AN: thank you so much for the reviews/favs/follows!
I rewrote this chapter a good 80 times and I honestly just can't look at it anymore. I hope it doesnt diassapoint anyone too much. I'm not very happy with it, but I wanted to get it out before tonight's episode And if I was gunna fix it again I'd have to wait a while bc I read it way too many times.
Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid. - Fyodor Dostoevsky
Sam's operating on autopilot since he was abruptly woken up. His minds busy trying to process what in the hell actually went on down there. He doesn't even notice he's in the car on the way back to the station till Oliver starts grilling him about Andy.
"Sooo.. Big night."
And he's just not in the mood.
Hes exhausted. What went on down there was- it was a lot.
So when he's a little extra snappy with his answer, it's understandable,
"Nothing happened Oliver."
"Nothing happened. No. Right. Four hours, locked away, just the two of you. You weren't cuddled together on the ground or anything."
"We talked, fell asleep, woke up and we were like that. That's all."
"Talked. Good. That's good."
Sam rubs his eyes with the palm of his hands, can feel a headache coming on. Doesn't bother saying anything to Shaw, feels no need to entertain his interrogation.
So obviously Oliver being Oliver, he prods, "What did you talk about?"
"Have you always been this annoying?"
He's being an ass, he knows it too, has the decency to feel a little bad about it. Makes him think about the time he and McNally did that prisoner transport in Sudbury. He growled at her the entire way there, trying to appease his bruised ego-
Are you allergic to silence?
So ya, their little talk might have made him a little nostalgic.. whatever.
Shaws not falling for it though- his deflection, "ya. No. Come on, out with it."
Sam frustrated. How's he supposed to explain to Oliver what happened when he doesn't even know. "About... I don't know. Stuff. "
"So are you guys.." He trails off moving his hand in the air.
"What? Are we what?"
"You know, getting back together?"
Which- what the hell? He has no idea how Oliver jumped so quickly from talked to that-
"What? No."
"No?"
"No."
It wasn't that easy, they couldn't just jump back into things. When he broke up with her, his head was a mess and now, it still wasn't sorted out. It was a slow process, but he was getting there.
And he couldn't do anything about them until he was in a better place.
"But you talked."
And that's not a question, but he feels the need to reaffirm it anyway, "Yes, Oliver, we talked."
The rest of the drive is silent. Oliver knows Sam's limits- knows not to push him too far.
It gives Sam time to think though- about what happened- about everything.
The day Jerry died, Sam felt just about every emotion imaginable.
Everywhere from excited all the way to completely devastated and everything in-between. He spent most of his day worrying about Andy, with a brief moment of relief when he first saw that she was okay. That quickly turned into devastation and guilt when he saw his best friend laying in a pool of his own blood and then everything bad all at once when he thought about the possibility of losing Andy too.
He worried about her all the time and it clouded his judgement, he couldn't think straight, he wasn't used to it.
And then after Jerry and feeling all those feelings, he just needed to take a step back. He needed to protect himself.
When he asked Andy to get back together- because he knew he couldn't be without her, after having been with her- he still wasn't ready. He would have tried his best, but messed it up again for sure.
He was an emotional disaster, completely unstable and he didn't know how to deal with anything.
Then when she took off after he said all that stuff- stuff he was terrified to say to anyone- he was gutted and he didn't know what to do with himself.
He figured, he could either fall into some depression or try his best to move on with life. So when Cruz transferred to 15 he went for it, knowing there'd be no feelings, because he really just needed to not feel for a while.
She'd help him get over Andy and he could remain emotionally distant.
Then Andy came back -
and he found out that she DID feel the same way.
And he just... he didn't even know how to deal with that.
So he distanced himself from her- decided to ignore it- because he wasn't ready to figure it all out.
And the thing with Marlo, it was working, he was healing.
He tried as best he could to stay away from her- Andy- because seeing her was hard. There were moments when he was around her, where he was so overtaken with the need to just pull her into his arms, or kiss her, that he'd have to make himself walk away.
The case with Perrick came up and he couldn't do it anymore, he needed her there. He knew he'd be all screwed up and he trusted her more than anyone to have his back. She knew him the most, she knew what he'd need.
He was rude to her all day and he felt horrible about it, but she was really the only one who could deal with him when he was like that.
He apologized and they had their little moment, agreed to be friends or whatever, but as the days went on he began missing her more and more.
When they rode together that day he was reminded of what they had, of how much he needed her, how much he wanted her and ultimately how unhappy he really was with Marlo.
So he was getting annoyed, more frustrated by the second. Which is what led to him being extra moody with her when they got locked in the bomb shelter.
And then hearing her side of things about before, about how much she really did love him, he just wants to do whatever he can do so he can be who she needs
He wants to fix himself because that's what she deserves
"So it's pretty crazy, eh?" Nick says to her, "You, getting stuck in there with Swarek."
"Yah, tell me about it." She agrees.
He looks at her out if the corner of his eye, grips the steering wheel just a little bit tighter, "so why was it exactly, you were laying on top of him?"
"It wasn't like that." She explains softly.
"So what was it like?"
And he doesn't say it with an attitude attached, like she'd expect from Luke, or Sam, or anyone else she's dated. He genuinely wants to know out of concern for her.
"We're just friends, really. We fell asleep."
"Try again."
"Nick, really."
"You seem to forget that I spent six months undercover with you. I listened to you talk about him for hours on end, even when we came back. You're not friends. You'll never be friends, Andy."
He's right. They figured that out tonight. The friends thing wasn't gunna work for them, but they needed to be in each others lives somehow.
"Ok, we're... I don't know what we are."
They really was no one word or phrase to describe what they were to each other. There never was.
"Maybe it's time to let go of the crutch."
"Crutch?"
"Ya, you know. You lean on each other. Rely on one another. You're not together anymore yet you still go to him when you need something. He still comes to you. That's not... Normal."
And "not normal", it's funny to her that that's what he's using to describe their non-relationship, being as that's the word they used to start it. That's what they wanted to be, but never really were.
He was right though, they were that for each other. Agreed to continue to be that. There's a trust there- between the two of them- maybe stemming from their partnership, or maybe it was something else. Either way, it was built over time and it was strong.
Even after everything, she called him in a moment of panic, to get her out of the mess she was in, because she knew he would.
Even after everything, he asked her to ride with him on a day where he knew he wouldn't have his head on straight, because he needed her there.
"We we're partners before anything. It's not that weird."
"Ya it kinda is. Neither of you are going to be able to truly move on if you're still that person for each other. "
Nick was 100% right and she hated it. Sam still was the one person in the entire world she had absolute faith in, the one person she would go to if she really needed help.
And that wasn't fair to anybody she was going to be with. If she wanted to have a chance at something new, if she wanted to really give it a shot with him, she had to let Sam go.
But she couldn't do that- she told him she wouldn't- she herself wasn't ready for that.
"I want to make this work, me and you, but I..."
"Look I like you, a lot. And I want to be with you, but not if you want to be with someone else."
He couldn't go through that.. Not again.
"Sam's with Marlo now."
"Ya... and what happens when he's not?"
And she just-
Ya... she didn't know what she'd do if that happened
She thought she was starting to get over him, finally, she thought she was happy and then, getting stuck in there with him, everything came to the surface.
"The difference between him and her and you and me, is that she doesn't know what you two were like. What you mean to each other, even now."
Then to relieve the tension he adds, "I mean we were break up buddies, after all."
She laughs- loves that things are just that easy with him.
"Ya speaking of that, maybe I'm not the only one who's not ready?"
She had months to get over Sam, he only just broke up with Gail a couple weeks before.
Although, things with Gail, they weren't the same since he got back from Afghanistan.
And then leaving for so long. There was kind of a slow build to an explosive break up.
Whereas, Sam and Andy, it was just explosive and they've been slowing building it back up.
"You might be right, I don't want to rush this with you. If we're not ready, I'm willing to wait, because I think this could be something great."
The thing with Nick, it was new. They hadn't even done anything yet- well not really- they kissed a few times, but that's no more than what they did undercover.
They could go back to being just friends without making things weird, for now at least.
And she's grateful he said that because she did the faking it thing before, with Luke and that went to hell. So the next person she's gunna be with, she wants to actually want to be there.
"You really are a great guy, you know that?"
"Ugh, I know." He says with mock disgust which has her giggling.
"Hey, on the plus side Oliver will be ecstatic!" He adds.
"What do you mean?"
"What you didn't hear him fan girlling out there... White flag? He does not want the two of us together." He says motioning between them with his finger
"Oliver's a goof, he sings all the time"
"Ya he sings things like sheriff and ambition, not dido."
"Where do you get off criticizing anyway? Your taste in music is that of a 90 year old man. I'm surprised you even know any of those bands."
"Watch it McNally, I'll kick you out of your own cruiser. Make you walk back in the rain."
"Shut up." She smiles to herself out her window. shes happy they went back to being friends, they're good as friends, it works.
So you'd think after everything was out in the open, things between them would be better; no more baggage, no more anger, or hidden resentment, but that's not the case. Not at all.
Once they finally got the chance to process everything their dynamic changed.
It's almost like everything is dialled up, every emotion heightened. Only now, it's different.
Before it was intense being around each other, everything that happened between them in the back of their minds, confusing them.
Now it's like they're way more vulnerable.
When they finally see each other come monday, its like reality has set in. When they were down in that shelter, life was at a stand still. They were trapped and its like words unspoken just came tumbling out. Now though, they don't know what to do with it.
It's too real. It's too scary
They didn't discuss everything. The heavier stuff was left alone.
But all the little bit picky issues that made every conversation tense. Those are somehow gone.
And it's ridiculous because they really weren't issues to begin with, just a lack of comunication and misunderstanding.
But now, without those things standing in the way it's like they're stuck in some weird limbo. They love each other and want to be together, but refuse to do just that.
Sams making himself a coffee when she walks in to the break room, he gives her an awkward wave and holds her eye contact.
Its like theres this new mixture of extreme sexual tension and fear, or something.
And they really have to cut it out because people are starting to notice
It's worse than before- like when she was with Luke- because they've done things now, they have things to think about and it's uncomfortable for everyone.
He gets out of there fast, says something about cases that need solving, no time to play around anymore, being a detective and all.
She doesn't even bug him about it, she's too messed up inside.
Tracis one of the awkward observers of the exchange feels the need to comment, "you sure nothing happened when you two were locked away together?"
"I told you. we just talked."
"Then what the hell was that?" Traci asks her.
And she's giving her that look- that one when she's being all judgey.
"What?"
"The two of you just had eye sex for 5 minutes, didn't say a word to each other and then he's running off mumbling something about a big case. We don't have a case."
Andy pulls out a chair, huffs herself down on it, "I don't know. It's weird now, I can't explain it."
Nash follows suit, sits across from her, "I thought you guys talked? Cleared everything up."
"We did. But it's like, now that we're not mad at each other, we don't know how to act."
"Ya. probably doesn't help that Oliver's lurking around hinting at things." She chuckles.
"I always imagined what would happen if we finally talked about everything. And I mean.. well, we didn't talk about everything, but it doesn't matter, because it doesn't change anything."
"What do you mean?"
"It takes the most extreme circumstances for any sort of communication and honesty to come out of either of us. What are we just gunna lock ourselves up ever few years force ourselves to talk?"
"Or crazy thought.. you could just, talk? The reason you guys were so closed off was because you had different views on what happened before wasn't it?"
"It's not that simple trace"
"Right. And then there still the issue of Miss emotional distance."
And that well, that was a whole other thing she didn't even want to think about. She felt bad, felt like she was lying to him, betraying him in a way, by concealing Marlo's secret. She didn't even know if she could be putting him at risk, or what, but it just wasn't her place to tell him.
It was almost funny, how ironic it was that he would end up with her. He wanted something simple, something uncomplicated. He needed something easy, after Jerry. Something where he didn't have to feel so much.
He had no idea just how opposite she was to all of that.
"Yaaaa... There's that."
Couple of days later Sam's working a homicide. It's a slam dunk, Peckstein showed up and the suspect had the murder weapon in his hands, didn't even try and deny it. They were just waiting on an official confession.
They're half an hour in and buddy hasn't said anything, just nods his head when he's asked if he did it.
Swarek's getting annoyed, "So you did it... why?"
"Because." He finally says.
"Come on. There had to be a reason. What is it?"
He thinks about it for a minute, then instead of answering he asks him, "You ever been in love detective?"
Sam shrugs his shoulders, "sure"
"No I mean like, really, truly in love. You know, where it changes you. All of a sudden it's like everything's different- you're different.
So everything's changing... and your heads all messed up and you can't think straight. You think you're going crazy. Every thought, every decision you make is suddenly influenced by this girl. You'd do anything to keep her happy- keep her safe. And then... Something happens."
He takes a deep shuddery breath, "And she's gone... And your whole world is gone. Because she was it. And you can't go back to how life was before her, no matter how hard you try. So nothing matters anymore."
A tear drips down on to the table as he continues, "This world, this life, it's empty, she's gone."
he composes himself somewhat and more angrily finishes by saying, "So detective... that's why I did it. I took his life, because he took mine."
And just like that Sam feels like he's the one being interrogated, feels like the guy just crawled into his head and organized all his thoughts and feelings about Andy; everything he could never put into words, exactly how he'd react if someone took her away from him.
Then he feels like a bad cop, how much he gets it.. a homecide.
He gets up to leave- needs some space. It's like lately everything's pilling up and he doesn't know no how much longer he can tell himself he shouldn't be with her.
Andy's running late, she had the worst sleep of her life the night before, tossed and turned for hours. She dreamt that Jerry survived and she and Sam took that vacation for Traci and his wedding. The four of them were laying there on the beach, just talking about non cop stuff, everything was going so good and then she woke up. And she tried so desperately to fall back asleep, get back into the dream, but once you wake up its nearly impossible to do that.
She's practically sprinting to the equipment room when she stops in her tracks.
Sam's in there, and he's with Oliver. If Oliver sees how they've been acting around each other hell never let it go.
She knows she has to get a move on it- she hates being late- but she just needs a moment to breathe.
She's leaning against the wall around the corner when she hears Oliver, "Huh, ice cream in the morning Sammy? How me of you."
"That's not mine."
"Pistachio? I do not believe for a second there's another person who works here that likes that."
"They wouldn't sell it if people didn't buy it, Shaw." Sam tells him, for what sounds like the millionth time.
"Ahh Collins, you're the mystery ice cream eater"
And she's just delighted to hear that Nick's in there too. Doesn't make her any more willing to go in there that's for sure.
"God no. I got this for McNally. Don't know how she eats this crap. "
And right then she wants to punch herself in the face.
"McNally hates pistachio ice cream." Sam tells him, "says it gives a bad name to the whole product."
It's true. She can't stand it, not that Collins would know.
She came home one day with two cartons; double chocolate and pistachio. Didn't even realize her mistake until he commented on it.
She was so used to getting both that she just kinda bought it without thinking.
There was no way she was gunna admit to that, so she pretended to like it. Spent the whole six months choking it down while Nick ate her double chocolate.
"Well, she ate it all the time when we were undercover."
The way he says it. It's like he thinks he knows her better. It pisses Sam off. But then he thinks, the only reason she would have been eating it is because of him and well, he doesn't hate that idea.
Andy cant wait any longer, she has to get ready. She takes a deep breath and walks into the room
"McNally, good morning!" Oliver sing songs. "Collins here- the kind soul that he is- bought you some ice cream"
She fakes and smile and goes to get it. Figures she can handle eating it one last time if she has to, but when she picks up the cup and sees the horrible green gunk her stomach flips.
"Ya you know, Nick I'm not that hungry right now. Maybe I'll put it in the freezer for later."
Shaws suppressing a laugh and Sam's smirking to himself as he puts his gun in the holster. He's so caught up in his own head that he doesn't realize what he's doing. He walks right up into her space and puts his hand over hers on the cup.
"You know McNally," he says as he's lifting the spoon to his mouth, hand still on hers, "I've heard pistachio ice cream can be pretty significant"
Holding her gaze he eats whats on the spoon, puts it back when he's done, "change your whole day.."
The story he told her- about JD and his dad- it rang more true then he'd ever say. His dad was horrible. He abused him all the time, but that one day- the day they met- he was somewhat fatherly. That ice cream was his favourite flavour, because it was the only good thing about his father he could hold onto.
And now, he could hold onto the thought that Andy still had him on her mind while she was gone. Now, pistachio ice cream is that much more significant and his day, it was off to a good start.
Andy's hearts beating so fast she sure everyone in the room can hear it.
Not that there's any other noise to drowned it out, everyone's to shocked to speak, or breath, or do really anything.
Once he realizes what he's done Sam clears his throat and takes a step back.
He feels like the biggest ass hole on the planet, can't believe he just did that.
It's not like he cheated or anything, but when he thinks of Marlo, he can't help but feel guilty.
And even if Marlo wasn't a factor, he's not ready to go there with Andy again. He still can't do it, he's not fixed yet, he's not ready.
So he grumbles, "Better get a move on it McNally, wouldn't want to be late." and walks out of the room.
After that they keep trying to avoid each other, but the more they try the more obvious they seem.
Everyone noticed. Everyone's wondering.
The gossip about the two of them, it died down for a while, but now that they're back to their old tricks, people are starting to talk-
And Marlo- shes starting to notice things.
If you asked her 3 months ago, if she was worried Sam would leave her for McNally, shed have been confident the answer was no.
At first she thought it was ridiculous, McNally all hung up on Sam. Pathetic almost. From what he told her of their relationship, there wasn't much for her to hang on to.
And, of course you don't tell your new person all the gory details about your ex, but he had her convinced that it was in the past.
As time goes by though, she's starting to wonder- wonder if maybe the reason he didn't say much about it wasn't because it was no big deal, but just the opposite.
She was beginning to be a little wary of the two of them- their connection- but it wasn't until that case with the girl that got abducted in that cab that it really started to bother her.
Sam was shaken up, she could tell, he couldn't even finish the briefing.
He never told her about detective barber, but from what she could see they were friends.
She planned on hanging back to see if he was ok, when he called McNally with him to follow up on a lead.
And it's not that she's jealous, it's just weird, that he'd even want to ride with his ex ever, let alone when he was really upset.
That's when she knows, that whatever they had. It wasn't nothing.
McNally though, she's pretty cool, Marlo figures. She thought for a minute there they could be friends; how she took the fall for not following Sam's orders, the way she acted when she told her she was bipolar, how she agreed to keep it a secret.
Now though, she knows that wont ever happen.
She told McNally she had things under control
and she thought she had, but lately she's been feeling herself slipping away.
She doesn't want to admit it to herself- chalks it up to the shooting and the fact that she hasn't been sleeping.
If she's honest with herself though, she knows stress is a trigger-
Knows there's a good chance she's gunna lose control- feels herself slowly making her way towards the edge, praying she doesn't fall of.
She does some digging, prods around, tries to find stuff out without looking too curious.
She's working desk with Sullivan when she- as subtlety as she can- slips in a question about Swarek and McNally.
It doesn't fool her- Sulivan- she knows she's the new girlfriend, but Marlo decides just then that she doesn't really care.
She knows she's being obvious, but she just has to know. She needs some sort of alleviation from her paranoia.
She isn't this girl- the one who acts like this, all turned around about some guy- but she likes him, a lot more than she planed and she doesn't want to lose him.
Sullivan doesn't know everything, she's not part of that crowd, but she tells Cruz what she's heard.
So after half an hour of mostly useless gossip, she's picked up some stuff;
McNally blew his 8 month UC op on her first day.
He became her training officer, and partner after that.
2 years ago Swarek got abducted while he was undercover, turns out they were secretly seeing each other. Sullivan thinks they probably were all along, even when she was with detective Callaghan.
They both got suspended for conduct unbecoming, but were together until detective barber died. Swarek was really messed up by it.
They had an argument in the hall way before she left for dakota where he may or may not have tried to get back together with her.
Basically she knows enough to say; that it definitely WASNT nothing, there's three years of baggage and feelings involved and it most likely is NOT in the past.
She looks all disgruntled when Sam meets up with her outside the locker room.
"Y'alright?" He asks her.
She gives her best fake smile, "perfect."
Just another lie to add to the rest for the day.
As Sam puts his arm around her, ready to leave for the night, he can't help but wonder how much longer he can convince himself it's the right thing to do. What it's gunna take for him to finally man up and go after what he wants.
He plasters on a smile and squeezes her in closer, something he's become
accustomed to doing whenever he has doubts. Gotta keep up appearances after all.
To the outside observer it would seem as though they have the perfect relationship. Always looking happy, always with the PDA. Little do they know that it's the most dysfunctional relationship of all. Lie, on top of lie, on top of lie. To each other, to themselves, to everyone else. If nothings done, it's only a matter of time before it all comes crashing down. Things can't be left unsaid.