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The Second Drop

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Akumu no Naka de Ikiru

Like scared shadows in a stormy sea, the silent thoughts retreated to the back of his mind. Yet they enjoyed nagging him whenever his blue eyes abandon the book's neat lines. Reading had always helped to ignore thoughts but when most of what he was reading was related to his thoughts, it became harder.

The soft sound of the closed book announced the end of the current reading session. Time was running so fast as if it wanted to busy him with the life's tricky changes. Some of them were expected, others were strange…even by his standards. The summer holiday had started four days ago but without plans to spend it. That slight change was as flat as the surface of water in a motionless cup. The other change was quite strange and a bit nerve-racking. How ironic it was to be worried because of his improved health. Surely, it was strange to feel fine a week before his birthday but it shouldn't be irritating to feel healthy or as healthy as he could be. It seemed as if nothing would change even if he felt better. His life would go on in its annoying routine. Sometimes, he wondered whether he really wanted to get better. There wasn't any proof that this slight improvement meant something good. Maybe it was the climax stage before the falling action like in drama's analysis. His parents didn't comment on that supposed happy change. They tried to act as if nothing had changed despite the uneasiness they felt whenever he insisted(and was clearly fine) on going out with Kouji to the nearby super market or to water the garden flowers. During the daylight of course. There was no way they would allow him to see the night sky. It was dangerous, they said. He had believed them long time ago but recently he couldn't find a reason for their fear or their...selfishness.

They had stolen the real sky from him, replacing it with dumb wall papers and books about astronomy. In his dreams, he found the desired relief yet sometimes he couldn't help but wonder if the real sky looked like the dream's one or like the sky in documentary programs. For some reason, he didn't even think about the real sky in his dreams as if he didn't want to see it at all. It wasn't strange. He could hardly remember anything while being there after all.

It didn't matter too much not to know anything about his identity and life there. But it became noticeably painful to lack identity. Sometimes he had that strange feeling that he wasn't the same person who was gazing at the midnight sky. As if he was seeing all that through another person's eyes. Funnily, he couldn't decide whether he hated the feeling of hosting a weird soul in a weird world. It was hard to explain how he felt there as if his body was owned by someone from another world while his emotions and consciousness were slowly slipping from his control.

Attacks, the synonyms of daydreams, hadn't occurred since the incident that night. Back then, he had been talking to Kouji then stared eagerly at the small piece of the sky that revealed itself through the kitchen window. Somehow, he ended up looking at the dreams' sky instead of the "real" one. It had been painful as if a dagger had been stabbed to his heart. He couldn't remember screaming then but if Kouji was that afraid then his condition was seriously terrifying. Kouji hadn't mentioned anything to their parents so they had agreed that he could set for the final year exam in addition to the surprising Maths exam. Of course, he and his brother took more than an hour and half to convince them that he was perfectly capable of setting for the exam. Eventually, his parents gave up once he sounded quite hopeless regarding their agreement. No matter how stubborn they were, they couldn't resist the desperate look in his eyes. He didn't know why but he didn't mind looking so. It had been the reality after all. He was living without a hope or a future. Studying and boring reading were means to pass the time, to forget that he couldn't be able to continue like any normal boy at his age. What was the point in getting the highest grades if he couldn't even face those who were supposed to be his competitors? He was fighting tirelessly to reach anything he could even if that thing was a halfheartedly scratched A from a confused teacher. The hateful looks that didn't sympathy him were burning him whenever he was able to attend classes. Envy and jealousy were the only things he managed to attract from them. He couldn't blame them though. He was taking everything for himself without deserving it. After all, he wasn't the one suffering in school and between classes.

'Stop it.' He muttered, squeezing his eyes as if banishing the thoughts away.

'Stop thinking!'

He couldn't stop though. He wanted to go back there…where he truly belonged…but he had promised Kouji that he would try keeping the attacks away. It was hard to refuse the tempting numbness to engulf him when his thoughts strangled him. He would be safe there but he would be nothing. Just nobody who was looking at a dreamy world and clutching it as if it was his reality.

But it was his reality. That world hadn't hurt him. There was no one there to call him a freak because he was a weird boy who could fell in coma just by watching some stupid stars. Sometimes, he felt as if he was freaking his family out. He was expecting them to leave him at any moment or to dumb him in a hospital for mental people. But they remained by his side, supporting him as much as they could yet they kept him away from the only relief he knew.

They were the warm chains.

There had been a time when he wished nothing more than death. Maybe it would have been much better if he had died in his birth. He would have released them from the stress they were living in. Once he had told Kouji that in a moment of desperation. Kouji had refused to talk to him for three days after shouting at him about how stupid he was by thinking so and that he would rather die than imagining his life without him. It made him sick. They loved him but sometimes he begged his dreams to embrace him so he could stay away from them. Every birthday he experienced the feeling of dying. The pain, the loneliness, the flashes of memories passing by him while he couldn't even scream for a release. This year was the first year, he felt afraid of his birthday. Every time, he would wait patiently for the pain to embrace him. Back then, he had gladly accepted it, thinking it might be the last time he feel it, hoping that it would be the last time he could open his eyes.

But he had survived so far. Till now, he wasn't sure if he wanted to remain alive.

If remaining alive would allow him to continue dreaming then living wasn't that bad.

In the back of his mind, he imagined his brother's tearful face. Was it his right to wish to leave everything behind? But he had nothing except his small family. The family that would certainly be better without his existence. There would be no reason then for letting curtains cover every window during the night. They would be able to enjoy the midnight sky happily. Who knew maybe they would attend the festivals that were held at night.

He struggled to stand steadily. It took more than a minute just to reach the wall beside the futon he was sitting on.

Small hands touched the drawn nearby group of stars. Here, he could touch those fake stars but that had never made him feel better. The starry wallpapers reminded him with his parents' guilt.

He wondered if the real sky was really this cruel to cause him harm. But wasn't he the one who surrendered to his thoughts, allowing them to take him away so he could reach the pure feather? Everyone could gaze at the night sky once they want yet not everyone appreciate the gift they was granted by such simple action. He envied them. All of them. All of those who could look indifferently at anything without feeling those who were dying to have a glance. Even the blind. It wasn't their fault nor those around them that they lost the gift of seeing and he believed that God has a reason to do so. But in his case, it was his parents and the world's attempts to take what he loved away. If he was so easily able to look at the sky, would he truly appreciate it or feel eager to see it like he was then? A question that had rang in his ears for years. It was ridiculous somehow. Who would be stupid enough to care about the darkness the sky radiated at night or the small white dots in a black blanket?

Dreaming about dreams wouldn't make his life better or even worse. It would keep it unmoving just like how it was for nearly fourteen years. Why couldn't he challenge his fears and try to go out even for once? Was it his fear that the real sky was much beautiful than what he imagined in his dreams? Was it because he didn't want to lose faith in what the dreams told him about the cruelty of reality.

A strong, scary sound sliced the silent thoughts cruelty from behind the thick walls. Another had joined it with a softer bomb. His eyes widened in realization. The fireworks. He was never able to imagine how they truly look aside from the books and the TV. What colors did they have? Were they truly flowers or artistic shapes flying in the sky? Were they closer to the sky than his fingers in a dream?

He realized then that he had never seen fireworks in his dreams before. Funnily, he hadn't thought about them. All what he cared about was the dark color of the limitless sky along with the twinkling stars and the smiling moon. Would it be a fully grown moon in the nearby festival? Was it truly more beautiful than the banana- like moon he usually see?

Sumidagawa Hanabi Taikai. That great firework he heard a lot about. It was held at the last Saturday of July. His birthday was on the first of August which meant a whole week before it in the hospital. There hadn't been a chance to be there. But maybe he could have his chance now.

A quick glance at the calendar made him smile. It was 25th of July. The last Saturday would be in the 30th of July. He wondered if he was lucky or totally damned. His birthday would be directly after the festival.

Suddenly, he felt like wanting to see the fireworks and the fully grown moon in the festivals sky and the glorious boats dancing over the Sumida river. There would be fireworks from all colors there, right? He would be strong enough not to open his thoughts to his dreams there. Yes. He would go and make sure to compare what he could see and what he had always seen.

He didn't know the reason for this sudden passion but a little whispering voice told him that it would be his only chance to be out there. Surely he would collapse later on but it wouldn't hurt to have a good memory when he was stuck in the hospital numbness.

He wanted to go because it felt right.

After all, it might be his last time to enjoy anything outside a dream.

Playful and kind wind rushed into the warm house. The sun was smiling brightly outside, brightening the beautiful weather and offering what seemed like an ever-lasting light. Another gentle wave broke into the kitchen causing his long hair to obscure his vision. He groaned in clear annoyance and wished for a millisecond to cut the disobedient brushes.

'Temper, Kouji.' his father laughed at his grumpy expression.

'Can't you close the window, please?'

His annoyed tone told his father politely to shut up. It was enough that he had to dry the dishes while his mother was busy suiting the right temperature to bake the deliciously looking cookies. A readymade Black Forest Cake was neatly wrapped on the shelf's corner.

He sighed. Why was he that obedient to agree on helping his mother to make some cookies as a celebration for his and Kouichi's success? What did it matter if his brother got the highest marks in school? It wasn't like Kouichi had a good reason for studying so hard. It was futile, they knew yet none thought of discouraging him.

It was a normal day. His father came early from his work so he could join the family's happy celebration.

'Otou-san, Okaa-san...'

Kouji's head snapped towards the voice's source in a quick movement that his neck hurt instantly. Kouichi was standing beside the couch in the living room, eyes down. How he managed to enter the living room without their notice wasn't surprising. His steps had always been soft.

Tomoko forgot the cookies and ran towards her elder son in panic and helped him to the nearby long couch. He didn't mind her help and offered her worried face a placating smile. He seemed as if he didn't need the help but didn't want to upset her. His father turned the TV off and approached him worriedly.

'Is something wrong, dear?' she whispered in concern however her voice was less panicked than usually.

Kouichi shook his head and gave another small, reassuring smile. 'I am fine. I-I just wanted to ask for something.'

A mutual silent sigh of relief erupted from the three of them. His father was the first to react. 'You can ask for anything, son.'

'I..' he paused and gazed at the carpet then collected his courage and closed his eyes. His request was uttered as fast as he could in fear of losing the confident he got to ask for it.

'I want to go to Saturday's festival.'

Wide eyes looked at him as if abnormal thing had been revealed in front of them. Kousei's face paled few degrees. He blinked in disbelief as if wishing he hadn't heard the request correctly. Slow moments of silence followed. He shared a concerned look with his wife before realizing that they had heard the same thing accurately.

'But Kouichi…'

This but was their introduction to a polite way in refusing his request. How could they throw their son to the danger of facing violent attacks? If the night sky was a somewhat a trigger for those attacks then it would be a deadly mistake to allow him out. A day before his birthday.

Yet they didn't want to say no to him.

'It had been a while since the last attack. I would be fine. Please, let me go.' He was desperately pleading, tears brimming on the corner of his eyes.

That wasn't right, Kouji thought. His twin would never cry unless he couldn't take it anymore. Kouichi had pleaded his parents before but he had never seemed so…desperate as if the decision would determine his life.

'Please. I need to go.' The whimper was heartbreaking.

His mother pleaded tearfully, engulfing him in her embrace tightly. 'You can't go. You will be hurt. Please, sweetie.'

Kouichi didn't return the hug, terrifying her even more. He whispered weakly as if talking to himself. 'Just for once. For the last time…'

A chill occupied their souls. No one understood the reason behind such a tragic change.

He released himself from his mother's hug a bit harshly and took few steady steps back. A determined voice echoed in the room. The initial hesitance had disappeared. 'I will go.'

'You won't!' that was his father. Despite his trying to look bold, his body was slightly trembling with concern and rage. It hadn't been so hard to deal with the gentle elder twin before. He resumed, using a voice that pretended to have authority. 'You should stay home beside it is the time for your medicine.'

'You know very well that I don't take that medicine.' Kouichi muttered quietly, his voice became similar to his usual tone. 'Please, Otou-san I just need some fresh air…'

His excuse seemed reasonable but his parents didn't want to listen. They were scared.

'No!' his mother joined his father after encouraging herself to stop crying. The high-pitched tone was stern. 'You don't need to go outside. It is dangerous. You are fine here. With us.'

'I am not!' He shook his head slowly, tortured tears traveled towards his slightly bruised lip from biting it too much. 'I need to go.' A soft barely audiable plead.

No one responded. The tension grow thicker as blood. And he couldn't take it anymore. He gritted his teeth and cried out, 'I am sick of everything!'

The last few words exploded in a shrieked shout, a voice that was louder than he had ever dared to utter.

The second Kouichi thought about taking his angry words back once he noticed his parents pained expressions, his heart stopped.

Nearly stopped. The significance of time vanished. His body completely shut itself down. Kouichi gasped as if inhaling the last breath he could manage. The world around him became so fuzzy and scary and tempting. And he was afraid of the sweet temptation. His knees gave up and he fell to the invisible floor. A piercing pain tore his insides. He clutched his chest and screamed. Other shouting voices evaporated and the dreamy sky appeared but instead of its fascinating midnight color bloody red colored the high doom.

That couldn't be happening whatever it was. Not now, he shouted out mentally. He didn't want to experience swinging between life and death. Not when he was so close of achieving a silly dream.

What dream? He faintly wondered.

No!

I-I can't

I don't want to!

His back was burning. The Sleeved T-shirt was melting and tearing up crazily or maybe it was his imagination. It wasn't like his senses were working perfectly. They seemed as if they weren't working at all. He screamed again and squeezed his eyes, stinging tears escaped out of pain.

The pain toyed with him. His heart beat as fast as he could to enable him to breath but it wasn't working. His chest hurt. His head was shattered. Invibile daggers were separating his soul from his body. The ability of uttering screams were taken from him mercilessly. He stopped even trying to release a pleading shout.

He wanted to die.

The pain might stop.

Forever.

And the pain stopped obediently following an order; someone's else order. The controlling low words came from a feminine soft voice that appeared from nowhere. Her voice was calm and…disappointed?

"Not yet…" the words whispered in a strangely soothing way as if assuring the trembling boy.

The pain wasn't replaced with relief, though. It wasn't replaced with anything. Numbness was welcomed and he forgot why did he protested in the beginning.

He felt the comforting wind against his bare back. The brush of feathers touches the soft skin gently to sooth the pain. A swinging feather danced towards him. He stood with ease, raised his head towards the scarlet sky. There was nothing to look at except the twinkling black feather. He cupped his hands together like a child who wanted to grasp the snow flakes. It didn't matter why he wanted to touch it when he could feel feathers move ever slightly under the wind's domination on his back…

Outside the world he closed himself in, several things happened at once. The window's glass shattered suddenly after the heated words he uttered to his parents. Strong wind occupied the room, causing a horrible voice. A completely different image from the wind from earlier. Tomoko had screamed when a vase fell to the floor and shattered. The wind's speed and strength was blinding. The married couple hold into each other and sheltered their eyes. The wind was angry and frightening, crashing every thing in its way. Several antics were knocked to the floor to shatter mercilessly.

Kouji was scared. Truly scared. He didn't even move to cover his face. Frozen in his place, he tried desperately to understand what was going on. He stared at his twin with shocked eyes. Kouichi had collapsed, arms wrapped around himself. Screams fill the room. Their parents were helplessly trying to overcome the wind's rage to reach his collapsed brother.

The day that started so normally was falling apart with every passing second. The wind continued forming some sort of a wall between them and Kouichi.

Why?

Why was it happening to them?

It was't normal. Nothing of that was normal...but his life had never been truly normal. Yet that was a totally different stage of abnormality. Absentmindedly, he took a step closer. The wind rushed towards him, defending the distance it kept between him and his brother. Kouji didn't care but the second he moved furthur closer, the wind grow angrier.

Drip...Drip...Drip.

Tiny drops of blood appeared on his cheek. He blinked. If it weren't for his parents concerned shouts that ordered him to step back, he wouldn't have noticed the neat cuts that covered his wrists. A confused glance moved from the faint cuts to lie upon his twin.

He gritted his teeth and cursed loudly. 'Damn it. STOP!'

Silence followed his wind's piercing sound vanished.

The wind calmed down dramatically. His twin's screams had stopped as well. Kouichi raised his head and looked in front of him. Eyes brighter than usual, palms cupped together, patiently waiting unseen object to fall into their embrace. It took Kouji a minute to notice the outline of glorious white wings fluttering behind his twin's back. It must be his imagination. Yes. That couldn't be true. It was a nightmare. A living nightmare.

Slowly, a small smile crept to brush Kouichi's lips. The wind played gently with the fascinating fallen black feathers that surrounded the white wings.

Kouji couldn't think of anything. Anything at all. His thoughts abandoned him tragically. He stood paralyzed, his senses completely unaware of his parents hesitant approaching steps. The only thing he managed to sense was the slow disappearance of brother's presence.

Everything happened ridiculously fast. One moment he was standing like a status, the other moment he found himself running towards his brother with unearthly determination. Before he could realize it, he slapped Kouichi with an enough force to knock him to the sickening sound of a skin touching skin replaced the soft wings' voice as they disappeared as eerily as they appeared.

Kouji shouted uncontrollably, heavy tears fell down shamelessly. 'Where do you want to go? Damn it! What about us?' Kouji didn't know why he had said that. He didn't even know the meaning of his own words. They made sense somehow. And it scared him to realize the words he uttered. His twin wanted to leave. The awkward feeling of hating the night sky for what it hid shook him violently. Something was going to happen. He was sure of it.

Kouichi blinked few times as if brushing the haziness of a dream. He didn't even touch the place where Kouji's palm made contact with his cheek.

'Please, Nii-san…' more tears accompanied the now defeated voice. 'I-I will take you to...to the festival if that is what you wanted. J-just promise you would be fine. Please...'

His parents were so freaked out to comment on Kouji's offer. Clutching each other and observing their sons helplessly.

'Please...' Kouji closed his eyes to avoid looking at his brother's eyes. They had been blank few minutes ago and he was afraid to see that again. The wings had vanished, making him wonder if he had imagined them in the first place.

'Kouji...' His brother's normal confused tune alarmed him. He opened his eyes and stared disbelievingly at Kouichi's clear blue eyes. Kouichi gazed at him back and asked in a childish innocence. 'W-why are you crying? What happ-'

Kouji didn't even give him time to continue his question. He clutched him in a desperate hug, sobs continued falling. Kouji's arms were crashing his bones but he was so confused to feel the supposed pain.

Kouichi blinked again but didn't ask further. He returned the crushing embrace hesitantly. Over Kouji's shoulder, he saw his mother crying on his father's shoulder.

I did it again, didn't I? A question the wind carried gently and kept it unanswered.

To Be Continued ...!~...

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Author Note

Title translation: To Live in a Nightmare.

When on earth am I going to stop saying weird after every chapter of this fic? *Sigh* That was awkward anyway.

The outside part (Kouji's perspective is a kinda of reflection to what was happening to Kouichi. The changes there are a bit quick and unexplained because It may seem a bit hectic but the description took its chance during Kouichi's short perspective. I know that I didn't give the parents a dominant role here but sadly, they are out of place. The coming chapter will include Kousei though.

Sumidagawa Fireworks Festival (隅田川花火大会, Sumidagawa Hanabi Taikai) is an annual fireworks festival held on the last Saturday in July, over the Sumidagawa near Asakusa) (Wikipedia)

I made the last Saturday on 30th of July. Summer break in Japan starts in the late July. Here, the twins live in Asakusa, a district in Tokyo. God…I worked for weeks just to sit the right time sitting for this chapter. There are many festivals in Japan but it is not easy to pick the right one here….

Please tell me what you think about this chapter so far. I would be so grateful. Criticism is much appreciated as well^.^"