I think it was militarypenguin who said at one point that Ernie and Jiffie are the two most (intentionally) annoying characters in "Mighty Max". It gave me an idea, and work gave me the time to write it down. Rated PG; 1,283 words.
Friends Forever
Ernie was annoying - there was no nicer way to put it. He squeaked when he laughed; he had stupid nicknames for everybody; and he seemed to have little actual insight into just how annoying he was, which was probably the biggest strike against him of all.
Max was grateful, granted, that Ernie had played such an intricate role in saving the world at one point. Really, aside from homework and having to clean his room every once in a while, the Mighty One considered it a pretty nice place to be. Still, Ernie was driving him nuts. Almost immediately after they'd made it back to Earth safely, devoid of aliens invading and with their brains still thankfully intact, Ernie had been almost leech-like. He followed Max around school. He turned up twice in one week at his house, disarming Max's mom with flowers, of all things. "My mom keeps a garden," he offered, and before Max even had time to find an excuse to run off to Felix's house for some basketball, his mom had invited Ernie to dinner.
"It's a nightmare," Max moaned to his two best friends. The trio had sequestered themselves under a sprawling redwood in a park near Max's home, shielded from both the California heat and, hopefully, any nerdy classmates who might be happening by because they'd already been in the neighborhood anyway, hoping to continue the one-sided conversation started in English class with a certain world-saving pre-teen over whether Mac computers were superior to PCs. (Max had narrowly escaped, dodging out the back door of his house and sprinting down the road as if Skullmaster himself had come calling.
Felix, normally of few words, managed to sum up the situation aptly and succinctly: "bummer, man," he said sympathetically. Bea, usually the more analytical of the two, clucked her tongue.
"He just looks up to you. You've shared this exciting adventure together. It's only natural," she said, matter-of-factly, as if all eleven-year-olds saved the world from brain-sucking aliens.
Max rolled his eyes. "He's nice enough. But he never leaves me alone! Even now, I keep thinking he's going to pop up going, 'oh, hey, Maxy-Waxy. Do you like pre-calculus? I think it's way better than geometry.'" The impression included a passable approximation of Ernie's telltale laugh, which made Felix grin and Bea sigh in disapproval. "What, c'mon," Max said, sounding perturbed. "You only think it's mean because he isn't following you around, you know."
Bea crossed her arms. "I'm sure you're exaggerating on the annoyingness front," she offered.
Max's brow furrowed. "He follows me to the bathroom."
"So he's a little clingy. It's not like he has that many friends," Bea argued.
"The last time he was over at my house, he helped my mom clean the bathroom."
"Well, I'm sure she appreciated it, since you never do it," Bea retorted, faltering a little.
Max groaned. "He told me yesterday he wanted to get matching t-shirts made with our faces on them!"
Bea collapsed into helpless giggles; Felix snorted. "Okay, okay. I feel your pain."
"Thank you," Max replied. He relaxed a little, propping himself on his hands in the soft grass. "It's even worse than when Virgil summons me, you know? At least he doesn't laugh like Mickey Mouse."
"Hey, why don't you ask him for advice?" Bea suggested.
"Oh, sure," Max scoffed, taking off his trademark red cap and twirling it on one finger. "That'll be a great conversation starter: 'So, Virg, any idea how to get rid of an annoying pest?'"
" and he's even got my mom all ga-ga. I can't have one weekend anymore without her going, 'how come you can't do this or that like that nice boy, Ernie?' I can't take it anymore, Virg!"
The ancient fowl looked at his charge with something approximating affection. The two, along with Max's hefty bodyguard, Norman, were in Acapulco on a standard life-threatening mission. While the trio waited for said threat to present itself, however, Max decided to make good on Bea's advice, figuring it couldn't hurt.
"I mean," he continued, on a roll now, "have you ever had to put up with someone who was just annoying as crap?" His mentor raised a feathered eyebrow, staring pointedly at him. "Okay, don't answer that," Max said quickly. "But what can I do to get him to chill out?"
"Well, I perhaps it is simply your outlook on the situation," Virgil said thoughtfully. "Perhaps it is not quite the predicament you are making it out to be."
"You sound like Bea," Max griped.
Virgil sighed. "In that case perhaps directing his attentions onto an object or person that can equally hold his attention would be prudent."
Max groaned and looked at Norman for clarification, knowing the Viking warrior was adept at translating Virgil-speak. "What?"
"Try to get him interested in something else," Norman said simply.
"Precisely," Virgil added, looking satisfied.
"Yeah, okay, but what 'something'?" Max asked. "He's invented enough video games to open his own store, and he still has time to scrub my mom's toilet."
"I still do not entirely understand the dilemma," Virgil mused, but before Max could become too vexed, Norman chimed in.
"Get him interested in a girl."
"Hey, yeah! He won't have time to make t-shirts if he's too busy writing love letters!" The young Cap-Bearer grinned mischievously, and then lapsed into mumbling to himself. "I can get Bea to ask her, I think they have Math Team together Mom can make lasagna oh, this will work perfectly!" Max exclaimed. "Thanks, you guys!"
Virgil blinked, and then looked quizzically at Norman.
"He says 'thanks'," the Guardian translated helpfully.
"You think Max and Ernie have matching BFF necklaces yet?" Felix asked Bea, plopping down at a lunch table in their school's crowded cafeteria.
"With any luck, Max'll be able to convince Ernie to go with the matching ID tags instead," Bea replied with a wry smile. "Hey," she added suddenly, looking surprised. "There he is." The two waved their friend over, and Max set his book bag down near a table leg. "I don't see your shadow," Bea teased.
Max grinned and spread his arms wide. "Ladies and Felix, you are looking at a free man," he announced.
"So Operation: Dump the Chump was a success?" Felix asked curiously.
"Like taking candy from a baby," Max said gleefully. "Bea, whatever you said to her, it totally worked!"
Bea smirked good-naturedly. "Glad to hear it. I suppose you won't be looking over your shoulder every two seconds now?"
Exaggeratedly, Max looked over his shoulder. "What was that?" he joked.
"So where is the happy couple, anyway?" Bea queried, once Max had sat down and dug into his lunch. The Mighty One looked around, his mouth full of sandwich.
"Over by the window," he pointed, swallowing a bite of food. "I present, Exhibit A."
When Ernie strode by, he was hand-in-hand with Jiffie. "We've got so much studying to do!" she exclaimed, watery blue eyes alight with excitement. "Let's do the Geology homework first tonight, Ernie!"
"And then we'll do the Pre-Algebra. And study for Social Studies," Ernie said happily.
"I can't wait!" Jiffie gushed. She caught Max's gaze in the corner of her eye, then pointed him out to Ernie. They both waved.
"Hey, Maxy-Waxy!" Ernie called. A few of the older kids sitting at a nearby lunch table overheard him and snickered.
"I'm free at last," Max lamented, when Bea and Felix joined in with their own laughter. He tugged the brim of his cap down to hide his face. "But I may never be able to go out in public again."