again edited by my wonderful beta icalyn! :)
We arrived at the house about three hours ago but Christian had to work so I decided to go out for a walk. It was perfect. I walk to the lake and go as far as the property allows me. I have time to think about what happened earlier today. David wants me to divorce Christian. Right now. I guess he knows they are losing me so they just want at least some of Christian's money.
But is that what I want? To divorce him and take his money? It is what I wanted. But what do I want now? I want Christian. Last night proved it. And this day has been wonderful, too. He has been so sweet and caring for me.
And the fact that is I have fallen in love with him.
That's it – I am staying. I don't care if David and my other 'friends' want me to divorce Christian. This is my life, my marriage, and I will stay with Christian.
When I came back Christian had organized dinner somehow. I see Christian who is willing to try for our child. I feel so sick knowing how much he trusts me when I have been so bad to him. If only he knew. But maybe it doesn't matter anymore – if we really tried to build a family for the child, what does matter anymore? I love him, I must admit. And maybe someday he will love me, too.
"This was tasty," I say as I finish my food while Christian is still eating his. He smiles at me as he takes a forkful of the steak.
"Hungry?" Christian asks, smirking.
"I am eating for two by the way," I say and place my hand on my belly. Only six weeks but I have managed to live with the fact that inside me is growing a life. A baby. My and Christian's baby. And right now I don't think I could place him for adoption. I know that our baby is going to have two parents. Because we both will try.
"Maybe you want more?" He says, offering me his plate.
"I shouldn't eat that much, I will not only be pregnant but also fat," I say, starting to imagine myself big and fat. Will Christian want to try when I get bigger?
"Ana, you are going to be beautiful no matter what. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever had a chance to know. And pregnancy is going to make you look even better." Does he really mean it? Why does he have to be so perfect? So wonderful towards me and so sweet.
"Well, maybe then just a bite of that meat, if you don't want it yourself," I say, looking at the tasty steak on his plate. He places a bite on the fork and moves it to my mouth. "Mmm..." I moan as I chew the perfectly cooked steak.
"You can have it all. I think I am full," Christian says, placing his plate in front of me.
I smile at him and accept his offer. Yes, I am hungry. After all, today's events were pretty stressful and I have a right to eat what and how much I want.
"Thank you," I say as I finish his food. This was very tasty I have to say. I wonder how Christian manages to have people around him do everything he needs. This house, the meals – everything was so wonderful.
"Ana, can you come with me to the living room?" Christian asks as he stands up and walks to me.
"Yes," I say and stand up too, letting him take my hand and lead me to the living room. He intertwines our fingers, and I smile at that. I think I am the luckiest woman alive. After being so bad and doing so many wrong things I have Christian.
"Christian?" I say as we walk in the half lighted room. On the little table there are a few things I didn't see before.
"Let's sit down Ana. There is something I need to tell you," he says, and we sit down on the couch, facing each other. "Maybe you will run away after you hear this. But if you don't, I want us to celebrate this night. To celebrate our wedding because that's what you deserve. But first, I need to tell you something that no one else knows," Christian says, his eyes darkening. "I have a rough past. I was adopted at the age of four, but before that my life was hell," he said as he took off his tee shirt. I looked at his perfect chest, thinking about how much I want to touch it, to caress it.
He takes my hand and places it over the few scars that are on his chest. "You are the first woman that has touched me here," he says, squeezing my palm. "I got the scars when I was just a little kid. These are cigarette burns, Anastasia." He releases my hand and speaks again.
"All my life I have hated that woman who gave birth to me. She let them do this to me. And it has affected me all my life. Before I tell you the next part, I want you to know that no matter what I will do anything for you and our child."
What could be so bad that would make me leave?
"Before you the only relationships I had were one night stands and Dominant/Submissive relationships."
Dominant/Submissive? Is this what I think…
"Before we start our marriage, like, again, I want us both to be completely honest with each other. And if you have any secrets or demons from the past, you can tell me. Fresh start."
My heart stops beating. I have demons from past. I have plenty of them. I don't know how I have managed to hide them – in the very early days of our relationship I signed a Non Disclosure Argument. And also I overheard him talking with someone about me, about my background check. No one knows who I was. Who I was before I fell in love with him.
"Before I met you, I only had sexual relationships with women. And it was not traditional sex. I tied them up, I fucked them senseless, I slapped them, I spanked them… it was rough and hard. All of them were similar – brunettes, who reminded me of my birth mother. By punishing them, I punished my mother."
It all comes back to me, everything. What David said about me wanting to be fucked senseless. Oh God, he is so honest, so true. Tears are in my eyes.
"But this is different, Ana. When you came into my office, I was so lucky because my mysterious wife had been found. I thought we would get a divorce and never see each other again. And then you told me you were pregnant. I was shocked and scared. I didn't want to be a father, Ana. I honestly didn't even believe you at first."
Oh God, if only he knew the truth behind everything.
"But when I saw the baby on the screen and heard our child's heartbeat, everything changed. And that night you came to me and I was so afraid you weren't right because you looked hurt. But I was still afraid – I specifically tried not to meet you because I didn't want to change anything. I was scared of something going wrong if we started a relationship. But then, after another meeting with my psychologist, I realized that I need to try. That's why I have taken you here. I want to start all over again. Anastasia, please say something. And tell me anything you need to tell me, if there is something. Let's start this right."
I start crying. I can't.
I can't be with him and hide everything. I can't tell him everything because then he would leave me. But I love him. I love him now, isn't this what really matters? That I want us to be together, he wants it too.
I need to think. I stand up and excuse myself, running out of the room. I get out of the house and walk to the lake. I sit down on the grass and cry. Cry hard.
I am not angry with Christian for what he told me. I am shocked. But since I grew up with stuff, even his type of relationships before me is not something huge for me. But I understand him. I stole because I hated my life. Maybe that was his 'bad habit'. And with me he has been perfect. He has been the sweetest man I have ever had a chance to know.
I pick up a flower from the grass. Tell him, don't tell him, tell him… I play the old game with the petals.
Don't tell him.