There are some dirty jokes in this one. I tried my best to get into the Strider mindset with the humor, but if I screwed up please let me know!

I do not own Homestuck. Dirk is going to chop the meteor in half and that is how Karkat is going to get the brakes he wants oh-so much. CALLING IT!

Dirk's mouse hovered over the chat room link for the second time. It had been a few days since he had been on the site. Between chatting up Roxy and trying to spend as much time as he could with Jake he hadn't given it a second thought. But it was another one of those nights where Jake didn't want to hang and there was nothing else for him to do.

His own chat client popped up, letting him know Roxy was available for a conversation. He wasn't logged in, but her drunken typos started scrolling along the screen anyway. As fun as talking philosophy with a drunken Roxy could be, after his disaster of a date with Jake the day prior he was in no mood for another love confession.

He closed the IM window and clicked the link. carcinoGeneticist, as expected, was the only one in his room.

timaeusTestified began trolling at 11:10pm

CG: Oh fuck.

CG: You again?

TT: Seriously, what does a guy have to do to get a simple 'hello' around here?

CG: If you weren't an uncivilized nooksniffer, maybe I would be more pleasant

TT: I'm calling your bluff

CG: You are absolutely right

CG: There's no getting anything past you

TT: Nobody knows bluffs like I do.

TT: I go for walks sometimes on the beach. And then I stand on the edge of that precipice and stare off into the distance.

TT: The sunset bathes my silhouette in light and the waves crash onto the bluff, making tiny sparkles

TT: Guys and girls alike swoon because I am just so fucking awesome. I am the quintessential anime seaside bluff character.

CG: I bet you're some kind of sick pervert and you get off on trying to make me squirm with all of your nonsense.

CG: well guess what jackass?

CG: I am sitting over here with a stoic expression on my face not even twitching so much as a goddamn eyelid

CG: I am as stiff as a fucking board

CG: so what now?

TT: pffft

CG: what?

CG: Wait!

CG: NO FUCK THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!

TT: you typed it, not me.

TT: If I'd known I was going to be dealing with a pervert I would have gone elsewhere.

CG: I'M the pervert?

CG: You were the one who assumed there was a sexual connotation!

TT: How would you know?

TT Maybe I didn't assume it was perverted until you brought up the fact that there was a double entendre.

TT: Maybe I was laughing because I think the word eyelid is fucking hilarious. Did you even stop to consider that?

CG: I hate you so goddamn much.

TT: Is that a pickup line in Alternia? I just remembered that's where nooksniffer originated.

CG: Don't flatter yourself.

TT: I think it is.

CG: FUCK YOU

CG: I may have fucked up my relationships

CG But that does not mean I'm desperate enough to go find the first tool online who will have anything to do with me and start cyber sexting or whatever the fuck it's called.

TT: I will give you credit for the fact that I genuinely believe you don't know what cybering is.

TT: But I can't say I'm surprised you're single if you act like this irl

CG: You don't even fucking understand

CG: You didn't fucking have to deal with being an outcast in a society where oh look it's time for you to mind your own goddamn business!

TT: If it wasn't so clichéd, I would tell you about how hard I am rolling my eyes at you

TT: Don't go around blaming society for your inability to be pleasant human being

TT: It's not like you're the only one with relationship problems

CG: Oh, yeah, Mr. IAMSOFUCKINGCOOL? Mr. IWISHYOUWOULDJUMPOFFTHATBLUFFANDDROWN?

CG: I bet you're some old creepass who live in his parents' basement and has never gotten laid.

TT: You shouldn't go around assuming that everybody you meet online is the exact same as you

CG: I do not fucking live with my parents, you do not get to know my fucking age, and I have gotten laid thank you very much.

TT: There's no reason to thank me.

TT: It's not like I was the one getting you off, unless you really do get a boner every time you see my beautiful orange text flash across your screen

CG: You depraved fucktard.

CG: Get out.

TT: You're free to log out anytime too

CG: This is my chat room and I refuse to let you drive me out.

TT: You'd rather be driving in?

CG: GODDAMNIT WHY DO YOU EXIST?

carcinoGeneticist has ceased trolling

timaeusTestified began trolling at 11:23pm

TT: Before you start with your oh so pleasant greeting, I have a question for you.

TT: Last time, I mentioned Alternia, and you didn't comment. Is that really where you live?

CG: I grew up there, but I don't live there anymore.

CG: My current address is mind your own business you fucking stalker.

TT: Chill. I was just looking for a country of origin to explain your attitude problem.

TT: But my bro knows Alternians and he likes them, so I guess the mystery that is the stick up CG's ass remains as such.

CG: What is with your perverted obsession? Are you some kind of faggot?

TT: Yes.

CG: what?

TT: I'm homo. If you have a problem with it then that's just too damn bad.

CG: Fuck

CG: No

CG: I didn't think you actually were

CG: I thought it was just some hetero putting on an act

CG: I thought you would at least deny it either way

TT: That whole 'coming out of the closet' thing?

TT: I was never in the closet. I was always open about it with my friends, so why should I care what some douche on the other end of the internet thinks?

CG: Hey, I am trying to offer some sort of metaphoric olive branch, at least on the subject of your orientation.

CG: If you want to be a nooksniffer and push it away, fine.

CG: I don't give two shits about your orientation.

CG: But you are still a jackass

TT: You really know how to apologize.

CG: Why don't you just take that sarcasm and shove it so far down your fucking throat that you asphyxiate?

TT: Insults aside, why are you even backing off on the subject of my sexuality?

CG: That was one of the things I couldn't stand when the US annexed Alternia.

CG: There are some tolerant people. But then there are people who are less tolerant. Society at large is a bunch of fuckasses who discriminate based on something so unimportant.

TT: You gay too?

CG: I am not looking for online romance you nooksniffer! Didn't I explain that already?

TT: I was just curious, but I'll take that as a yes.

CG: Both

TT: What?

CG: I'm bi. If you're going to be commenting on it at least get it fucking right!

TT: I don't suppose the lack of understanding for your orientation is the root of all your angst?

CG: Oh you figured me out. Clearly that is the source of every single fucking problem I have.

CG: Tell me, oh great and all-knowing therapist, what is the next step? Should I go out and proclaim my love to both genders in a soliloquy, and tell all the fag-haters that I can accept their opinion as well

CG: Should I go out and try to woo the next unsuspecting person I see on the street, and get my heart broken or worse? Should I then smile and say its all okay because I can accept my sexuality?

TT: And I thought I had relationship issues.

CG: I hate you, and I'm done with this conversation.

carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling

As Dirk closed his browser, he had to admit the conversation hadn't gone according to plan in the slightest. While it was true that he had never been secretive about whom he was interested in, it wasn't something he went out of his way to admit to people, especially those he had never met.

His friends had been very accepting when they first found out. Jake was actually the most supportive initially. Roxy and Jane had both been a little less enthusiastic, but for different reasons, obviously. But they had supported him, and that was what counted. As he reminisced, Dirk also couldn't help but wonder if CG had been less fortunate.

It really shouldn't matter to him, but Dirk knew it was a widespread issue. Still, he was a far cry from a political activist. He was a little more focused on making sure his own romantic relationship stayed intact.

Speaking of which, he should probably get to bed if he wanted to be up in time for his breakfast date tomorrow. It was the first time in a while that Jake had asked Dirk out and made the arrangements. The Strider was determined to make sure it went as well as possible.