Recurring Nightmares
Neji stared at the doorknob, his hand outstretched to grab it. His hand was shaking, his legs felt like jelly, he was barely managing to keep himself from bursting into tears.
Honestly he was surprised he'd even made it this far, he had pretty well convinced himself that there was no way in hell he could do this, not after finding out what Shikamaru had been up to. Or at least finding out little bits and pieces of it and trying to link it all together.
He couldn't do it though, he wasn't his ex, and he lacked his ability to put peices together the way he could. Unless everything was outright explained, he didn't know it he'd understand.
He may not understand regardless.
But he owed it to Shikamaru, he had done a terrible, terrible thing, and had given up the one stable thing in his life that made it worth living anymore. He had sabotaged himself in leaving the Nara, doomed himself to be overwhelmed by his own thoughts and fears with no one to turn to to ask for help. With no one to hold him and tell him it would be alright, no one to assure him that No, he wasn't crazy.
He had left himself all alone in the world.
He took another deep breath and clenched his eyes shut. He willed himself to open the door, he imagined himself doing it, he gritted his teeth and comanded in his mind that his body do what he was telling it to.
But he didn't. He... he just couldn't.
Fine then. He thought, releaseing the air from his lungs. Just knock. Knock really quietly so there's no way he will hear and then you can leave.
Yes, that would be okay. He could just take that one tiny step, and then use that to build himself up to return some other time. When his heart wasn't about to erupt from his ribcage and his body wasn't about to drown him in sweat.
But... but what if he answered?
Oh fucking hell he couldn't do this...
His hand fell limply to his side and he closed his eyes again.
Coward.
You're such a coward.
He was. He always had been, and he still was, possibley even moreso. He knew that when he pushed all the nonsense aside, everything had been his fault. Everything could have been fine, if he had just stood against his fears and trusted Shikamaru. If he had let Hidan in when he knocked, if he had let them become friends, then they would still be in their house together. Hell, maybe he could have learned to be friends with the crazy neighbors too..
I'm only human. It's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault.
Right, right, don't talk yourself down Neji... Remember what Kakashi had said in therapy. You are being your own worst enemy. Once you have gotten yourself on your own team, then you can heal.
I'm just a person, a normal person who acted as any normal person would. Don't dwell on what cannot be fixed.
Again he inhaled sharlply and forced his hand into a fist. He could do it, he was going to do it! Just knock! Don't even think about it, just do it.
There it was, it was moving toward the door! So close, he was so fucking close!
Three almost inaudible taps seemed to thunder in his own ears, and he swallowed heavily as he used every once of strength he had to keep his feet rooted on the floor. If he moved at all, he was going to run.
No more running.
Five seconds went by. The longest five seconds ever in existance. He felt his body start to weaken, it was shaking so badly he could hardly stand. He was getting dizzy from holding his breath, but if he didn't then he would run. He had to wait, he had to make the effort.
Ten seconds. Jesus Christ could time go any slower? There was still no answer, no sound behind the closed door. He stared at the number, 420. He almost smiled as the memory of them moving in faintly replayed in his head. It had been so rediculous, the receptionist had told them the number, handed them the keys, and still it wasn't until they got to the door that he could figure out why Shikamaru kept chuckling.
Neji hadn't thought it to be so funny, it was as if Karma were dangling the reminders in front of him... He'd only rolled his eyes and went inside.
He resisted the tears pooling just behind his eyes. He had been so cruel to Shikamaru. His lover had tried so hard, and he knew that he had. But he just.. he'd shut down. He couldn't do it.
"Neji...I.. I love you.." Shika'd said hesitantly, just before the brunette was about to doze off.
"Yeah.. you too.." He'd said back, fighting the urge to get out of bed and move to the couch.
God, why had he been so angry, so scared, so confused? Everything had been fine, they had been doing better than expected, but he still couldn't get it out of his head...
One minute.
Okay, one minute was enough. He'd knocked and waited and now he could leave. He turned around and slapped the button for the elevator, practically jogging in place as he urged the inanimate machine to hurry the hell up and get him out of this place. He hated waiting on the stupid elevator, he hated it more when there were other people in there. Stupid useless hunk of crap, it was meant for lazy people, lazy people who didn't mind ignoring others or doing the exact opposite, which was even less preferable. At least that was one opinion he and his ex-lover had shared, they both preffered the stairs 100 to 1.
And that was exactly why he was taking the elevator.
Finally he heard the mechanical whirring and thunking, and the little bell dinged as the doors opened. He sighed heavily and lifted his foot to take a step when he froze.
Son of a bitch.
Apparently his ex had come to the same conclusion of taking the elevator. Because there he stood, with grocery bags littered around his feet.
His heart plummeted for only a second before it launched up again into his throat like a bungee jumper. He stared straight into the Nara's dark eyes, his surprised eyes, scared eyes. It was Shikamaru this time, not whatever monster he had come across before, whatever unholy demon had possessed his body and made him jump off a roof and somehow survive without the slightest casualty.
He knew that it was him. He looked tired, as he always had. Like he had far too much on his shoulders and no where to unload it. The other Shikamaru had been completley different, though there really was nothing to outwardly express the difference. He was overflowing with malice and this forebodeing sense of darkness, when he'd seen Neji.. Ugh, he didn't even want to think about it.
Shikamaru had wanted to kill him. He knew it, without a doubt. The way his usual warm, calculating eyes had been so hard and unreadable. He'd stared at him so emotionlessly. Shikamaru was never blank like that, sure, he always looked bored to death, but not blank.
That... that was why he had to talk to him now. Why he had to force the lump in his throat down and say something, anything. He had to find out what happened, find out what he'd done to himself, what Neji had caused in his leaving. Neji only prayed silently to any God that was out there, to the universe, and to Karma combined that his leaving did not break some all-important thread that was attaching Shikamaru to his sanity.
He could not live with himself if he did. He could not and he would not.
"Hey.." Shikamaru finally said. With that small sound Neji could no longer hold back his tears. He hated himself for it and he was very close to just punching himself in the face, but he couldn't stop them. It felt so good to hear his voice, the day before last didn't count. The only thing he'd said toward Neji was telling him to leave. And that was not something he wanted to hear, no matter the circumstances. Aside from that he'd only been talking to Hidan.
And the realization that fell over Shikamaru's face as he recognized the fact that Neji was about to cry only made it even harder to stop the downpour. He nodded toward the apartment and gathered his groceries.
"It's unlocked."
Neji whirled around and nearly kicked in the door with his need to get out of this hallway where anyone would walk by and see him breaking down like a little girl. The fact that Shikamaru should not have his door unlocked in a city like this only registered for a second before he chased it away. It would be best not to start out what was likely going to be a bad chat with nagging.
He made it about halfway into the livingroom before he had to stop and close his eyes, taking slow, deep breaths to stop the tears.
It was so bare.. Shikamaru had not even bothered to redecorate, not that he honestly expected him too. There really was nothing in here except the few bits of furniture that had still been here the day he'd left.
It hadn't changed at all, and this fact left Neji feeling even lower than usual.
Shikamaru silently went past him and set the crinkling bags on the floor of the kitchenette, and then walked out just to the point where he could see Neji. He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, taking a long drag before he just stared at him.
He wasn't mad, Neji knew he wasn't mad. And this made his heart ache. He had left him with nothing but a note for 6 months, Shikamaru had to have gone through hell. And yet he... he looked better than ever. In everything but his eyes.
God, he looked like he'd been tortured.
"This is awkward.." The Nara finally said. And Neji felt tears drip down his cheek through his uncomfortable smile.
"I'm sorry." He said, mad at himself for not sounding sorry at all. Shikamaru opened his mouth to say something but Neji put up his hand. He had to get it out before he started blubbering so bad that he couldn't form actual words.
"I'm.. I'm so sorry Shikamaru. Leaving... like I did was horrible. I'm not going to make excuses, it was a cowardly thing for me to do, especially the way I went about it. I just... I didn't know what else to do. I was so confused, I kept having nightmares, I'd have these visions while I was awake.. Everytime I looked at the window or held a knife I just wanted to..." He looked up, sniffing, feeling his heart break at Shikamaru's expression. "I wanted to hurt myself, I wanted to kill myself. Even though I knew Shikamaru, I knew that he was gone, I knew that everything was fine, I knew you loved me and I knew in my heart that I didn't want to die... I couldn't stop it. I was scared.. I was so scared..."
He took a moment to take a breath, and absently shifted just a centimeter closer to his ex.
"I didn't want you to come home... and.." He took a deep breath, but the rest came out in a series of sobs anyway. "And find me in a puddle of my own blood. I couldn't stand the thought of you finding out I committed suicide. And even moreso, I couldn't stand the thought of you taking all the blame onto yourself. I... I would rather you hate me for being a selfish son of a bitch than hate yourself for something that wasn't your fault..."
"Please stop..." Shikamaru said quietly, And Neji did his best to hold back the sobs, hurt that his ex was still standing so far away, as if afraid to come closer, but understanding at the same time.
He stared at him, trying so desperatly to get control of himself. God Shikamaru must think so little of him right now. Just look at him! He looked so amazing, God he was ripped. He was obviously leaps and bounds stronger than he'd ever been, some little pipsqueak could never cause the damage that he'd done while trying to stop himself from turning to human pudding. Hell, Neji had nearly accepted death again when he'd been pursued by his possesed ex-lover.
"Neji.." Shikamaru broke him from his thoughts. He should be happy to hear his name from those lips. He should be consoled, but it was not a good sound. It was not an I'm-happy-to-see you sound, though it wasn't the opposite either.
"I understand... I wasn't ever mad at you. I never hated you..."
Neji wanted to interrupt him with his questions. He wanted to ask him how that could be possible. How he could attack him like that and claim to have never been upset.
Shikamaru sighed and rubbed the back of his neck with his cigarette-free hand. "Well.. I guess that's not entirely true. But.. It's.. it's such a long troublesome story.."
"I have time.." Neji said meekly, and Shikamaru only looked at him as if he'd wanted him to say the opposite.
"I really don't know if that's true though.."
"Shikamaru.."
"Look, Neji. I'm.. I'm really really sorry but I have a hell of a lot on my hands right now. More than I can explain... I just don't know if I could handle your reaction.."
Neji felt his brows arc. His reaction? His reaction to what?
Oh.. Oh yes. The psycho.
He took a deep breath to control the small spark of anger. He could not get mad right now, it was not an option. That would not progress anything, and would probably send them spiraling into a fight.
"I'm obviously well-aware that the psycho is back..." Neji started, and Shikamaru was suddenly pushing past him. He stared at him incredously as he quickly shut the window, locked it, and drew the blind, then moved to the door and locked both the deadbolt and the knob lock. After that he made a beeline into the bedroom, probably checking the window.
When he finally returned he took a stance so close to Neji that chills ran down his spine. It was still Shikamaru... but it was like a Shikamaru from his dreams..
He blinked away the thought, this was absolutly no time for that.
"It's so much more complicated than that Neji.." Shikamaru said quietly, not quite looking into the Hyuga's eyes. "I... I really want to explain. I want to tell you more than anything, but.."
"But... what?"
Shikamaru ran a hand down his face and then suddenly spun around, pacing up and down the hall. Neji just stared in confusion. Was he mad? What the hell had happened? He really had never seen the spikey haired man so troubled. Well, he was always troubled by one thought or another, but to see him so calmly disturbed by this.
Neji really couldn't even imagine what would be causing this action out of the easy-going man.
"Just... start with Hidan.." Neji said, wanting to go wash his mouth out after saying the piece of shit's name. That was what he was most curious about anyway. What kind of relationship did he have with the man, thinking he could order him around like that? Shikamaru wasn't stupid enough to try to force the zealot to go against his fucked up God unless there was a damn good reason behind it.
"That's the most complicated part..." He muttered, coming back and suddenly wrapping his arms so tightly around Neji that the air in his lungs whoosed out. "I'm happy to see you..." He breathed. "I really am, I spent so long wanting this day to come... but really.. you could not have shown up at a worse fucking time.."
Neji wiggled free and grabbed him by the shoulders, it took just about all of his strength not to just lean forward and kiss him. But it was inappropriate, it was far too soon. He couldn't expect some sort of romantic welcome-back, this was real life, not some movie. They had both apparently gone through hell and back.
"Please tell me what's going on..." He pleaded, fighting tears again at the utterly hopeless look in Shikamaru's eyes. They shifted down to rest only briefly on Neji's lips, and his heart fluttered until they went lower still, and then sharpened as the focused onto something.
Neji dropped his hands, instinctively holding them over his throat and taking a step back.
"What is that." Shikamaru said robotically. It wasn't even a question he asked as he stepped back up again and grabbed Neji's wrist to pull it away.
His breath hitched as his ex brushed his hair away and leaned in closer, and the tears started welling up again as he stepped back to take a deep breath, and roll his sleeves up, letting the tears free in silence.
There was no use of hiding it, he'd seen it now, and he would end up finding out. He couldn't hide things from Shikamaru, not even if he put every ounce of wit and strength and determination he had into it. He didn't want him to know, he didn't want to explain, but if He expected as much from his ex, then he had to be willing to talk about the dard truths as well...
He shifted his gaze upward and latched onto the ceiling fan while Shikamaru's hands gingerly ran down the abused skin of his arms. They were rough.. his hands never used to be so rough..
He hiccuped once and then let out a single sob when he felt his ex's grip tighten. His chin was grabbed firmly and pulled down, forcing him to meet the Nara's eyes.
"Who did this to you?" He almost growled, and Neji crumpled within himself as he looked down to his skin. It was marred on every inch by scars. Wounds that had been deep, but not deep enough to kill him. Some were so small and thin that they were hardley noticable, others looked as if someone had taken a hacksaw to him. On his left inner arm the word 'Coward' was carved into him, easily readable as only recently healed scar tissue. It had been the last cut he'd made into himself...
"I did.." Neji whispered, unable to put any more effort into his voice.
And he broke down, he couldn't do it, and he let himself. His sobs grew in volume and became uncontrollable, and without even realizing it until it was already done he threw his arms around Shikamaru's neck and let his legs fall out from under him.
He buried his face in his old lovers new, chisled chest. Relishing in it but also letting him feel the stab of guilt it brought.
He deserved it, he deserved all of it, all of the pain, all of the sadness, all of the blame.
So what if he was his own worst enemy? So what if he was only breaking himself down? He had fucked up so utterly bad that there was no way it could be fixed. He'd made a terrible situation even worse by letting himself give up, by giving into the strange voices he heard, letting them guide his actions, letting them feed on the hatred and depression he felt.
He was so weak, he was a coward.
Not like Shikamaru, he had turned it to something good, he'd improved himself, he'd used it as fuel to turn a bad situation into a good one. Look at him.. He was so put together, there was something definitly wrong with him, but he had not lost it. Not like Neji.
There were days, even weeks that he couldn't remember. When he woke up with some sort of object in his hand, stained with blood. His skin would burn and it would hurt but he would go to the mirror and observe it and be unable to think anything more than Good. That's what you get.
"Neji.." Shikamaru said, the disbelief in his tone only barely overpowering the choked sound of being on the verge of tears.
"I'm sorry!" Neji sobbed uncontrollabley, "It... it was so bad Shikamaru!" He didn't want to talk about this, he didn't want him to know. Because it wasn't about him, it was not Shikamaru's job to worry about him, and he did not want him to put this on his shoulders.
"They would tell me things, little ghosts whispering in my ears. They were always there but I couldn't see them. 'You're going to die..' They kept saying. 'You're going to die no matter what so you might as well accept it.'" He forced himself to take in a breath only for it to come whooshing right back out. "I hated myself. I wasn't strong enough to protect myself, I had to rely on you. I put that burden on your shoulders and thought nothing of it. I blamed you when there wasn't anything you could have done. I said such horrible mean things, I treated you like shit. But you were the only person that I shouldn't have been angry with!"
Shikamaru took a deep breath above him and let it out slowly. Damn, he better not be sitting there smoking right now. This was important!
Ah, no, he was doing it again. Dammit, there was no reason for anger.
"Even though every odd was against you, even with the weight of my life completley in your hands, you pulled it off. You still saved me in the end, you put that psycho in the ground, you fixed us up with a new home, you got a new job, you did everything right. And I still made you feel like shit for it..." He leaned back a little bit to wipe his eyes, and Shikamaru looked down at him with pain etched in every feature.
"I... I gave up. You refused to give up on me, but I gave up... That's why.. That's why I thought you attacked me. You gave me everything and I spat it back in your face... Shikamaru, I would have let you kill me..."
His ex jerked at that, his eyes going wide and his body stiff as if someone had just stabbed him.
"I.. I would have let you. Except I knew.. I knew you wouldn't. I know you.. and.. that wasn't you Shika..." He pushed off even more to stand of his own power, and looked at Shikamaru, still struggling to stop the tears. "I did this, to myself. I don't know why.. I don't really even know how. It was as if wasn't in my own body, like I was in a dream. And I didn't fight it because I was so convinced it was a dream, that I would wake up and be fine. It... it didn't even hurt until I woke up.."
Shikamaru was still silent, staring at him with that indescribable expression.
"My cousin came to visit. You remember Hinata? And she found me in the hallway. There's this beam that goes across it, I had a chain.. one of those dog collars with the spikes on the inside? I was using that to...to.." He couldn't even finish it. "All I could register was this pain in my chest, it hurt so bad I almost couldn't breathe..."
"Neji." Shikamaru suddenly said harshly, grabbing Neji's upper arms. He froze, feeling his heart turn to ice and plummet down to shatter in his stomache. "I.. I think I need to explain some things I've learned to you. Some stuff that's happened to me. I think maybe your actions will make a little more sense."
Neji sniffed again and nodded, unable to release the muscles in his throat enough to speak.
Shikamaru sighed dramatically and moved to put out his cigarette. Then he sat in his recliner, resting his elbows on his knees and his forehead on his fists.
"About.. maybe just short of two weeks ago.. I realized that someone was stalking me."
Neji considered this, already assuming he knew who it was.
"This person stole the tire from my car and returned it with a Jashin symbol painted on the inside. You can probably guess who it turned out to be." Shikamaru lifted his head and looked at Neji, something about him wasn't right to the Hyuga. The way he was looking at him, he didn't like it. It wasn't as if he was looking at 'Neji his lover' anymore, it was like he was looking at a ghost from his past...
"But the thing is, I didn't know he was alive. Apparently everyone else in the world did, but I wasn't on the memo list. I assumed it was another Jashinist seeking revenge for his death. So in an attempt to draw them out and end the problem..." Shikamaru grabbed the bridge of his nose, and Neji's body went numb. What did he do, what the hell happened when he tried to force the stalker that turned out to be Hidan into exposing themselves?
"Long story short... I... eh.. I accidentally swore my devotion to Jashin."
Their eyes met and they both stared for what felt like hours. Neji had to force himself to breathe, that... that was the worst explanation anyone had ever given him. He swore himself to a god of slaughter because he was trying to get some stalker to expose themselves. WHAT THE FUCK!? Why didn't he just call them out!? Why didn't he just turn the tides and start trying to stalk them? It's not as if that idiot albino could have possibley been that good at it! For fuck's sake he could sit still or be silent for more than 5 seconds!
"Okay..." He said, unable to think of any other response that wouldn't start a fight between them. "And.. you think this information will help me becauuuse...?"
"Because, Neji, it was his plan all along. Hidan had been stalking me for four months, four months and I never even noticed. I kept having these nightmares about you, and the whole purpose of them was to trick me subconciously into hating you so that he could take that anger, magnify it, and use it to get what he wanted! What he still wants!"
The baffled and horrified expression Neji was making was the only thing he could register. He heard his own voice squeak out so weakly that he hated himself. "Me. He still wants me."
"Yes." Shikamaru said, standing up and beginning to pace again. "See, I kept having these episodes, as I call them. I was having one when you came back. It was almost exactly the same as what you were describing to me. The only difference was instead of hurting myself, I wanted to hurt other people. I didn't care of the consequences, I didn't care that they had done nothing wrong, I just wanted to maim everyone that I saw." He stopped moving in front of Neji and grabbed both sides of his face gently. "He was working you over too." The Nara's eyes sparked then, and Neji almost burst into tears at seeming the familiar reaction that happened when he managed to fit another piece into the puzzle.
"Because, you already have his mark on you. All you'd have to do is taste your own blood, and kill yourself.. And then.. Then Hidan would have had the okay to kill me, because he wouldn't need me for his plans..." He gave Neji the slightest traces of a smile. "But you didn't. Even if the credit doesn't go to you, it didn't happen. So he went with plan B."
"They sent me to a psyche ward after Hinata found me.." Neji said absently, his eyes clouded over in memory. "I was so scared, I felt like they were going to drug me up and try to kill me in my sleep. I kept fighting them, trying to escape. I think I bit someone once... They had to put me in a straightjacket... I was there for two weeks before I finally started to feel better. Before I felt like my mind was returning to me..."
He was too lost in shock, trauma, and his own recollection to notice the uncomfortable frown on his ex's face.
"I was in therapy for three weeks, I talked to my counselor every day. He helped me make sense out of a lot of things.. I felt like I was finally getting control over my life back. Like I was healing myself through my own strength and determination... That was why I had to come back and see you. I had to face my actions and not only get your to forgive me, but forgive myself. But now.. you're saying that.. it wasn't me. It was that psycho's stupid made-up God?"
"Neji, it was you that fought him off. All I was saying is that it wasn't you that was doing those things. It was him, he had power over you just because of that stupid circle Hidan put on you."
Neji thought this over, and his fists clenched. He knew he shouldn't be angry, it wasn't going to help the situation, but they had both put up with this shit long enough. They could surely kill him, both of them teaming up together. They could both make sure he never saw the light of day again, even if he had to dig the grave himself.
"Where the hell is he?" He growled, not even shocked by the murderous sound of his voice. He had more or less gotten used to hearing such things from himself. Shikamaru hesitated, his brows rising in concern.
"Where.. is he?" Neji growled again, feeling the anger envelop him, feeling rationalization go out the window, feeling that crazy need to blood to be spilled. But this time, it wasn't his own, he had no urge to harm himself. No, he wanted to harm Hidan, he wanted to kill him, he wanted to rip each and every bone out of him with his bare hands and toss them in a wood chipper.
Good luck escaping that one, motherfucker.
"Neji.. I can't tell you.."
"WHY THE HELL NOT!?" Neji barked, and Shikamaru took a step back, not in fear, but in concern. Concern that was not meant for Neji Hyuga.
His eyes narrowed at Shikamaru, he was hiding somthing, what was he still hiding? What more was left to this story? How could it possibley get any more fucked up?
"Uhm.. It's.. it's really complicated..."
"No it's not. He fucking put a curse on me and made me go wallowing through the deepest pits of hell, dragging you along behind me, and all for some stupid fucking deity that he uses to justify his fucking FUCKED UP BRAIN!"
The Nara's face shifted again, he almost looked hurt. He looked defensively hurt, as if Neji had just insulted someone he...
...No way..
No fucking goddamn way.
No. Nononononono! Not again! This couldn't be happening again! He couldn't possibly have fallen for it after everything they'd both been through! NO!
"You like him." Neji Hissed. It wasn't a question, it was an accusation. He knew Shikamaru well enough to know the signs. He'd seen it before, the man always ended up making friends with people he claimed to hate. He'd called Asuma a hardass when he first started his job, he'd called his old friends Naruto and Kiba 'troublesome hyper idiots' when he first met them. Even Neji had first gotten the sense that Shikamaru wanted nothing to do with him when they'd first been introduced.
But none of those people had done the terrible things that Hidan had. None of them had threatened their lives, none of them had actually tried to kill either of them. None of those people had ever done anything except be a little annoying.
Maybe he could accept becoming friends with Hidan once. Neither of them had known, Neji had even just started to feel the tiniest, most atomic sized bit of acceptance for him before he'd been attacked in the middle of the night and had it played off as a nightmare. But to fall for it again? After knowing what he knows? After that freak did the things that he did without remorse or even apology?
Just the day before last he was doing it again! Threatening his life, attempting to kill him. And Shikamaru was going to defend him, after all that.
He was shaking now with anger, and his ex was looking at him with a guilty, apologetic sadness that made his blood boil even more. He took a deep breath, in through his nose, and then let it out through his mouth. Gathering what was left of his patience for force out in a trembling voice.
"What haven't you told me yet, Shikamaru?"
The spikey haired man's shoulders slouched, and the desperation in his body language was like a slap to Neji's face every time he moved. He could strangle him, he could reach out and strangle him right now. How could he be so stupid? How could he be so nieve? How could he betray Neji like this?
He said he didn't hate him, so why was he breaking his heart like this? Why was he doing this to him? Why did he let this happen?
Shikamaru's eyes were flicking to the various exits of the room. He was looking for a way out? Not a chance. Neji could control himself, maybe. He really didn't think it was possible at this point to be any more furious. If Shikamaru would just fill him in, tell him why he's acting this way, at least try to explain how he'd let the fucking zombie psycho trick him again... Maybe he could calm down. Maybe he could understand, he could sure as hell try.
In all honesty, Neji's sudden, unexplained leaving couldn't have possibley been that easy on him. They had both been fighting invisible tigers, struggling with their own demons, it seemed. But damn, he would be less angry if he found out his ex had decided to go straight than finding out he had befriended Hidan again.
"Neji.. I can't tell you if you're going to be like this..."
"FUCKING TELL ME OR I'LL GO HUNT HIM DOWN MYSELF!"
Shikamaru hesitated for a moment before his brow creased in irritation too, and he let his eyes fall to the floor. "You need to calm down so you can understand. I don't want to start playing the blame game, but it's hard to explain without one of us being 'the bad guy'."
What? What did this have to do with him? What the hell was so bad about telling him that he and Hidan had bonded?
Unless, unless there was more to it than that..
Unless he didn't just like him. Unless he really liked him..
Oh no.. Oh God no. This wasn't happening.
"You.. have...feelings for him?" Neji said, his voice almost acidic.
"Neji, I.. I can explain. Well, erm, not really, but I mean I can sort of explain but you have to actually listen-"
"You're fucking attracted to the insane fucking person who has tried to kill me twice now?"
"He tried to kill me to.." Shikamaru said dumbly, and Neji couldn't help but swing at him.
"HOW DOES THAT JUSTIFY IT AT ALL!?" He shouted, letting his byakugan kick in and his fists glow with blue chakra. Realization set in the Nara's eyes. Neji was going to pummel him. "I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF FOR THE WAY I TREATED YOU AND YOU GO SHACK UP WITH HIM!?"
He swung again, it was easily avoided, and Shikamaru just kept babbling. Neji couldn't even hear him anymore, he was way past rationalization.
"What did you let him do to you huh? Did you kiss him? Did you fuck him? Or did he fuck you?" He snarled. "You fucking stupid WHORE! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"
Shikamaru suddenly grabbed both of his wrists and wrapped them around Neji's body, putting him in a hold much like the straightjacket he'd worn. He roared at this and struggled with all his might.
Shikamaru Nara, you will feel the wrath of Neji Hyuga. You traitor, you fucking bastard!
"You left!" Shikamaru shouted into his ear, and Neji stopped thrashing for only a moment. "You left me Neji, all alone. I didn't want to make you feel bad but that's waht happened. You left me alone and Jashin used you in my nightmares. He tortured me, I was so alone, so empty. I couldn't feel anything, I felt like I wasn't even alive. I just wanted to hold you and tell you I'm sorry, I just wanted you back and.. he tricked me Neji. I don't know how to explain it, if you were in my shoes you'd have done the same..."
"How can you say that." The Hyuga hissed. "I would have killed him or died trying."
"I'm.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry but I'm not. I.. I didn't know you were ever going to come back."
"So that made it okay to stab me in the back?"
"Neji please! It's not as easy as you make it sound!"
"I never should have come back.." Neji said suddenly softly, relaxing in Shikamaru's restraining embrace. "I should have known you'd never forgive me.. This is just your way of proving it. To yourself and to me."
"It's not like that.." Shikamaru said, the brunette couldn't see his face but his voice was in enough pain. He closed his eyes and sighed.
Might as well enjoy his arms around me one last time...
It didn't matter if that's how it was or not. He didn't even want to know what the two had done together. But you sure as hell didn't become that attached to someone in two measly weeks without some sort of physical activity to increase the endorphins and make you feel in love. Ugh, he wanted to vomit just thinking about it, God forbid he ever get any images..
Shikamaru.. wasn't his anymore. He would never be again, not in his mind. He felt the tears well up once again as this thought crashed into him. No matter who's fault it was, this.. this bridge had been burned. There would be no going back to the way things were, forgiveness or not.
He had come here with the miniscule hope that maybe he could be the one to fix things this time. That maybe since everything was over, they could try once more. Third time's a charm right? After all, compared to what they'd been through that first time, this kind of shit was nothing. At least it had been nothing. But this was a twist of fate that Neji just could not overlook. He would not. He refused to bend on this situation. Maybe he could have tolerated them being friends those two years ago, but that was it. Shikamaru and Hidan... together? Ugh.. it left a disgusting taste in his mouth that he didn't know if he'd ever be able to rid himself of.
He could forgive Shikamaru, he could sort of understand his situation. Neji had been broken too, if there had been anyone at all there for him, he probably would have clung to them as well.
But Hidan...
Neji's eyes narrowed and his face hardened. He gently pulled himself from Shikamaru and turned around to face him, mustering everything he had to remain impassive. It was the best he could do right now.
"So.. it's over then.." he said quietly, and Shikamaru only responded by clenching his eyes shut.
"It's okay.. You didn't hate me when I fucked up, and I can't hate you either. I love you too much for that..." Shikamaru seemed on the verge of tears now, but Neji pushed the pain that caused away and continued. "But.. It's not the kind of love it used to be... Shikamaru, I think you understand. It's not the same, it can't ever be.. I don't think.. that we can overcome this one.."
"Please don't leave me again..." His ex whispered so quietly that the brunette almost didn't hear. Again he stiffened against the flood of emotion and the almost tangible cracking of his heart. He could not be weak anymore, he no longer had anyone to protect him. He had to do it himself, he had to stop being a coward, he had to handle his own messes.
"It's okay. Really Shika. Look at you, you did just fine without me. You look amazing, the things you can do are amazing. I need to do that too, I can't keep dragging you, or anyone else down. If I know that you're here to protect me, I won't ever have the motivation to improve. I.. I would like to say we can still be friends but, we both know that that can't happen."
Neji reached up, standing on his tiptoes, and grabbed Shikamaru's chin to turn it ever so slightly. He could not bear to kiss him, not a real one, not knowing that the psycho's may or may not have been there too. But he had to do something, he needed the closure as well as his ex.
So he kissed him on the cheek, he could handle that much.
"You'll always be one of the best parts of my life, but.. it's not over yet. I need to get on with it, we both do. Goodbye." He stepped around the spikey-haired man and started for the door. He had just unlocked it and turned the knob when Shikamaru spoke up again.
"Neji.."
He pulled the door open and turned around, smiling an actual smile despite how he wanted to go leap out the window.
"Please. Please stop swearing.."
He managed to force out a chuckle even though those three words caused him more pain than anything else he had heard today. His insides were melting in a vat of acid within him, but he could stand it. He could do this, he knew he could. He'd beaten the advances of a God, apparently. He could live with a broken heart.
"I'll work on it.. " He said softly, before closing the door behind him.
-o-
The rapping on the window confused him for a moment. He had been pretty preoccupied with staring blankly at the carpet, letting his emotions come and go through him like the shift of tides in a tsunami.
He just couldn't function enough to do anything right now. He.. he just had nothing left. He had nothing to live for, he was Jashin's slave, Neji was gone forever, and he may or may not be falling for a satal mastochist serial killer. Hell, he might even be becoming one!
Again there was tapping, and it finally registered with him that someone was knocking on the window. Who the hell knocked? Itachi and Hidan both usually just barged right in.
Possibilities flew through his head like a flipbook as he somehow managed to push himself up to his feet and yank the blind, sending it reeling when he released it. Violet eyes greeted him mischieviously and Shikamaru only sighed and rolled his eyes as he undid the lock. Of course Hidan would be back and smiling like an idiot, as if the last time they'd seen each other he hadn't gone off on some rant and then stormed off.
"Do you really have to bug me right now?" He said wearily, flopping back into his easy chair.
Hidan chuckled as he stepped into the room. "You know I do, pineapple head. Hey, I'm here to help you, cause I'm such a nice guy. Look, I brought you a fucking gift!"
A crinkled bag suddenly landed in Shikamaru's lap. And his brow arched as he studied it, What the hell was this? 'Heavy duty flooring protector? Easy to clean, easy to install.' He snorted, despite his current mood, and looked up at Hidan with amused question on his face.
"Don't act retarded. It's for your floor, Kakuzu got that for me once, it actually works really good. Nothing gets through, and all you gotta do is hose the fucker down."
"Hidan.. I don't plan on doing any more praying."
"What!?" Hidan nearly growled. "Don't fuck with me. Seriously, I'm still not in the mood for your bullshit."
Shikamaru sighed and set the tarp on the floor so he could pull out a cigarette and light it up. He took a slow inhale and then released it, all without breaking eye contact.
"The last two times I did, you took advantage of me. Everything just keeps getting more and more fucked up every time I listen to you, or do anything for your benefit."
"Hey! You sure as hell didn't fucking resist very hard!"
"I didn't know what was going on! I was drugged! I could accuse you of rape!"
Hidan stared for a heartbeat before bursting almost violently into a fit of laughter. As mad as this made Shikamaru, he couldn't help be be a little amused at the thought himself.
"Hey. You came on to me, Kay? You started it. You're the whore, not me." Hidan said in between laughing fits. "Jashin has no use for rape. He wants souls, not sex."
"Dammit Hidan..." Shikamaru said, pinching the brudge of his nose and trying really hard not to laugh. Damn, Hidan's laughter was contagious. It was hilarious sounding and yet appealing at the same time. He remembered the first time he'd really heard him laughing honestly and not in some insane drug-enduced frenzy, it was the very first (and also very last) time Neji had ever gotten high. Even then he'd liked it... "Why do you have to make my life so difficult?"
"You're the only one making it hard. Stop putting so much thought into it, seriously. How fucking much is it helping? Even you keep saying it keeps making shit worse."
"No, not thinking things through is what keeps making things worse. You really think I sat there and contemplated how to have sex with you?"
"Stop acting like you didn't enjoy it... Oh Fuck, FOOD!" Hidan's voice trailed out from the kitchen. Shikamaru lurched from his char and darted in just in time to rip a bag of chips from Hidan's hands before he opened them.
"HEY! Stingey bastard, gimme that back! It's my favorite!"
"Anything edible is your favorite you glutton.. it's a wonder you're not obese."
"Because I'm alive with the glory of Jashin." Hidan said, reaching around Shikamaru for the bag. "Seriously give it here, I'm fucking starving."
"Go buy your own food!" Shikamaru said, opening a cabinet door and stuffing the bag in. "Quit relying on me! That's bad, remember?" He slammed the cabinet shut and turned onto to find the elder man crouched down and rummaging through the bags like an excited 6-year-old.
"HIDAN! Fucking quit!" He grabbed the man by his shoulders and pushed off with his legs, trying to pull him off only to lose his balance and fall on his ass with a rather heavy albino on top of him. "Damn, you're heavier than you look."
"Hey quit trying to grope me you pineapple headed fucker!" Hidan half-shouted, squirming to get back to the bags.
"You're immortal, you don't need to eat my goddamn food! I spent my whole paycheck on those!" Shikamaru wouldn't let go, and to be quite honest this was kind of fun. Hidan was certianly a lot harder to overpower than Neji had been when they'd had their little wrestling matches...
Oh shit, why was he playing with Hidan? It was just as bad as flirting.
He immediatly let go with horror at this thought, and Hidan fell forward, smacking his head on the dishwasher. The feeling vanished and replaced itself with laughter at the scene. Oh man, he really had lost it, to have only minutes ago been almost in tears as Neji broke up with him again, and now... whatever this was..
"THAT FUCKING HURT!" Hidan barked, whirling around and diving on top of Shikamaru, who couldn't help but keep laughing at the sincere glare the zealot was giving him. It was priceless! The whole thing was! He wished he'd had a video camera.
And then his laughter died away.
His heart jumped up into his throat for the millionth time within a couple weeks.
His breath was stolen and he heard a moan somwhere between surprise and enjoyment rumble deep in his throat.
His entire body warmed at the sensation of lips against his. That wicked agressive mouth that he knew with sober clarity this time most certianly belonged to Hidan. It was only now that he realized that his arms were pinned and Hidan was straddled over his one leg to where the silver haired Jashinists ass was pressed against Shikamaru's thigh.
Dammit, it was happening again. Hidan was doing this on purpose, proving that he didn't have to be under any sort of pressure from Jashin to admit that he wanted it. That they both wanted it.
He.. he knew he should probably pull away. What with the memory of Neji's goodbye kiss so fresh on his mind, even if it had only been a peck on the cheek. But at the same time the thought made him pull his right hand free and tangle his fingers in those silver tresses once again. Hidan gave a low growl and pushed himself harder against Shikamaru, deepening the kiss.
Tongues fought for dominance, hands began to roam, and all too soon Hidan pulled away, licking his lips.
"See?" He purred, "You can't resist me, sober or not."
Shikamaru felt his brows drop in irritation and he pushed Hidan into a somersault over the top of him with his thigh. The zealot just laughed, but Shikamaru's mood was ruined.
Fucking tease.
"You're a bastard." He muttered, trying to focus on putting the groceries away so that his little 'problem' down below would go away without facing Hidan's ridicule.
"Can't argue with that." Hidan laughed from the livingroom, Shikamaru heard crackling and tearing as he tore open the 'gift' he'd gotten for the Nara. Hell no, there was no way he was going to humor him now, the asshole. Not after that little stunt.
"I'm not praying with you."
"Uh huh.. Sure you're not."
"I'm not kidding. I refuse."
"You keep telling yourself that pineapple head."
Shikamaru slammed the refridgerator door shut and stomped into the livingroom. "You're fucking insane if you think I'm going to do what you want after that bullshit in the kitchen."
Hidan looked at him in amusement, the tarp halfway unfolded. "Mm, you want me that bad huh?"
"NO!" Shikamaru answered quickly, probably a little too quickly. "I hate it when you fuck with my head like that!"
"Which one?" Hidan replied casually, going back to unfolding the tarp and grimacing at the couch. It would obviously have to be lifted up, the damn thing was a big as the entire livingroom. Shit, had he gotten the super XXL or what?
"Shut up! Ugh, you're so fucking troublesome.." He said, letting himself fall on the couch Hidan had just started moving to. He grinned inwardly at himself, two could play these immature little games. "Why can't you just be like a normal person.."
"You mean like your boy-toy?" Hidan said, and Shikamaru met his eyes. He was standing there in front of him with his arms crossed, half-glaring.
"No, that's not what I meant." The Nara said, really not wanting to go there. He had somehow gotten into a better mood, and he didn't want to get on that topic again.
"The what the hell do you mean? Cause you fucking confuse the shit out of me too!" Hidan said unexpectedly. Shikamaru froze, he really hadn't seen something like that ever coming out the man's mouth.
"How am I confusing?" He asked slowly.
"Because! Like, what the hell!? You're weird sometimes! You do weird shit!"
Oh yes, that cleared the air.
"Like what?"
Hidan growled and went back to trying to figure out the 'floor protector' situation. "Well, like. You didn't kill me, first of all. Then I go and make an ass of myself that one time, and you push me away, and tell me to get lost. And then next time I see you you're all over me. Then your boyfriend comes back and you push me away again. I can't figure out what the fuck you want me to do here."
"Hidan.." Shikamaru said tirely. What though? He was right, in all honestly. But it was so much more compliacted than that. How did he know what was really happening? How was he supposed to know if this still wasn't just some part of Jashin's scheme. He'd already lost Neji, and as much as he hated to say it, he didn't want to lose Hidan, even if he did make his life a living hell.
He liked him. He really did.
"I heard the whole thing, Pinapple head. I don't know why, I really just came because I was starving my ass off and Itachi fucking destroyed the place where I was staying. The asshole. But I stayed and listened to the whole fucking thing."
Shikamaru was at a loss for words now, he'd heard all of that? He'd listened to Neji rant and rave about him and not intervene'd? He hadn't stormed in pissed all to hell and tried to attack either of them?
Why?
"It was pathetic, really. Lol, you two make me wanna throw up."
"Why'd you listen then?" Shikamaru asked softly, he didn't like the way Hidan was acting all the sudden. Whenever he started saying things like these they got into a discussion, and he saw a little deeper into Hidan each time. And each time it only made the puzzle harder to solve.
"I don't know. I felt weird... like.. When princess said he tried to kill himself.. he kept cutting himself.. He says he didn't know why he did it but he's lieing."
"He said he did it because he hated himself. And I'm pretty sure he was being pursuaded by Jashin just a bit too."
"He did it just to feel something, pineapple head. Don't blame everything on Jashin. Yeah, maybe he was involved, I don't fucking know, he doesn't tell me everything. But unless you are a full on desciple, and willing accept him, he can't make you do shit."
Shikamaru remained silent, and Hidan finally gave up on the tarp and turned to him. "It made me mad. Like, where the hell does he come off acting like that? But.. something else too. I don't know what.."
Yeah Hidan, where does he come off acting like he had nearly been murdered twice? "Like.. empathy? Was it like what you felt when you first found me?"
Hidan looked at him, his eyes unreadable, his stance rigid. He was thinking, Shika knew. Trying to process the thoughts into words, trying to decided if they were words that could be said, trying to figure out the best way to word them. Wishing he didn't have to say them at all. Hidan really was smarter than he acted.
"It reminded me of myself..." He finally said, so low that it was almost inaudible.
Shikamaru felt like he'd just been punched in the gut. Neji reminded Hidan of himself? Those two were on other sides of the universe in personalities. He... he really didn't know what to say. What could you say to that? How do you console a Hidan? He'd probably punch him in the face if he tried to hug him.
Maybe, he should pursue it? The enigma of a man was opening up a little, it was a chance to understand more. A chance to find more peices to fit into place.
But how did it remind him of himself? Neji had been so depressed, so traumatized. He was hearing voices and seeing things, and he didn't have Shikamaru there to... Oh, wait.. Was that it? Kakuzu's death? He'd felt like that when he died?
"After you found out about Kakuzu?" Shika asked gently, he had to be careful, at any moment Hidan could decide he'd given away enough and close himself off again. And how he would react would remain a mystery until it was done and over with. There was never any way to predict such things with such people as the Jashinist.
"No.. well.. yes. I was just pissed then.." Their eyes met again and Shikamaru was surprised to discover a softness in them. They weren't wet or on the verge of tears at all, but there was this strange vulnerability to them.
"I didn't even tell him goodbye. I mean, he was always fucking there, he always came back. But he didn't this time..."
Shikamaru shifted, trying to fight the uncomfortable feeling blooming in him. This was strange, even for Hidan. He never talked like this, or about things like this. It was always a matter of sifting through his little hints and riddles. Even if he was usually brutally honest, he didn't talk about himself.
"Being alone.. pineapple head... it sucks. Losing your mind all by yourself, when you can't fucking figure out what's real, what you're actually feeling. Physical pain is the only relief. The only thing that's definitley real. And when there's no hope of death to save you, it just makes it all the worse."
Shikamaru's chest clenched up. Oh no.. He.. he was telling him what he'd gone through when Jashin first took hold of him.. What Shikamaru was going through now, what Neji had had to fight off. It.. it was the same for everyone, apparently. Maybe Hidan hadn't always been a psycho. Maybe he'd been normal before.. Maybe he hadn't even wanted to embrace the religion.
No.. you had to accept it to get as far up the chain of command as he was. But.. perhaps he'd had no other choice. He'd had nothing to fight for, nothing to resist. But then, where did Kakuzu come in? After it was already done? How long had they been together? How old were they?
"Hidan.. How did you become a Jashinist?" He asked, but his spirits sank when hidan's eyes flicked back over to him. They were back to normal, this conversation was over.
"Bahh, that's a fuckin' story for another time. Maybe after you pray with me some more. I know you're obsessed with me but I gotta have my privacy too y'know?"
Shikamaru's brow furrowed, he wouldn't fight it. If Hidan didn't want to keep talking, he wouldn't make him. He was having a hard enough time letting what he'd already said sink in. He actually felt bad for Neji... It was like fucking Twilight Zone in here!
"I'm not obsessed with you!"
"Tch, you know you are. Don't feel bad though, I'm obsessed with me too."
"Ohh, shut up."
"Mm, you love the sound of my voice pineapple head."
"Seriously, stop talking and help me put this stupid thing on my floor."
"Awe, so you like it?! I thought you would, and now you don't have anything to bitch about. Win-win."
"Goddammit Hidan, shut the hell up!"
-o-
A/N-
Hmmm...
I'm not sure what to sayyy about this chapter.
Other than DRAMA-BOMB!
Heh, and a few more threads are woven together in this wonderful story of suspense and magical unicorn shit! Hopefully it all makes sense, I'm much more confident with this chappie, mostly because I got some rest and I'm pumped.
Actually that's a lie I was sicker than hell this morning, the only reason this is done is because I didn't go to work and I couldn't sleep because my stomache is being a huuuuge bitch right now.
But yea, anyway, enjoy my lovelies and don't forget to mother-effing REVIEWWWWW!