I see the shocked look on Deacon's face and I almost laugh. He clearly wasn't expecting me to tell him that I want to leave my husband. I watch as he processes the information. His surprised expression is quickly replaced by a look that is full of hope. The look excites me. I know things are going to be rough in the coming weeks but I can't help thinking that Deacon and I might finally have a chance to be together. At the same time, my heart is being torn in many different directions. It aches for the girls, it sympathizes with Teddy, it is pained by my failure, it regrets the decisions I have made, and it clings to the possibility of romantically reuniting with Deacon. All of these different emotions make my head spin. I know I'm going to be riding an emotional rollercoaster for the next few months. I know that this is the calm before the storm.
Deacon remains quiet for a few minutes as he takes in the new information. He reaches out and grabs my hand. He squeezes it tightly, as if he is reminding me that he won't let go. In that instant, I feel safe and secure. I feel like he is my anchor.
"You know I'm here for you no matter what, Ray" he assures me.
"I know," I reply, squeezing his hand in return.
We sit together on the step, silently contemplating everything. I know I'm only delaying the inevitable by staying here. I can't avoid going home forever. I have to face Teddy and tell him the truth.
"I should get going," I tell Deacon after a few moments.
He nods his head.
"You gonna tell him tonight?" Deacon asks curiously.
"I probably should," I answer.
Saying it out loud makes it more real. I am going to tell Teddy that I want a divorce. The enormity of the whole situation hits me harder than it ever has in the past. My throat becomes tight with emotion. I feel tears falling down my face.
"Everything's gonna be okay, Ray. I promise," Deacon tells me.
I nod my head, unable to speak. I cover my face with my hands, attempting to regain my composure.
"Thanks, Deacon. I'll talk to you later," I say as I stand to leave.
"Call me if you need anything," he replies.
I smile at him softly. I'm thankful that he is still here for me. He has always been here for me.
I drive home slowly. I try to remain composed. I want to appear strong in front of Teddy. I have never been able to share my emotions with Teddy the same way that I can with Deacon and I don't plan on letting my guard down now.
When I pull up to the house, I take a look around. I wonder how I actually ended up here. I never pictured this life for myself.
I walk into the house and see Teddy standing in the kitchen.
"Hey," I say, announcing my presence.
Teddy still appears to be angry from our fight earlier.
"Where've you been?" he asks, his tone full of suspicion and accusation.
"I went to the Bluebird," I tell him.
His eyes flash with anger.
"To see him?" he questions.
I don't need to ask whom he is talking about. I know he is talking about Deacon. Teddy has always hated Deacon and the relationship that I have with him.
"No. I just needed a change of scenery," I reply.
Teddy looks like he doesn't believe me but he lets it go.
The whole exchange reminds me of all of the reasons that I want to leave. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I can't take it anymore. I always feel trapped and lonely. Sometimes I feel like I can't even be myself. I know I can't be in this shadow of a marriage any longer. I have to tell him now.
"I can't do this anymore," I tell him, my voice remaining surprisingly steady.
"Do what?" he asks.
I point my finger between us.
"This. Us. Our marriage," I explain. "I want a divorce."
He sighs but he doesn't appear to be surprised by my words.
"Because you want to be with him?" Teddy asks.
I try to contain my anger. I'm sick of Teddy insinuating things about Deacon and I. I have always been faithful to him and I don't deserve to be treated like this.
"No, Teddy. Because we're both unhappy and we have been for years," I tell him, keeping my emotions in check.
Teddy nods his head.
"We can tell the girls in the morning," he says.
I'm surprised by how easily he gives in. Knowing that he doesn't even care enough to fight me on this only makes me feel more confident about my decision.
"Okay," I agree.
He starts to walk away. After a few steps he turns back around to face me.
"I hope you don't regret this, Rayna," he says.
I look at him but remain silent. He retreats into the other room. I take a deep breath. The whole exchange has gone better than I expected but I'm very stressed about what might happen next. Teddy's words ring in my ears. I hope I don't regret this either. I hope I haven't made another huge mistake.