Chapter 14 - Hey everyone! Sorry about the huge delay with this chapter, we've both been so busy and occupied lately and we wanted to make sure that the best story would come out of this chapter for you all. We hope that this will satisfy your cravings over our what can only be seen as a mid hiatus and that you enjoy it. More chapters are coming soon as we're back on the writing track! Please don't forget to read and review we have a lot of good stuff ahead and would love to hear what you all think so that we can ensure that the best story is written. Lots of love and gratitude, now go and read! The authors xx
Derek took one last glance at Addison and the baby trying to make this image last forever, hoping that he could just live in this moment for a little bit longer. Unfortunately the reality of his situation was far from the picturesque view in front of him, as Derek sighed and turned away. He knew that after all of this time, he no longer had any right to be apart of Addison's life after the way he treated her, but with each step that he took the guilt within him rose as though he was walking away from her again.
Derek had to realize that he had his other family to worry about, one who needed him and deeply loved him. Meredith, Zola and Bailey were waiting for him to come home and to take care of them and Derek knew that he would always have an obligation to them. There was a growing sense of indifference and dread towards Meredith the more that Derek though about it, her presence was not what it once was and everything that he once saw in her, his idea of life with her, was slowly fading away. Yet she was his wife and they made vows and Derek had promised her his word.
With each step that Derek took down the hallway, the glances seemed to chip away at his tough exterior one by one. He averted his gaze to the floor avoiding eye contact at all costs so that they wouldn't notice his tear stained face and puffy eyes.
Derek exited through the foyer and got into his car preparing himself for what was waiting for him at home, but as he sat in the car Derek couldn't bring himself to start the engine. He sat there for a moment in complete silence trying to plan his next move, but something was no right, he felt sick to his stomach leaving Addison there at the hospital, he needed to do something. Before he could blink Derek found himself walking back through the hospital up on Addison's floor. He was going to confront her, to apologize to her, but the instant sight of Jake stopped Derek dead in his tracks. The image of Jake standing there with his arm around Addison sealed Derek's fate as he knew that it just wasn't his place. They weren't Addison and Derek anymore.
Jake was someone completely different, he was kind and loyal and everything that Derek had been at the start of their marriage. The unconditional love that Jake had for Addison radiated from his being as he cared for her and stood by her in this time of need. He was everything that Derek wasn't and that in itself seemed to make Addison's world complete.
Derek was slowing backing away when he accidentally ran into a nurse.
"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry Dr. Shepherd I wasn't looking where I was going," the nurse said as she picked her files up from the ground.
Derek bent down and helped the distressed woman gather her things. "That's alright uh Paula right?" Derek questioned the woman.
"Yes sir?" She replied with a confused expression. "I hope you don't mind me asking what are you doing up here on three?"
"I was just checking on Dr. Montgomery and her baby, you know making sure that mother and child were ok. I just found out what happened last night and everything that they've been through." Derek said dreamily to the nurse.
"Oh ok course, well she's relatively stable and the baby's slowly improving. So hopefully it's only good news from here." Paula said.
"That's very good then. You know I hear that you're one of the best nurses on this floor and I was wondering if you could do me a favor?" Derek said to the shy nurse.
"Oh, anything Dr. Shepherd," Paula said as she began to blush.
"Well, it isn't easy…Dr. Montgomery is a very dear friend of mine and I know how involved you are in her case and you provide nothing but the best patient care. So I was wondering if maybe you could keep my updated on them, you know just the occasional message here and there and a page if there's anything wrong. You'd be compensated for your services of course." Derek said as he handed the nurse $200. "She's just a very private person and I would hate for there to be something that we didn't catch so, hopefully we can keep this between the two of us?"
"Oh my Dr. Shepherd of course!" Paula said giddily. "If there's anything at all you'll be the first to know!"
"I knew I could count on you Paula, it's those gorgeous eyes you have, so very trusting and loyal." Derek added before flashing her his McDreamy smile.
At the same time, Jake walked back into the NICU and sat down beside his wife as she stared at the infant.
"Are you alright Addie?" Jake asked in a concerned manner.
Addison shivered as she snapped out of her reverie and turned to her husband. "It's nothing," she said as she smiled at him. "I just felt like someone was watching me that's all."
Jake moved in closer to his wife and planted a kiss on her forehead as he held her close. "Addison, I love you so much and in the past day you've been through hell and back and I thought that I lost you there for a moment. You're just so beautiful and so strong and I don't know how I could live without you."
Addison looked deep into Jake's eyes then to the ground. "I'm sorry I scared you like that, I'm sorry that I put Chicco here and I'm sorry that I can't do anything right." Addison said tearfully and she couldn't bare to feel the disappointment from Jake.
"What are you on about Addie? I don't care about any of these, right here and right now is all that I ever wanted. To hold my wife in my arms and to be a family again." Jake said as he held her face in his hands. "Addison what's going on?"
"Please, Addie" he said sighing "Tell me how can I help you"
She moved her eyes from the tiny infant in the incubator to look in her husband's tired eyes "...it isn't you, you're good, you're perfect and so lovely, sweetheart...It's just that I need sometimes alone to process all the things that happened..."
"Addison, please, what happened last night?"
"Please, Jake" That's all that Addison can say as she stared at her husband. The look in her eyes was enough to shatter the surgeon's heart. Everything within him pressed him to force her to confess, he couldn't bare the thought of putting her through anymore grief and it was with that, that Jake turned and left the NICU with nothing more than a goodbye.
"I love you" she whispered as she watched him slowly exit the room.
It was early in the evening when Nancy was filling out paperwork on the neonatal floor when a familiar face struck her. The dark haired woman, with piercing blue eyes stood out from the bleak hospital walls as she cautiously walked through the corridor. She looked lost and was hesitant to ask for help until she reached the nurses station.
"Excuse me, can you please tell me where I can find a patient? Uh Addison Montgomery?" The woman asked.
Nancy recognized the familiar voice and glanced up, caught in a state of shock as noticed the woman before her.
"Amelia? Oh my god, you… you've grown up so much!" Nancy said in a state of surprise.
"Nancy? What….what are you doing here? Aren't you meant to be working in New York? I don't understand?" Amelia said in utter confusion.
"I…I moved here a couple of months ago, when Addison did. Jake and her offered me a job." Nancy said.
"Wow, uh how do the kids and their father feel about that?" Amelia questioned. "It's one thing to move to the other side of the country, but I mean you have a family."
"Well the kids have gone their own ways now and…I'm in the middle of a divorce. So…I guess it's just me" Nancy replied apprehensively.
"Oh, I'm uhhh really sorry about that. I mean I didn't know, It's been so long." Amelia said as she apologized.
"It's ok, you've been out of it lately. I didn't expect you to know anyway. So you're here to see Addison?" Nancy said in a quick attempt to change the subject.
"Yeah, I figured it's almost her due date and I remember someone at the office saying that she'd gone labor. I mean I can't miss the birth of this kid, do you know how good looking he's going to be?" Amelia commented.
"You really don't know do you?" Nancy sighed.
"Know what Nancy?" Amelia inquired. "What's wrong Nancy?"
Amelia started to become increasingly angry when Nancy began to withhold information.
"There was an accident, Addison was at the side of a crash and she was trapped in a bus. God, we didn't even find her for hours and when we did, we noticed that she went into premature labor and the next thing we knew she had to give birth at the scene. We had to cut her out of the bus because a metal bar literally pinned her to the grown as it completely penetrated her thigh." Nancy explained.
Amelia's face dropped as Nancy continued. Addison was her sister and she couldn't believe the words that she was hearing. Everything was too much for the surgeon to bare and she just wanted to see for herself. She needed to know that Addie was ok.
"I want to see her." Amelia said through glassy eyes.
Nancy couldn't help but take pity on her little sister as she saw how fragile she looked after hearing the news. It's true that her and Amelia hadn't really been as close as they once were when they were little because of the age difference and their clashing personalities but right there Nancy knew what she had to do and gently draped her arm over her sister's shoulders as they walked together to Addison's room.
When they got there Amelia gasped at how frail Addison looked, her leg bandaged and her skin pale. This wasn't the bright and shiny surgeon she knew in LA, now she was just a helpless victim caught up in a series of unfortunate events and that completely broke her heart. She knew that Addison was sleeping but she couldn't resist running up to her big sister and gently hugging her.
"Addie, I'm so sorry I wasn't here. I hope you're ok and I'm here for you now ok? Just like you were there for me when I needed it." Amelia whispered into her ears as the tears began to cascade down her face.
Addison's eyes gently flickered open as she felt the warmth of another human being on her. At first she was alarmed but when she realized who it was, all of her fear and apprehension completely dissolved.
"Amy, you're here." Addison said tiredly but genuinely happy to have her friend there.
"I'm here Addie!" Amelia exclaimed through tears. "You're ok!"
The two of them talked for hours together catching up on all of the gossip from LA and there in Seattle. Amelia was in no rush to see the baby, because she wanted to make sure that her best friend was ok first.
There was a sincerity in Amelia that Addison had always found refreshing. She was different to the rest of the Shepherd clan and was always the one that Addison could connect best to. Over time the two of them much like Amelia's sisters had drifted apart with work and study commitments but there was always something about Amelia that kept Addison close. To her Amelia was the little sister that she never had and caring for this wide eyed and curious child was something that gave Addison great joy when she had first started dating Derek. As time progress the two of them were inseparable and Amelia finally found someone who she could open up to without fear of judgement.
Amelia turned to Addison and knew that she was withholding something, what exactly she didn't know but deep within Amelia's being she could feel Addison's repressed pain and that concerned her.
"Addie, you know that we've been through a lot together." Amelia mentioned.
"Yeah, we have, haven't we?" Addison responded.
"I can sense that everything isn't alright, is it?" Amelia asked.
"No, why would you think something like that?" Addison replied.
"Addison you've seem me in my darkest moment and I know that you're hiding something from everyone else. Something else happened out there didn't it?"
"No, nothing happened." Addison quickly replied.
"Addison, please, I know you and I know that you wouldn't have gone down without a fight out there in the field unless there was something stopping you…" Amelia said.
Addison began to tear up but forced herself to release this repressed secret.
"I uh, I was just about to leave the bus. We had just gotten the patient out and I was cleaning up where I worked on her and he said he would be back to help me. The next thing I knew the rig had shifted and I had a metal bar through my leg. He was really nice to me and…and… he was different, he cared, he was like he used to be and it took the pain away for a while. Then being stupid me, I said something and that's when everything changed, he reverted back into his cold self and did the only thing he could, he just walked away. I….I tried to scream, to see if someone could hear me but after a while everything just became all too much and I just gave up. I wasn't scared that I was going to die Amy, I was scared that I was going to bring this child into the world all alone and no one deserves to be alone."
"Oh my god Addie, I can't believe that he actually did this to you…. I thought that maybe you were friends again, that you were civil with each other… Why Addie you both have so much history together?"
"He hates me so much Amy, I deserve it because of what I did to him. It's just the past repeating itself. I guess your mother was right, I was never going to be good enough for him, I was always going to hurt him. I…I shouldn't have survived."
"Addie don't be like that please" Amelia pleaded. "Then Jake and Nancy came, right?"
"Yes, they saved me" Addison said sombrely, void of all emotion.
"Addie, you are not alone and you have a great husband, a beautiful little baby and friends and family who will stand by you no matter what. I know that the past few days must have felt like you've been to hell and back but you're safe now and everything is going to get better from here. Just hang in there and hold on, in a couple of weeks you'll be ready to go home and be with the baby and Jake and you'll start the next chapter of your life." Amelia said as she rested her head against her sister's shoulder.
"There are some wounds that don't heal so easily, Amy. I thought you would know this better than anyone…" Addison remarked coldly.
Amelia took this as a sign to leave and hugged Addison once more. As the young neurosurgeon came out of the room, she looked at Nancy confused and concerned.
"How did you find Addison?" Nancy asked keeping her distance from the door.
"She's a wreck, Nance, she's so different from the Addie we know… But I can't blame it she went through so much in such a short period… He destroyed even the happiest moment of her life, she should be happy and euphoric now, instead, she lies absently in a hospital bed. I know how bad she's wanted this and she would never willingly act like this."
"Amelia, under the circumstances, what she's experiencing is perfectly normal. "If you or I were in her shoes, we wouldn't be much different."
"Yeah but I know her and it's more than that. Addison's a fighter she doesn't give up, this isn't normal, she's got to be hiding something. I want to talk to Jake, do you know where he is?" Amelia said critically.
"Oh, he went home to take a shower and rest a little, he's just really tired at the moment. Ever since she was first admitted, he hasn't left her side, he's been nothing but supportive." Nancy explained. "So, have you seen Derek yet?"
"No, not recently, but I was planning on visiting him later. I haven't seen the baby yet… Nance, I don't know if right know I want to see him, not after what he did" Amelia replied.
The older Shepherd looked down at the ground and sighed. "It's just that Derek's been different lately. Ever since Addison was admitted to the hospital, he's just been acting strange, always lurking in the hallways and being distant." Nancy confessed.
"I don't get it? He almost left her died alone, to not talking about spending the last three years of their marriage ignoring her and treating her like crap and what now he suddenly cares? Don't you think that it's a little too late to start caring now?" Amelia ranted.
"You know Derek, he's never really been straightforward." Nancy responded.
"Nancy, none of us have ever been straightforward. We're Shepherds, it's who we are!" Amelia bickered. "Right now, I'm hating him with all my strength, but Derek is our brother, if he acted like that there should be more, so I'm going to talk to him."
"Amelia, don't!" Nancy called. However it was too late as Amelia had already disappeared around the corner.
Amelia found Derek right where she expected to see him, sitting alone in front of the deck of his trailer with the only company of a bottle of beer.
"How did I know that I would find you here, instead of at home with your family?"
"Amelia, aren't you supposed to be in Los Angeles?" Derek remarked.
"You see that's the thing Derek, I was in LA until I found out that Addison had gone into labor. So then I travelled here expecting to see a happy new mom overcome with the joy of her child. Yet, the reality was much more different, more deceptive than the textbook image I had in my head. What did you do to her Derek?" Amelia asked.
"Why do you assume it's my fault?" Derek said as he took another sip of his beer.
"When isn't it your fault Derek? Time after time you always somehow seem to find a way to hurt her, and this time you're not only harming her you're hurting that innocent child." Amelia stepped onto the deck and sat down next to her brother. "She's not who she used to be Derek, you and I both know that this is her dream and something's still holding her back. You know something Derek and you're going to tell me."
"I don't know anything ok. So she had a kid and now what she's not overcome with joy? Maybe she has marital problems, maybe there's something wrong with the kid or maybe she has postnatal depression or even PTSD from her accident. You can't just jump on a plane and make accusations like that without having solid evidence!" Derek screamed.
Amelia looked at her brother in shock and horror. "Derek what's wrong with you? I mean you're different, people had been talking but I never really took that to heart. Something happened and it's changed you. Why are you like this Derek, why?"
Derek looked down to the ground and started to get up, but Amelia wasn't going to take a no for an answer. For a long time she had stood in the background slowly being attacked by those around her for being different and not following in the steps of her siblings. Addison had been the only one to ever take her side, to take the time out to listen to her and to defend her against the snide remarks. Right now Amelia was taking and stand and she was going to fight for her sister the way Addie had done for her all those years ago.
"Derek, you do not get to walk away right now! I am not Addison and I am not going to take your crap! What happened that night Derek?" Amelia shouted angrily at her brother.
"Don't you think I know that Amelia! Don't you think that I didn't see how much damaged I caused her. I'm not a blind fool Amelia. I know that I almost killed her from walking away that night!" Derek screamed back.
"What do you mean you almost killed her from walking away that night?" Amelia questioned in a calmer tone as the tears continued to flow. "You were there, you saw her and you said nothing!"
Derek couldn't find it within himself to make eye contact with his sister as the truth seemed to have been set free. He turned his back on her and exhaled deeply as his tough facade began to slowly crumble.
"Derek, she told me that she was left alone and that everything had changed. So you saw her and you just walked away, right? Did you not notice the steel bar through her leg or her going into labor?" Amelia asked.
"I remember noticing Jake's car and searching for her, I was concerned and I needed to know that she was ok. She...she was there helping a patient, she was fine. I remember she yelled out at me to get the patient back to an ambulance before getting out herself, next thing I know the rig shifts and she's trapped. I was so scared for her and the baby, I tried to comfort her and it was working. I mean I held her in my arms and we were talking about baby names and then she told me the secret she had been keeping from me."
"What secret?" Amelia said as she pressured Derek to go on.
"She named the baby Christopher, you know...Christopher... like Dad..." Derek said with a broken voice.
"Why would she name the baby after….oh my god! But how?"
"A long time ago we were going to try but we needed that security, just in case things didn't happen naturally. Long story short Addison took it upon herself to use my sperm and months later I find out I have a son." Derek sighed.
"Derek, you left your son and Addie there to die, do you know what could have happened god forbid." Amelia said condescendingly.
"I know, don't you think it haunts me everyday just thinking about it. Every time that I look at her, I'm going to remember that night and what I did. She won't even let me see the baby and I can't do that to my son, I can't abandon him. I'm not walking away this time." Derek continued.
"But that's the thing, you keep saying that but Derek you did walk away. You walked away at the worst possible time and you have to face the consequences." Amelia explained. "I didn't come here to scream at you or make you feel worse about yourself. I came here because I was worried about my family. No matter what you and Addie will always be family to me and now you have a connection to that child that will bind you two together forever."
"I know Amelia." Derek said apologetically. "I wish I could have taken everything back. I just want to make everything better."
Amelia walked up to her brother and hugged him. She was still angry at him but she knew that everyone made mistakes and ever Derek needed to be forgiven. It would take a while but she had to be there for her big brother because as soon as Jake knew, Derek would be in a world of pain.
"Baby steps Derek, baby steps." Amelia said as she rested her head on his shoulder. "We'll start to make amends tomorrow."
A couple of days later
Derek tightly grasped the bouquet of pale blue and white flowers in his hand as he anxiously walked towards the NICU. With every step that he took, his heart raced as the anticipation within him grew with the hope that maybe today was the day when he could finally meet his son. For Derek Shepherd there were many mistakes that he had made over the years but pushing away the one person that meant the most to him would probably have to had been the worst. He raised his hand and gently pushed open the doors as the bustling hospital sounds instantly disappeared as the calming sound of quiet incubators and stable monitors filled the air. Derek looked around surveying the room to make sure that no one was there to stop him from being with his son.
He could feel it in his bones as he walked closer to the incubator as lying right before him was his own child. Derek placed the bouquet of flowers down beside it on the chair and grabbed the small stuffed toy dog dressed as a sailor from under his arm and placed it on top of the incubator. Everything for him was moving so fast, yet so slow as Derek was finally meeting his own son. He didn't even realize that he was opening the incubator because it felt like second nature after watching Addison do it for years. His hand slowly traced around his son's delicate features much like Addison did the first time she had seen him.
Derek couldn't believe the sight before his eyes as everything about his son was perfect. Sure he was a little premature but there was nothing that was flawed in Derek's eyes over the perfect little bundle in front of him. He was asleep but the gentle slumber of the infant calmed all of Derek's fears and insecurities, as he knew that no matter what, this child was going to be loved.
"I know that you probably don't know who I am, that you've met your mommy and your daddy, but I'm here too. I'm your other daddy, the one who made a mistake and lost the most precious thing in the world because of his own selfishness. You have a lot of people in your life right now who are constantly looking out for you and truth is that they're in for the long haul and they won't be leaving anytime soon. I don't know if you'll ever really meet me properly, maybe when you're mommy's ready or maybe when you decide to do that on your own, I guess time will tell but what I do know is that if you ever feel like there's no one listening I'll be there for you. I might be in the background and you might not always see me there, but I'm here. I'm so sorry for leaving you and hurting you and your mommy the way I did, but I'm going to make it up to you, I promise." Derek said to the child as the infant grabbed onto his finger and tightly squeezed it.
Derek's heart began to melt at the simple gesture. He thought to himself for a moment as he tried to contemplate just how someone so young and so small, change the way that Derek saw the world after only being around him for a few minutes. It was as though Chris was a sign of change for Derek, a symbol for the future and the person that Derek aspired to be.
Just as Derek was about to continue a voice stopped him dead in his tracks.
"What do you think you're doing here? I told you to stay away!" the icy voice said.
"I….I…. Addison I had to see him." Derek pleaded "he's so cute, Addie!".
"No, you don't get to see him after what you did. For all Christopher knows Jake is his father and that is that, you can play the indifference game Derek. After what you did, after you left us there in that rig to die you….you…. Derek I could have dealt with you walking away from me again, I've even grown to accept it but this time you didn't just walk away from me, you walked away from your son and at the worst possible time. You found out something that you didn't want to hear, something that disrupted the perfect illusion that was your life and you reacted the only way you could except this time the consequences were dire. Each and every night I struggled with trying to tell you, I left messages and I called but you were on your high horse ignoring me as if I was beneath you and for that you are at fault Dr. Shepherd, for that you are an ass and for that you will not get to know your son. You didn't know what it was like Derek, you were safe, you were fine, but I…I wasn't. I was literally pinned to the ground covered in amniotic fluid trying to stop the contractions Derek." Addison's voice started to rise and her breathing more labored. "It was hours before anyone found me, I was losing blood faster than I could stop it and every inch of my body felt like it was going to explode. Do you know what it's like Derek to scream until your voice is hoarse because of the pain of your body turning on you, hoping that maybe someone was out there trying to find you? No, I thought not. Derek I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't think that I could love you again, because I did. I thought that this man was the father of my child and one that I had shared almost two decades of my life with, that he would be friends and love this child. Now everything's changed and I see you for who your are Derek Shepherd and I will be damned if I ever let you lay a hand or even see that child, because I know that you will hurt him and I swear to god if you do, I will personally come after you and destroy everything that you love."
Addison was physically shaking as the venom poured out of her mouth viciously attacking Derek. With every word that she spoke, Derek's defences slowly dissolved and he started to break right before her eyes. For so long she had carried around all of this rage and hatred towards this man for everything that he had ever done to hurt her and the ones she loved, right now was Addison finding closure and confronting the man who had for the past six years made her life a living hell. She screamed and shouted and dug every last once of energy from whatever was left in her frail body and let loose of the shocked man in front of her.
"Leave my son now or I will call security and have a restraining order placed against you, barring your from coming anywhere near us." Addison said sternly as the tears continued to pour down her porcelain skin.
Jake had finished making his rounds on his patients and was going to visit his wife, when he suddenly noticed that her bed was bare. His first instinct caused him to panic because she hadn't fully recovered from the accident but he knew her almost better than anyone else and quickly reassured himself that she was probably in the NICU checking up on the baby. He missed his wife and seeing her happy, the past week had been exhausting on him trying to stay strong for her but sometimes Jake found himself lost when his efforts to help her failed. As he neared the NICU he heard two Addison shouted and sped up his pace to reveal his wife violently screaming at Dr. Shepherd who was standing next to his son. Before Jake could say anything and before anyone noticed his presence Derek began to talk.
"I didn't mean to walk away from you Addison. Do you think that I wanted to leave you there all alone. Of course I knew you were trapped there and in labor, but I…I needed a minute to process. I needed to think.
"You son of a bitch, you're the reason she's here!" Jake said as he charged towards Derek and pinned him up against the wall. "All this time I thought that you were being respectful, that you were giving us space, but now I find out that you knew she was in danger and you left her there to die!"
The adrenaline surged through Jake's body as he lifted his fist and collided it with Derek's jaw. As Jake went in for another hit Derek raised his elbow and blocked the oncoming punch. The two men went at each other in an outburst of aggression and hate towards one another, Jake for almost killing his wife and Derek for replacing him as the baby's father.
Addison began screaming to try and get them to stop but her attempts were proven to be unsuccessful.
Nancy and Owen were pleasantly chatting in the hallway when Richard approached them asking about Addison's case, before Nancy could respond the three of them turned their heads at the crashing sound of equipment and the piercing screams that came from the NICU. The doctors instantly ran towards the noise to see what all of the commotion was about and were shocked with the sight before them.
Owen instantly ran towards the two men and pulled them off of each other as Richard shortly followed after. Nancy on the other hand noticed that all of the colour had drained from Addison's face and she began to shake.
"Addison, Addie are you ok?" Nancy anxiously asked her friend. "He knows doesn't he?"
Addison nodded and stared blankly into space as everything began to spin and her breathing intensified. Before she knew it everything became all to much and the world went black.
Nancy quickly caught Addison before she fell onto the ground and held her in her arms as she tried to wake her up.
"Addison, Addie? Sweetie, wake up for me please. Addison please wake up! I need a gurney over here!" Nancy screamed.
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