I guess the funny thing is that I got to the point where I loved you so much it hurt. You weren't just the reason for the smile on my face first thing in the morning, but you were the pain in my stomach when I rolled over alone at night. I saw your face every second of every day that I lived. You were in every breath and blink that I took. You were the patter of the rain and the rays of the sun. You were the still of the silence and the clatter of the noise. You were my love and my heartache, but I don't think you understood that. It shouldn't have hurt. I shouldn't have broken, but I do and I did, for years. Why did we say goodbye? Why did we let go?
Eventually, I got to the point where all there was was pain. All the happiness from my eyes had faded, and my body would shake and shiver from the cold. I don't remember where we went wrong exactly. You were my everything. Why did I leave? Why did I give up on us? Why did you give up on you? I let you down, didn't I? It's all my fault you are where you are. I never should have walked out the door. I never should have left your side. I never should have said yes to his proposal. It should have been you. It should have been us. We were in love. As pure as it comes, but now all I can think about is your face. Damp and cold. Why did you leave me for good? Now you'll never know how much I loved you.
I was just tired. It was the same old thing, day in and day out. I tried to help you, help us, but nothing worked. It got to the point where I needed to spend as much time away from you as with you. That's not love. I wanted so desperately to find us again, but I couldn't. You made things impossible.
I want you to know I didn't go out looking for him, he just came to me. I didn't start with the intention of it going anywhere, but it did. I had found the love we used to have, just with someone else. I know what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't know what else to do. I was stuck. During the day, I'd spend my time with you, hoping it would get better, but it never did. We hardly talked, we would be in opposite rooms or opposite ends of the same room. There wasn't any fun, there wasn't any love. At night, I'd go out with him, and it was everything I felt I'd been missing. I knew that somewhere in you, you knew, but I couldn't stop myself. After I was done, I'd come home to you sitting on the couch watching tv. Whatever takeaway you ordered would be sitting on the counter for me and you would kiss me on the cheek before heading to bed without me. I'd come in a few minutes later and wrap my arms around you, but you wouldn't even bother. It's like you wanted nothing to do with me even before I met him.
Why did you stop caring? We could have been something. I wanted to marry you. I wanted kids with you. I wanted you, all of you, forever. Was I not good enough? Who am I kidding, of course I wasn't.
You know I loved you with every ounce of my being. I would talk about you in my sleep quite frequently. You never left my mind. I thought I'd be happier, but I wasn't. When it came time to fully move on, get to the next chapter of my life. I couldn't. I couldn't say 'I do' if I wasn't saying it to you.
Please forgive me. Please. I made a huge mistake. The biggest mistake of my life. It didn't only cost me my life though, it cost you yours. I will never be able to live with myself knowing I was the cause of your pain. I hope you'll be happy to see me soon. I hope you'll let me back in your arms once I'm there. I'll see you soon, Dan. You won't have to wait too much longer now. It should be all over soon. I love you.