The day followed with Finn and Rae lounging around the house, eating, watching television, listening to music and bickering about which bands were better than others. There was also the occasional kiss, here and there. Most times Finn would initiate them, but more than once, Rae took it upon herself to lay one on Finn. And he smirked at her, knowing that she was starting to be comfortable with him and this whole crazy, wonderful thing that was happening with them.
Later on, after the whole day of staying indoors, they made plans with the gang to meet up at the park. Upon arriving there, most of the gang was there except for Izzy and Chop. Rae wondered what they might have been up to.
"Hiya, guys!" said Archie, slumping against the brick wall behind him, snapping open a beer.
"Hey!" said, Rae, Finn and Chloe in unison.
Chop and Izzy walked over then, laughing. "Hey guys!" they said, Chop's arm around Izzy.
"Hey!" was heard sporadically through out the group.
Rae and Finn sat down next to each other, Finn gently resting his arm around Rae's shoulder. And that was the extent that they would go in front of anyone. They were both private and saved the kissing and other activities for behind closed doors.
Also, they had just told the gang about them only two days ago, so Rae was sure the adjustment was going to take them all a while.
Chloe was staring in their direction, not even trying to do it inconspicuously. Rae thought Chloe was probably thinking how could Finn stomach being with Rae, and Chloe was right, Rae didn't understand how he could either. But he did, and that's all she was bothered to care about.
"So what have you lovebirds been up to?" asked Archie.
"Not much, Arch. Just listening to music, hanging out. Not much as changed, you know." said Finn.
"Rae, can I talk to you for a moment." Chloe quickly announced.
"Sure." Said Rae, knowing Chloe was going to say something she didn't want to hear.
"Izzy." Chloe called."
The three girls met down the field from where they started and Chloe dove right in.
"So have you guys made out?" she inquired, and right away Rae blushed, somewhat prepared for the question, but then not prepared at all. She had never really made out with a boy until Finn.
"Yeah." She said, a little giddy to spill all of the details, he face redder than a tomato.
"Oh my god, that's wonderful!" said Izzy.
"Have you done anything else?" Chloe inquired.
"Em, we've just made out a few times, a touch or feel here or there, nothing too crazy. I- we want to take a slow."
"That's good, Rae. The way you'd talk, I thought you might have jumped his bones first thing." Chloe said.
"Nah, I mean, I didn't really mean those things. And Finn is so special and nice. I don't want to ruin it. "
"Yeah, you're right. I'm so happy for you though, Rae. I really am. I'm just worried though. And you know, I'm you're best mate and I love ya, but what if Finn doesn't like what he sees when you guys finally decide to have sex?"
Rae was stunned by Chloe's question. Izzy slouched back, her mouth slightly open with shock. How could Chloe ask such a thing?
Rae stammered, trying to regain the ability to speak. "I dunno, he seems to like me just the way I am, me being big obviously no secret. Why would he have a problem with it when my clothes are off?"
"Because, you know, Rae. He's a guy and guys are stupid and want one thing one moment and one thing the next. All I'm saying is, be careful." Chloe patted Rae on the shoulder and walked past her, back to the group.
Rae stood there, not looking back, still stunned at how much of a bitch Chloe was.
For the first time Izzy something against Chloe, "Don't listen to her Rae. She's just jealous you got Finn and she's got nobody. You're beautiful and Finn likes you just the way you are, yeah?"
Rae liked Izzy so much. She was so kind and just such a wonderful person, " Thanks Izzy." Rae, said, hugging her. And the walked back to the group together.
Later that evening, Rae went home after having a small make-out session with Finn in his car. But she couldn't shake the feeling Chloe had left her with. What if her body repulsed Finn if and when he saw it? What if he ran out of her house screaming killer whale?
She flipped the light on in her room and turned her mirror towards her. Her reflection had gotta somewhat better to look at, but right now, she thought she was the most hideous person in the world. She stared down at her large thighs and at the roundness of midsection. She hated her body, she hated herself and she still didn't know how to deal with it. What as even harder, was that she didn't know how to deal with someone else loving her just the way she was, because she couldn't even bear to look in a mirror.
She turned the mirror away from her, a deep, fierce sadness settling itself inside her chest. She so desperately wanted to escape from this pit of despair that she found herself in sometimes. She wanted to be normal, or rather, healthy. She didn't want Finn to be the thing that made her love herself, because what would happen if he was just gone one day, or they broke up, or whatever? Then she would feel 10 times shittier than before.
No, she needed to love herself for herself. But it was so hard when she looked in the mirror and wanted to smash it to bits. Rae slumped to the ground, tears cascading down her face, her chest heaving in and out. She hated this, she hated this feeling, she just wanted to all go away. She laid her head on the carpet, sobbing until she fell asleep.