Chapter 12 - We apologize for the delay with this chapter but due to our busy schedules, the completion of this chapter took longer than what was first envisioned. Hopefully this chapter lives up to your expectations and gives you some closure to the previous chapter. Thank you for reading and don't forget to review because we both love hearing what you all think! xx
Our memories are the things that shape who we are, it's how we learn from our mistakes and remember those who have changed our lives for the better. Some of us choose to stay in the past in an attempt to re-live these memories because they are fearful of the present. Some choose to move on and make new memories that replace the old and painful ones. Whilst a small few are caught in the middle conflicted about a life that is and a life that was. There are a lot of things that a person remembers but tries to forget and these are the thoughts that mostly plague our minds. A sight of something that we wish we hadn't saw, listening something we shouldn't have heard and doing something we wish we hadn't done.
Derek sat in the dark trailer occupied by only him and his own confused thoughts as his mind replayed over the events that had just occurred. Only the sounds of the Seattle woodland could be heard as he sipped his glass of whiskey. As the smooth burn of the alcohol made its way down his throat more and more memories of Addison seemed to flood Derek's mind. It seemed as though every memory that he had of her was flashing right before him from the first time he saw her to the very last moment when he walked away and left her alone and in pain in that bus. 'Do you love your children Derek?' Her words seemed to echo in his mind as he tried to rationalize what had just happened. People used to always ask him whether he wanted kids with her all of the time, but that was years ago when it was a simpler time and their lives were completely different. Derek thought about Addison and the first time he met her and how they had always wanted a family, he thought about how they couldn't make things work in their marriage and he thought about how they had both moved on. He was still conflicted because he had everything that he could have ever asked for, yet his mind still drifts to what if things had been different with Addison. He didn't know how to process this shocking news as all of the consequences bombarded his mind. Would he have to take care of the child? Would he be known as the father? Would he have a right in parental decisions? Would he really want to be the father of this child?
Derek then thought about the life that could have been and whether or not he could do this co-parenting thing with Addison. He was still furious at her because she lied to him when he thought that things were going back to what they were like before when they were just friends. How could she hide something like this from him? Why couldn't she just tell him? The more that Derek questioned himself, the more that he felt his blood boil as the anger from within him grew. As he held the whiskey glass in his hand he pelted it at the wall in a fit of rage and watched it as it shattered into a million pieces.
He found himself now on the floor sitting, beside the liquor cabinet, breathing heavily as he tried to calm himself. His cell phone started to ring and Derek answers.
"Meredith what's wrong?" Derek said calmly into the phone.
"Derek where are you?" Meredith asked frantically into the phone. He could hear Zola and Bailey screaming in the background for attention as he tried to listen in on his wife's voice. "Derek please come home, I'm so exhausted! It's been a hard day, Bailey didn't stop to cry even for a minutes and Zola tried to paint all the walls of the house…."
"I'll be soon." He said as he hung up the phone. Derek realized that he could no longer hide from reality and grabbed the whiskey bottle beside him and placed it into the liquor cabinet.
As he placed the bottle into the spacious compartment beside him he noticed a small leather bounded book behind all of the bottles. He reached in and pulled it out as his curiosity got the better of him. When he pulled it out from the cupboard he noticed that it wasn't a book but a diary in Addison's handwriting. Derek guessed that she must have kept it there when they were married, which after thinking about it for a minute made him quite sad. He opened the diary to a random page and a photo fell out, it was of Addison and him in college laughing as he carried her in his arms after she fell over walking to class. A small smile crept onto his face when he remembered about their college days together, but it instantly faded when he began to read the diary entry.
June 21 2006
He's not home again and I feel like the emptiness of this trailer is beginning to consume me. I've tried talking to him and seeing councilors but nothing seems to be helping this sinking marriage. I love him so much and I never meant to hurt him, I know that he doesn't believe me but I'm going to be patient and I'm going to wait for him. Everyone says that I'm better off leaving him but I know in my heart of hearts that what we have can get through this, I have to hope because that's all that I have left in this marriage after being stripped bare and torn apart by his cruel words. At first I may have defended myself even ignored it altogether but now every little submissive comment that he makes about me seems to chip away at my fragile being and I'm scared that one day he might realize how pathetic I am and leave me for that intern. Tonight I'm going to drink to the hope that maybe one day he'll love me again and never walk away from me.
Derek was heartbroken by this confession and closed the diary, shoving it as far back into the compartment as possible. He needed to go home, this was all too much.
It finally hit him that all of time when he was absent during their marriage or when he was off with Meredith trying to forget about her, Addison was there waiting by the door for him to come home. And which each snide remark that he made at her, bit by bit destroyed her from within causing him to realize that walking away had become Addison's greatest fear.
Then it hit him straight in the face that tonight was no different, that he made her greatest fear a reality once again, except this time when Derek walked away from Addison, he left her and their unborn child there to die. Derek began to feel sick in his stomach and needed to get out of there. The guilt was building up and he needed to forget about her and what had happened just a few hours before.
Nancy and Owen both sat in silence as the ambulance made it's way to the hospital. Nancy held the newborn wrapped in a gray hospital blanket, as she cuddled it and held him tightly in her arms. Everything about the tiny human in her arms screamed out Derek as the perfect little bundle mirrored his father's looks, but no one could deny that he had inherited his mother's beaming blue eyes. Nancy gently whispered reassuring words into his ears and kissing his forehead letting him know that no matter what the circumstances were that he was loved.
Owen observed the two of them and broke the silence. "He's so little."
"Yeah, but he seems quite healthy." Nancy replied not breaking eye contact with the baby.
"Uh…Nancy… I don't know if I should be telling you this but I can't get my head around it."
"What is it Owen?" Nancy responded in a concerned tone.
"…At the scene Derek was acting really strangely."
"Derek was there? Where is he now?"
"That's the think Nancy, I don't know. He was with us and as soon as we arrived all of us were separated until I saw him an hour later. It was weird, he looked different and confused and told me that he couldn't stay there anymore. I tried to stop him because there were at least dozens of people in distress, but before I could say anything he had vanished." Owen said confused and concerned.
Nancy was trying to process what Owen was telling her but there was something that she could get her mind around. Why was it that Addison had told her that she told him and he left? At that moment everything clicked as the pieces fell into place, why Addison was so distraught, why Derek was acting weirdly, she gasped in horror when the truth revealed itself before her, Derek had found Addison and left her there to die.
She leant down close to the baby, just out of Owen's earshot and gently whispered into his ear, "Your mommy will be fine and she will never leave you like him, I promise."
Derek slowly made his way to the front door of his and Meredith's home. As he entered, what was meant to be a heartwarming and picturesque scene in Derek's head, was in reality a screaming mess. Instead of the warm greeting by Meredith with a sleeping infant in her arms was a screaming Bailey and an annoyed Meredith who shoved the infant into his arms.
"What took you so long? Today's been horrible and I've been waiting all night. I've tried to calm him down but nothing's working Derek and I can't catch a break!"
" And Zola?" Derek replied.
"She's in the lounge room watching cartoons, Derek you're going to take Bailey whilst I go and have a shower because I have vomit all over me."
Derek walked into the lounge room and sat on the couch next to Zola as he calmed Bailey. Even though Bailey was almost asleep, Derek couldn't shake this nauseating feeling within him and the horrid thoughts resurfaced again about his actions this evening. Every time that he now gazed at Bailey, he pictured Addison's baby and wondered if he was ok, if she was ok? Eventually as the thoughts engulfed his mind, Derek couldn't take it anymore and headed upstairs to Meredith.
"Derek, you're meant to be watching Zola downstairs, I need a break!" Meredith said as she got out of the shower and dried her hair.
"I just put Bailey to bed." He replied. "Look Meredith I have to go, the hospital paged me, it's an emergency."
"No Derek, you just got home. I can't do this!" Meredith screamed, but Derek ignored her pleas and left.
Back to the ambulance
"Addison, Addison, can you hear me? Please honey, answer me!" Jake asked his wife as he held her hand tightly whilst Callie placed her on another unit of plasma expanders.
"Her blood pressure's dropping, she's going into hypovolemic shock! Driver, what's our ETA to the hospital?" Callie yelled from the back of the ambulance.
"3 minutes!" The driver responded.
"Come on honey, please be strong for me now!" Jake whispered into Addison's ear.
"Tell Grey Sloan Memorial that we're going to need an OR and at least 3 units of Zero Rh + blood!" Callie ordered.
Addison opened her eyes and looked at her husband tiredly. "…I'm tired Jake." She said through fluttering eyelids.
"NO Addie, I need you to just hold on for a minute longer ok? We're almost there." Jake said teary eyed.
"Callie, please tell me that we're almost there." Jake pleaded.
Addison began to tear up "I…I… barely… saw him…I…I… wanted to take…him in my…arms" Jake then gently kissed her on the forehead again "You have all your life to take him in your arms, sweetheart, I promise."
"Jake…Tell him…. that his mommy never stopped loving him…and…he was…a wanted child…"
"Three minutes Addie, that's all you have to wait sweetie." Callie said to the frail woman.
"ADDISON, you're going to be ok." Jake said through sobs. "We're going to be a happy family together, all of us!"
"Ok Jake, we're here. We need to move her now!" Callie said in a stern voice.
"We're here Addie, just hold on." Jake said as he squeezed her hand.
In that instant everything was a blur as the doors of the ambulance burst open and the paramedics removed the gurney from the vehicle. The sound of banging continued as the doctors sprinted towards the entrance of the emergency room. A series of should as orders soon followed but Jake didn't listen to any of them as his focus remained solely on his wife.
"What's the situation Callie?" Richard said to the orthopaedic surgeon.
"She has a metallic bar plunged into her left thigh, I don't know the extent of the damage and I need an x-ray stat before I operate…" Callie's voice sounded exhausted as the list of Addison's injuries accumulated, she just needed a minute but she had to compose herself and stay strong for her friend. "She lost coded in the ambulance and has been in and out of consciousness for the past 15 minutes, and her blood pressure's dropped. Are the OR and units of blood I requested ready for us?"
Richard nodded at the woman "The OR is ready, but first we need to stabilize her" and continued addressing his concerns. "The baby?"
"He seemed fine, she gave birth around about 30 minutes ago, the placental delivery was spontaneous and apparently complete, but she's losing a lot of blood and we really need to move her to the OR." Callie continued.
"Callie, where's the baby?"
"He's coming with Nancy and Owen in another rig! They should be here any minute now." Callie responded.
The ER doors burst open again for the second time in a number of minutes as Nancy and Owen entered with the tiny infant.
"We're here, oh my gosh what happened?!" Nancy called out as she walked across the ER with the infant bundled up in her arms. "She seemed fine when we left!"
"She coded in the ambulance and lost consciousness. We need to take her up to the OR now!" Callie shouted as the gurney rushed past the shocked woman. "Richard, I need you in the OR… Someone page Yang and Nelson!"
"Jake, I think you should wait outside!"
"Miranda, I like you and I think you're a very talented surgeon but she is my wife and if you don't let me in there you are going to regret your decision very badly."
"It's not hospital policy and you and I know that. Addison is very special to both of us but you need you stand aside, you're too emotional right now Jake!" Miranda replied.
"Miranda, let him through. She's awake and asking for him. I can't put her under yet." Callie called from the OR.
Nancy sighed in disappointment as the gurney rushed past her. She couldn't begin to comprehend how Addison's condition had deteriorated so substantially since they left the scene and the thought that her brother was solely responsible for this made her sick to her stomach. 'What if she doesn't make it?', no she couldn't let thoughts like that enter her mind especially since the most important thing in Addison's world was right before her asleep in her arms.
"Dr Shepherd! Dr Shepherd!" Dr. Wilson called over to her. Nancy looked up but didn't acknowledge to young intern. Jo walked over to her and relayed the information to her.
"Dr Shepherd, the nurse from neonatology is down here to take the baby upstairs for tests…" Dr. Wilson continued, but Nancy was reluctant to give the baby up. From the moment he was born, she had been with him and she promised herself that no matter what she wouldn't leave this baby home until the moment when she knew that he was safe in his mother's arms.
"I don't need a nurse Dr. Wilson, I'm placing myself as Chris' personal physician and I'll be taking him upstairs."
"Oh… So the baby's name is Christopher?" Dr. Wilson asked.
"Do you have a problem with that?"
"No, of course, no Dr. Shepherd I think it's a wonderful name!" Dr. Wilson said nervously to cover her tracks and not aggravate the stressed doctor more than she had to. "I just think that he needs to have a bath and a check up, that's all. But I'm sure you can do that on your own, so I'm just going to walk away now and pretend that none of this has happened."
"That sounds like a good idea." Nancy said as the scared intern backed away.
She carried the baby upstairs to the nursery and watched closely as the neonatologist checked on him, "He's surprisingly healthy, especially given the circumstances that the mother gave birth in," the neonatologist said as she placed the stethoscope on the baby's chest and was greeted with a loud scream. "Well his lungs and heart seem to be ok… Now let's weigh you little man!" She said as she placed the alive and kicking newborn onto the scales and read the display. "5.5 pounds… 19 inches length"
"Isn't that too low?" Nancy asked worriedly.
"It's actually quite good for an almost to term baby… Now baby boy you need a nice warm bath and a little rest, you've had quite the day today. Nancy I'll just call over a nurse to bathe him for you."
"If it's alright, I'd actually prefer to bath him myself. I promised Jake and Addison that I'd take care of him…"
"That's fine, I'll come back in an hour to check on him." The neonatologist replied as she exited to room.
As she began to wash her nephew, her eyes wandered all over the newborn and observed the uncanny resemblance between the child and her brother, his lineaments were so delicate and he had such soft and straight brown hair, "I can't believe how much you and Derek look alike…". As Nancy took him out from the warm water of the baby bath tube, Christopher protested with a loud wail, she was surprised by all that strength in that apparent fragile little body. She gently wiped out his body, she combed his soft hair and dressed him with the pale blue onesie she bought in New York, "It's a little too big for you at the moment, but I'm sure in a month it will suit you perfectly!" she said as she gently rocked him
Addison was lying in the OR waiting patiently for her operation to start. Since she had arrived her condition had improved and her blood pressure and pulse were finally stable. Jake sat beside her squeezing her hand and letter her know that he was there for her when a nurse arrived and placed a small white wristband on her right hand with her baby's ID on it. She sighed and let a small tear escape from her eye watching the simple gesture.
"It's the only thing I have of him…" Addison said as she exhaled deeply.
"Just a couple of hours, Addison, and then you can be with him for as long as you want." Jake said as he kissed her hand.
"…It's all my fault Jake, I put his life in danger because I was being selfish. I..I..I just wanted to help those people!"
"You didn't do anything wrong honey, it was just bad luck. Please stop blaming yourself."
Callie arrived in the OR, as she placed her smock and gloves on. "How are her vitals Ben?"
"Stable, BP 120/70 mmHg, FR 80 bpm!" The anaesthesiologist replied.
"Good!" Callie commented as she moved closer to Addison and bent down to her. "You didn't do anything wrong Addie. I'm here now and I going to make sure that you're good as new ok?"
Addison nodded at the surgeon and moved her eye contact back to her husband. "Your car is destroyed…. I'm sorry."
Jake smiled at the comment as she was focused on the car given the irony of the situation. All he cared about was that she was safe and in his arms. "I don't care about the car, I care about you and Christopher. Anyway now you've given me an excuse to buy and newer, fancier one!"
"All of Chicco's things are at home." Addison said worriedly.
"I promise you Addie that I'll get them in good time. You just need to concentrate on you now."
"Jake…"
"Yes, honey?"
"I love you so much and you're going to be the perfect father and I need you to let Christopher know everyday that his Mommy loves him more than the world itself."
"Addie, please don't be like that."
"Jake please promise me.."
"Ok, I promise Addie, I love you." He said as he profusely kissed her on the lips.
"I love yo….." Addison said as the propofol took control.
Derek Shepherd composed himself and walked through the doors of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital and braced himself for what was going to happen. He walked across the lobby, through the wards and down into the ER. As he looked around in the hopes of spotting his ex-wife he couldn't help but overhear two nurses gossiping at the nurses station.
"Is she ok?" The blonde nurse said. "I heard that they just bought her in half an hour ago."
"Yeah can you believe it apparently she was trapped in the bus for at least a few hours before anyone found her with that leg impalement. Then to top it off her water broke and she gave birth at the scene!" The brunette nurse replied.
"What's the damage to the leg?" The blonde nurse asked again.
"From what I saw, it didn't look pleasant. I'd be more worried about her health, you know that she coded on the way here and she's in and out of consciousness, she could barely speak!" The brunette continued. "What I want to know is how could they go so long without realizing that she was there."
"She must have been so scared and in so much pain from the labor."
"How's the baby? Did they take it up to neonatal?" The brunette nurse asked.
"It's a beautiful baby boy, a little small but still gorgeous. I think I heard someone call him Christopher." The blonde added. "That kid's already been through so much and it's not even a day old. I just hope Dr. Montgomery is ok."
Derek couldn't take it anymore the guilt and sickness was rising as he realized the true extent of his actions. So many things have turned for the worse and it was all his fault. He couldn't bare to face Addison let alone or how Jake was going to react to the news. But yet the desire to see his son was burning from within him and he had to see it for himself. All of the anger that he had ever placed towards Addison instantly dissolved as an overwhelming felling of remorse consumed him. What could he have possibly been thinking to cause him to just walk away and leave Addison there to suffer? After everything that the two of them had shared together, Addison still held a special place in Derek's heart, it wasn't what it once was before but still she would always own a piece of him and that simply made the guilt rise. To simple remember walking away from her made him sick to his stomach as he thought about all of the things that he could have prevented had he simply stayed. If anything were to happen to that child, Derek would never be able to live with himself let alone face Addison ever again.
It took all of the strength left in his body for Derek Shepherd to walk towards the OR and see Addison. He tried to compose himself but the adrenaline was surging through his veins as his heart raced in anticipation.
"Shepherd!" an austere voice called out to him causing him to stop dead in his tracks. "You finally decided to show up!"
"Owen…I…I" Derek tried to justify his actions but was too stunned to comment.
"What the hell were you thinking? You can't just leave a scene like that Derek you have an obligation!" Owen said.
"I…I need to know about Addison. I need to know that she and the baby are ok, please Owen." Derek pleased to the surgeon.
"No, you don't get that information, not when you decided to up and leave. Maybe if you had stayed you could have found her in the number of hours she was trapped alone in that bus, or even help us get her out."
"Owen…" Derek pleaded once again.
"Not here, in my office!"
Derek obliged to Owen's orders as the two of them walked in an unusual silence towards his office upstairs. Owen opened the door and handed Derek a piece of paper from his desk.
"What the hell is this?" Derek questioned as he read the piece of paper.
"It's an admonition, Shepherd, for negligence and failure of duty of care, this is the last straw!" Owen informed the confused man.
"Ok, but I have to go back and see Addison." Derek demanded once again.
"No Shepherd, we already have enough doctors in there, go and find something else maybe you can go down to the ER and help clear out the backlog of patients." Owen ordered.
Derek knew that he wasn't going to get anywhere near Addison, especially after Owen's talk and he knew that even if Owen wasn't there that he would have to deal with half of Grey Sloan Memorial barricading Addison from him. Everything was getting to be too much for him and he just needed some piece of mind, so he took a leap of faith and prayed that no one would be at the NICU so that he could see the baby.
As he arrived to the Maternal/infant department, Derek summed up all the courage that he could to force himself to make it to the neonatal ward. After the confrontation with Owen in front of Addison's OR, Derek was terrified to be seen around the halls of Grey Sloan Memorial just incase someone else would go off at him. He needed to see it for himself, he needed to know that his child was ok after everything that had happened. With each step, Derek's anxiety grew but so too did his curiosity as to what his son would look like, would he be the spitting image of his mother or had he inherited some of Derek's features, only time would tell before Derek knew for himself. Finally Derek found himself standing in front of the nursery searching for the child that he had left behind in amongst the sea of newborns. And right before him was his son, Christopher William Shepherd, the exact mirror image of his father he thought. Derek was just about to enter the nursery to hold his son when a voice from behind startled him.
"Get out!"
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