For you...
Enjoy...
...or I'll hurt you.
:S. Devilin:
Over the river and through the woods, Kagome goes to Grandma's House—Oh! Excuse me…Kagome isn't going to Grandma's house. Grandma has been dead for three years. But Kagome was going somewhere…another up-and-coming romantic comedy clichéd setting for this ridiculous parody: CAMP!
Good ol' camp! A bleak and miserable place usually located in a barren forest away from civilization and sanity with Lions and Tigers and Bears…OH MY!
"I can't WAIT to go to camp!" Kagome exclaimed to her mother, who was driving.
"Really?" Her mother said in an unexcited tone.
"I just can't wait to see Sango and Miroku again! And I can't wait for all the fun activities this year! I'm going to go kayaking, and swimming, and make s'mores and—"
"Kagome…"
"Yes mom?"
"We're here."
Kagome got out of the car fueled with excitement. Kagome can't wait, she simply can't wait! Yes sir, she can't wait…TO GET BACK IN THE CAR!
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!" Kagome screamed. Kagome's mom drove off. Actually, drove off isn't strong enough. More like zoomed away from here traumatized and upset daughter at warp speed. At with this, we return to Kagome standing stupidly as if in a trance, staring at the sign towering above her head. In pitch black bold lettering, it screamed the words,
"BOOT CAMP"
Now this shit wasn't fair! Kagome hasn't done anything wrong!
Maybe except for the time she got so drunk she broke every priceless vase her mother owned and burned Sota's only copy of his birth certificate in a dare…
And then there was the time where she got caught smoking weed in the Higurashi Shrine with Koga and his high best friends…
Oh, and that time she almost killed the cafeteria lady at her school for Satan-knows-what, and got suspended for almost an entire month…
This list can go on for days…
Back to Kagome, who solemnly walked to the iron gates of "Hell". Two buff guards stood at either side of the gate with large guns at hand. One had an eye patch on and the other had, like, three thousands scars on his face. Typical.
"Name?" The guard with the eye patch asked rudely. He had a German accent.
Oh no…it's worse than I thought!
IT'S A NAZI BOOT CAMP! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"K-k-Kagome…Kagome Higurashi…" Kagome stammered. The guards stared at her.
"We've been expecting you…maggot." The guard with the eye patch finally said. Kagome walked through the gates, frazzled, and looked at her new surroundings: Large, menacing dogs with razor–sharp teeth. Nazi symbols everywhere. Barb-wire fencing all around. Watch towers with more armed guards. No greenery in sight. And what's more? Everyone and their momma who worked there was a Nazi, or acted like one, or should have BEEN one. The campers were just as miserable as Kagome. Except of course for the choice few that actually enjoy it…let's just say those are the usually clichéd people who find horrible places like Boot Camps and Prisons as their true home…but they don't matter, now do they?
"ALRIGHT MAGGOTS LINE UP! HUP- TWO! HUP-TWO!" Someone barked. All the campers scrambled into a single file line, just like in the movies!
"WELCOME TO CAMP HELL, MAGGOTS! THE NEXT FEW WEEKS WILL BE THE MOST GRUELING, LONG, HORRIFIC WEEK OF YOUR MISERABLE, MISERABLE LIVES! YOU ALL MESSED UP AND NOW YOU'RE HERE, AND WE ARE GOING TO WHIP YOU TURDS INTO SHAPE! DO YOU UN-DER-STAND ME?!?"
Kagome and the other campers subconsciously shouted back "SIR! YES. S—" hey paused to look around to find the person who was yelling at them. Not a sole stuck out to them.
"ARE YOU BLIND, MAGGOTS? DOWN HERE!" The screaming voice said in annoyance.
They all looked down to see…Hakudoushi!
Hakudoushi was dressed like Adolf Hitler—which makes too much sense to the authoress—and he was holding a large carnival-sized lollipop.
"Hakudoushi?" Kagome spoke up, confused. "You're the drill sergeant?"
"What? It can't always be Shippo and Rin all the time, damn it! And I am NOT a drill sergeant! I own this camp, fool!" Hakudoushi showed her a photo album. On one page, there was a picture of Hakudoushi in a cap and gown, graduating from Dictator College (with honors, of course), and on another there was a certificate confirming he can establish his own Boot Camp, force signed by the military.
"NO MORE QUESTIONS!" Hakudoushi screamed, slamming the book shut and licking his lollipop. "YOU WILL NOT CALL ME HAKUDOUSHI, YOU WILL CALL ME GENERAL HAKUDOUSHI! NOT GENERAL LOLLIPOP LIKE SOME OF OUR OLD MAGGOTS USED TO CALL ME!" (Snicker from the campers.) "TIME TO SEPARATE YOU MAGGOTS INTO GROUPS! OKAY MEN, TAKE OVER!" The counselors, Naraku, Kagura, Sesshomaru, and Bankotsu, called out the names of their doomed campers and sent them to work. Hakudoushi went off somewhere to finish his lollipop in peace.
Kagome was in Naraku's group. They say only the worst are in HIS group. Along with her were Juuromaru, Shippo, Hiten, and that demoness Hiten punched at the beginning of the show and who else?
None other than INUYASHA, baby!
Kagome couldn't help to notice him as Naraku was shouting (in this German accent that I KNOW he didn't have in the show) how miserable he was going to make them for the rest of their life…if he hasn't done that already with his presence. Inuyasha hasn't noticed her yet, though. The troop was lead to their first field training.
"This is the most grueling training field ever devised. This has made soldiers cry and sailors ask for their mommies…" Naraku stated. "You are going to go through every wall spike and pit on it! Starting…NOW! GO! GO! GO!"
Kagome (It's all about Kagome and Inuyasha now) ran through the mud and started climbing the fifty-foot brick wall and jumped down. She carefully ran through the skinny log bridge that was placed over a pit of super-sharp spikes and got on her knees and tried crawling through more mud with a barb-wire net dangerously close to her back. As she was carefully trying to get through the tight wire passage without getting injured, her long hair got caught in the wire. She couldn't move, until a certain half-demon came up by her side and took her hair out of the wires.
"Thank you…" Kagome said. Inuyasha smiled.
"No problem." Inuyasha replied.
"KEEP GOING MAGGOTS!" Naraku yelled through a megaphone. Kagome and Inuyasha quickly decided to go through it together. As Naraku watched them, General Lollipop—I mean.—Hakudoushi came up to watch with him while licking another large lollipop.
"They're in love, sir." Naraku reported. "See those little tiny hearts floating around them as they go through the tar pits?"
Whatever he said above, goes here, ladies and transvestites…
"…Keep an eye on those two." Hakudoushi said between licks of his lollipop. "They might use the power of love to start a revolt. And thus…I return to my lollipop."
(Two Weeks Later…)
"What. Did. I. Tell. You. Sergeant Naraku?!?" Hakudoushi snapped. Hakudoushi and the drill sergeants were hanging from the flagpoles by their underwear.
"It won't happen again, sir." Naraku said shamefully.
"IT'S TOO LATE FOR APOLOGIES! IF WE SURVIVE THIS, I'M GOING TO LOCK YOU UP IN A CATHOLIC CHURCH, SO YOU CAN BE BLESSED TO DEATH!" Hakudoushi then whipped out ANOTHER lollipop. "At least I still have you." He started licking it until drill sergeant Kagura smacked it out of his hand. The candy fell ten feet to the ground and broke. General Lollipop started crying.
Sooo…what happened you ask?
….Wouldn't you like to know? Well, Inuyasha and Kagome fell quite in love. They had the same hobbies, likes, dislike, yadda-yadda-yadda…and then came up with a brilliant plan one night after their troop sergeant Naraku left to turn over the Boot Camp. They got some of the brightest and strongest of all the other troops along with theirs to help them.
How did they become convinced? I don't know…haven't thought that through…
Anyhow, they got discovered doing some of that LIME-Y goodness one night by one of the guards, and they were sent to Solitary Confinement rooms. At this time, they broke out in the worst thing you could possibly imagine:
A song about how much they love each other and how they're going to get through whatever…TOGETHER…bleh…
But that was part of the plan, to get the keys and start the revolt. All the campers threw rocks, started shooting, and whatever else you can think of. Haven't you seen movies like this? You should know…
And what's more, in the middle of the revolt, they start making out like the idiots that they are…
Goddamn it you two! I hope your lips get shot off! Up here kissing while people are killing each other…
Whatever. Well, this is the end of the Nazi Boot Camp as we know it, and the end of the chapter. Inuyasha and Kagome get married and they both join the Marines, and die in warfare. That is enough of that. No need for anymore action. Naughty or not. Whatever you have to say, doesn't matter. But remember, never make out with your insignificant other in the heat of battle, or your lips will get shot off…
…or worse.
I'm NOT A NAZI!
(But I like their uniforms! XD)