Part IX
The first mission he takes once they're back together is the worst. Because try as she might, she can't stop worrying about whether he'll come home.
He's explained to her that he can't stop. That this is his job. It's what he does. But she knows it's deeper than that. Deep down, he loves it. He craves it. He's addicted to the adrenaline, to the challenge—not just the physical feats, but the intellectual side. It's like playing chess with life. It's his calling.
She can't change it—he's been in the life too long. So when he wakes before the sun comes up, and kisses her and tells her he'll be gone for a few weeks—inside, she cries. It hurts to know he can love something more than he does her.
She puts up a brave face. She walks him to the door, and she hugs him. His grip is tight, as he squeezes her, momentarily taking her breath away. He doesn't say goodbye. It's for death, he's told her before, and he's not dead yet. At the time, he said it with a smile that didn't reach his eyes, but she knows that she can't stop him. Only he can stop him, in his own time, at his own moment.
Tool has explained to her that every man has his moment. Barney's has just yet to come.
She's learning to accept it. Most of the time she knows when he's leaving—but it's not knowing when, or if, he's coming back, that's the hardest part.
The introduction to the rest of the team comes slowly and happens at random. Barney splits his time between his shop, and their home. It's technically hers, but he's invested so much time and effort into restoring it, she considers it theirs.
The first person she meets is Yang. And that's because, one day, Barney tells her he's bringing a friend over for dinner. She's curious, but she goes about preparing one of the few things she knows how to cook. A stir-fry. Quick and easy, and hard to mess up.
She hears cars pull up to the driveway and the door open. Heavy-footsteps announce his arrival and that of his friend as they walk into the kitchen where she is.
"Isobel, this is Yang. Yang, Isobel." Barney's introductions are brief, and she reaches out a hand to Yang and he takes it in a shake.
"Nice to meet you," she says with a smile. He looks at Barney, looks at her, and smiles back.
"You too, Izzy."
.
She meets Toll Road and Hale at a bowling outing.
She's just bowled three strikes and a spare and is in the process of reveling in the fact that she's kicking Barney's ass in something. He's sitting back with a beer, and he and Toll Road are exchanging barbs, while her partner, Hale Caesar, is focused—measuring the angle of the ball to that of the arrows pointing the way.
She's cheering on Hale while laughing at Barney's piss-poor showing. Her grandfather taught her how to bowl, and she's been kicking ass and taking names since she was six. There's no way the other guys are winning, although, as soon as Hale bowls a perfect strike, and Barney and Toll Road crack up, she realizes it's going to be an uphill battle to win.
But win she will.
.
Gunner is next and that happens at Barney's shop.
He's working on her car—not the Mercedes, but her charger. It's due for an oil change, and since Barney did the restoration, he feels a sense of ownership to it. Subsequently, it can't go up the street to the Super Lube—that would be sacrilege to Mr. Ross. He's very specific about her car's needs and maintenance and insists on doing it himself.
So it's there, on a slow Sunday afternoon, that Barney's got the car up on the lift and is busy changing the oil as she sits at the top of the stairs in the back that lead to his apartment.
Mountain's "Masters of War" is blaring from the speakers and she's got a book out reading while Barney works.
A jingle at the front of the shop announces a customer and Barney wipes his hands on his jeans and sticks his head out from under the car just long enough to see a tall, blond and slightly disheveled man walk in.
"Gunner!" He calls out, and then steps toward the hulking figure.
Gunner's at least a good five inches taller than Barney, and twice as brawny, but he grins a crooked grin and Barney embraces him in a man-hug and slaps him on the back before turning back to the car.
"There's someone I need you to meet," he says and looks up toward where she is, with her book.
She stands, stretches, the bottom of her shirt inadvertently creeping up to expose her belly. It's extremely hot and humid that day and she's got on a long skirt and a tank top. As she walks down and sees both men looking at her—she kind of wishes she'd worn a bra. It's not like she was expecting to meet anyone that day.
She reaches the bottom of the stairs and walks up to them as Barney introduces her.
"Isobel, this is Gunner. Gunner, this is Isobel. And yes, she's occupied."
It makes her crack up, and Gunner laughs too, before making an exaggerated bow and stutters out a greeting.
She's finding she likes Barney's friends. She knows what they all do, and even with Gunner, who's practically tongue-tied around her, she can see that they're all good men.
.
When she meets Lee, it's not under the best of circumstances.
She's met everyone but the co-captain, and she doesn't push it. She knows of Lee, and she knows that Lee knows of her, but they've never formally met, and she doesn't question Barney about the why's of it. Everything happens according to its own time with her lover, and so she's figured, it just hasn't been the right time.
One night, she's awakened by a strong shock of thunder. It rocks the house and jolts her from sleep. Its then she realizes, she's in the bed alone.
Barney likes to keep late hours, so she gets up, wraps the sheet around her, and walks out of the bedroom and down the hall. The lights are on downstairs, and she figures, that's where he is. She doesn't hear them talking until she walks into the living room and sees two men sitting across from each other, looking deep in conversation.
She turns to go back up the stairs, but Barney's seen her, and while the sheet pretty much hides everything, she still feels awkward meeting his best friend without proper clothes on.
But Barney beckons her over anyway.
He reaches for her, and guides her into his lap.
"Izzy, this is Lee."
She's tired and stifles a yawn as she tries to smile. But something about Lee just looks so sad, and she can't help but feel a bit sorry for him.
"You two need to talk," Barney says, and slides her to the couch as he gets up and leaves the room.
It's quiet, and sort of awkward, and really, not the situation that she thinks she should be in in the wee hours of morning, but for a trained soldier and mercenary, poor Lee looks at a complete loss.
"What's wrong, Lee?" she asks.
She doesn't know him but thinks that for some reason, Barney thinks she's the best to help Lee solve it.
"You're a woman-" he starts, and she tries not to laugh at the obvious turn of phrase.
"So tell me, what do I have to do to prove to this woman that I love her?" He says, before burying his head in his hands.
Now she knows why Barney has done this. Poor Lee is in the same place they once were. But she knows that not every woman will accept this. And as Lee pours out his story with his fiancé, Lacy, she realizes how fortunate she is to have Barney, and how, she too, could be Lacy—if she were at a different point in her life.
And this is how she meets Lee—because she has to tell him the truth—that if it's REALLY love—then he can't push it. And if it's really meant to be, it will be. But if it's not, then it won't. That he can't force a love that's not there.
She's trying to explain it all—the complexities, that she and Barney have been through—seeing as how Barney was Lee a few years ago. But it's hard, and she can tell, he doesn't understand it. But as Lee turns to go, he looks back at them, and there's something in his eyes—maybe…hope? Or maybe he's picturing her as Lacy. And himself in Barney's place. She doesn't know him well enough, but she likes him. And she hopes she's wrong, because she firmly believes he's heading for heartbreak.
At any rate, she likes Lee. And she trusts him, most of all, with Barney's life.
She's not impressed when she meets Lacy.
Barney has told her about the cheat, or rather, as he phrased it, the half-cheat.
He tried to stay neutral, but she can tell Barney really, really, really doesn't like Lacy. That's made clear enough when the boys come back into town, and she meets them all at Tool's bar. She herself has just gotten in—one of those rare times when her travel schedule and Barney's schedule sync up perfectly. She sees the line of bikes outside Tool's and spots Barney's immediately. As she climbs out of her Mercedes, her heart beats a little faster in excitement.
She walks in, clad in skinny jeans tucked into high-heeled, knee-high boots, a sleeveless high-necked silk shirt and leather jacket zipped up. Her hair is unruly this evening—it's been a long trip and the humidity has gotten to it, making it wave up in its natural state and frame her face like a black and brown halo. She checks her watch—a dark brown leather Paneri with a sleek gold frame- a gift from Barney a year ago. He likes watches, extremely expensive ones at that.
It's a Thursday night—the weekend revelers haven't quite made it in, and the working stiffs fill the room. The music is mellow—a little Joe Crocker and Iggy Pop, Bob Dylan.
She sees them in the back, at their usual tables, the cigar smoke already thick from the Cubans they, or rather Barney, loves to smoke.
She hates them, personally, but hell, if being shot, stabbed, smothered, chained, beaten and burned haven't killed Barney yet—she strongly doubts the Cigars will.
She makes her way to the group and is greeted with smiles as the guys move over and make way so she can sit next to Barney.
He's got on a plain white t-shirt, faded blue jeans and heavy boots, and his favorite light-brown leather jacket.
He leans over, gives her a quick peck on the lips, and goes back to conversation. Under the table, her fingers wrap around his as Hale calls out, "give the lady a beer!"
One appears before her and she sips it gently, listening at the friendly banter between the men. Everyone is engaged, and Barney and Lee are snarking at one another as Lee fixates on a woman at the bar.
She turns and smiles his way, blowing a kiss toward their table.
Izzy frowns.
The woman turns, leans over the bar, her low-cut top revealing too much cleavage (in Izzy's opinion) to the drooling bartender and the two men beside her.
This must be Lacy, she thinks, and tries to school her face into one of Barney's neutral expressions. She's not too good at that, though, and he's told her on more than one occasion that he can tell exactly what's going through her head just by the look on her face.
The woman bounces up and they all scoot over to make room for her again as she perches on Lee's lap. The man looks so pleased, but Izzy isn't buying it, and neither, she can tell, is Barney. Her fingers stroke his under the table in their own quiet code of communication and Lee introduces her.
"Lace, this is Izzy, Izzy, this is my fiancé, Lacy."
She looks at Lee and Lee is looking at Lacy and Lacy is looking at her with a smile plastered on her face. She extends her hand and Izzy takes it, smiling a closed lip smile.
"Nice to finally meet you! Lee said Barney had a girlfriend, but I just didn't buy it. Wow. You're beautiful!" she says, and Izzy can tell she means the compliment, but it's the use of "girlfriend" that's not sitting well.
She's more than Barney's "girlfriend". In fact, he's never been her "boyfriend". It's juvenile, but she can see that Lacy just doesn't know any better.
The woman is…Isobel can't find the words.
Barney gives her hand a squeeze and the guys get up- Gunner, Toll Road and Yang, for a round of pool, Hale—to talk to a pretty girl sitting alone at the bar, and Lee and Barney—to step outside. Leaving her with Lacy.
When the men leave, the other woman turns to her and drops her voice.
"So, how long have you and Barney been together?" She asks.
"Seven years."
"How do you do it? I mean, you don't worry that when he's away, there could be someone else?"
"Trust is love. If you don't trust him, you don't love him. It's just like that."
She tries to speak plainly, without giving too much away, and it seems she's struck a nerve, because Lacy looks down, her hair falling into her face. Izzy knows, she's getting close to a truth—whether it'll be good for Lee or not is another matter.
"How do you deal with it?" Lacy looks up at her, her eyes bright with tears and Izzy finds herself feeling just a little sorry for the woman. It's obvious she's not secure in her relationship with Lee. That she's looking for some kind of reassurance, but Izzy has been there, done that—and in the end—she herself knows that the questions Lacy wants answered, she can't give them.
"I love Barney. ALL of Barney. The good. All of the Bad. I love him, and he loves me. And the rest, we just let it be. But that works for us. And it took us seven years. This life isn't for everybody. But you have to be honest- first with yourself. And then, with him."
She leaves it at that. She can't help Lacy, and she can't help Lee. All she can do is be honest. And right now, she honestly, wants to go home. So she gets up, bids Lacy goodbye, waves to the guys still inside, and walks out into the cold, breezy night air.
Lee and Barney turn when they see her.
She walks into Barney's arms, gives him a brief hug, and tells him she'll see him tonight—maybe. Sometimes, he still crashes at the shop.
He tells her he's got some things to finish up tonight—so crashing at the shop it is. But he's quick to say he'll be home before she wakes up. To which she smiles, and climbs into her car and drives off.