A/N: Hello to all readers…I want to say one thing and then elaborate on it. PLEASE REVIEW…

Okay, elaboration time…

This isn't just because I get a warm fuzzy every time I see a new review on a story (which i do enjoy) or because I actually enjoy the reviews that give constructive criticism and/or compliment the story (which i do really, really enjoy)…there's a MUCH bigger reason…

I stumbled onto fanfiction years ago…randomly…upon replaying Final Fantasy VIII and growing slightly obsessed for a few weeks. That's how I started writing fanfiction. That was about 5-6 years after the game was over…although fanfiction for games is a bit different than an ongoing series. Wrote a pretty good story…got into 2 different communities…and ended up getting about 20 reviews…the fan base still had some devoted readers/writers…but it was basically DEAD…

Here I am with my new infatuation…BtVS…which I've stumbled upon 8 years after the show ended…8 YEARS! This story is probably going to end up being long ( probably at least 80,000 words…and my longest before this was about 50,000 words) Quite honestly, even if this makes me sound like a prick, I'm not going to write a monster (length) fiction if it ends up getting 15 reviews…half of the reviews by a few people…that are like a portion of the 35 people that still actively read and write BtVS. I would just go write a Naruto fiction (no I don't watch it, nor am I bashing them…just using a random example of a extremely popular fandom) where two of the main characters are having sex by the third paragraph, there is no plot, and the writing and emotional storyline rivals "Green Eggs and Ham" and get 75 reviews within the first day…

No, I wouldn't actually do that…but I wouldn't write a LONG fiction and put effort into actually making a plot and trying to engage readers…if its going to get 10 reviews because the fan base isn't there anymore either. So with that being said, if you enjoy the story (hopefully) take the minute or two and review…I know it's a PAIN, and I'm guilty of reading and really enjoying fics on here and just not taking the time to review…but please do so if you get a chance…Thanks, Trim59

Spike tossed and turned. He didn't really expect too sleep this night anyways. He was happy. Buffy was alive and he had a second chance. Regardless, he had a thousand thoughts running through his brain. Deep down, he wanted to explain everything to Buffy. Still, he knew it would be pointless. Where he currently stood with Buffy and the Scoobies would result in him getting staked, or looking crazy at the least. Even worse, if she did believe what he was saying Buffy would probably distance herself from him.

It still hadn't sunk in. He was back in his crypt. He was back in his town. Well, at least the placed he had stayed the longest since he became a vampire. Buffy was ALIVE. He was going to treat her better than Angel ever did.

Out of nowhere, Spike panicked. Sitting up in his small bed, Spike scanned the room as his mind raced. What if he got friend zoned? The whole mutual respect and caring thing didn't come along naturally in their relationship. Before that ever occurred, hate was the governing emotion. Physical attraction also played a key, but he was the only one that initially cared. Did he have to disgust Buffy for her to eventually fall back in love with him? Would he have to let her die closing that portal again, just so she would come to him? Would he have to let Buffy use him and be her dirty little secret she was ashamed off?

There really was no sure fire way. The path that guaranteed him access to Buffy, to varying degrees, was also the reason he never fully had her. Spike couldn't allow disgust and hatred to be the driving force in their relationship again. Buffy did like the forbidden, and she did like a little monster in her man. That was Spike's opinion still, but he knew that Buffy was capable of loving a monster like him.

Spike just had to make it through a few more lonely hours. It was almost dinner time for normal humans. He wished that Buffy would seek him out. Unfortunately, Spike knew the Slayer was one death away from feeling isolated from her friends, and searching him out in his crypt. He wouldn't allow her to die again, even if it was only for a few months.

RERUN

Spike was getting used to the flashbacks, or whatever they were called. The pain caused by each one was also diminishing. The information he saw was never more than barely coherent, but it allowed him to get the general idea of many things he didn't know before. Having the knowledge of what he did, along with the knowledge of what others did was quite useful. He knew Buffy and the Scoobies were at her house, and they were discussing Glory as well as the Council. Beyond that, he had no idea. Still, it was a fairly good start.

Spike opened the front door to her house quietly. Walking in, he was able to hear parts of their conversation before anyone noticed.

"Giles I don't want them to come here!" Buffy explained to her Watcher. "I don't trust-"

"It's too late love," Spike said.

The entire group's eyes snapped to Spike upon hearing his voice. Spike came to rest as he leaned on the arm cushion of the couch. Looking down, he managed a small smile at Anya, Willow, and Tara who were all beside him. "Isn't that right?" Spike questioned as he looked at Giles.

"Well, yes," Giles replied, suddenly more concerned with Spike's presence than Glory or the council.

"You really should look into that spell," Xander said in Willow's direction. Even Spike knew Xander was talking about rescinding his invitation, so he couldn't walk into and out of the Summer's house freely.

"Hush boy, before I lick you to death." Spike said, clearly making a joke about his capabilities when it came to harming humans. His soul wouldn't allow much more than that, the group thought his chip wouldn't. Either way, Spike didn't feel like a complete liar.

For a brief second, Spike and Anya made eye contact. Anya broke the eye contact first, but did a double take. Immediately, Spike snapped his head back towards the direction of Buffy. He remembered the bar incident. He would have to avoid direct eye contact with Anya at all costs. It was obviously due to her demon past, but he still didn't know how Anya was able to tell he had a soul.

"Slayer, we need to talk?"

"Yeah…" Buffy said, looking between Spike, her friends, and her Watcher.

"Right then, well I'll be outside…" Spike left the house without another word.

RERUN

"Not nearly as tough the second time mate," Spike said in a confident tone. He spoke the truth, but he was still covered in a moderate amount of blood and wounds. Staring at the glowing green eyes in the darkness directly in front of him, Spike let out a short laugh. "You're telling me…your an all powerful demon…and you only got those same three tricks there? Well, the bugs are still a pain in-"

"The trials…are the trials…they have and always will be the same," the demon bellowed.

Spike let out a scoff. "Right then, so-"

"Few are allowed to complete the trials twice…" The demon bellowed again, his voice more angry than before.

"Well, I guess that makes me special then…" Spike shot the demon a smirk as he leaned his body against the wall of the cavern.

"Yes…your situation is…different than most."

Spike let out a sigh, growing tired of talking to a embodiment of pure evil and power. "Okay then…you know what I want…"

"Yes…"

Spike pushed off the wall. After a few moments of silence, Spike took a step forward. "Right then mate…wave your magic wand…or magic claw…or whatever…"

"What you ask for…I am not capable of…"

Spike eye's grew as he stared at the demon. "What?"

"I am not capable of granting what you wish…"

"Bloody hell," Spike spat, taking a step forward. "You could have told me that in the beginning!"

"You didn't ask…you merely asked to undergo the trials once-"

"Bollocks," Spike screamed, turning his body away from the demon as he started pacing. "A pure demon that's a smart arse…I've seen it all!"

"Enough!" The demon retorted, demanding respect. "You came seeking what I cannot give…there are ways…besides me…"

"A waste of my sodding time!" Spike spat, turning around and heading towards the exit of the cavern. Spike clenched his fists hard enough to break skin. He would have charged the demon. However, even a vampire that craved conflict and battle knew when he didn't stand a chance. That would end badly. Buffy and him both dead didn't have a happy ending. Hell, maybe it would actually be easier that way.

Buffy always found a way to beat the odds, even when she was outmatched. They were equally as strong as one another, but Buffy possessed something he lacked. She always found a way to defeat the never ending army of vampires, demons, and "Big Bads". Even if he found a way back, which obviously wouldn't be from this demon, what good would it do? Yeah, he would do things…better…the second time around. Regardless, he wouldn't be stronger…to defeat Glory he would have to let Buffy die again, to defeat the First he would have to give up his life again, and let countless other people give up theirs.

"I am capable of that…" The demon said in a pleased tone.

"Capable of what?" Spike questioned as he turned around.

Without a word, the demon approached him. Immediately, Spike understood. Closing his eyes, Spike waited for the excruciating pain once more.

RERUN

After some persuading, Buffy lifted her shirt slightly to expose the side of her torso. The wound was almost healed. After a second, Buffy dropped her shirt back down. Feeling uncomfortable, Buffy scooted away from Spike a few inches as she turned to face him.

"The vamp got you pretty good…" Spike said. Buffy gave him a blank expression. Glancing around Spike's crypt, Buffy tried not to make eye contact out of nervousness.

"A few of them have come…close…lately." Buffy's voice was barely above a whisper. Regardless, Spike still made out every syllable with ease.

"It makes sense" Spike replied. Buffy's eyes grew wide as she looked back into Spike's. "That run of the mill vamp got lucky…almost dusted you with your own stake." Spike continued, briefly staring down at the wad of cash between them. "And I wasn't there to…help you understand what you did wrong…"

"What are-How did you know about that?" Buffy questioned with a concerned voice.

"Before Riley dusted them," Spike replied in a lie, noticing Buffy's face when she said Riley's name. He wasn't looking forward to having to deal with a week or two of Buffy being upset due to her boy toy leaving. At least he wasn't around for Angel's departure. "The guy bragged to some friends. Rumors and gossips spread as quickly with the unholy and undead as the rest of you lot."

"Oh," Buffy said as she tried to keep her voice calm. Regardless, Spike could hear the worry in her tone. "Maybe that's why they've been more…persistent lately. They smell blood...they want to finish me off."

Spike looked at Buffy with worry. "Yeah, but I'm back…so you got another fighter on your side…against the best the Hellmouth can offer."

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. Leaning her shoulder against the back of the couch, Buffy let out a scoff as she rolled her eyes.

"What?" Spike asked in a slightly irritated. Even though he loved this woman, she was amazingly skilled at pressing his buttons.

Again, Buffy rolled her eyes as she broke eye contact with Spike. "You're on my side…"

"I am…and I have been for a little while now Slayer." Spike spat back.

"As long as that chip's in your head?" Buffy questioned as she raised her eyebrow.

"Sodding figures," Spike mumbled under his breath. "Look," Spike said in an irritated tone. "I don't want to get into this love…or waste my breath…and you won't believe a bloody thing I say anyway…so can we just get into story time?"

"Of course," Buffy replied, her voice holding a level of happiness. She was fully expecting Spike to give her a much more difficult time.

"And," Spike said, "Put the money away…"

"Why," Buffy started, almost as if she was trying to initiate a conflict with him, "Is the fact I'm bribing you…when you're…on my side…making the big bad feel bad?"

Spike rolled his tongue over his teeth. "I…don't want it." Spike said. "Put it away…NOW…or I'm not telling you a sodding thing. I'm serious Buffy."

Buffy picked up the wad of cash from the center of the couch. "Sorry…" Buffy replied in a slightly confused tone. What was his deal? He had to be up to something. He seemed way too…a lot of things.

Spike nodded his head, "Thanks…" and started his story.

RERUN

Spike's slowed down the pace of the story once he got towards the fight with the first Slayer. Standing up, Spike looked at Buffy. "Need something to eat…drink," Spike said correcting himself. "Want something?"

Buffy declined without a word. Shrugging his shoulders, Spike retrieved his snack. Popping an extra straw and lid on his cup, Spike headed back towards the couch. He plopped back down beside Buffy, taking a long sip of his drink.

"So…what happened?" Buffy said as she shifted in her seat.

"Well," Spike started. Again, he took down a sip of his drink. "She was…a little more serious than you." Buffy gave Spike a less than pleased look. "Asian girl obviously…highly trained with weapons and martial arts. She gave me this actually…" Spike stopped as he rubbed his hand over his brow line.

"I always kind of wondered about that…with the accelerated healing and everything…" Buffy's voice tapered off.

"Yeah…she got me good." Spike replied, shifting his weight on the couch to get more comfortable. "All the way down…even chipped the bone…and my healing has limits. You should know Slayer."

Buffy nodded her head as Spike motioned towards her abdomen. "Yeah…" was her only reply. Spike continued with his story.

"She uhhh…she almost dusted me love." Spike paused again as he searched for the right words. He was doing his best to leave out more details than in the first telling. Buffy would still get the point. Besides, he was mainly trying to intimidate, disgust, and scare her the first time he told the story. "Had me right against the wall….by this window…choking me…stake in hand…the whole thing pet."

"What h-" Buffy didn't get a chance to finish her statement as Spike answered her question.

"An explosion went off outside…knocked us both away from the window…saved my arse really." Spike paused to take a long sip from his beverage. "Got back up…fought some more…got the spike out of her hand."

Spike paused to see if Buffy had a reply. She didn't. She sat anxiously waiting to hear more like a young child with a bedtime story.

"It was a pretty vicious little scrap we had. No one was really winning…we were just beating the bloody hell out of each other." Spike paused for a moment, taking in a deep breath. Ashamed, Spike broke eye contact with Buffy as he looked down at the floor. "Until she reached for her stake…left an opening…I bit her neck…took a chunk out of her…and…that was it."

Buffy's eyes widened as she look at Spike. Spike returned her look. He remembered her look in graphic detail. Luckily, there wasn't as much hatred for him this time. Still, most of the horror and fear was still present.

"Listen love," Spike said as she scooted a few inches closer. "You always have to reach for your weapon. We…THEY…already have theirs." Spike opted out of changing form. He knew she got the message without the demonstration. "In that moment, you are vulnerable. If one of my…bumpy headed brethren time it right…or just get lucky…have one good day…that could be your end."

RERUN

Again, Spike opted out of any demonstrations. Instead of acting out the fight with Robin's mother, they both remained on the couch.

"What's the point…what's the lesson Spike?" Buffy asked in a disheartened tone. "She didn't reach for her stake…she didn't give you one small opening…you just…you beat her..."

"Buffy," Spike said in a compassionate tone. "She was…she was ready to go love."

"What?" Buffy questioned. Spike swallowed back hard, the glossiness of Buffy's eyes and the look on her face making it more difficult than expected.

"Deep down, every Slayer has a death wish." Spike said slowly. With caution, Spike did his best to make sure his tone was soft and not confrontational. He did not want Buffy thinking he was trying to intimidate and scare her. "Death is all around you…it's part of you…it's part of being a Slayer. A part of the Slayer…a part of you…wants it…not just to stop the stress, pain, worry…but because it is the Slayer…its your art."

"No," Buffy said, fighting back against tears.

"Buffy," Spike pleaded, hoping she would listen and not grow angry at him. "The reason…you've lasted so long…is because of your family, the Scoobies, everyone…you have ties to this world."

"No Spike," Buffy said, her voice shaking. Spike sped up his explanation as he could hear the anger slowly building up in her voice.

"You have to live for them…most Slayers are alone…you aren't….but be honest with me right now…okay…"

Buffy turned her face away from Spike. Wiping away the few tears that had fallen down her face, Buffy returned to looking at Spike with new resolve. "What?" Buffy questioned, her voice not shaking as badly as before.

"When things are hard…like they always are…like right now love…you go out every night…and you wonder…will this be THE night," Spike looked away, realizing his question was becoming more of a tangent. "Deep down…if it wasn't for your family…and friends…would you mind…as much?"

"Spike," Buffy replied.

"Would you?" Spike questioned again, refusing to let it go.

"Spike," Buffy said again more forcefully, fighting back against tears once more. She wasn't saying much. Regardless, Spike knew it was a mixture between begging and demanding him to stop.

"Well you can't Slayer…you can't think that way." Spike said as she shook his head. "Because we…" Spike quickly corrected himself, hoping Buffy didn't notice. "They…need you."

RERUN

"Are you sure you're okay?" Spike questioned as they headed towards the door to his crypt.

"Yes," Buffy replied with a hint of irritation.

"And you don't need me to walk you h-"

"I'm fine Spike," Buffy replied before Spike finished. For added effect, she reached down to one of her spikes underneath her coat. "Slayer…vampire slayer…and demons…remember?"

"Yeah…" Spike said as he managed a short chuckle. "Right…"

Spike stopped walking as the reached the steps by the door. Silently, he watched Buffy as she reached the door and opened it. Hesitating for a second, Buffy finally turned around with her hand still on the door. "Thanks…" Buffy said in a quiet voice. "For…acting human about this…"

"Yeah…no problem," Spike said, feeling slightly uncomfortable at her subtle compliment. Running a hand through his hair, Spike looked up at her. "Trying to stay on the good side of the lady with the stakes."

Buffy's managed a small smile at Spike's joke. Assuming the conversation was over, Spike turned around. After a few steps, Spike turned back around as Buffy called his name again.

"Yeah," he questioned.

"I…I don't know what you are doing…" Buffy said. "But even if you are being serious…this isn't some…" Buffy shrugged her shoulders as she tried to explain herself. "Some game to you…it doesn't change the things you've done…ALL the things you've done."

Spike nodded his head as he stared at the ground. Taking a deep breath, Spike looked back towards Buffy. "I know that Slayer. Nothing changes…or makes up for that…"

Buffy nodded her head as Spike looked back at her.

"But you know love," Spike said as he turned his body slightly. "I'm not even trying to make up for it…I did…what I did…" Spike let a scoff out as he dropped his eyes to the ground. "But I don't have to do it anymore…"

Again, Buffy managed a small smile. The worry on her face didn't change. "And Spike…"

"Slayer…" Spike said in a sarcastic tone.

Buffy's expression changed to one of absolute seriousness. "If this is some game…trick…whatever…you're not getting that chip out…even if its possible."

Spike let out a short chuckle. It really was a good thing she didn't know. "It's not…" he replied.

"Good…" Buffy said in a serious tone. Spike nodded. After a few seconds of silence, Buffy exited and closed the door behind her.