Standing in the Dark – Chapter Thirteen
I need to fix this. I need to fix this. I need to fix this. I have to fix this.
Sitting on a fiery red couch in the apartment that they all knew too well, Logan sat on the middle cushion, hunched over, with his head in his hands. A headache had formed in his brain almost as soon as Carlos had pulled away from the store with the guy Logan had never seen before in his life. His head was pounding and the image of his old best friend crying was burned into his memory, and nothing he did could make it go away.
Over the sound of blood pulsing in his ears and the voice inside his head most call a conscience, Logan could just barely hear the words being shouted at him by someone he used to consider his brother.
"…and we all agreed that we would have nothing to do with him! Never! And you go and suggest…"
God damnit, I need to fix this. We need to fix this.
Grinding his teeth together, Logan ran his hands through his hair and grabbed tight at the raven locks. His conscience was screaming at him and Kendall was screaming at him and it was just making his headache worse at it continued.
"…make you think he deserves our apology? He's a freak…"
Logan didn't bother questioning what Kendall was saying. Nothing made sense anymore. The Kendall he had known and grown up with, the one who never turned his back on his friends, did anything he could to help people, and who would never hurt anyone, was gone. Years ago he had been replaced with a Kendall that not even his own mother could recognize. Logan felt a pang in his heart as he longed for the old Kendall. The old Kendall would be able to help him figure out how to put together the puzzle that was his mind and find out how to fix the situation.
The raven felt the couch dip beside him, but Kendall continued to yell, so he knew it was James. The older boy hadn't spoken at all since they had seen Carlos – something very unusual for him. Even after they had dropped off Andrew at his large home just outside of Beverly Hills, something that James always had to make a snide remark about, he had remained silent.
Although the band had just gotten bigger and bigger over the years – topping the charts with almost every single they released and selling out hundreds of venues all over the country and internationally – they had always remained in their apartment at the Palm Woods. Maybe if Carlos was still around, and the old Kendall was still present, they would have all bought a large house together. Or moved into the same neighborhood.
But they hardly spent any time in the apartment, anyway. Always in the studio, at public events like parties and charity auctions, or on tour and they didn't see the point in moving.
Logan jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he lifted his head from his hands to look over at James. The chestnut haired man was giving him a sympathetic look, and Logan knew that James felt exactly the same. James regretted everything they had ever done to Carlos and regretted every moment they spent apart from their old friend, just as Logan did.
"…apologizing would be a waste of time anyway! Carlos is just some faggot who has his own life now. He doesn't concern us."
That was it. Logan couldn't take it anymore.
"What the hell is your problem, Kendall?" Logan shouted, springing up from the couch, standing only inches from Kendall's shocked face. To be honest, Logan was shocked too, but he wasn't about to back down. "Carlos was our best friend. And what did we do? We threw him away! We treated him like shit! We beat him up and drove him away because he was terrified of staying in the one place where he should have felt like he was at home!" The raven was shaking now, but he didn't stop.
"I can't even remember why we did it! I have no idea why I agreed to kick him out of the band! Carlos was always there for us, and we threw him away for popularity. We hurt our best friend so that our image would look better." Logan was sweating, face red and eyes wide with rage, "And Kendall, I don't even know you anymore."
As soon as the words left his mouth, Logan's face went from angry to scared. Not scared of Kendall, or what he would do in reaction to his words, but scared of the fact that it was true. "I don't even know myself anymore, Kendall. I don't know anything anymore."
The blonde stared at Logan with wide, green eyes. The anger he had possessed had vanished as Logan finished his rant. There was a pang in his chest – guilty, he figured – as Logan's voice faltered and he looked as if he was about to cry.
Kendall knew exactly what Logan meant, but his pride was suffocating him. "What the hell do you mean? I'm Kendall. You're Logan. We're Big Time Rush."
"Don't you get it, Kendall?" James stood up, his voice shattering the tension in the room. This was the first time he had spoken, and Logan couldn't help but feel relieved that he was finally speaking. "We stopped being Big Time Rush the moment we agreed to kick Carlos out of the band. We turned into monsters for a little bit of fame. We made a pact to never let Hollywood change us, but it still did."
Kendall was about to respond in attempt to contradict his friend, but Logan intervened before he had the chance.
"Kendall, you've changed. Well, we all have, but you've changed the most. Of all of us, I never thought you would be the one to turn cold." Logan swallowed thickly, his voice less shaky now as he struggled to put his words together, "I know the Kendall I grew up with is still in there somewhere. The Kendall who would know what he did wrong, and be strong enough to push past his pride and admit it."
Kendall stared at his two best friends. They were both looking at him with someone along the lines of pity and disgust, rolled in to one. He knew Logan was right, but anger boiled inside of him at the raven's words.
"Well that's too damn bad, Logan. Because I'm not ruining my career for the sake of that faggot." He snarled before pushing past his friends and leaving the apartment, slamming the door behind him.
The slam shook the entire apartment, causing James and Logan to wince. They exchanged a glance, sorrow resting deep in their eyes.
"We have to apologize, James. With or without Kendall." The raven whispered.
James looked at the floor and nodded. "I know."
The chestnut haired boy swallowed thickly and bit his lip before looking back up at Logan. His hazel eyes were watery and his eyelids were brimmed with tears, but Logan knew he wouldn't let them fall. Still, his expression showed just how he felt. "I feel like a monster, Logan."
"You don't have to explain, James. I know exactly how you feel. Trust me."
"But how are we supposed to fix this? We don't know where Carlos lives or what he does for a living. How are we supposed to find him?" James asked, his voice shaky as he tried to ignore the lump in his throat.
"I don't know." Logan confessed as he turned away from James and ran a hand through his hair. Suddenly, his eyes went wide and he turned to his older friend. "But I know someone who might know where he is."
The two boys stood outside of apartment 4J, hearts beating rapidly. Neither had knocked yet, both afraid of what might happen when the resident inside answered. Exchanging a glance for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, Logan bit his lip. He knew in the end, he would have to be the one to knock, and the person on the other side wouldn't be too happy to see him.
Leaning forward, Logan rapped the wooden door with his knuckled before pulling back. He was breathing hard now, eyes wider than usual and heart racing. He fought every instinct telling him to run. He needed help finding Carlos. He couldn't run away now.
The door swung open not three seconds later and Logan flinched at the sudden movement. Just inside the apartment stood the one and only Camille Roberts.
She hadn't changed much over the years. Her hair was slightly longer but she got it trimmed regularly and she still had the same fashion sense as she had when Logan last spoke to her three years ago. Right after she called him a monster and told him he didn't deserve to live.
He could still hear her shouting at him. He could still see how her eyes were flashing with anger and she was screaming as loud as she could. She followed him around the apartment, shouting at him to get out and never come back.
Logan tore through the apartment, blinded by rage in search of the one thing he was looking for. Carlos. Behind him, Camille was shouting, "Get out of my apartment, Logan! Get out!"
"I'm not leaving until I find him and kill him!" Logan yelled back, turning around and facing her. He regretted yelling at her the moment the words left his mouth, and all rage left his body as she stared at him in shock.
"Just get out, Logan. You're a monster." Tears were streaming down her face, adrenaline from her anger fading as fear set in. Logan had never yelled her at and she had never seen him this angry. "You're a monster and I can't believe you would want to kill your best friend. You're the one who deserves to die Logan. You hurt him and you've chased him away. You're a monster."
A monster. He winced as the word echoed in his mind and he felt her eyes burning into him. She had said nothing since she opened the door. She just stared at the two of them. Logan was silently begging her to speak. To scream. To hit him. To slam the door. Anything but stand there in silence.
The worst part was that she had no readable expression. The way James was tensed beside him told Logan that he was just as terrified as the raven. Please, Camille, just say something.
"Logan?"
Finally.
"H-hey." The raven breathed, noticing that there was no hint of anger or anything in her voice. Just bewilderment.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, looking from James to Logan and back again.
"Well, we do kind of live here." Logan snapped, and his breath hitched. Why did he snap at her? Stupid. Stupid.
You're a monster.
"Oh, so you came here to be rude?" Camille asked, resting a hand on her hip as she looked at him with narrowed eyes. "Three years without even acknowledging each other and all you are is rude?"
James sighed and Logan knew he would have to fend for himself here. "No. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I just expected you to… I don't know…"
"Yell at you again?"
"Yeah."
Camille glared at him with unblinking brown eyes and Logan shifted on his feet. He almost forgot why the two of them were there, until James cleared his throat. Camille tore her gaze away from Logan and instead glared at the older man. She obviously didn't want to talk to him any more than Logan.
James briefly glanced at Logan without turning his head before looking back at Camille and speaking, "We want to know where Carlos is."
The brunette scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest, "And what makes you think I'm going to tell you that?"
Hope swelled in Logan's heart. The way she spoke made it seem as if she did, in fact, know where Carlos lived. It wouldn't surprise him. Carlos had gone to her, his last friend, in his last days at the Palm Woods. He trusted her. "So you do know where he is?"
Leaning against the door, Camille looked at him again, looking slightly agitated at his question. "Yes, I know exactly where he is."
"Then please tell us where he is, Camille." James began, cutting her off before she could refuse, "We know what we did to him. We hurt him more than an apology can fix, but we have to apologize. Please give us a chance."
Camille stared at the two of them, looking at her with pleading eyes. Something told her not to tell them, but a stronger feeling told her it would be better if she did. She hadn't spoken to Carlos in over a year, but she regularly checked up on Bradley. She knew things that the boys didn't deserve to know about Carlos and what he had been doing for the past three years, but her instinct told her that they needed to find out for themselves.
Turning around she reached for a piece of paper off of the table beside the door and scribbled down an address. Turning back to the boys, she sighed and handed it to James. He took the paper carefully and glanced down at it, noticing something familiar about the address but not being able to remember where he knew it from.
"Thank you so much, Camille. We promise we won't do anything to hurt him ever again." James said as he took a step back into the middle of the hallway and waved goodbye.
She waved back as he left and Logan turned to follow him, but she quickly grabbed him by the arm. Surprised, he turned to her and she leaned forward and placed a kiss on his lips, eyes shut. Although he was shocked by the sudden gesture, Logan allowed his eyes to close as he kissed her back.
Almost as soon as she had done it, Camille pulled away. Logan opened his eyes to meet with her brown ones. She nodded and that was all Logan need to know what she meant. Maybe she hadn't forgiven him completely for what he and the others had done to Carlos, but she forgave him for yelling at her and she was happy that he was finally going to apologize.
"Bye, Camille."
"Bye."
He watched as her door slowly closed before he turned into the hallway. The raven almost ran straight in to the back of James' shirt, stumbling backwards. He still had that floaty feeling after kissing Camille, so instead of asking, Logan peered around his friend before gasping.
Standing at the end of the hall was Kendall. He was staring at the ground, wringing his hands together, and looking as if he had just walked through hell. Turning his gaze to James, Logan saw that the chestnut haired man was gritting his teeth, but didn't look angry. He looked more shocked than anything.
"Did you change your mind?" James asked, his tone harsh and sharp.
Kendall looked up at the two of them, nothing but sadness and regret in his green eyes. Logan almost took pity on him. But something kept him from walking up and hugging the man right then and there. This could just be an act. The new Kendall was unpredictable – this could just be a sympathy act.
"Actually… I did."
"Bullshit."
"No, really guys." Kendall stepped towards them, his hair frizzy and thin like a stressed and exhausted college student the day before finals. "Logan, I thought about what you said. And you're right. I've been a jerk. No, an asshole. A asshole and a monster. For the past three years, I've let Hollywood change me however it wanted to, just like I promised it wouldn't. I've lost Carlos and Jo and I think I've lost you guys too."
The blonde cleared his throat and continued, "You know, I don't have an excuse for acting the way I did. But when I left the apartment, after what Logan said, I realized how true it is. I realized that I became the man I promised I never would. I became my father."
Logan and James looked confused. Even though they had known Kendall since preschool, no one ever spoke about his father. They knew nothing about the man. Kendall and his family refused to talk about him, so he was nothing but a name to them.
"I hate talking about my father. I hate everything about him. I hate him because he acted exactly how I have since Carlos left. He treated me, my mother, and Katie like shit and it took us years to leave him. He would yell and he would be unreasonable and he was always angry." Kendall looked down at the ground again; looking so ashamed it broke Logan's heart, "And I promised myself that I would never be that man. But I became him."
James' expression softened, but his tone was still sharp as he replied, "I'm not going to say it was okay and forgive you, Kendall, because it wasn't okay. And I don't pity you for how your father acted."
Kendall looked at if he was about to cry, and he took a step back. The way James spoke, it was clear to him that they didn't want him near them or Carlos anymore. They weren't his friends anymore. He had ruined the last thing he held close to him and he turned away from the two men as he began to leave.
"You're heart is in the right place, though."
Kendall stopped short and looked over his shoulder, confused. "What?"
James gave him a friendly smile. A real smile. Probably the first real smile that any of them had worn since they agreed to get rid of Carlos.
"Although I don't forgive you for being a complete and utter asshole… everyone deserves a second chance, Kendall. Especially Carlos."
"So Carlos works across the street from Hawk Records?" Logan had asked when they pulled up to the address of the coffee shop that Camille had given to them.
James' eyes went wide with realization as he glanced down at the piece of paper, "That's why the address is so familiar."
"But don't you think it's strange that he chose to work on this side of town?" Logan questioned.
The other two boys had merely shrugged and climbed out of the car. Although it would have been practical for Carlos to seek revenge on them by getting signed by their rival record producer – they knew he would never stoop that low. They might have ruined his life, but he was too kind hearted to ruin theirs.
Closing the driver's side door, Kendall turned his attention to the shop. It was definitely not a popular chain like Starbucks or Dunkin, so he didn't recognize the name.
"Bean & Gone Café…" He muttered aloud as he walked up to the door. The name was printed on the glass door in black letters with a silhouette of a steaming coffee cup underneath. "I never thought of Carlos as the coffee shop kind of guy."
James and Logan stood shoulder to shoulder with the blonde, feeling as closer as a group than they had in months. It was nice. Even though things were messier than they ever had been, this was slowly bringing them closer.
"Well… here goes nothing." Kendall said with a sigh as he pushed through the door and a loud chime echoed through the shop.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Okay guys, just like Kendall, I have no excuse for not updating for what... seven months?
Wow, it's been seven months since I last updated this story. I can't tell you guys how awful I feel for not writing! I've been wanting to write and update, but I just haven't been able to get around to it. I love this story, and it's the best one I've ever written, and I promised myself I wouldn't abandon it like I have all the others. I've never been able to completely finish a story, ever, so I really want this to be the first.
I can't say that updates will be very frequent, but this story WILL be finished one day! Hopefully sooner than later.
Anyway, on a less guilty note, I really hope you guys liked this chapter! There may be a few mistakes in regards to the plot since I haven't updated in such a long time and I might have forgotten some things or added some things that don't make sense - so please let me know if I did! Also, so that you guys aren't too mad at me for my long absence, I think you'll be happy to know that I've already written the next chapter!
But - there's always a but isn't there? - I won't be posting it until tomorrow or the day after! I really want to know your feedback on the story as it is right now and I was to revise over chapter fourteen before posting it. So please leave a review, even if you don't usually review stories, all the feedback I can get would be great! I really do love this story, and I know you guys do too!
I'll stop rambling now and let you guys go on with your life, but please don't forget to leave me feedback! Thank you so much for reading and I love you all!
Much love ~ Carnie