Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters, however much I'd like to own Edward…mm mmm. Unfortunately all these characters belong to Stephanie Meyer not me.
Genre: Angst/Romance. I'll try and tone down the angst but we'll see how it pans out...
Rating: M for reasons that the later chapters will unfold.
Two weeks had passed and my talent of avoiding being a normal teenager was even starting to impress me. I thought that maybe having regular contact with Edward, through our bi-weekly appointments, would spur me on to striking up an actual conversation with the man outside of our Biology sessions. But seeing as I couldn't handle a tiny conversation when it was just the two of us, alone in my lounge, there was clearly no way I'd have the confidence to talk to him with people all around.
Not to mention the fact that his friends and family were so completely intimidating that they actually started to make me dizzy with their beauty if I looked for too long. And I often looked for too long. Sometimes it was borderline creep staring. I couldn't help it though; my eyes were automatically drawn to him. Though it looked as if I was reading my book in the library or attempting to find something in my bag, I was really covertly looking out for his bronze hair or those green eyes that made my gut wrench.
I had no idea what was wrong with me. Never in my life have I felt connected to anyone, not even Renée. With all the rejection I've faced, I couldn't see the point in trying to feel for someone anymore. So why, when I had such a good history of freezing out my emotions, could I not distance myself from this man? I mean he wasn't anything special. Yes, he was intelligent and he was sporty and I guess unquestionably attractive. But he was a tool, a complete ass, an arrogant douche. I had yet to see any redeeming personal attributes except for the fact that he clearly cared for his sister.
Speaking of…it seemed that they had yet to patch things up. As it appeared I was now Edward's little secret observer (I like to use the word observer instead of stalker because my life is already pitiful enough as it is) I could see that Edward remained distant from his "group". He drove in with Alice everyday but bolted as quickly as possible the minute the car was parked. I always saw him hanging with his football buddies and he acted more like a tool than usual around them. Jasper often looked saddened when Edward just strode right past him as if he didn't exist and if he hadn't been on the football team too, I'm sure those jocks would have hounded him somehow. They liked being at the top of the school's social food chain along with their cheerleader followers and they were happy to push anyone who might accidentally get in their way. They especially liked to taunt me because let's face it, I was an easy target. It was just words though and I hoped to God that that would be the end of it. I could handle a few words here and there but I'd been at schools where bullies had taken it to the next level with me and I really didn't respond well to that.
I had no idea what made Edward tick but I knew that his old group had to have been a better influence on him than those jocks.
I was starting to realise his attitude with me was changing too. He had moved on from the moderately indifferent comments to a more outright rude and hostile approach. On Tuesday I'd tripped over my own feet as I went to fetch a book and almost went flying into Edward. I tried to laugh it off but he just looked at me with such disdain, saying "Are you always this useless or are you making an extra special effort today?" At one point, after I'd quietly commented on something I'd seen in a nature program, he said "It baffles me how into nature you are, despite what it did to you." And that shut me up for the rest of the session. He had a great way of knowing exactly how to hit me where it hurt like he knew exactly how his words would affect me. It was like he was angry for some reason and I was just the right size and demeanour to serve as a punch bag for his verbal bashings.
But I took it. I mean I wasn't much use to anyone in my life but if I could help him vent out his aggression, then I'd let him. How sad is that?
It was a Wednesday today so unfortunately I didn't get to have any one-on-one time with Edward today. It was strange that I still looked forward to it. But it made me feel somewhat normal to have a routine with another human being and we were actually doing pretty well with our project. After doing all the base work and preparation stuff, Edward was going to bring some musical instruments round to mine tomorrow to start on the practical side. The image of him strumming a guitar or playing a piano, was enough to get me through Maths that afternoon.
As I wandered slowly out of class after the bell had rung for the end of school, I saw Edward out the window in the car park, chatting to some of his football mates. The musical image popped into my head again and I couldn't help but smile. Still in a daze, I moved through the thinning crowds to my locker to pick up some books before I could leave. Most people had filtered out by the time I was pulling out my last book but just as I did so, someone slammed my locker shut. I was lucky to have just gotten my hand out the way in time. I looked up from my bag to see a few of the cheerleaders leering at me.
"Oops. Sorry about that. You were close to losing a few fingers there…that would have been a shame," came a sneering response from a tall, blond and very striking cheerleader. The other two giggled behind her in unison. I just looked back down into my bag, shoving my book further inside and willing them to leave me alone. But when I looked back up, they were still there if not closer than before.
"But then again," said the same cheerleader, clearly the director in this little stint, "you don't really need your fingers do you? You don't touch. Your fingers are a waste. You can't stroke boys' hair, you can't massage their backs and you can't even hold their hands. Not like anyone would want to hold your hand anyway, freak."
The words shot at me hard and true. I couldn't avoid them and they were just cutting at my heart. I knew she was right but it always hurt when people pointed out my disability to be a normal girl. What was worse was she was she seemed to be edging closer to me and that made my heart rate pick up a pace as I gulped at the proximity.
"What's wrong, freak? Facing the reality of being alone for the rest of your life? Or wait…am I freaking you out being so close? What are you going to do huh? Run away?" It was like she was taunting me, egging me on. But clearly she had no idea what it was like to be a loner because I could not be egged on to do anything. If anything it was pushing me closer to my locker in what seemed to be my failed attempt to escape. I looked behind the girls to see if anyone would be around to help me if this got ugly. But the looks that I registered were that of pity. As I scanned the faces of the few stragglers in the hallway I knew I was alone. Big shock there!
"I wonder…how far 'til you crack little freak? What if I did this?" she asked as she gently tapped my shoulder with her finger. The two girls behind her giggled again as I gasped quietly. It was a short touch but my heart rate kicked up another gear as my breathing faltered slightly. The head cheerleader got even closer and sneered, "And what about this?" she questioned as she properly poked me.
The panic in my chest was starting to rise. I guess you could say I had these small panic attacks when I was touched. My face cringed as I tried to catch my breath and recover some of my remaining dignity. I looked behind the girls again and instead of pity there was now a curious expression on the faces that had stayed to watch the show. They were clearly interested to see what I would do but I knew I couldn't do anything. The thing with Jessica on my first day was different in the way that I shouted because I wanted to prevent any further touching. But with this…I had no words to say.
The cheerleader also looked around the faces behind her and seeing no objection to her behaviour, she turned at me and with a full force pushed both her hands square into my shoulders so I was forced back into the lockers with a bang. I cried out and dropped everything to the floor. That was a shock pain I wasn't expecting. I looked at the cheerleader as she laughed and re-joined her two followers. As she looked back at me and saw the tears starting to form, she pulled a mock sad face and dramatically turned round to her crowd.
"Aww what a poor freak! Oh please, anyone, please help her get up. Give her a hug. Wipe away her tears. Anyone? No? Oh how sad." She turned back to face me and smirked. "Freak is all alone."
And with that she flicked her hair back, signalled to the other two and strode away. As the crowd saw that the show was over, they too started to disappear. The tears were threatening to drop as I slid down the lockers as my legs could no longer bear my weight. I watched as people walked away and just as the last few were disappearing through the doors I saw that flash of bronze hair I always looked for.
He was leaning on the wall with his arms folded and brows furrowed as he looked at me like I was road kill. The tears finally overcame me. Edward had witnessed my pitiful attack. It didn't shock me that he hadn't said a word when it was all happening. We weren't friends, he definitely didn't like me, and in fact it was shocking that he wasn't behind the cheerleaders encouraging them and beating down on me.
He still continued to stare and I couldn't understand what he was waiting for. I knew I had to get away then. I couldn't stand it when someone saw me cry, not because it showed me to be weak (which of course everyone already knew I was) but because that was too much of an intimate moment to share with someone. I didn't share feelings or emotions with anyone and there was no way I was going to start now. I roughly wiped my face with my sleeve as I gathered up my belongings. I had to leave and I had to leave fast. But as I picked up my bag and brushed my hair from my eyes, I saw the empty hallway in front of me. Edward had already made his exit. Clearly as uncomfortable as I was.
I drove home as quickly as I could. I ignored Charlie's attempts at general chit chat and ran upstairs to the comfort of my room. I didn't cry, I just sunk into my bed and let today's episode replay in my head. There was no use in getting upset about it, that's what I used to do. I used to cry everyday not understanding why people didn't want to be my friend or why I was being treated so horribly. And what came from all that pathetic crying? A lot of wet pillows and unanswered questions, that's what. I chose to be this way therefore I have to take some responsibility for the consequences that occur because of it. I just wished people didn't see my issue with closeness as some sort of a challenge or a fun game. It wasn't fun, it was my life. I could no longer dictate my reactions and it had all just spiralled out of my control!
And now Edward had seen it all happen. I wish he hadn't seen me cry, I don't want any kind of an awkward conversation tomorrow or even further abuse at how weak of a person I was. I could only take so much in one week and if his hostility on Tuesday and contemptuous looks today were anything to go by, tomorrow was going to be painful.
A/N: OK, feel free to yell at me! It's been a ridiculous amount of time since I added to this story. It's not that I don't believe in it, I've just been going through a super busy and quite rough time. But excuses aside, here's the next one. Sorry it's so late but I'd love some reviews…hope it was worth the wait! I've written more but felt that this was a better place to end this chapter. So at least you know there's more to come!