Recurring Nightmares
Shit.
This was hard. Everything was hard now.
It was so goddamn irritating. He'd turned into such a pansy, seriously. Feeling bad like this, guilty. Regret was useless, guilt was useless. Never before had he ever, ever felt the two at the same time. Not even when Kakuzu died.
But... maybe it was that scar that caused this feeling. That still-tender spot that made it hard even to think about it. His mind instantly pushed it away, as he had subconciously trained himself to. This was what happened when you allowed yourself to care.
Bullshit. Bullshit is what happens.
He sat on the tallest branch of a Cedar tree, high up in the mountians. The view was breathtaking, or would be if he could take a second to focus on it.
Thank you Jashin for your bounty. He quickly prayed in his head, letting pale lids open to expose the violet iris behind.
Fuck... Two excruciatingly long weeks later, and he still couldn't get that Pineapple headed fucker off his mind. It just wasn't right. What kind of black fucking magic had that bastard used on him?
He couldn't deny that the kid was sexy, seriously, some of the shit he did would cause anyone an instant hard-on. Falling from a building and trashing the entire street, taking a sword through the chest and still threatening the Princess's life, taking out three of Kakuzu's hearts in a matter of minutes?
Jashin he was getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
But really... Shikamaru had basically been his student. Well, student with benefits. And for one fucking reason or the other he was now probably capable of surpassing the zealot as Jashin's favorite desciple.
And that wasn't okay. Hidan did not simply get replaced, and especially not in his religion.
Kakuzu's angry shout tore him from his thoughts, and he twisted to glare down at him.
"What the fuck do you want?"
Equally hate-filled eyes met his, and a shiver ran down his spine. Kakuzu was wearing the leather duster...with no mask...
Oh baby.
"Get down. We have a bounty." He growled, turning and starting slowly down the incline.
"Tch. Don't fuckin' tell me what to do you old fart." He muttered to himself, stretching his back. No reason to say it louder, he would just be ignored.
He leaned farther backward until he fell from the branch, reaching out and catching the one below. He swung his body forward, letting go only for his knees to curl around another even lower branch. He continued his gymnastics display until he was only 10 feet from the ground, and then just leaped from the weak limb he was balancing on to the forest floor.
Kakuzu had moved them to the shitty little cabin they co-existed in now about a week after they'd left the city. Apparently he wanted something out in the middle of nowhere where Hidan couldn't do so much damage. It was a good point, but it still sucked.
Being miles and miles away from civilization had it's pro's and con's obviously. The crappiest of which being the fact that there wasn't anything to fucking do. The albino had grown tired of wandering around trying to kill whatever animal was unfortunate enough to cross his path. And he'd pretty well already memorized the forest within a two mile radius from their house.
Fuck, it was no wonder he couldn't stop thinking about the Pineapple head. He sure had fucking kept things insteresting.
Another con was the fact that you pretty well had to self sufficient. That meant killing and cooking your own food, that meant no electricity, that meant taking a shit in a fucking pitch black outhouse in the middle of he night.
Kakuzu had a garden. A FUCKING GARDEN!
He'd laughed himself nearly to death when the old man had proposed the idea, and then after recovering from the image of big bad Kakuzu in a gardening hat and apron, he'd been forced to help dig up the ground. And as if that hadn't been enough punishment, the bastard made him go find animal shit to fertilize it.
Seriously... what the fuck was he thinking moving them way out here?
"Oi! Why don't you walk a little slower, maybe we'll get to town within the next fucking year." He said, easily catching up.
"The higher elevation has less oxygen. Unlike you, I prefer not to kill myself if it can be avoided."
"Bah, just admit that your old bones can't take it. Really Kuzu, why did we have to come stay up here?" He said, kicking at a pebble and then swearing when it bounced off a treetrunk and ricocheted directly into the middle of his forehead.
"Idiot..." older man muttered.
"Hey, don't dodge the question! Why can't we just find some dinky little town or something like always?" He rubbed his forehead as he walked. He pulled his hand away and frowned at the lack of blood. Jeez, getting an injury without bleeding was like a slap to the face...literally.
"Because you keep getting us kicked out."
"That's not true! You pack up and leave before anyone has the chance!"
"That's the point."
"Tch. I think you're just scared." He said, not realizing that Kakuzu had stopped until he was a couple yards in the lead.
He whirled, grimace turning to amusement at the glare he received from the 'older' man. "Aahh, is that it? You're scared of dying again huh!?" He chuckled as Kakuzu continued walking.
"If I were afraid of that we would not be going on another bounty, Hidan." He said, pulling the bingo book from his pocket.
The zealot peeked over his shoulder, but growled when the man in front slapped it shut. "Hey.. I think I'm onto something here eh? That's why you're dragging me along! In case you get attacked by more Jashinists!" Hidan's voice grew louder and louder in his excitement.
"It is a precaution, yes."
"HAH! You ARE afraid!"
"Planning ahead does not make one afraid, it makes them prepared."
Hidan slapped him on the back, "It's okay Kuzu, I'll protect yo-"
Before he could finished he was grabbed by the face and thrown forward, toppling ungracefully down the incline. Straighting his feet, he skidded to a halt with his heels sunk into the dirt and twisted around.
"YOU OLD BASTARD! Why you always gotta resort to fucking violence!" He turned back around to inspect his scuffed elbow mid-sentence.
"Because you won't shut up unless I do." Kakuzu said casually, sauntering past him without a glance.
"Just cos' you're embarrased doesn't give you the fucking right to throw me down a mountian."
"If you continue to run your mouth then this trip is going to become very painful for you."
The silver-hair gave an irritated sigh and stood up, brushing the dirt from his dark cloak. It was a weird, kind of velvetey material, but he liked it. It was soft and kept him warm up here in this frigid air. And the best part was that the inside was this awesome deep, shiney black that when it caught the light just right, reflected purple.
It was the exact color of the Pineapple Head's chakra.
He wasn't being obsessive, and he wasn't acting like a broken-hearted teen girl either. It was an awesome fucking color, one that reminded him of the little badass he used to run around with. And besides, it was thanks to the spikey haired kid that he could do half the shit he could do now. Kakuzu almost seemed mad at the fact that obtaining the kids abilities made this whole living-in-the-wilderness thing a hell of a lot easier. Ever tried to run down a moose with nothing but a scythe? No chakra to boost your speed, no extra strength to cut it's head clean off, and if the fucker knocked your weapon out of your hands, you were fucked. That's two tons of fat-fucking-moose smashing down repeatedly onto your ribcage with goddamn pointy fucking hooves.
Yeah, if anything, Kakuzu should be happy he could do these things. Otherwise he really wouldn't EVER stop whining!
"I don't see why I can't just jump you up there. Why do we have to walk?" He droned again, pushing a low hanging branch out of his way as he caught up to Kakuzu.
"Because that technique is not yours and you don't know how to do it correctly. It also drains a massive amount of your borrowed chakra. We need to conserve our energy."
"Don't know how to- Are you retarded? Just because it makes you sick to your old, wrinkley stomache. If you'd just accept Jashin into your life he would give you a nice young body." This was true, hell, he himself was hundreds and hundreds of years old. Was there a single wrinkle anywhere on him? Cellulite? Armflaps? Nope, he'd be twenty-two until the day the earth blew up and he went hurdling through space, laughing while everyone else suffocated and died.
Wait a second... twenty two! That's how old he was! Well.. how old he'd been when he died and been resurrected.
He choked suddenly, as if someone had a grip around his throat and was squeezing so tightly that his eyes would pop out of his head. His body locked up and he fell backward onto the declining terrain.
The memory came flooding back, and the sky above him faded away, replaced with a soggy, concrete brick ceiling lit by flickering torchlight. He heard sobbing, and looked down to find a dark-haired man slumped over the side of his bed, or what he assumed was a bed, it looked more like a blanket thrown over some hay.
He tried to say something, to ask where the fuck he was, what was going on, who the hell this stranger was, but only a moan came out. And the horrible agony he remembered being in came flooding into every inch of him.
The crying man looked up, he had a ponytail on the lower portion of his head that spiked out backward. A few stray chunks of his bangs had worked loose and fell down over his face. His eyes, so dark and calculating, so full of intelligence as well as pain and hopelessness, red from the tears still leaking freely widened when their eyes locked.
Holy fucking hell, it was the Pineapple head. No, that wasn't possible.. but, holy shit it looked just like him. Only wearing random scraps of fabric for clothes, and his head didn't look so pineappley at the moment.
"You're alive.." The stranger said, nearly sending Hidan into hysteria. He sounded just like the kid too, but with a heavy accent. Holy shit what was going on here?
"It worked! I brought you back!" The not-pinepple head cried out, scrambling to his feet only long enough to pounce and wrap his arms around Hidan. Again he tried to ask what happened, who this person was, where the hell they were, but he could do nothing but wheeze.
Get off me you idiot! He wanted to say, but couldn't. It hurt so bad, being smashed like that. His body felt like it had been asleep, all pins and needles. His very skin burned with the return of bloodflow.
"I killed him Hidan! I managed to do it! I cut him into bits and buried him. He can't keep living unless he keeps sacrificing! I gave Jashin my soul so he'd give you the immortality. And it worked! YOU'RE ALIVE!"
He was squeezed even further as the stranger buried his head into the nape of his neck. Dammit! Why couldn't he talk!?
"Your soul.." He heard his own voice grumble out, the same heavy accent pervading it. What the hell, he hadn't meant to say that. He was talking without his own permission.. What was this
Tears leaked even heavier from the dark eyes as he lifted his head and stared so close that their noses nearly touched. "Yes.. He.. he said he wanted it. I don't know what for. He said he was going to need it later on.. But.. That's not what's important. How do you feel?"
"Aweful.." He croaked, trying to move his body.
"Perfect. That just proves that this isn't a dream. I thought you were dead for good! I thought I'd failed you.."
Hidan's eyes widened then as the man leaned forward and kissed him, cupping the sides of his face. No, wait, this wasn't right! Men.. men didn't kiss each other! No wait, yes they did. Why was he thinking that? He did it all the time...
The man pulled away and smiled. "Now you can kill them all. You can send their souls to Jashin and let him pass judgement on them for all they've done to us. They can't keep us apart anymore, we're children of Jashin Almighty."
Hidan stared blankly. Yes.. yes. The entire village hated them. Because they knew of their secret. Men couldn't like men, it was a sin. It was blasphemous, they worshipped the devil, they must be burned at the stake. His wife even, turned against him, when she of all people should know that he never loved her. She'd lied as much as anyone, telling the townspeople she couldn't have children, when the fact of the matter is he couldn't bear to be with her in that way.
He.. he remembered everything!
The Hyuga man who'd travelled around the world, the man they'd tried to kill but couldn't. The immortal man, the one who'd taught them in the ways of Jashin, the one who'd accepted them, told them that they had been brought together for a reason. The man who'd taken them on as his students, taught them how to do a circle, how to make an offering, how to meditate. How could he have forgotten all this!? How could he have been a follower of Jashin all along without even knowing it?
"You look more beautiful than before Hidan. You should see yourself.." The stranger said, brushing a silver lock out of his eyes. "You're like an angel.. It's so perfect.. I wouldn't even know it was you if I hadn't been sitting here..."
He was about to comment when his face erupted in a stinging pain, like he'd been slapped, and suddenly a huge channel of air whoosed into his lungs. He hadn't even realized he'd been dreaming.. wait.. no. This wasn't a dream. His lover had killed their master, murdered him in cold blood. How could he do such a thing?
"You.. you killed him!?" His own still-gravelley voice said, making the dark haired man's eyes go wide.
"Yes, I had to Hidan. You were dying! To.. to kill someone you love is the ultimate sacrifice.. remember? I had to do it, I had to save you!"
"You killed our master!" The only person to have ever accepted them, the only person to let them be themselves. The only person that didn't make him hate himself for feeling the way he did, the only human to take away the steady ache in his chest he'd been living with for so long, the nearly unbearable but always intangible pain of loving someone he couldn't have. He was dead, the only being in the world he'd ever loved had been murdered by the.. the other man he loved.
"His soul is mine. I want it now." A bone rattling voice whispered into his ear. He knew who it was without knowing. He wanted it now.. Oh Jashin. No.. not already. Not now.
No.. no. Please don't make me do it...
"A deal is a deal. Give it to me."
I.. I can't. You can't ask me to do this!
"It is only temporary, my child. Use the anger, use the frustration, use the pain."
He screamed, his body suddenly flooding with the unwanted power. Feeding on his emotions, forcing his body upward, shoving his lover off him in the process. The ponytailed man said something, but he couldn't hear him. He could only see the look of fear in his still-wet eyes.
He kept screaming, he couldn't stop. It hurt, it hurt so bad. He couldn't do it. Not on his own. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening.
Please Jashin..no..
Another sharp pain in his cheek. What the hell was that? What was going on?
His hand wrapped around the his terrified lovers throat, still screaming. He couldn't stop, he couldn't do it. No..nonono.. he had to stop himself. He couldn't live through this, not without at least one of them.. His master was gone already..
The dark haired man didn't fight it. He only stared in horror, breathing heavily at Hidan, like a poor helpless rabbit about to keep beheaded and skinned. Deep black eyes stared into his very soul, killing him in the worst possible way.
Don't look at me.. don't look at me while I kill you.
With his other arm he reached out to the floor, grabbing the first chunk of stone he found, and without even sparing it a second thought he closed his eyes, smashing it into the mans skull while he held him in place by the throat.
His scream turned into a laugh at the sight of the blood, and he leaned forward to lick it off. He pushed up to his feet, unable to control his body while his head and heart alike wailed in agony. Jashin had him, he was going to take his only reason for living. The person who had gave him his life back so they could share it was going to die by his very own possessed hands.
He dragged the weakly struggling body across the dirty, bloodsoaked floor. He heard the pleading and begging. He heard apologizing, he heard the man scream out his name and tell him he loved him. Hidan broke with each one, his insides shattered as he wished so openly for death. Anything to stop this from happening. How could he go on like this? Without him? What was the point?
I give it back. I don't want it... don't make me... don't make me live like this.
"Make a circle." His gritty, accented voice said, throwing the profusely bleeding man to the floor. He twisted around, staring back up at him in betrayal and sorrow. "He wants you now. Make. A. Circle."
Stop it. Just stop it! Why couldn't he stop!? Oh No please, someone wake him up. He couldn't relive it. He couldn't do it.
I don't want to remember! Take it away! Take it away!
The man slowly wiped his own blood off and made the Jashin symbol around himself, and then grabbed pulled the sword from it's sheath, handing it up to Hidan with his head bowed. He wasn't even going to put up a fight. He was going to succumb to the slaughter god's will just like that. When they'd not had but a moment together in his new life.
"Make it fast.. please.." He sobbed quietly.
Stop it.
"I love you Hidan."
STOP IT!
"I sacrifice myself so you can live. Let Jashin lead you, and don't resist."
His body raised the weapon above his head, eyes stinging and teeth clenched. He fought it with all his might. His body hesitated, shaking so violently he thought he might be able to just wiggle the sword free of his grip.
"See you later." His voice said, and he felt a hot tear stream down his cheek. Doe-like eyes stared back up at him, grinding the shards of his heart into dust.
"I hope so..."
And then the blade came down, forcing it's way through his own chest.
xx
He flailed back into awareness, His fist colliding with something and someone shouting in shock and pain as he gasped for air.
In the next second the side of his face exploded with pain and the other side smashed into soil. He groaned, not even trying to get up and in fact letting the rest of his body fall limply to the ground.
"Dammit Hidan!" Someone growled behind him. It took a few moments and a few more breaths of air before he could finally attach a name to the sound.
"Kah...Kakuzu?"
"You broke my nose you idiot.." His partner said, and Hidan whimpered again as a sharp kick sent more pain reeling through his body.
"Stop.. hurting me.." He moaned, trying to will the memories away, trying to resist the sobs teetering just on the edge of his voice. He didn't cry. He never cried. And especially not in front of the athiest, money-grubbing old man.
"Then get up. You've wasted half an hour laying there, passed out. We could be at sea-level by now."
Hidan listened quietly to the snapping of twigs as the older man walked away, and he clenched a fistful of dirt in his hand, trying to get himself to get up and follow. That's what the stinging had been.. Kakuzu was trying to slap him awake. It had been a dream.. but not so much a dream as.. a vision. An unwilling vision he'd received of the memories his mind had blocked.
Jashin.. Why'd you make me remember..?
It wasn't fair... He'd given the slaughter God everything. Everything. How could he bring those terrible memories back? How could he put him through that nightmare again? How could he make him look into those eyes... Pineapple heads eyes.. But that wasn't him, his name hadn't been Shikamaru then.. It was.. what was it?
Dammit, he couldn't even give him a name? Not even his masters name?
Jashin you cruel bastard...
"Kakuzu.. wait." He grunted, forcing chakra into his arms to give him the strength to push himself to his knees. He felt so weak now, with no willpower. All the zealousy was gone. He.. he couldn't.. he couldn't do it.. how could he go on knowing what he'd done? Remembering that aweful night.. he would rather have just gone on thinking he was insane. And... he was. Who wouldn't have gone insane from such a thing? Living that kind of life and being forced to do those kinds of things...
The footfalls stopped, and he turned to find the 'older' man staring back at him. It was a glare at first, and then something softened. Three slow heartbeats went by when the man in the leather trenchcoat finally turned and came back, stopping to stand over Hidan. The Jashinist couldn't do anything but stare pathetically up at him, as if expecting him to help in some way but not knowing how. Kakuzu couldn't make them go away. They would be forever branded there in his mind. Looking into eyes taht were Shikamaru's.. but not. Eyes pleading for mercy, for life. Being told he was loved... He.. he'd never heard anyone say those words to him since then. Since all that time ago, since Mideavil times. Before anything that he could remember living without...
"What's wrong?" Kakuzu's deep, even voice asked.
He opened his mouth to answer.. but he couldn't think of what to say. I just remembered the day after I died? Yeah, that wouldn't sound rediculous. Somehow he stood up, wobbling on his feet. Kakuzu's eyes narrowed before Hidan fell forward, saying a silent prayer when the coffee-skinned man actually caught him.
"I.. I can't.." he muttered, his throat starting to burn. Oh no.. Oh Jashin no don't let him start crying. He couldn't cry on Kakuzu like this. He would just drop him or hit him or tell him to shut up...
"Why am I... alive? I don't.. I don't want to anymore.." He finally said, feeling a drop race down his cheek. No dammit, this was so pathetic. Kakuzu was silent, but didn't drop him or hit him.
"It hurts again.." he whispered closing his eyes tightly shut. It was the same feeling. The hopeless, lost, empty hole sitting there throbbing in the place where his heart should be. "It hurts so bad."
Damn, why did his sanity have to return now? Why couldn't he just brush this away like everything else? he couldn't just shake it off and move on, and quite frankley it was pissing him off. This was bullshit, feeling so weak and vulnerable. And of course it had to bee in the middle of the fucking wilderness with no one but Kakuzu to comfort him.
Why did he even need comforting? God he was centuries old, right? Why the fucking hell did he even still feel anything anymore?
The arms holding him squeezed tighter, and his eyes flashed open. Cautiously, he lifted his head to look into green and red eyes. They stared down at him half-lidded, not angry or awkward.
"I remember.. Kuzu. What happened when I lost my mortality.." He muttered, staring up in awe at the foreign emotion of the older man's face. "I don't want to.. Make it go away again.."
"I'm not your scapegoat.." The taller man murmered, his actions betraying him as he lowered his head further and brought their lips gently together. It was a simple little kiss, nothing more than a peck, but the pain suddenly felt far away, and his heart didn't feel like it was being ripped from his chest any longer.
Kakuzu pulled his head back and ran a hand through the silver hair. "Well all have our nightmares. You just have to make reality worth waking up to. That's the secret to living forever."
Finally Hidan managed to crack a smile, and the stitched corners of his lovers mouth twitched as well, before he was shoved away. He stumbled for a moment before finally losing his balance and landing on his ass.
"Ow... Dammit old man... That hurt."
"I thought you liked pain." He replied, walking off again. Hidan scrambled to his feet and trotted after him.
"Yeah, well.. not enough to enjoy you beating on me all the time. You need to invest in some anger management therapy, seriously.."
Kakuzu grunted and Hidan took a breath, giving the world a melancholy smile. Yeah.. Make reality worth waking up to.. Damn. What had he been so sad about anyway? Pineapple head obviously wasn't dead anymore, in fact he could never die again.
Oh wait... He almost forgot. He should probably tell Kakuzu he had to go looking for him twice a year.. Damn that old bastard was going to be so jealous.
A sneer crept across the albinos face, and he broke into a jog. "Oh hey, I forgot to tell you something.."
"It better not be something stupid."
"Tch, you think everything is stupid."
"Everything that comes out of your mouth is stupid."
"Fuck you old man.."
"Insufferable idiot.."
Well... he could tell him later. He had a few more months to go anyway. He kicked absently at another pebble. This was going to be a long fucking walk. Damn it. Stupid bounty, stupid cabin... At least no one else was around, maybe that was why Kakuzu had actually been nice to him.
"What did you need to tell me?" The stoic man stated, and Hidan smiled, nudging him with his elbow.
"That I love you."
"Shut up Hidan."
"Don't deny your feelings for me Kuzu."
"I don't deny anything. I just want you to stop talking."
Hidan froze at this, everything but his feet at least. He stared at the 'older' man who refused to look back. That was the closest he would ever get to hearing it again. At least for now, he could work on it later, after all, they had all the time in the world.
He ripped his gaze away, planting it on the ground and forcing himself not to smile. Cautiously he reached out sideways and grabbed a calloused, tanned hand. Holding his breath, he waited for the pain to come, for his body to be slammed into a tree of for his arm to be ripped out of it's socket or any manner of such violence.
But it didn't come, only a small squeeze from the opposing hand.
It took every single ounce of the addmittedly lacking self control he had to keep himself from shouting for joy. Kuzu was back, his Kuzu. And with these baby steps, he could make his immortal life worth living. As long as Jashin didn't fuck anything else up.
No offense, Jashin. And thank you for the gift..
Even if it was kind of a drag...
-o-
A/N-
Ah. The long awaited Hidan POV. It's about frikin' time Wierdo! DAMN!
I need a tissue. Bleh, oh fuck that was really hard. And I still feel like I didn't do a very good job explaining everything and portraying it the way I imagine in my head. I've literally been writing for like... 10 hours straight now. My son is sick and I had to stay home with him so I just went ahead and belted out two fucking chapters in a row. So, you should love me.
I made myself all depressed with this shit. I need a Kuzu to make it better. T-T
Someone send me a plushie Kakuzu. For serious.
Okayyyy yeah, so I'm going to wait awhile on the bonus chapter now. And by awhile I probably mean like... a day. xD Cause, well you know how I am. I have no life. If you have any questions then ask them in your review and I'll Pm you and try to explain better. This of course means you can't comment with a guest count. *Glares at all the Guest reviews*
Anyway uh.. well... my brain is friend so I can't think of anything else.
Thanks for reading, forgive typos and slashes, and review!
Loves.