"Christian, you really didn't have to do all this for me. I could have had a salad or just some fruit." Rachel looked down at the grill which had been sectioned into two halves. One for Rachel and Santana's grilled falafel slider patties and vegetables and one side for Christians burger.
"Rachel mi nina, it's fine. I wanted to do this for you. Besides, it's tradition. And since mi hija is eating what you are, I figured a salad wouldn't do. That girl's appetite requires more than lettuce or fruit, right? So relax, Rachel. Why don't you go play that game with Santi, she assures me that you're getting better? As if I know what that would even entail." He shook his head and turned back to the grill, putting on the grill his burger then picking up a seperate spatula to do the same to the two falafel patties. Rachel walked back into the house, smiling when she found Santana congratulating her victory with her squad. It seemed they all spoke spanish. She told them she may be back on later then pulled the headset off of her, setting it aside.
"Hey babe, what's up?" Rachel lay down, head in her girlfriends lap.
"Nothing really. I was unsuccessful in convincing your father that he needn't cook for me. Want to help me make guacamole? I like it on top of the falafel burgers."
"Of course, babe. You like it chunky right?" Rachel nodded and sat up to slip off the couch. When Santana stood too, the smaller girl slipped her hands around her waist and hugged her tight, eyes closed.
"I love you, San." her girlfriend looked down at her, running a hand through soft hair.
"Te amo demasiado, Rachel. Sabías que." Rachel nodded, pulling away and walking into the kitchen, putting together on the counter all the ingredients they'd need for the guacamole.
"Baby, what's wrong? You're okay, right?" The singer nodded, stopping to turn around.
"Yes. I'm fine. It's just strange, you know. I have felt this way for so long and it's odd to be able to speak it out loud now. To know you'll look at me and say 'I love you too'. And I know you mean it. All of a sudden one of my dreams has come true. I just never thought it would happen. But now I'm here, and your father likes me and you're my girlfriend and this feels so much better than I ever let myself hope it would." Santana walks closer tilting Rachel's head up and leaning down just a bit to connect their lips. The taller girl tries to communicate all she feels through her lips, teeth, and tongue. There's more she wishes she could say but the perfect words escape her.
"I understand, baby. And I do mean it." Rachel steps away to grab a knife and cut up the onions, tomatoes, avocado and chilies. Santana slides up next to her, chopping cilantro and then a lime in half. Her eyes stray to the left when she puts the knife down a few minutes later and she takes two steps to her left to stand so close behind her girlfriend that there's no room between her front and the shorter girl's back. When the brunette finishes, she pulls the spoon that was folding the guacamole together from between her fingers and sets it down.
Rachel breathed deep before she spoke. "Santana you know you don't have to feel like...I don't need you to take care of me all the time. I know it's been said before that I'm clingy and needy but I know how to let go, I do. Don't feel like us being this way is something you have to do if you don't want to. I've experienced that not everyone loves moments like these as much as I."
Santana sighed. It was so easy to pick out the self doubt in between the shorter girl's words the way she always had. She was still so completely disgusted with the person she had been when it came to not only Rachel but all the other kids she'd squashed down under her white trainers. She had no excuses.
Following Quinn's orders like she was some kind of pawn was not who she really was or who she wanted to be. But she'd been head cheerio, and she'd done exactly the same thing. It made her sick to think about. Things would be changing come September even if she had to refuse Coach Sue's offer to join the newly reforming Cheerios and do it alone.
"Listen. I love the way we seem to need to be next to each other. And If it's what you were thinking, I don't see you as weak, babe. I definitely don't see you as someone who'll fall apart if I'm not right behind you with open arms."
"I just want to be a part of this with you. Supporting you the way you do me, Santana. I suppose that is what I meant. I apologize for being so verbose. I know how annoying it can be." The taller girl spun the other around slowly, wrapping lithe arms around her in a comforting hug.
"Don't apologize for that. The way you talk is a part of who you are. And honestly babe it makes it easier for me to understand what you're feeling. It helps." Santana pulled her face up, smiling down at her, gazing into bright brown eyes that broadcasted all the pain Rachel was trying to cover up. The Latina tried her best to open herself up as well. To help her girlfriend see that they were on equal footing.
"Okay. Thank you." Rachel breathed out, not fighting her overwhelming desire to press their two pairs of soft lips together for a chaste kiss.
"Your welcome babe. I want to tell you to stop doubting yourself, because you don't have to with me. But I can't because I still can't believe you want anything to do with me to begin with. I was a monster. And such a stupid bitch on top of all of it but you look at me like I deserve any of this with you and I know that I don't. I know that people will say that I don't." Rachel walked towards the couch in the living room, falling on her back and frowning when Santana cuddled in to her chest.
"You do deserve this. You deserve to be happy, despite all the things you said and did. And even if you didn't, I would still love you. I would still be with you, okay. And we'll think about what people will say when we come to it in September. But for now, let's just relax until dinner."
"I'll totally give you kisses if you tell me what you're thinking about." The taller girl whispered. Breathing in slowly with her ear against her girlfriends evenly beating heartbeat.
"I was thinking about my appointment next week. I didn't tell you before, but I stopped seeing Dr. Branham against her advice. She'd said something about the possibility of antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds and I was completely against the idea. I was just burying everything instead of dealing with it, but I didn't want to. So I just stopped going. Dad and Daddy were worried, but I think they understood how hard it is to get me to talk about something I want to ignore." She slid her hand under Santana's shirt, rubbing against the soft skin of her back.
"Do you want me to come with you? Would that make it easier? I talked to my shrink and he said it wouldn't fuck me up or anything. I mean, I have my appointment tomorrow, and people asking me 'how does that make you feel?' isn't my favorite thing, But i'd come with you anyway."
"It would, but no. I know you and Christian need to finish planning the trip and getting all the things you need. Maybe you can come with me after the two of you come back from the trip?"
"You still sure you don't want to come with us? Papi even told me to try and convince you to come. Please, babe. You could consider it my birthday gift!" Rachel laughed softly, her hand still rubbing against her girlfriends soft skin.
"I've already procured your birthday gift. It's upstairs. But, okay. I'll go."
"Great, i'll call the tour company after we eat to make the last reservation. They'd been holding it for me just in case." Christian said, walking in from the deck with two trays of food.
"Thank you, Christian." He grinned at her when he'd put the food in the kitchen.
"It's no problem, Rachel. We both want you there." The girls stood from the couch and followed him into the kitchen, sitting down at the island to eat.
"These are really good, daddy, where'd you get the idea?"
"I've been watching vegan cooking shows on YouTube. I thought that if the two of you are eating like this I should learn how to cook it, right?" The girls nodded instead of speaking with their mouths full. When she had swallowed and wiped her mouth, Santana spoke.
"So far I'm not missing any of the things I used to eat. And all of this food is really good. I was thinking that I may take it up full time. Dad I thought maybe you would know what supplements I'd need to take?" Rachel beamed.
"Yea, I'll check it out. Why don't you girls head to the balcony off of your room, Santi. You'll be able to see the fireworks from there."
A few minutes later found both girls laid out on the chaise lounge on the balcony, Santana once again being held in Rachel's arms. They were silent as the first few colorful explosions went off.
"After you fell asleep last night I was laying there next to you, awake. And I was thinking about how much it's gonna suck when your dad's get back and you go back to your house. I mean, you'll only be like six blocks over, but I sleep so much better when you're here, baby I still think about mi mami all the time but I don't...I don't fall apart, you know? I don't end up crying myself to sleep except for the first night you were here. I miss her so much, you know. And sometimes I imagine what she would say to me if she were here, if she could see who I was. How disappointed she'd be."
"Santana, that wasn't who you were, and you're a better person now. She'd be proud to see you make the decision to turn it all around." Santana nodded, chewing on the corner of her bottom lip.
"And I think... you know, what would she say if she'd met you? I know she would have loved you. It just would be so much fucking better to just have her here than to have to imagine her words and her face, her voice." Despite her best attempts, her tears fell into Rachel's white blouse.
All the smaller girl could do was hold her and tell her that it would be okay, that she was there. But it was getting worse, and Rachel could hear how staggered her breaths were.
"Baby, shh, please just breath, okay? Breath for me." She took Santana's hand and pressed it against her chest, breathing more heavily to allow her to follow it. Slowly her breathing came back to normal.
"There you go. You're okay. Come on, let's go to bed, Santana." Quickly, the girls removed all but their underwear and slipped under cool sheets.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall apart like that. I just can't help but feel like it should have been me instead of her. The type of mother she was, the type of person...compared to her I'm such a horrible human being. Why couldn't it have been me?"
"Because it wasn't supposed to be, babe. And you can't blame yourself for surviving that. Right now, let's just...let's sleep, I know you have your appointment tomorrow morning."
"Alright." Santana smiled as much as she could, tears still in her eyes.
"I love you, Santana."