then." he uttered every night to the peaceful sky. It wasn't peaceful in this dream. It wasn't anything. Flat and high. Just covering everything. Over there. Higher than he had ever seen.
He couldn't reach the feather. It didn't appear yet and there was nothing he could clutch. The chains stretched till it tied his wrists and chest kindly. The chains had never hurt and for the first time, he was glad that they were there when everything had vanished into blurriness.
'Kouichi!'
He didn't realize that his eyes had responded to the absent command of waking up. But he wasn't asleep, was he?
Few minutes passed and everything came into focus gradually. The first thing he noticed was his left hand, clutching his heart tightly while his other hand was forcibly pinned beside his body.
'Kouichi.'
He could recognize the panic in the tone now yet he couldn't place its source. His orbs kept moving anxiously for a whole minute.
'Kouichi, please.' The voice was begging him…just like the chains.
He forced his eyes to look up. There were pair of tearful blue eyes staring at him fearfully.
'Kouichi…' the source was coming from those eyes or rather from the quivering lips that the eyes owner have.
With another blink, a flaw of images rushed crazily to his mind, causing him a mind-smashing headache.
'Kouji?' his lips moved without his order as if the word was already on his tongue.
The kitchen came into focus slowly. The thick curtains hid the small part the window revealed. He was leaning on Kouji's chest. The chair was stumbled behind him as if it had fallen because of his own fall.
'What happened?' Kouji's struggling to placate the worry in his tone failed epically.
'I don't know.' Shockingly, his voice was calm without any hint of stuttering. The unbearable pain in his body had vanished and was replaced by the merciless headache.
Kouji had accepted his answer without further questions. He helped him to his room. Five minutes later, he was tugged under the futon blanket with Kouji hovering beside him.
'H-How do you feel?' Kouji cursed his voice for trembling.
'I am fine.' The answer was supposed be" I feel better" but he wasn't feeling better. The pain he felt in his dream was more tolerable than the pain he couldn't feel at the moment except for the headache.
Kouji's eyes looked away bitterly, gaining a comforting tug from Kouichi's fingers with the softer and more believable: 'I am fine. It was an attack. Nothing is wrong.'
The younger twin bit his lower lips furiously. It was far from nothing. That wasn't the first time he felt loosing his brother to nothingness. That is why he hated the dark sky. When Kouichi had stared blankly at the sky through the nearby window, he panicked and tried uselessly to talk about anything, to ask him if he can study with him for the exams, if he needed his notebook. He had gone far enough to tell him that he would convince their parents to allow him to come to school. Nothing had worked, though. Kouichi's blue eyes became paler and brighter as if gazing at something far beyond him. There was a small content smile that terrified him. He touched his hand and started shaking him violently, calling his name but Kouichi seemed unconscious to the outer world. Then his elder twin's hand stretched to reach something invisible to him. Kouji had nearly collapsed then. Something was happening. His twin wasn't there with him. He wanted to be somewhere else…far away from everything else. Angrily, Kouji tried pinning Kouichi's hand and keeping it on the table but the hand had resisted, forcing Kouji to twist it in a painful angel. Kouichi's scream accompanied his attempts. And then, his twin fell to the ground with his other hand, clutching his heart while the other arm trembled in pain. After few whimpers from Kouichi and frantic attempts on his side, Kouichi opened his eyes.
He hated the stars for that and despised the beautiful, silver moon. They seemed as if they intended to take his brother away from him no matter how illogical that thought sounded.
Doctors gave him and his parents no answers for his brother's...condition, classifying it as a sort of weird trance that had nothing to do with physical reasons… just like Kouichi's continuous illness. Kouichi was weak but his body was working perfectly. Nothing was wrong about his organs. Everything inside him was normal. His mind was working far better than kids at his age. Yet he was always sick…and there was nothing anyone could do.
'Kouji?'
Kouji eyes moved immediately to Kouichi. 'Yeah.'
'Stop worrying about me. That would take you nowhere.' the innocent advice was sleepy and tired while its owner was drifting off slowly to slumber.
'No. Don't sleep!'
Kouichi blinked in confusion. 'W-What?'
'I-I mean you have an exam. You should study even if you were a genius.'
Kouichi smiled sweetly. 'You mean, you won't tell out parents about the attack. I can set for the exams then.'
'I won't.' If Kouichi would stay awake by his side for few hours, he wouldn't mind hiding what happened from their parents. They couldn't do anything anyway besides the family had stopped talking or commenting on Kouichi's strange attacks as long as he snapped out of them every time. They tried to believe that those attacks would stop once everyone stop talking about them but unlike his parents, Kouji wasn't sure if his twin could abandon whatever he was seeing in that condition for long. Sometimes he felt as if Kouichi was truly enjoying being absent to the world...as if he was searching desperately for isolation.
Their fourteenth birthday was coming closer after all. And with it, fear was sliding like a snake towards his heart. The fear he felt whenever their birthday came. Kouichi had never spent his birthday with him at home. Somehow, he ended up in the hospital every time. Their small birthday party was forced to delay itself for two weeks at least to be held in a hospital room. The longest time Kouichi spent in a hospital was around their birthdays.
No one give reasons but Kouji felt like knowing. When they were born, they were supposed to be one and that one should have been his brother but fate had interfered and gave him the higher possibility of living after stealing what was supposed to be his twin.
They were supposed to be born as equals but that didn't work and he was struggling with guilt whenever he saw his brother's pain. Their mum didn't expect twins at all when she gave birth to them. It had been his fault. He shouldn't have been born. Kouji was never able to shake the feeling that he was a deadly mistake. Every time their birthday comes, he wished he could be the one who was stuck in the hospital with cold devices to monitor him.
'It is okay, Kouji.'
Kouichi words saved him from the mental self punishment he played over himself.
'Sure, it is, Nii-san.'
They exchanged similar smiles. Both knew that they were fake but at least the same…
To Be Continued ...!~...
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Author Note
Title translation: The Midnight Sky
Heeeeey, everyone ^.^ Long time no see, ne?
This story is quite weird even for me. Despite how much I try to make it look clearer, it became even more confusing but that is not bad. I wish you enjoyed this chapter. I will try to update regularly for this fic. Once a month is fine.
Please everyone tell me what you think. That makes me super happy =^.^=
(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)
Tadaima: I am back
Okaeri Nasai: Welcome back
'Kaa-san: Mum
Nii-san: Dear elder brother.