When You're Gone
"I'll be gone tomorrow…" He put on his coat and shoes…"Why stay if you don't want me...if you don't want me…don't want me…"
She shook her head furiously. "No, Mack, of course I want you. I love you. I always have." She sprinted down the hallway to him, throwing herself into his arms. She looked into his eyes, begging him to understand, to give her another chance, and he was just starting to lean towards her when…
"Damn phone," Rose grumbled, her hand fumbling around on the nightstand for the telephone. "Hello?" she asked groggily, rubbing sleep from her eyes with her free hand. She yawned. On the other end a woman screamed excitedly.
"Rose!" squealed the voice of Ronny Robinson. "I have the best news ever!" Ronny squealed again.
"Ronny, Ronny, it's three in the morning here in California. For the love of God, what could you possibly need at three in the morning?"
"Oh Rose, I'm sorry. I forgot about the time difference. Anyway, I won the races in France just a few hours ago and to celebrate Will took me for dinner at the Eiffel Tower."
"Congratulations on winning…but I know that can't be why you woke me up in the middle of the night when I have finals tomorrow."
"Will and I are engaged!"
Rose could not manage to speak quite yet. "Rose?" Ronny asked, and her tone was softer now, and far less excited. "Are you still there?"
Rose took a deep breath. "Yeah I'm here. That's great Ronny. Really it is. I wish you both the best of luck."
"Are you thinking about Mack?" Ronny questioned, even though she already knew that this information would have turned Rose's thoughts to Mack in an instant. Rose sighed into the phone.
"Mack and I were over a very long time ago, Ronny. I don't dwell on the relationship I single-handedly ruined by saying I couldn't marry him. So, despite any little plot you may have to get us back together, I have moved on, and from what you tell me, Mack has moved on as well."
"Loud and clear," Ronny replied. "Anyway, we want something small and quick because I have more races in London in a month. We're flying back to San Angeles in a few hours, and if you're not too busy later I can give you some more details. Say that café you love around five this afternoon?"
"OK, Ronny, I'll be there. Can I please get some more sleep now? I have to be up in two hours to study a little more."
"Sleep tight," Ronny joked. "Night, Rose."
Rose hung up the phone, knowing she wasn't going to get any more sleep tonight. She was happy for Ronny and Will, she truly was, but she'd lied when Ronny had asked about Mack. As soon as Ronny had said the word 'engaged' Rose's mind was filled with the image of her ex-boyfriend. She missed him terribly, ached to hold him again, and he was gone and it was her fault. There was no one to blame but her.
She picked up the pink bathrobe from the end of the bed and wrapped it around herself. She found a pair of socks and headed into the tiny kitchen to make herself a mug of hot chocolate. Once that had been prepared, Rose went into the adjoining living room and sat herself on the couch. Immediately she reached for one of the two photo albums sitting on the coffee table.
It was organized by team member, Tyzonn in the front, then Dax, then Will, and then Ronny. Rose turned the pages sadly, remembering the days when they'd all still been friends. She saw Dax and Tyzonn occasionally, but of all of the team, Ronny was the only one who was still a good friend towards her. Will, on the rare times she'd seen him since the break up with Mack, was very quiet and tended to act as if Rose didn't exist. It hurt, yes, but Rose knew exactly why he behaved that way.
Once she'd finished with the team photo album, Rose picked up the other album, the red leather bound one. This one contained pictures of Mack. Normally Rose couldn't handle looking at this, but now she felt she could. She studied the photos carefully, tracing the shapes of his handsome face slowly. God she missed him.
Rose sighed again, softly, and closed the scrapbook. Her drained the last dregs of her cocoa and padded down the hallway to her room. In the nightstand drawer was a box, a little cherry wood pirate's chest. She took it out and examined it now.
The latch swung open easily, revealing two folded scraps of paper and a silver ring. She unfolded the first paper, the one with the cold, impersonal note from Mack.
Rose,
I'd already bought this for you when that fiasco happened and I want you to have this anyway. It reminded me of you the second I saw it.
Mack
Rose closed her eyes for a moment and then found the other note. It was still so odd to her how different the two letters were, like they'd been written by different people.
My gorgeous Rose,
A gift for my favorite pirate in the whole world. You shiver my timbers. ;)
Love,
Mack
Rose smiled sadly and picked up the ring. It was silver and delicately sculpted into the shape of a blooming rose. She cherished the ring, but she'd never worn it. It hurt too badly to even think of it. Nevertheless, she kept the ring gleaming, and sometimes she would look at it and remember all the good times she and Mack had had.
"I'm so sorry, Mack. I'm so sorry." Rose slipped the ring onto her finger, admiring the effect. She would not let herself cry. She was better than that. It was like she'd told Ronny: Mack had been gone from her life for five years now and that was that. From now on, the only time Rose was allowed to be with Mack was in her dreams, such as the one Ronny's phone call had interrupted.
Rose sighed miserably. She turned off all the lights she'd turned on as she moved through the apartment and got back into her bed. Rose scrunched her eyes closed, despite that she knew sleep wasn't going to come. Evan after five years it was hard to sleep without Mack's arms wound around her.
Her right hand fingered the ring shaped like a rose, tracing the shapes of the petals. She wondered, and not for the first time in five years, if everything would ever stop hurting. She suspected it never would.
"I'm sorry," she whispered again into the darkness.