Standing in the Dark – Chapter Five
"I'm sick of being your friend!"
Carlos' eye snapped open as the six familiar and heart-breaking words surprised him. He had been enjoying the silence and darkness, where nothing and nobody could bother him. The short, olive skinned boy stood in the middle of an, of course, abandoned hallway. The marble tile under his feet made up the floor of the hallway that seemed to stretch on forever. Normally, when he had dreams like this, he would be at school and he would be able to see the double doors at the end of the cursed marble tile or a staircase or the happy faces of Kendall, James, and Logan. But this was not one of those dreams.
The tile was visible as far as the stretch of windows on the left wall where the moon shone through the thick glass, lighting up a small portion of the hallway. Beyond the windows, the lasting stretch of the hallway was engulfed in shadows and Carlos could see absolutely nothing, even as he attempted to adjust his eyes to the darkness. The same thing occurred behind him, shadows threatening to swallow him as soon as the moon sunk over the horizon.
"I'm sick of hanging out with you!"
Carlos jumped as the voice shouted from the darkness across from him, only inched from his trembling form. He knew that voice. It was Logan, the very boy who had spoken the harsh words to the Latino earlier that day. His voice was distorted, as though speaking through a filter, and it caused chills to run up and down Carlos' spine.
Gazing into the frightening darkness, Carlos saw something moving towards him. He knew instantly it was Logan, and even though the words felt like a knife stabbing him in the heart, he felt comforted. Brown eyes flashed brightly in the shadows and Carlos smiled weakly, flinched back when a shout echoed throughout the hallway once more.
"I'm sick of you, Carlos. I don't know how I've put up with you all these years."
Logan wasn't yelling, but his voice was louder than Carlos could imagine coming from the raven. He could feel the warm breath of his older band mate against his face and the brown eyes burned into his, hatred flaring up in the chocolate orbs. Carlos flinched as he felt Logan's strong hand suddenly clutch his throat. He wasn't squeezing hard enough for Carlos to choke, but enough to make his breath hitch. This wasn't his friend. This was some demon that hell had conjured inside his mind. A demon that was determined to rip him apart from the inside.
"I hate you. So much, Carlos. We all do. Kendall, James, and I." Logan snarled, his voice becoming slightly clearer but still rough and causing Carlos' skin to crawl.
"N-No-" Carlos began but was cut off as Logan tightened his grip on the Latino's throat.
"You ruined our friendship, Carlos. The minute you became a filthy little faggot, you ruined our friendship. We can't spend two minutes with you without feeling as though you're trying to seduce one of us." Logan growled through clenched teeth, his brown eyes seeming to turn red as Carlos held his unblinking gaze, tears brimming the edges of his own huge orbs.
"But, Logan… I told you guys that I didn't feel anything for you. You know I would never try to-"
"Shut up! You're an abomination to this world! You're filthy and a freak! The second you die, you're going to burn in hell and we're all going to watch with satisfied smiles." Logan screamed, eyes completely turning a deep red as fire danced across his pupils.
Before Carlos could respond, Logan vanished, though the pressure on his throat remained. The sound of pounding footsteps came from behind and the Latino whirled around just in time for a fist to make contact with his face. He fell back on the ground and brought a hand to his face, checking to see if his nose was bleeding. Thankfully, it was not. Looking up at his attacker, Carlos' eyes grew wide with fear as he recognized the green eyed, blonde haired demon looming over his small form. Kendall.
The blonde remained silent as he brought his fists down on the slightly injured boy on the ground. Carlos screamed as though his body was being lit on fire, but all he could see was Kendall punching and kicking him. He watched as Kendall's foot connected with the side of his head but felt nothing but fire as it burned more fiercely than before.
He laid on the cold tile, screaming, as the fire grew hotter and hotter, the pressure on his throat increasing. He gulped for air but only managed to breath in the slightest bit before Kendall hit him again. He closed his eyes, expecting another series of beating, but felt nothing. Opening his swollen eyes, he noticed that Kendall had vanished, just like Logan had moments before. He was also no longer in that horrifying hallway, but standing in the middle of Logan and Kendall's shared bedroom. Daylight was shining through the windows, giving a mid-afternoon feel and Carlos knew he was still dreaming.
"I'm glad you decided to move in with us, James." Kendall said happily as he walked past Carlos, not even acknowledging the Latino. Turning around to see where Kendall was headed, Carlos immediately noticed Logan helping James move a bed into the room. It was James' bed. The very bed that was supposed to be sitting in the room James shared with Carlos.
"I'm glad I don't have to stay with him anymore." James grunted as he lifted the bed up off the ground, the task made easier courtesy of Logan who was holding up the other end. Together, they set the twin sized bed on the wall next to the window, a space cleared just for James. Kendall and Logan were very clean people, so, naturally, they had plenty of room for another roommate.
"I can't imagine sharing a room with a faggot." Kendall snickered, leaning against the doorway as he watched James flop down on his bed, breathing heavily from carrying the heavy piece of furniture.
"It's a nightmare. Always having to worry about waking up naked one day." James chuckled.
Carlos stared at his friends with wide, tear glistening eyes. They would never say those things about him. James was his best friend, the one he was closest to out of all three of them. In fact, James was first person Carlos came out to. He would never betray him like that. After all, this was just a dream, and he knew it. No matter how real it felt, Carlos knew he would wake up soon enough and the world would be right again. Kendall and Logan would apologize and James would suggest that they all go play some lobby hockey and it would be just like old times.
"Hey."
Carlos turned around slowly at the sound of the semi-familiar voice coming from the hallway. He rubbed the tears from his eyes as he immediately recognized the tall, lean form leaning against the doorframe. A bright smile greeted him and brown eyes brought the distraught boy comfort – something Carlos' friends had never been able to do for him. Well, at least not recently.
"Hey." Carlos replied with a whisper, the drone of Kendall, James, and Logan's conversation fading slightly as he turned his full attention to Bradley.
The blonde extended his arms and Carlos wasted no time as he stepped into Bradley's embrace. The tall boy held him close and the smell of coffee and cigarettes gradually calmed him down. Carlos finally allowed his tears to fall, the confusion of the dream and events of the dark hallway finally starting to affect him.
"Shh, Carlos."
"I'm here. I won't let any of those horrible people hurt you."
"Carlos. Shut up."
"Seriously. Shut the hell up."
"Carlos! Wake up!"
The Latino's eyes snapped open as Bradley's soothing voice changed to a gruff, aggravated one that was much more familiar. Attempting to sit up, Carlos felt the pressure on his throat return and he finally noticed that one of his blankets was wrapped tightly around his throat. Pulling the blanket off quickly and letting it fall to the floor, Carlos sat up. His cheeks were streaked with tears and his throat hurt, but his eyes were dry as he searched through the darkness of the room for the source of the voice.
"Finally, you stop blubbering." The grumble of James' voice came from the twin bed on the other side of the room. "If you're going to scream and cry and keep me awake all night, get out."
Carlos felt his stomach drop at James' harsh words. They weren't anywhere as mean as what Logan or Kendall had said, but they still hurt. The words lacked the concern that Carlos would normally have been given after waking up from a nightmare. Words that Bradley had used to comfort him in his dream.
"Sorry." Carlos whispered as he crawled out of his bed, shivering as his warm skin touched the cold hardwood floor. Ignoring the fact that it was three forty in the morning, according to his clock beside his bed, Carlos staggered towards the door. James' bed was pushed against the same wall as the door and Carlos paused as he walked by, earning a glare from the brunette.
"Don't just stand there in stare at me, creep." James grumbled, rolling over in his bed to where his back was facing the Latino.
"Sorry," Carlos apologized again, "Goodnight, James."
His only response was an impatient grunt and Carlos quickly left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. Normally, James would have pulled Carlos into his bed and hugged him, whispering caresses into his ear until the younger boy had calmed down from the horrors of his dream. Normally, James would have asked what the dream was about and reassure Carlos that monsters and ghosts and demons did not exist and that he would always be safe in his older brother's arms.
"I can't imagine sharing a room with a faggot."
"It's a nightmare. Always having to worry about waking up naked one day."
Carlos shook his head as the quotes from his dream came back to haunt him as he walked down the hallway towards the living room and kitchen. The sounds of Kendall and James chuckling nagged at his brain and it was all Carlos could do not to punch the wall. He clenched his fists and stopped walking, taking a few deep breaths in attempt to calm himself down. He could control his anger. It had only been just a dream.
He friends loved him. His friends didn't mind that he was gay. They would never call him a faggot. They would never pointedly ignore him. They would never make fun of him for his sexuality. They would never lie just so they wouldn't have to hang out with him.
The only thing was, they had made fun of him. They had lied just so they wouldn't have to hang out with him.
"It's a hobby for gay people."
"I'm sick of being your friend."
Carlos ground his teeth together and slammed his fist into the blue painted wall. His knuckles left a dent in the sheetrock and red liquid began to form on his skin. There wasn't much major damage on his hand, only a few scrapes here and there, except for a gash on his ring finger knuckle that was bleeding heavily.
Carlos closed his eyes and sighed, leaning back against the wall and sliding down to the ground. He kept his eyes closed as he clutched his hand, feeling his knuckles throb as the blood gradually began to dry. He took a few deep breaths and let his eyes remain closed as he pulled his knees up to his chest. It wasn't like Carlos to loose control like that, but he was glad that he hadn't resulted to punching an actual person. Sure, he had punched Kendall the other day, but he hadn't even left a bruise on the blonde's smug face. A punch like the one he gave the wall would surely break a nose and cause a nasty black eye.
He was just glad that the noise hadn't woken up any of the guys. They probably would have made a big deal out of it – if they even paid attention to the Latino anymore. James was the only to actually speak to him since Logan had told him off the previous day. After Carlos had gotten over the shock of the raven yelling at him, he had scurried off to apartment 2J, where he found Kendall and James playing videogames on their signature orange couch.
The tallest members of Big Time Rush had failed to notice their broken friend as they continued their game and Carlos decided to not bother them. Instead, he spent the rest of the evening in his room, going through the pictures he had recently uploaded to his computer and deleting over a thousand. Not that they would be missed – if he found anything wrong with a picture, it was immediately deleted. Motion frames, background goofs, or just plain horrible lighting drove Carlos insane. He still had over two thousand sitting in a folder on his desktop and in a flash drive that he kept under his bed in a box. Those pictures were special to him and he didn't want to take the chance of loosing them any time soon.
By the time Carlos had finished cleaning up the folder, James had already retired to his bed without a word to the Latino and he decided it would be good to get some rest as well. He fell asleep quickly, but that was when the nightmare struck.
Remembering the dreadful nightmare, Carlos shivered and stood up, not wanting to remain alone in the hallway anymore. Instead, he moved to the orange couch, where Kendall and James' controllers were still strewn out on the brightly colored fabric. He pushed the white controllers off carelessly, not caring when they fell to the ground, laid down on the couch.
He rested his black hair on a pillow that Mama Knight had given them last Christmas and closed his eyes. But the moment his lids locked, the horrors of the dream returned and his brown eyes snapped open once more. Running a hand through his hair, Carlos sighed and tried to steady the rapid beating of his heart. He didn't know why this dream bothered him so much – he had worse. It was probably because it felt so real.
The hatred that had burned in Logan's eyes as he choked Carlos had been similar to the hatred that burned in his eyes earlier that day. The harshness of his tone and the way his face was twisted with anger seemed so real that Carlos found himself wondering if it actually happened, even if he knew that it had only been a dream.
The way Kendall had kicked and punched him so many times reminded him of the other night when Kendall made fun of his sexuality and the "scuffle" that occurred between the two. The fire in his green eyes caused Carlos to shiver in his spot on the couch, even though it was warmer than usual in the apartment.
Even when James had moved in with Kendall and Logan, Carlos had felt as though it was real. He was a ghost in their lives and they no longer bothered to acknowledge him. James obviously hated being his roommate, something that had been confirmed the moment Carlos awoke from his nightmare. He never doubted his roommate's feelings about rooming with Carlos, but he did now. Did James really hate him enough to leave him for Kendall and Logan – just because they are straight?
But there was the one part of his dream that instantly comforted him. The small moment he shared with Bradley. He had felt safe in the boy's arms and the semi-familiar smell made him forget all the bad things, until he woke up, at least. He felt as though Bradley could protect him.
But why couldn't Kendall, James, or Logan be the ones to comfort and protect him? They had always been there for him before. Why not now?
Feeling a lone tear make its way down his cheek, Carlos buried his face into the pillow. If he concentrated hard enough, he could still smell Bradley's scent from his dream.
"Why do they hate me?"
I felt like I owed you guys another update after my long absence, so here you go! I hope you liked it; I'm really excited to finally get this story going. I hope you are too!
Thanks for reading and don't forget to leave a review if you liked it, or hated it so much you wanted to punch a newborn kitten, whichever!
Love you guys!
- Carnie