Chapter 30: Moments of Clarity
Late the next morning, Sam sought Teal'c out. Janet had insisted on keeping her in the infirmary overnight, which meant missing school the next day, even though she'd felt much better after a full night's sleep. Physically at least.
Emotionally was a whole different can of worms.
Her confidence in her ability to defend herself and carry on her part in the mission had never been high since the glitch that had made her so much younger than originally planned. How could you feel confident in a physical battle when you were just barely over three feet tall? But her sessions with Teal'c, and the assurance her team held in her had led her to believe that maybe she could pull of this mission despite the odds. Yesterday though, a band of little more than adolescents had taken her unaware, and her confidence was sorely shaken. Instinctively, she sought out the one person that could help her sort through the confusing maelstrom of thoughts and conflicting emotions whirling in her head.
Sam found her large friend outside sitting cross-legged on a wide, flat boulder in the sun. He appeared to be meditating. Sam hesitated, unwilling to disturb him, even though she knew Teal'c no longer needed to kelnorim. Despite his lack of a symbiote, the large Jaffa had maintained that the process of kelnorim was relaxing to the disordered state of mind, and had continued to practice the steps of controlled meditation formerly necessary to bring about a state of rest and healing.
Just as she had decided to go back inside and seek out her teammate later, Teal'c opened his eyes. "Major Carter," he greeted, tilting his head slightly to regard her. "Do you require my assistance?"
She wrinkled her nose, hesitating. "I didn't mean to bother you, Teal'c," she said.
He inclined his head slightly. "You can never disturb me, Major Carter. Please, come, sit beside me." Sam relaxed at the invitation, clambering up onto the large rock, sighing as the warmth of the sun on her back and the stone underneath seeped into abused muscles.
"It's a good thing we aren't using the Oops Jar anymore," she joked, referring to SG-1's current reversion into using familiar signs of address. Glancing sideways at Teal'c, she caught a slight smile.
"We will not use the incorrect names when it matters," he replied with total confidence.
She shrugged. "I suppose you're right." A breeze blew, ruffling her hair, and she closed her eyes briefly. As she shifted to get more comfortable, the soreness in her abdomen reminded her of the events of the previous day and she tensed.
Noting her tension, Teal'c looked down at her. "You are preoccupied," he stated.
Her eyes shot back open, and she looked up at Teal'c in surprise. "Yeah," she admitted reluctantly. "Yeah, I guess I am."
"How can I be of assistance?"
Frowning, Sam pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, and laid her chin on bent knees. "Curtis took me by surprise yesterday, Teal'c, and he shouldn't have. I let him get a hold on me. I can't let that happen again."
Teal'c was silent for a moment, pondering. "You wish to practice defense moves?"
Breathing out a sigh of relief that he understood so quickly, she relaxed slightly. "Yes. You'll help?"
"No."
Startled, Sam lifted her head, meeting Teal'c's gaze. "What? Why not? I need help Teal'c, bad." She bit her lip against further self-incriminating statements.
"Your thoughts are elsewhere. And while I believe there is some benefit to venting frustrations in a physical manner, I do not think it is what you need at this time." He studied her thoughtfully.
"Oh," she said weakly, disheartened. But Teal'c wasn't finished.
"I propose we endeavor to empty your mind of disruptive and disorganized thoughts. When I judge that you are mentally prepared, we will retire to the mat," he announced.
"We… uh… what?" she asked, feeling a little dazed.
No doubt taking pity on her, his face relaxed. "You must be able to re-enter this mission with you mind ordered, or your foes will have an advantage. Kelnorim will allow you to control your thoughts, and reach the proper state of mental readiness," he explained.
Sam's brows drew together. "You want me to meditate? I'm not sure if I can do that."
"I will help you. It is not precisely meditation that I will show you, but a form of mental awareness that we teach young Jaffa before they receive their first primta, in order to help them learn the mental control they will later need to properly Kelnorim." He smiled gently at her disbelieving look. "Come, find a comfortable position, and we will begin," he directed, leaving no room for further protests.
Giving her teammate one last look, Sam obeyed, deciding to copy his pose. At the last moment, she arranged herself with her back touching his, wanting the contact. Teal'c said nothing about her chosen position, and instead, launched immediately into the lesson.
"Close your eyes and empty your mind," he directed. "Your troubles belong to someone else. Listen to my voice, and my voice only."
Concentrating on his words, Sam tried to forget about her worries and focus on her surroundings as Teal'c began to describe them in minute detail. Sensations slowly began to come alive. The sun on her face was like a kiss, the breeze a caress. Her inner eye began to visualize the things she had seen before she closed her eyes, but with a sharp clarity she hadn't known she possessed.
Sun gleamed through a blade of grass like a stained glass window, highlighting delicate veins. A leaf drifted across her mind's eye, like a dancer to unseen music, caught in the choreography of the wind. A pinecone fell, and she imagined she could hear the sound as it hit the ground many feet away, saw the bumpy projections of the cone, a drop of sap glistening in the afternoon light. The trees whispered to one another, their secrets known only to other green growing things. A female robin flitted from branch to branch and tree to tree, spreading wings wide to cup the air. Perching, she preened, fluffing brown feathers and cleaning a wing feather, the muted red of her belly standing out among the remaining brown leaves of the maple she rested in.
The meadow was alive, with sights, sounds, smells, and feelings. Sam felt she was experiencing it more fully through Teal'c's descriptions than she ever would have with her eyes open. So immersed into the experience was she, that it was some time before she noticed that Teal'c had stopped talking. By then, an unknown length of time had passed, but so vivid were his words that she had continued to experience the visualization in her mind. Slowly, the pictures and feelings began to fade, and she became conscious of her own body, growing stiff from remaining motionless for so long. The sun had disappeared behind the clouds, taking the unseasonable warmth with it, and only her back where it touched Teal'c was still warm.
Teal'c must have sensed the change in her breathing. "You have done well, Major Carter," he said, sounding pleased.
Sam opened her eyes, blinking at her surroundings. Everything seemed dim, somehow colder and less defined, and not just because of the new angle of the sun. "Um… wow," she said, a little weakly. She sensed Teal'c smiling, before he moved, rising easily.
Facing her, he held out a hand, and Sam took it, realizing she was stiff and needed the assistance. "Come," he said, "You are ready to spar now."
Dusting her pants off, Sam looked up at her remarkable friend. He never failed to surprise her. "Thanks Teal'c," she said sincerely.
"It has been my pleasure to aid you, Major Carter," he replied. Turning, he led the way inside, and Sam followed, feeling relaxed in a way she would not have imagined after yesterday.
"Hey Sam," came a familiar voice from the doorway. Sam looked up from her laptop and offered her friend a wan smile.
"Hey Daniel," she returned, stretching with a groan.
He gave her a rueful look. "I came to see if you wanted to join me for lunch."
Sam looked down at the laptop, and considered for a minute. Her eating schedule was off, and despite the late afternoon hour, she'd not had a full meal since breakfast and a hastily grabbed snack after her sparring match with Teal'c.
"Yeah, just let me shut this program down," she said. She was actually hungry, though she suspected that Daniel was looking after more than just her stomach this time. He confirmed it a moment later, as he crossed the rest of the way in the room.
"No need," he said, "I brought lunch." He produced a medium sized paper bag, which he set on a clear space on her workbench, and Sam noticed a tempting aroma coming from the bag.
"Is that…?" she asked, pushing the laptop out of the way.
"Lucy's Deli," he supplied before she could complete the question, already opening the bag and removing wrapped sandwiches.
"My favorite," she replied happily. Daniel's answering grin as he passed over one of the sandwiches said he knew that perfectly well. He paused in the unpacking and held up a soda can with a quizzical look.
Sam considered, and shook her head wistfully. "I shouldn't, not after the other night." Daniel only shrugged as if he wasn't surprised. Putting the soda down, he pulled out two small plastic bottles of chocolate milk. At her curious look, he shrugged again.
"It's supposed to be good for you isn't it?" he said mildly, handing her a bag of chips, and starting to open his own packages.
She giggled. "My dad always used to say, 'Drink your milk, it will put hair on your chest,'" she finished, having deepened her voice and put on a mock stern expression.
"You must not have not drunk enough growing up then," he said, so seriously that for a moment, she almost believed him. He smiled, and they both dissolved into laughter.
The mood lightened as they applied themselves to their meal. Sam was nearly finished when he finally broached the subject she knew had brought him.
"So, Sam, how are you doing, really?" he asked, looking at her across the table.
She frowned down at the remains of her sandwich and collected her thoughts. "Ok. Really. I'm not back to normal, but I'm getting there," she answered honestly.
He studied her, and then nodded, looking relieved.
"What about you?" she asked suddenly, before he could continue.
He looked surprised at her question, but she could see he was giving it sincere thought. "Truthfully," he said, "I'm not all that comfortable with letting you go back there," holding up a hand over her automatic protest. "It's taking every bit of control I have not to do something about Curtis and his little band of terrors. Letting them go unpunished goes against every moral fiber I have. And letting you near them again is even worse," he sighed, shaking his head.
"To be just as honest," she said quietly, "The thought of going anywhere near those…" she paused, casting about for a word, and finally settling on, "bullies, gives me the chills. But the thought of letting Seshat remain free is even worse. Daniel, you didn't see his face when he was talking about her. It was like she was his… I don't know…" she trailed off.
"Goddess?" Daniel supplied helpfully, and Sam nodded.
"That's it exactly. He worshiped her." She shook her head. "I doubt he was a model citizen before she found him, but there is no doubt in my mind that she's the one responsible for molding him into what he is now." She looked up and met his gaze. "We owe it to Providence, and Earth to see this through. "
He sighed, and nodded. "I still don't have to like it."
She crumpled her sandwich wrapper. "When it comes down to it, he's just a bully."
"I hate bullies," Daniel said with sudden, and surprising vehemence, and Sam looked at him in surprise. He gave her a sheepish look. "I was the new kid. Small, skinny, smart, glasses… well you get the picture."
Sam nodded in understanding. "We moved a lot, my family. Skipping a grade didn't help either. It took me a while, but eventually I learned to spot the trouble makers, and avoid them like the plague."
"It helped if you stayed with the crowds, or in sight of teachers too," Daniel added.
"Oh, yeah," she agreed, suddenly looking much more relaxed.
"What?" he asked, noticing her shift in mood.
"Bullies are cowards really. They act tough, but at the heart, they are afraid of being caught, they want to be accepted by their peers," Sam said.
Daniel looked thoughtful, and nodded. "Yeah, they look for easy targets."
"Most of them wouldn't act up under a teacher's nose," she said, giving Daniel a smile.
"So all you need to do is make sure you stay under the teacher's noses as much as possible," he grinned.
She shook her head ruefully. "Not too hard, we don't go many places without a chaperone anyway."
"Good. That leaves just one more thing," Daniel announced. Sam gave him a quizzical look, and Daniel grinned, reaching into the bag and pulling out two plastic containers. "Dessert," he said. Sam smiled happily, accepting a slice of cheesecake; suddenly glad she had teammates like Teal'c and Daniel looking out for her.
Jack leaned back in his chair, letting the familiar sounds of friendly debate wash over him. This team night had been a good idea. Sam and Daniel were engaged in a quiet, whispered conversation on topics ranging from the plot of the movie to the plausibility of recreating some of the fictitious tech shown on the film that Jack had already forgotten the name to. Daniel had picked it, some cheesy sci-fi flick. Or it least it seemed cheesy to him. But Carter seemed to enjoy it, and perhaps, that was why the archeologist had chosen it, judging by their spirited discussion.
He watched the two covertly, taking care not to be noticed. Sam appeared relaxed, none of the traces of the previous day's ordeal lingering on her features as she occupied herself in quiet, but animated dialogue with Daniel. Teal'c weighed in occasionally with the infrequent opinion, only seeming to spur the younger two on.
Jack stayed silent, pretending interest in the film if anyone looked his way. In reality, he was too distracted to watch the film, and participate in the fast moving discussion the two scientists were holding on the bed. So he watched them, and tried to settle his worries. He knew through a little discreet probing, namely the security camera footage, that Carter had spent the morning with Teal'c, and lunch with Daniel. But when hours had passed, and she'd shown no inclination towards budging on her own from her lab, Jack had quickly organized an impromptu team night. It had been easy enough to persuade the others, and Teal'c had agreed to host.
Sam had also agreed readily, and Jack had been surprised at first. But now, after watching her unwind with her teammates, he realized that she'd needed this time as much as he did. They all did.
SG-1 did.
When Curtis had attacked her the day before, he'd unwittingly struck at the rest of SG-1 as well. In fact, the entire SGC would no doubt rise up in her defense given the opportunity. Jack had a brief, cheerful image of the entire SGC chasing Curtis around the football field. Ah well. Hammond would never go for it anyway. The kid was damn lucky.
Still, letting Curtis go went against every protective grain in his body, but Jack knew, deep down, that Curtis was the way he was because of Seshat. In the grand scheme of things, the boy was just a pawn. But he was useful, and could lead them to his mistress, all unknowingly. Seshat was the big fish they were after. And he knew, from his past, that sometimes, you had to let the little fish go in order to catch the bigger ones.
He still didn't have to like it.
Dropping Sam off on Monday was no doubt going to be one of the hardest things he'd done in his career. But watching her now, watching them, he knew she'd not be alone.
Daniel sat next to her now, his knee sometimes touching her leg, or his fingers brushing against her arm, the contact reminding them both she was whole and safe. The younger man seemed overly conscious of her movements, her moods. Daniel was watching Sam, when he thought she wasn't looking, just as Jack was covertly observing the rest of his team.
Teal'c leaned against the bed that was their usual perch when visiting his quarters. He remained attentive, his posture alert. While he appeared to be watching the movie, Jack knew Teal'c was watchful for threats, but was still keeping track of the conversation going on behind him. It was all as it should be.
Watching them, Jack could finally relax.
They were SG-1, and they would face whatever came, together.
A/N: First of all, I'd like to thank those of you that have sent messages, prompts, and reminders for updates, some of you repeatedly. You all know who you are. You readers are the motivating force that helps keep me going with the story. Although I have no intention of leaving it unfinished. Yes, I know, sometimes, the updates are sporadic, and I can't make promises when the next will be, but I can promise that this story will eventually finish. Once again, I thank each and every one of you for reading, especially those of you that take the time to review and even send little prompts my way.