The lyrics in this chapter are from the song "Anymore" by Travis Tritt. Thank you for all of the reviews. I decided to put this chapter in the first person. I usually write in the third person so this is a little different for me. Let me know what you think and if you think that I should continue to write the rest of the story in the first person or not.
It isn't a good idea for me to be here tonight but Teddy and I had a fight… and I miss Deacon. I know it isn't smart to come here when Teddy and I are fighting because it means I'm weaker than normal. I'm more likely to give into temptation. These past few weeks, it's been harder than ever to stay away from Deacon.
My marriage has been falling apart for months but I haven't even wanted to admit it. I think I've always known the truth but I've been in denial. I know that Teddy and I are extremely unhappy. We haven't been happy in years. Our love has always been based more on comfort than passion but for most of our marriage that has been enough. In fact, it was exactly what I wanted at first. I wanted a stable, reliable man.
Unfortunately, things change. Deacon changed. He's been sober for 13 years. He has become the stable version of himself that I always wanted him to be. He is reliable. He no longer misses rehearsal or sound check. I don't have to go looking for him anymore. He is usually on time and he acts like a professional. I still worry about him but not in the same way that I had to worry about him 13 years ago. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I would have waited just one more time. I find myself fantasizing about what my life would be like if I was married to him instead of Teddy. I dream about Deacon. I can't get him out of my mind. Part of me doesn't even want to fix my marriage. Part of me just wants to run right into Deacon's arms and pretend that the last 14 years never even happened. The other part of me worries about the girls and feels bad for not being able to love Teddy in the same way that I love Deacon.
Obviously, it's a bad idea for me to be here right now. I know it's dangerous. I know that my emotions are already running wild and that whatever song Deacon chooses to sing will send me even further over the edge. I'm playing with fire but I don't want to stop. I don't want to leave. I want to see Deacon in his element. I want to hear exactly what he has to say. I need to hear what he has to say. I miss talking to him.
I see him walk up to the stage with his guitar in his hand. He looks gorgeous. He is wearing an old flannel shirt, blue jeans, and boots. I imagine what it would be like to run my hand through his hair. I can still remember the way it feels to kiss him and it makes me wish that I had taken a different path.
"Hey y'all," he says as he grabs the microphone.
His voice has always had a huge effect on me. It's low and smooth and extremely sexy. Just one word from him can send me over the edge. I take a deep breath trying to calm myself. I'm married. I need to be letting him go. I can't think things like this anymore. It's best for all of us if I just let him move on.
"I've got a special song for you tonight. It's a new one so I hope y'all like it," he says into the microphone.
I watch as he strums his guitar softly. Deacon does magical things with a guitar in his hands. Even after all of these years, it still amazes me sometimes. I listen closely as he begins to sing.
I can't hide the way I feel about you anymore
I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
My tears no longer waiting, my resistance ain't that strong
My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone
And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you anymore
When I hear the first verse of his new song, I immediately realize that he is talking about us. His eyes stay focused on mine as he sings. I try not to get sucked into the moment. I've always known that he still loves me but this time he is saying it directly. He isn't tiptoeing around the truth. He is giving it to me straight. I sigh because I know that this will only make things harder. I have buried my feelings for him deep inside but I can't stop them from bubbling to the surface. I can tell that we have finally reached the breaking point. I'm not sure what to do. My marriage is at its breaking point and so is my relationship with Deacon. I feel guilty because I would rather save my relationship with Deacon. I don't want to lose him completely. I should be letting him go. I should have let him go a long time ago. I know that I can't. I don't want to let him go completely.
Let me make one last appeal to show you how I feel about you
'Cause there's no one else I swear that holds a candle anywhere next to you
My heart can't take the beating, not having you to hold
A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul
It says I can't keep pretending I don't love you anymore
My heart beats faster because I know what this song means. It means I need to make a decision. It's now or never. Deacon is laying it out there. He knows that I am here. He will expect a response from me.
I've got to take the chance or let it pass by
If I expect to get on with my life
I almost can't believe what I'm hearing. I know that Deacon has been holding this in for a long time. I know that he is taking a huge chance by singing this song right now. He is putting the ball in my court. The thought scares me. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I have already made too many decisions that I regret.
My tears no longer waiting, oohh my resistance ain't that strong
But my mind keeps recreating a life with you alone
And I'm tired of pretending I don't love you anymore
I take a deep breath as he finishes his song. I don't know what to do. I know what Deacon wants from me and a huge part of me wants the same thing but at the same time, I'm not ready to give up on my marriage.
"I hope y'all enjoyed that song. I'm gonna take a quick break and then play a few more," he says after the music stops.
I know that he is going to come over to talk to me. I think that I should probably make a quick escape. It would be easier for me to leave than it would be for me to deny my feelings for him yet again. I don't want to do this with him right now. I see him walk down from the stage and head over in my direction. I start to panic. I have no idea what I'm going to say to him.
I can smell his scent as he approaches. It is intoxicating to me. I know exactly what my heart wants but my head is going haywire.
"Hey darlin," Deacon says when he reaches me. "You like the song?"
I hesitate. What should I say to that?
"I like all of your songs, Deacon."
I try to keep my answer vague. I hope that he will not push any further but I know him and I know that he will.
"What did you think about this one?" he asks.
"It was nice," I reply, trying to keep it simple.
"Come on, Ray," he says impatiently.
He is making it so difficult for me. He knows what he is doing. I know what he wants to hear. I know exactly what he wants me to say. I'm just not sure that I can say it right now.
"Deacon," I say, trying to remind him of the line that we can't cross.
He takes a deep breath. He looks agitated.
"What're you really doin here, Ray?" he questions, skipping straight to the point.
He looks directly into my eyes and I know that he can see right through me. He knows that I've been struggling without him. He knows that I'm not happy with Teddy.
"I already told you," I reply.
He looks at me in disbelief.
"Rayna," he says.
The tone of his voice is commanding. I know that he knows I'm lying. He knows why I'm really here but he wants to hear me say it.
"Deacon, I can't," I answer.
My eyes are silently pleading with him. I can't do this right now. I need more time.
He looks away from me. I know that he is disappointed. It breaks my heart to disappoint him again but I can't tell him how I really feel. Telling him would change everything and I'm not ready for that yet. It takes everything in me to restrain myself from reaching out to grab his hand. I want to comfort him, to tell him that I still care, but I know that I can't.
"Okay, Ray. I gotta get back. I'll see ya around," he replies.
I watch him walk away. I take a deep breath. If things weren't so complicated, I would call out to him and tell him to come back. If things weren't so complicated, I would run right into his arms and kiss him in front of everyone. When I see him walk back up to the stage, I know that it is time to leave. I have to go back home. I have to go back to the life I have chosen for myself. I have to go back to Teddy.