Hey! So I haven't had a chance to re-read this one properly, I wanted to get it up before this weekend, so i hope you enjoy it! love you all.
please review!
Chapter 27
Brittany: 4 months after Santana left – October
"I can't do this. I'm not ready to go back. Not yet. It's too soon." Brittany rambled manically to herself as she stuffed her clothes and water bottle into her duffel bag. "Just a little more time. That's all I need." She carried on muttering; she walked out into the living room and stared desperately at Quinn with pleading eyes. She wanted to run back into her room and drink and drink and drink until she passed out and wouldn't have to wake up for another couple of hours.
"Britt, you need to calm down. You have to do this. You have to get back to normal, if you don't you're going to end up getting depressed and I will die before I let that happen to the happiest person I know." Quinn had stood up in the middle of talking and was now holding the taller blonde at arm's length by the shoulders as she looked deep into the girl's eyes. "You have to go back, Brittany. You can't stay like this."
Brittany could hear the double meaning in Quinn's words easily. She knewshe had to go back to work, but she also knewthat she had to go back to the person she was before she started feeling like this – a suicidal wreck. She had to go back to Brittany not the depressed and angry zombie she had been these past four months. But the thing was… she didn't know how to be that woman without Santana.
Brittany clenched her eyes shut at the thought of the Latina, she was trying to get that thought out of her head or at least push it to the back of her mind. It hurt too much to think about those chocolate orbs or the shine of her hair. She needed to get rid of the pain but no matter how hard she tried, it wouldn't leave.
"Quinn…" Brittany whispered as she buried her face into the shorter girl's neck. "She's not coming back is she?"
Quinn felt her heart breaking as Brittany's pain hit her full forced into her chest. She bit down on her lip to hold back a sob and gently shook her head. "No, I don't think she is." She whispered softly into Brittany's hair. The dancer's grip tightened around Quinn's waist she held on for a couple of moments longer. She waited for her crying to subside before she let go and picked up her bag off the floor with an absolute look.
"Wish me luck." She mumbled half-heartedly.
"Good luck, B!" Quinn shouted at Brittany's retreating form. She walked back to her room when she heard the front door slam shut and jumped on the bed where Rachel was still sleeping. "Rach?" the blonde asked softly.
"Hmm?" the diva grumbled and turned onto her side as her eyes flickered open to look at Quinn.
"I'm worried about B." the blonde looked down at her hands sadly and a small pout began to form on her lips.
"So am I, but she's just lost the love of her life. It's understandable. We just have to keep her mind off of Santana for a little while." Rachel sat up and cupped Quinn's cheeks in her hands. "She's going to be okay."
Quinn nodded and wrapped her arms around Rachel. "I miss her."
"I know me too. It's too quite around here. I still don't think I've gotten used to not been insulted every time she walks into the room." Rachel kissed the top of Quinn's head and pulled her back to lay down with her. "Did you send the list to Marco?" she raked her fingers through the short blonde locks.
"Yeah, I know he'll give it to Santana, wherever she is." She said sadly.
"What's wrong?"
Quinn was silent for a while as she bit down on her bottom lip. "I wrote her a letter." Her voice was shaking as she spoke and her grip tightened around Rachel's tiny torso. "I told her I hate her. I was just so angry and by the time I had posted it, it was too late to take it back." Quinn sobbed out. She quickly buried her face into Rachel's neck. "I didn't mean it."
"Shh, I know. Come on, it's okay." Rachel cooed softly into the top of Quinn's head. "She'll know that you didn't mean it, she'll understand that you're just angry. We all are but things are going to get better."
"Promise?" Quinn sounded so small and broken that it almost killed Rachel to see her like this. If she ever got her hands on Santana again she wouldn't hesitate in beating her ass.
"I promise." Rachel whispered.
Brittany breathed in a shaky breath, her hand was clutching the door handle to the dance studio but she couldn't find it in her to open it and walk in. She stared blankly at her reflection in the glass, she had dark bags under her eyes and her hair was lacking its usual shine. She frowned at her image and clenched her fist by her waste. She hated this. She hated everything about it. She hated her life. She hated the fact Santana left her. She hated not knowing whether or not she was alive or dead. But most of all, she hated herself for getting like this. She hated herself for falling in love with Santana after the Latina had warned her it would just end up in heartbreak. She hated that Santana was right.
She was ready to be heart broken. With every day that went by she could feel herself slowly falling into the endless pit of her broken heart, she knew this was coming, she was prepared to face the pain and consequences of the day Santana would be gone. She just never expected Santana to break her heart like this… She didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
Just as she was about to turn round and make a run for it – maybe she could hide in the park for a few hours so Quinn wouldn't ask any questions – a tall woman with curled, dark brown hair with an electric blue streak was standing behind her. Brittany bumped into the woman's chest and stumbled back, her shoulders hit the glass door. "Brittany! I didn't expect to see you any time soon." Kristen placed her hands on the girl's shoulders and pulled the blonde forward into a hug. "How're you doing?"
Brittany had told the taller girl about what was going on with Santana during the time they had been working together and when they had arrived back from the hospital Brittany had gotten Quinn to call Kristen and tell her that she wouldn't be coming into work for a while, it was only right that Kristen ask why and Quinn told her. She told her everything. Brittany couldn't help but feel kind of embarrassed about that. "M'kay." Brittany mumbled into the girls shoulder as she wrapped her own arms around the girl's skinny waist.
"What're you doing back?" Kristen asked when she finally pulled away and led the blonde inside the building. She walked over to the front desk and started flicking through some papers that had been left out for her to check through. "Are you sure you're ready to come back?" Kristen signed and scribbled on the pieces of paper before folding the up and slipping them into a brown envelope.
Brittany shrugged. "I don't know, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. But I need to get back to normal before I end up doing something stupid to myself." Brittany looked down at her hands clasped tightly around the strap of her duffel bag; she didn't want to meet the eyes of the taller girl that she knew would be filled with pity. "I didn't want to come back to work," she admitted quietly. "But I knew I probably should. I can't stay locked in my room forever drinking away my life." She looked up to meet Kristen's intense gaze. "Truth is I can barely remember anything of the first two months without her. It's scary to think that I can just block it all out with alcohol you know?"
Kristen bit down hard on her tongue to hold back the tears she could feel burning behind her eyelids. She had no idea what the blonde was going through and she hated to even imagine it. If she could, she knew she would take the girls pain away in a heartbeat. "Brittany," she sighed as she wrapped her arm around Brittany's shoulders and pulled her into her side. "I'm always going to be here for you if you need to talk or just scream and let off steam. I'm not going anywhere. You're an amazing person and you don't deserve to be hurting like this." Kristen whispered into her ear. The brunette wanted to be closer to Brittany. She wanted to hug her tight and kiss her to prove that she was telling the truth but she couldn't when Brittany was so clearly still in love with Santana.
"Thank you. But I'm not ready to talk about all of this yet, it hurts too much." Was all Brittany said before she pulled out of the other girls grip and walked off towards her studio to prepare for her first group and left Kristen standing with a confused look on her face.
Brittany felt an uncomfortable burning on her bare shoulders where the others girls arm had once been. She knew Kristen was only trying to be supportive so why did she feel like her skin was covered with acid? Why did she want to throw up and never let anyone else touch her again for as long as she lived, with maybe one exception, maybe…?
She shook her head to make the thought of Santana go away. The only reason she had come into work today was to get the girl out of her mind, what hope did she have if she was even popping up in her head here? She really was screwed if this wasn't going to end soon; she knew she needed to move on if Santana wasn't going to be coming back. But she didn't know how. She'd never been in love before; she had never needed to get over someone before. This was all new to her, the pain was new, the feeling of loneliness was new, Santana not being by her side 24/7 was new. Even when they had just been friends they had been almost inseparable. It just felt wrong to be living without Santana by her side.
She was pulled out of her thoughts when the sound of feet against the wooden floor came from the other side of the room. She looked up to see a group of people around the age of sixteen maybe a bit older warming up and stretching. Brittany stood up and walked over to them with a fake smile plastered firmly to her face. "Hi!" she greeted, they all turned to face her and ran towards the surprised blonde as they wrapped their arms around her excitedly.
"We missed you, Britt!" a blonde boy muttered against her back. "We love Kristen and all but she's nothing compared to you. She doesn't have the moves." He said with the best jazzy voice he could do and began to sway his hips from side to side behind the group of kids. Brittany felt her inside jump and butterflies formed in her stomach. She felt a trickle of happiness sliver through her body for the first time in four months.
"I've missed you guys too." She grinned at the group as they all stood in front of her ready to start dancing. "Now, how about you all show me what you have been practicing while I've been away?" she asked as she leaned back against the wall to ceiling mirror and folded her arms across her chest.
A tall boy with mop like hair walked over to the stereo and pressed a button before the room began to vibrate with the sounds of the music.
See, girl we used to be a team, running the streets
Yeah, we was living out our dream, oh
You used to be my rider, I was your provider
Now we separated in two
Brittany unconsciously stiffened as the words sounded into her ears. Her mind wandered straight to Santana, the girl who had left her without saying good bye. She was so lost in her thoughts that she wasn't even paying attention to the amazing dancing that was happening in front of her eyes.
Oh and baby, you left and sailed away alone
And now you got me trapped up on this island
Where nowhere to get home
Brittany slid down the mirrors with a vacant look in her eyes. She clenched and unclenched her fists in her lap; the sharpness of the blonde's nails dug into her palms and drew tiny specks of blood from her pail skin.
'Cause I was so high and now I'm so low
And I don't wanna walk around alone, solo
And I don't want to walk this earth
If I gotta do it solo, solo
The words were getting too close to home for Brittany and it was bringing up too much of the pain she had managed to bury deep, deep down in the last month or so but as the minutes passed they climbed closer and closer to the surface and threatened to burst free and send her reeling into the darkness once again. She released a long breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding in when the song finally came to an end and the dancers came to a standstill. Their chests heaved up and down as they gasped for air.
Brittany forced a smile on her lips; she stood up and walked closer to the group. "That was great guys."
The blonde boy from earlier arched his eyebrow sceptically at Brittany. "But…?" he questioned.
"The dancing was great, I just think you guys could do better." She shrugged with a teasing grin on her face. "How's about we see if we can improve? Maybe with a different song though?" she said as she walked over to the stereo and changed the song over. "Follow me." she stood with her back to everyone and began to move her body to the music. She immediately began to relax and feel the pain from the past four months fade away into the back of her mind as she focussed on the steps to the dance. She'd missed this so much. She was in her own little world again where there was no Santana, no Kristen and no hurtful emotions.
She was free.
The clatter of thunder caused Brittany to jolt upright; her heart raced furiously in her chest and threatened to snap her ribs in half. She curled her hands into fists around the black bed sheets as the midnight sky was lit up by the lightning. The only sound that could be heard was the heavy rain against the window and the blondes faulted breathing. "Santana." The name left her lips before she could process what she was saying. She turned to face the place next to her only to find it completely empty and freezing cold.
A pang of searing hot pain jolted through her gut and forced a sob to break through Brittany's body. Tears were streaming down the sides of her cheeks before she could even stop them. She threw the bed sheets off of her body and walked over to the chair where she had one of Santana's old hoodies thrown over the back of it and quickly pulled it on and breathed in deep. She wanted to feel safe, she wanted Santana to protect her, but she wasn't here.
That was when her heart stopped. The sent she was expecting to smell wasn't there… the sent that always calmed her, always put a smile on her face, wasn't there. She couldn't recognise Santana on this hoodie. The pain intensified in her body and seamed to spread further out. Brittany couldn't understand why she couldn't smell the Latina on her clothes anymore.
Her eyes flickered around the room as she looked for anything that would still hold a piece of Santana within it.
The dresser.
She ran over to the set of draws and flung them open, causing one of the draws to clatter to the floor loudly. She pulled out a fist full of tee shirts and brought them to her chest but there was still no sign of the Latina. Brittany threw the clothes to the ground and spun around with another loud sob.
The wardrobe.
The doors swung open and almost hit her in the face. She pulled down one of Santana's most warn dresses and tried to find the tiniest piece of the Latina's sent.
Still, there was nothing. Brittany's knees gave way and she collapsed down onto the cold, wooden floor. She hunched over and curled up into a ball as she sobbed and sobbed until the noises turned silent and only tears fell. "Why did you leave me, Santana?" she thought aloud. "Why did you leave me alone?" her voice was shaking so much that her whispered words were almost incoherent. She wrapped her arms tightly around her body as she began to shake. "I don't want to be here if I don't have you. What's the point anymore?" her tears stopped, her shaking stopped and her sobs stopped. She was surprised by her own words but what was really surprising was the fact that they didn't even scare her.
She slowly and steadily stood up and walked over to the bed where she crouched down on shaky legs and pulled out the box filled with bottles of vodka and god knows what else Santana had bought while she was still living here. She'd kept these under her bed for the past four months instead of throwing them away and would drink herself to sleep so that she could forget about the Latina but she would only take a couple of mouthfuls before she would pass out, that's what she got for been such a lightweight. But maybe, maybe if she could drink past a few mouthfuls…
She stared at them for a moment. Everything inside of her was black. There was nothing to think about. No one to jump into the forefront of her mind and bring back memories and pain. She couldn't feel the hurt she had come so accustomed to over the months the love of her life had been gone.
Love of my life. Brittany thought bitterly to herself, she frowned as she stared into the clear liquid in the bottle she was holding in her hands. If she loved me, she wouldn't have left. She unscrewed the lid and took a small sip. She cringed at the strong taste but that didn't stop her from taking a much more satisfying one a second later. She left me. Two more huge mouthfuls.
She. Another gulp. Left. A cough. Me. The bottle was empty; she dropped it to her side and picked up another bottle before gulping at the disgusting liquid down. That was the last thing she remembered before everything turned into darkness.
Santana: 4 months after she left – October/November
"Wow, S. These are really good." Dylan looked over the Latina's shoulder at the computer screen displaying the pictures Santana had taken that day while they were out on the beach. "Are you sure you haven't done this before?"
Santana rolled her eyes but couldn't keep the slight smile from forming on her lips. It wasn't a full smile like the ones she would get when she was with her but it was a smile none the less. The truth was, Dylan was the only one who could manage to get the brunette to smile lately, there was so much pain burning inside of Santana that she had a very short temper – shorter than what it was like in high school – and half the time she would break down crying and wouldn't talk to anyone for a week.
The day after Dylan had found Santana crying on the beach they had met up for coffee and every other day after that for the past four months. They had become such close friends that he was the only person she would let in. She would open up to him about everything, even about Brittany. She had told him everything. The reason behind her leaving, how scared she was to end up hurting the blonde, how much it hurt her to think about her and how much it hurt. She had even let him see her cry once or twice. But if she ever needed him, there would be no question on whether or not he would be there to make her feel better. She was thankful she had someone like him in her life right now.
"Thanks." She mumbled bashfully.
"I think my dad made a very good decision in hiring you. You're going to be bringing in all the customers." Dylan nudged the Latina playfully as she turned around to face him.
"You really think so?"
"Of course!" he wrapped his arm around the girl's neck and pulled her into a warming hug. "You're amazing, S." He chuckled and stepped away from Santana. He pulled on his bag and handed the Latina her coat as he lead her out of the studio. "Can we go and see this apartment now? I'm dying to see if this place is worthy enough for you to live there."
Santana giggled as she led him down the street towards where the estate agent told her to meet her. Now that she had a new job and still had money left over from her last one, she was looking to find a new place to live. As much as she loved living with her father she wanted some independents but luckily for her, the place they were going to visit was just five minutes away from her father and was still facing the beach – all musts in Santana's opinion.
"Hey. Who knows, maybe if I like it I might just move in with you!" Dylan joked.
Santana stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face the tall blonde man. "Would you?" her face was serious and her voice was pleading. Dylan fell silent as he contemplated the idea of Santana actually wanting him to move in with her.
"Are you serious?" Santana just nodded. A huge grin began to curl the corners of his lips upwards into a smile. "Hell yeah!" Santana was about to jump into his arms when – yet again – pain shot through her chest and she cringed back into the wall to steady herself.
"Ow." She grunted and took in a shaky breath. Dylan wrapped his arms around her waist and steadied her. His left hand moved up in between her shoulder blades and began to rub tight circles. Santana found it oddly soothing.
"Are you okay?" she nodded and stood up straight like nothing had ever happened. She hatted it when her ICD would kick in when she was around Dylan. She didn't like him seeing her in pain. Santana had told him everything about her heart and now her ICD, the Latina had half expected him to run for the hills, but he didn't. He had stood by her through it all, he'd even come to a few of her doctor's appointments with her. He bent over slightly, "Jump on." he tapped his back when Santana just stared at him.
"No way." she shook her head but couldn't keep herself from laughing. Dylan pouted and batted his eyelashes. "Fine." She grunted and jumped up onto his back. She screamed loudly as he began to race down the street towards the apartment. She bounced up and down roughly causing her laughing to sound jerky.
"Jump on." Santana looked at Brittany confused for a moment but then hesitantly took a few steps forward before jumping onto the blonde's back, her legs wrapped tightly around her waist and her arms around her shoulders. Brittany hooked her hands under the Latina's thighs and pulled her closer to make sure that she wouldn't fall off. Santana buried her face into the crook of the blonde's neck and inhaled the sweet scent of her girlfriend. "Holding tight?" Brittany asked.
Santana mumbled a quick 'yes' but tightened her grip for safe measures. Brittany suddenly launched off up the pathway in a sprint causing Santana to let out a loud squeal. They over took Quinn and Rachel who were already halfway up and just giggled as they saw Santana bouncing up and down on Brittany's back. "Br-ii-it-tan-yy" Santana screamed out in a jerky voice as her body bumped with each step the blonde took. Brittany just giggled as they reached the top of the hill and set the Latina down on shaky legs with a pale face. "Are you trying to kill me?" Santana asked incredulously.
Brittany shook her head with an innocent smile and pulled her girlfriend in for a sweet kiss. Santana moaned and tangled her fingers in long blonde locks as she slipped her tongue into Brittany's mouth. Brittany's fingers began to play with the hem of Santana's sweater and lightly brushed against smooth caramel skin.
Santana's mind wandered back to the night they had spent their night in Lima up by the old water tower. Her eyes clouded over as tears flooded with salty tears. She sucked in her lips to hold back the sob that was threatening to break through but this time she knew she wouldn't be able to keep it in. The pain in her chest from the memory was too intense and was almost as bad as the pain she would get from her heart. "St-op." She sobbed out as she tried to pull away from Dylan.
The blonde heard Santana's voice and then felt her struggles. He came to an abrupt stop in the middle of the sidewalk and set her down carefully. "What's wrong, S?" He reached out and wiped away some of her falling tears and stepped closer to her.
"I… I- and then- and Brittany- miss her- so much." She sobbed out brokenly. Dylan struggled to make out what she was saying but there was one word he could make out and whenever Santana would say her name it usually meant that she needed to be held and just let her emotions run wild. "Brittany." Santana sobbed the girls name out into Dylan's chest as he held her tight.
Fifteen minutes passed before Santana finally calmed down. She rubbed at her itchy cheeks to get rid of the dried tears and looked up to meat Dylan's piercing green eyes. "Are you okay now?" he asked softly. Santana just nodded and slipped her hand into his. It was nothing romantic – after all, they were both gay – but she found comfort in the closeness.
"We better get going before the estate agent leaves." She didn't want him looking at her like she was broken. She knew she was; she knew she was very broken, in more ways than one. But she didn't want to show it. She was definitely getting better at hiding and covering up her feelings and emotions but sometimes they would find a way to slip through the cracks. She didn't want to feel week around her best friend. Her only friend.
Dylan could see that Santana didn't want to talk about Brittany right now, her walls were up and built of steel and there was no way she was letting him in right now. He would just have to wait until she was ready to talk. "Okay." it was a simple word but it somehow showed Santana that he understood what she was feeling right now and that she needed her space.
They walked down the street in comfortable silence as the sun slowly set behind them; it painted the sky deep purple and casted long black shadows along the sidewalk in front of them. "Thank you." Santana muttered quietly after a short while.
"What for?" Dylan squeezed her hand gently.
"Being there for me, you know these past for months have been rough for me and I'm just glad that you didn't get sick of my mood swings and run off. I know that if I didn't have you I would have definitely done something stupid." She leaned into his shoulder and wrapped her other hand around his bicep and gave it a soft squeeze. "You're my best friend and I just wanted you to know that I love you for staying by my side."
Dylan let out a breathy chuckle and wrapped an arm around Santana's shoulders. "You're my best friend as well." he mumbled. "When I came out to my friends, they all left me, told me not to talk to them again. So I should be thanking you too."
"You've never talked about your past before, actually… I don't know anything about your past apart from the last year." Santana arched her eyebrow at him and gave him a quizzical look.
"I just find it hard to talk about the stuff that's happened to me." Dylan muttered sadly and looked down at the sidewalk. "I promise I'll tell you soon." Santana just smiled and squeezed his hand to let him know that she understood. She'd found it extremely hard herself to talk about Brittany but had eventually got the courage to do so.
"This place is amazing!" Santana gasped as they stood in the fully furnished, loft style apartment. Dylan was staring out at the sea through the floor to ceiling window while the Latina stood half way up the stairs that led to the mezzanine floor where the bedroom was. On one side of the room there were the dark red bricks that decorate the wall with pictures of sun sets framed up. Behind where they stood and just next to the front door was a large kitchen area that was decorated in grey marble. A door to the left led into the bathroom but there was also an ensuite attached to the bedroom upstairs. The furniture was all white and some sort of soft fabric, a large corner sofa separated the kitchen from the living room and a small recliner was facing what must have been a fifty inch plasma screen TV. This place really was amazing.
Santana ran down the steps and jumped at Dylan who caught her in his arms. "It is, but if I move in here with you, then where do I sleep?" he looked around sceptically; there was only one bedroom in this entire place. "As much as I love you, I don't really want to share a bed with you. What if we bring someone home?" he whispered the last part under his breath so that the estate agent didn't hear them.
"Don't worry about that. There's a bed that pulls out of the wall over here." The other woman stated – clearly with some sort of super hearing - as she walked over to the other side of the room just behind the sofa and pulled down a double bed that had been perfectly disguised into the wall. Dylan frowned. It didn't look very comfortable. "Why don't you try it?"
The man walked over and sat down on the bed, he bounced up and down a few times before laying down slowly. "Oh Jesus. I'm in love. I'm getting married to this bed. I'm giving up on men and getting married to a bed." He moaned. This had got to be the most comfortable bed he had ever lain on in his life. "Lopez, you have to try this." He stood up and pushed Santana towards the bed.
She smirked at how excited he seemed and sat down on the bed. Her whole body immediately relaxed into the comfortable mattress. "Holly shit. I want this one!" she shouted.
"No! You have the big one! Mine. Get off. Get off." Dylan pushed Santana's side until she rolled off of the bed and landed on her butt on the floor.
"So I guess you will take it?" The estate agent asked with a smug smile.
Both Dylan and Santana nodded eagerly and walked over to the woman. "Where do I sign?"
Marco walked into the kitchen where Santana was helping to cook the Thanksgiving dinner and placed a stack of mail down on the counter. "You have a letter here, Mija. It's from New York." Santana didn't even look up from what she was doing, she just shrugged her shoulders. Even though inside her mind was screaming and her heart had begun to race. She didn't want to see what the letter said. It was most likely from Brittany telling her how much she hated her for leaving. She didn't want to hurt anymore. She didn't want to know how much Brittany despised her for leaving.
Marco stood next to his daughter and began to cut up the vegetables, behind him was his brother Orlando and his son Anton. Marco had invited them round after begging Santana and promising her that they would not tell anyone she was here. Orlando was only three years older than his brother and looked almost identical to each other, the only way to tell they weren't twins was the almost silver hair of the older brother and almost twice as many wrinkles. Sadly, Orlando's wife had passed away not so long after Anton had been born so he had been a single parent for five years. "Sorry we're late, there must have been an accident earlier today a couple of miles away. Police were just finishing cleaning up so there was traffic for miles." Orland sighed tiredly.
"S'tana!" a scream came from the doorway of the kitchen causing the Latina the spin round with a beaming smile.
"Ant!" she cheered loudly and bent down just in time to catch the small child on her arms. Anton was much too small for his age but was completely and utterly adorable in every way. He had dark skin like the rest of his family but bright blue eyes that were replicas of his mothers. "How you been little man?" Anton squealed when Santana began to tickle his stomach.
"S'tana. Stop!" he giggled until tears were falling from his eyes and breathless. "I been good." He smiled sweetly and wrapped his arms around Santana's neck.
"Santana." Orlando's voice pulled Santana from her little cousin and towards him. "How've you been? It seems like forever since I've seen you." He gave her a quick hug and chuckled as Anton ran off towards the living room with a small toy.
"I've been fine thank you, sick of hospitals now though." She chuckled. He nodded his head in understanding. His wife had spent the best part of three years going in and out of hospitals until it was no use anymore.
"It'll all be worth it in the end though. You'll find a new heart I know it." he gave her a reassuring smile and tapped her on the back. There was something in his voice that made Santana actually believe him. It had been so long, she had been waiting so long and still, nothing had change, nothing life changing anyway. She was so sick of getting bad news.
Two months ago she had been so close to finding a new heart, she had gotten so excited and even started to celebrate but all it took to ruin everything was one phone call and one outbreak in some infection to crush everything.
She was lying on the sofa with Anton sitting on her stomach as he ran his toy car along her arms and legs. The dinner was still being cooked and she was trying to stop herself from falling asleep. Her ICD had gone off at least twice today and she was beginning to feel drained.
"S'tana?" Anton's voice caused the Latina's eyes to snap open.
"Yeah?" she asked softly and ruffled his hair.
The small boy hesitated for a moment and his lip pouted ever so slightly in thought. "Where's Brittany?" Santana's heart dropped at Anton's words and she had to bite down on her lip to stop the tears from escaping. How was he to know what was going on? He wouldn't understand the dynamics of love and relationships.
"She's in New York." Santana stated simply, she looked away and hoped that he wouldn't ask any more questions or wouldn't see her eyes filling with tears.
"Why?"
Santana closed her eyes and tried to keep herself from getting irritated with the small child. When she opened them back up, she was met by ocean blue eyes and she couldn't help be reminded of Brittany's. Oh so sweet Brittany and her innocent questions. "Because that's where she lives now, she has a job and friends there." She explained as simply as she could.
Anton's brow furrowed in confusion as he tried to piece together what Santana was trying to explain. "Why are you here and not with her?"
"Because I have a job, friends and family here." she could feel the pain throbbing in her chest or was that her heart playing up again? She didn't care right now; she couldn't get the image of Brittany out of her head. Her hand slowly moved down to her pocket where she had slipped in the letter when she walked out of the kitchen and hoped that her father hadn't seen her giving into her curiosity.
She pulled out the yellow envelope and stared at the handwriting in the front of it. Quinn. She thought, slightly confused as to why the blonde would be sending her a letter but slightly relieved that it wasn't Brittany. Her heart began to race painfully in her chest as she tore the paper open, her ICD began to send tingles to her heart but she ignored the pain.
There were two pieces of paper concealed inside. The first one was a letter.
Santana, if you ever get this letter I just want you to know that no matter what, you will always be my best friend. I love you like a sister and I always have and stupidly always will even if I don't know where the hell you are.
But I don't understand why you ran away. I don't think I ever will. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell any of us? Why did you run away in the first place? And no matter how much I love you, I will always hate you for leaving us like that. You left without even saying goodbye, just disappeared like we didn't deserve your time.
How could you do that to Brittany? She was your girlfriend! She loved you more than anyone could ever imagine and you broke her. You broke her in half and there is absolutely no way she can be fixed. Not after what you did to her. You turned the happiest person alive into a depressed mess.
I hope you're happy with yourself, Santana-
Santana's hands were shaking so much and her eyes were clouded over so thick that she couldn't see the paper in her hands anymore. Her cheeks were soaked with her tears and her breath was shaking.
No she wasn't happy with herself, not one bit. She wished she hadn't left the people she loved the way she did. She was only trying to protect them.
"S'tana?" Anton's voice caused Santana to look away from the paper. "Why are you crying?" he reached out with his hands and wiped away the tears from her cheeks. "Are you hurted?" he jutted his lip out into an adorable pout and began searching her body for anywhere she could be hurting.
"No, no. I'm not hurt. I'm just sad." She explained between sobs. Anton wrapped his arms around Santana's neck.
"Can I make you feel better?" he asked sadly.
Santana just shook her head. "No, I've been a bad person. I don't deserve to be happy."
"Everyone d'ervs to be happy, S'tana." He kissed her cheek softly. "Even bad people, but I know you isn't a bad person because you're the kindest and sweetest person I know." He said surely causing a wide smile to form on Santana's lips.
"You really think so?" he nodded and climbed off of her body and wandered through to the kitchen. Santana looked back down at the letter in her hand; she couldn't read any more of it. She knew Quinn was pissed, but she didn't want to read about how bad she had fucked up Brittany's life. She folded the paper back up and was about to put it back in the envelope when she remembered the other letter. She frowned as she pulled it out; there was something familiar about this.
Her heart stopped when she unfolded the paper, it literally stopped in her chest. Her ICD set off furiously in her chest and she screamed out in pain. Her hands clenched around the paper in her hands.
Her dad came running in and crouched by her side. "Mija?" Santana held up her hand and shook her head as if to say 'I'm fine'. Anton came running in a second later and clutched the Latina's ankle.
"S'tana? Don't be sad." He began to cry, loud, louder than Santana's own cries of pain.
Like the noise in the house couldn't get any worse, a phone started ringing somewhere in the kitchen and Orlando came running in with it in his hand. His face was a mixture of excitement and panic.
"It's the hospital. It's important." He shoved it in Marco's face who quickly answered it while Orlando helped Santana to sit up in her seat. Marco's eyes grew wide as he answered the phone with 'yes'' and head nods until his eyes flickered up to Santana with a wide smile that reached his eyes. "On our way." was the last thing he said before he snapped his phone shut. There was a moment's pause as he reached out and took Santana's hands and gave them a squeeze. "We've got you a heart, San."
It was like everything went silent in the Latina's ears. Everything slowed down to slow motion, even when she was being carried out to the car by her father when she was too frozen to stand up. She could see her father's lips moving as he spoke to her but she couldn't form words to answer him. Anton was jumping around in the back seat singing something that sounded like 'if you're happy and you know it' and Orlando tried to grab him to sit him down but the little boy kept jumping up and clapping his hands loudly. She clenched her fists around the piece of paper still in her hand. She didn't want to look at so she slipped it into her back pocket as she tried hard not to move her chest too much so she wouldn't scream out in pain like she wanted to.
This is it; I'm going to be okay! I'm going to live and I'm going to be happy and healthy. A small smile began to form at the corner of her lips. I can go back to New York! I'm going to have a freaking heart!
Santana's smile faded as her thoughts began to completely take over her mind.
What if they don't want to see me? Quinn said she hates me... what if Brittany does too?
Her thoughts were all Santana could hear and concentrate on up until the moment she was given the anaesthetic and began to black out completely. Her life was about to change even more.