A/N: Chapter two of A New Beginning. I hope you'll bare with me, even though the beginning probably is probably hard to get trough if you've got a McSwarek heart.
Has anyone else noticed that is acting a little weird lately, or is that just me? Reviews are not showing up on the site..
My English might suck a little, it's like a million degrees over here and I can't even type normal in my own language today.. Sorry!
XX
''What are you going to tell him?'' Traci asked. Andy had just told her best friend about what happened between her and Nick. Traci felt really bad for Andy. Obviously she didn't know what she felt anymore.
''I don't know. I don't want to hurt him and I think that going out with him wouldn't be so bad. I mean, I have to start dating again at some point, right?'' Andy was trying to sort out the mess in her head, but so far she wasn't succeeding.
''Casual dating is fine Andy,'' Traci confirmed. ''But not with someone that's already so close to you. Nick and you have become so close over this last few months, don't ruin that.''
''Why does it have to be casual?'' Andy asked. ''I've never really casual dated anybody. Besides, Sam and I broke up nine months ago. It's not like it would be a rebound thing.''
''You might have broken up nine months ago, but you're still not over it. That means it would be a rebound thing.'' Traci was trying to be really patient with Andy, but she frustrated her. She really wanted to protect Andy from the hurt it would have cost if she would lose Nick too, but at the end of the day Andy had to make her own decisions.
''Why can't you just fall in love with the people you choose for yourself?'' Andy asked. ''That would be so much easier. I mean seriously, there has got to be something wrong with me, right? First I fall for a guy that can't be faithful to me and then I fall for a guy that's emotionally unavailable. Now there's a perfect guy that is interested in me and all I feel is friendship.''
''See, you admit it,'' Traci said. ''You only feel friendship for Nick.''
''But it could be more,'' Andy insisted. ''Like I said, on paper he's perfect for me.''
''You can't force love Andy, don't even try it.'' Traci took the coffee mugs from the table and stood up. ''Hook up with random strangers, just don't go and date Nick.''
''I already told him that if we go out, it won't be serious immediately.''
''You told him exactly that?'' Traci asked with a raised eyebrow.
''Well, maybe not exactly that, but he probably got the message.''
''Oh my god Andy. You are helpless,'' Traci said as she shook her head. ''Do something before anybody gets seriously hurt. You know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that, don't do that to someone else.''
''I don't want to talk about me anymore,'' Andy protested. ''How's Leo doing?''
Traci sighed and shook her head. ''It's hard,'' she admitted. ''He's acting out at school and he's quiet when he's home. We had a fight last week and..'' Traci was silent all of the sudden.
''What?'' Andy asked. She noticed the look on her friends face and saw something was wrong. ''What did he say?''
Traci took a deep breath and looked Andy in the eye. ''He said I don't care about him and I'm always working. Then he said that he wanted to live with Dex permanently. He said he wished that I was dead instead of Jerry, because Jerry at least spent time with him.''
''Trace,'' Andy managed to get out. She noticed that Traci's eyes were glistening and she felt incredibly bad for her best friend. ''You know he didn't mean any of that.''
''He wouldn't have said it if he didn't at least think it at one point,'' Traci said when one tear fell down. ''Why does everything have to be so complicated? I just wish I could talk to Jerry, ask him for advice. Let him tell me what to do.''
''I know,'' Andy softly replied. ''Just remember that you are a good mom Trace. Everybody can see that and of course it's hard. For you, but also for Leo. Why don't you take a few days? I'm sure that Frank would understand.''
''I know,'' Traci agreed. ''I just miss Jerry.''
''I know.'' Andy hugged her best friend and let her hide for a moment. ''Everybody misses him. I can't even imagine how hard things must be for you and Leo.''
''I worry about him. I don't know if I should hold on tight or just let him go for a moment. Last week he actually pushed a boy that's three years older than him. We were lucky that that kid wasn't aggressive.'' Traci shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. ''I don't know what to do.''
''I'm sorry Trace.'' Andy felt bad that she had been going on and on about her problems. Her problems were nothing compared to what Traci was going trough. She was sulking about Sam, but at least Sam was alive. At least she got to see him every day and she got to be his friend. ''Is there anything I can do for you?''
''No,'' Traci said after she took a deep breath. ''I have to figure this one out by myself. It will be okay, maybe it's best if he moves in with Dex for a while.''
''You're his mother Traci,'' Andy tried to help. ''He needs you too. If you need some time alone, then it's fine to let him spent some time with Dex, but don't make him feel like you're sending him away. The two of you need each other.''
''I know. Maybe I should take your advice and take the weekend off.'' Traci thought about what she could do with her son. ''He could invite a friend and we could go do something fun.''
''That's good,'' Andy encouraged. ''He probably just misses his mom and he's been through a lot. It's not that weird that he's acting out and asking for some attention.''
''I know,'' Traci agreed. ''Thanks Andy. It helps to talk about it.''
''Of course,'' Andy said without thinking about it. ''I mean it, anytime I can do something for either you or Leo, just name it. Maybe I can hang out with him sometime next week too.''
''I'm sure he would like that,'' Traci smiled weakly and whipped her tears way. ''Now let's go jogging, because we said we would do 7K this morning.''
XX
''Detective Swarek,'' Marlo said as she walked into the D's office and towards Sam's desk a week later. ''You look good this morning.''
Sam had an awful night, so he was pretty sure he did not look good at all. He barely slept for a minute and he really wasn't in the mood to be the fun and attentive boyfriend right now. He just couldn't do it. ''Hey,'' he said.
''Something wrong?'' Marlo asked. ''Have you been working all night?''
''No,'' Sam answered. ''Just got a major headache, that's all. Didn't sleep at all. Just got here an hour ago and since then I've been staring at this paper and I didn't get any work done yet.''
Marlo took place behind Sam's chair. She put her hands on his shoulders and started to massage his neck and shoulders with her hands. Sam closed his eyes and hated how annoyed he was. He didn't know what it was, but lately everything annoyed him.
''How about you come to my place after shift?'' Marlo asked as she leaned forward. Her mouth was just next to Sam's ear. ''I'll cook for you and then you can get the extended version of this. I'll make it worth your time.''
Sam took a deep breath and shook his head. ''Not tonight,'' he said. ''I'm just going to go straight home and sleep. Probably won't be such good company anyway.''
''I don't care,'' Marlo tried. ''I like taking care of you. Maybe I can even dig up a nurse uniform somewhere.''
''I said not tonight,'' Sam said a little more firmly. When he turned around and saw the expression on Marlo's face he turned around. ''I'm sorry,'' he tried. ''I just really have a major headache. It's better if I go home and sleep.''
''Yeah, sure.'' Marlo softly said. ''Are you sure we're okay? You've been a little absent lately.''
''Like I said, lack of sleep. Sorry that it makes me such an ass.'' Sam turned around again and tried to focus on the file that was right in front of him. ''I really need to get back to work.''
Marlo nodded and leaned forward to kiss Sam on the cheek. ''Okay, I'll see you later. Call me if you'll change your mind, okay?''
''Sure,'' Sam said, even though he knew very well that he wasn't going to be changing his mind anytime soon. He really hated how he was acting, but he didn't know what he wanted anymore.
He had seen Andy around the station with Collins. When they returned from the task force it seemed like they were just friends, but now Sam wasn't so sure anymore. The thought of Andy with anybody else pissed him off, even though he had absolutely no right to be mad about it.
He still felt an attraction towards her, but he knew he couldn't act on it. Despite of what Oliver said, he knew they weren't good together. When he was with her he was a mess. He didn't know how to be with her. His feelings for her were suffocating.
He tried to make it work, but when Jerry died he realised that one day he could lose her. And if that had to be so, he'd rather be the one that called that shot. So he let her go, he set her free.
It seemed like the right decision at the time, but weeks later he realised that even if he let her go, he wouldn't magically stop loving her.
He told her he loved her, he told her that he wanted her back. She didn't feel the same way. No matter what she told him later, if she had felt the same way he felt about her, she wouldn't have walked away.
Yet she walked away again.
The first time she left him, he got it. She was with Luke and only came to him for comfort. It had hurt, but he could understand why she had done it. The second time she left him was a little harder to get over. He had been kidnapped and tortured by a psycho criminal. He needed her that time. Of course he was to proud to tell her that, so when she texted him that she was leaving town he let her go.
When she got back he had trouble letting her back in. Everything in his body wanted to be with her, but for his own protection he kept her at a arms length. And with good right, because she left him for a third time.
Sam knew he had to make peace with the fact that Andy McNally and he would never be on the same page. They could try all they could, but they had to stop hurting each other.
He had Marlo now and that was what it was.
Andy McNally was in the past.
XX
Andy was just getting ready for shift when Marlo entered the locker room. ''McNally.'' Marlo nodded at Andy and opened her locker.
''Hey,'' Andy said. She knew that Marlo would be back at work today, but that did not mean that she had to like it. She didn't have to like it at all. Andy actually found it easier to work without Marlo there. Without Marlo there Andy could pretend that Sam wasn't with someone new and that actually worked really well for her.
''Ready to be back?'' Andy asked. She knew how hard it was to return after a shooting. And even though she didn't like Marlo, she didn't wish that feeling on anybody.
''What?'' Marlo asked as she turned around again. ''Oh, yeah. I did what I had to do, I'm good. Do you know if that woman made it?''
Andy barely believed her own ears. She wasn't even the one that fired the shots, but she did call to ask if the woman was going to be okay. Apparently Marlo wasn't the same type of cop as Andy wanted to be. ''She's going to be okay,'' Andy said. ''All though you could've called the hospital to ask that for yourself.''
''I was busy McNally. If that woman didn't want to get shot, she shouldn't have tried to attack a cop.'' Marlo opened her notebook and pulled out a piece of paper. She smiled when she hung it on the inside of her locker. When Andy looked up she felt like someone punched her in the face. On the inside of Marlo's locker was a picture of Marlo and Sam. And they looked happy. Very happy.
Andy quietly finished getting ready and walked towards the parade room. She sat down next to Dov and smiled weakly when he asked her how she was doing.
''Hey,'' Nick's voice pulled her from her thoughts. ''Long time no see.''
They had actually not seen each other for only a week, but for the two of them that was a long time now. For six months all they could trust was each other. That brought the two of them close together.
''Yeah, we worked opposite shifts,'' Andy said. ''I saw that you called this morning, but I had plans with Traci and figured I would see you here.''
''Wanted to see if you needed a ride,'' Nick explained. ''Sure you're okay? You look a little pale.''
''Fine, we wanted to do 7K this morning, but I did 8. Maybe I pushed it too hard.''
''Gotta build it up McNally,'' Nick advised. ''Your body is used to only 5, so don't overdo it. We could start running again in the mornings if you want?''
Andy smiled at him and realised that Traci was absolutely right. She knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of a broken heart and she really didn't want to do that to Nick. He meant to much to her and she really cared for him. ''I was talking to Traci about maybe stop running and going to the gym to do some boxing. My arms could use some training.''
''I can help you with that,'' Nick said. ''Before I went to Afghanistan I used to spar all the time.''
Andy was thankful when Frank started with handing out assignments. She really didn't know how to deal with Nick right now.
When shift ended Andy quickly changed back into her civvies and weakly smiled at Nick when she walked out of the locker room and saw that he was waiting for her. ''Need a ride to the Penny?'' he asked.
''Actually, I think I'm just going to walk home. I'm exhausted.'' Andy wasn't lying, she was completely spent.
''You sure that you can handle working out before shift?'' Nick teased. ''Looks like you have some trouble keeping it together partner.''
''Shut up,'' Andy laughed and shook her head. ''Just didn't sleep so great.''
''I'll drive you home,'' Nick offered.
Andy shook her head and looked at Nick. ''It's okay. The fresh air will do me good.''
''Are you avoiding me?'' Nick asked.
''What?'' Andy's head snapped up and she shook her head. ''No, of course not.''
''Because it feels like you are. I thought we agreed to not let last week get between us?'' Nick said. Andy could hear the hurt in his voice and felt guilty. ''I told you that I was sorry if I crossed a line.''
''Nick,'' Andy started. ''I don't blame you for anything, I already told you that. I was the one that initiated it and you tried to stop me.'' Andy took a deep breath and shook her head. ''I'm just not sure about the part we agreed on after that?''
''What?'' Nick asked.
''About that date?'' Andy softly said. ''I'm sorry Nick. You know that I care about you so much and you're one of my best friends, but I don't want you to be a rebound. You deserve so much better than that.''
''I sort of figured that,'' Nick replied. ''When you weren't answering my phone calls and all.''
''Okay,'' Andy said as she lifted a finger and pointed it at Nick. ''That was one phone call and I told you that I was with Traci.''
''No, sure,'' Nick joked. ''Way to let a guy down Andy.''
''Stop it,'' Andy said as she smiled. ''You're such a nerd.''
Nick laughed and shook his head. ''We good?'' he asked softly.
''Yeah,'' Andy said. ''We're good.''
Nick nodded towards his truck and held the keys out. ''So, home? Or were you trying to ditch me to avoid the awkward conversation?''
Andy grabbed Nick's keys and walked towards his truck. ''No, home indeed,'' she said. ''I'm beat.''
''Weak,'' Nick yelled out. ''I actually think I own it to my fellow citizens of Toronto to give you some personal training. Their streets really aren't that much safer if the cops can't even run 7K and then work a shift. It really wasn't even a busy shift. You're getting old Andy.''
''It was 8 kilometer,'' Andy defended herself. ''And I had trouble sleeping last night, so I was not in top shape. And I really don't think personal training sessions with you will do me any good. I mean, I did outrun you every single time we ran together.''
''I let you win, you're a girl,'' Nick teased. ''But I gotta say, I am flattered that you had a difficult time sleeping because you were so excited to see me.''
Andy sighed and rolled her eyes. ''And here I was worrying about bruising your ego.''
Nick laughed and watched Andy put the truck in drive. They made small talk and laughed when they were on the way to Andy's apartment. When she put the truck in park again, Andy leaned back into her seat and looked at Nick. ''We really are okay, right?'' she asked one more time.
''Yes Andy,'' Nick promised. ''We're good. I get it.''
''Thanks Nick,'' Andy said as she unbuckled and got out of the truck. When they met in front of the truck Andy gave Nick a small hug. ''You really are the best.''
Nick returned the hug and pressed a friendly kiss on Andy's hairline. ''Sleep tight Andy.''
XX
Nick walked into the Penny and sat down on one of the barstools. He glanced around and saw that Dov was sharing a table with Chloe. Marlo was sitting alone at the other side of the bar and there wasn't anybody else that he knew.
Nick decided to have a quick drink and then head home too. He was a little disappointed about Andy's decision, but it wasn't like he didn't see it coming. At least she was honest with him. Nick knew that she would get over Swarek eventually and then maybe she would see that they could be good together.
The next day Nick was partnered with Gail. He sighed and headed towards the cruiser. It's not like they broke up on really bad terms. Gail said she didn't trust him anymore. Plus she was fairly certain he was falling for someone else, something he denied.
''Collins,'' Gail said. ''Step it up, will you? Bad guys out there that need to be caught.''
The first ten minutes they drove in complete silence. It was Gail that broke the silence. ''I think it's better if I warn you now,'' she said. ''Andy. Still in love with Swarek. Always has been, probably always will be.''
''Thanks Gail.'' Nick sarcastically said. ''How's your girlfriend?''
''Touchy subject?'' Gail asked. ''She's not my girlfriend.''
''Friend with benefits then?'' Nick said annoyed. ''Whatever you call it these days.''
''Just trying to warn you Nick,'' Gail said a little more serious. ''This thing between Cruz and Swarek is also just a joke. He still gives Andy sad puppy eyes whenever he thinks nobody is looking. It's kind of pathetic actually.''
''Maybe you should focus on yourself instead of other people, Gail.'' Nick took a breath and looked to the side. ''Or focus on work, that would work too.''
''I would just hate to see you get hurt,'' Gail said in her sweetest voice.
''Actually, I think that you would love to see that,'' Nick replied. ''But thanks for your concern, I'm good.''
''Still pretending to not have feelings for Andy?'' Gail asked. ''Not really doing a convincing job, but anyway..''
Nick faced Gail and shook his head. ''Does it bother or something?'' Nick asked. ''You seem to be a little jealous.''
''Please,'' Gail responded. ''You can do whatever you want. I believe that I was the one that broke up with you, not the other way around.''
''So you would be fine with it?'' Nick asked. ''It wouldn't bother you one bit if Andy and I would be dating?''
''Go for it,'' Gail said. ''But I can guarantee you that you are the one that gets hurt in the end.''
XX
Sam parked his truck and walked towards the store in front of him. It was a hot day and he was very early for work. He decided to buy a drink before work, seeing how everything the machine at the station had to offer wasn't quite his taste.
Just as he was about to enter the shop, Andy walked out with a smoothie in hand. ''Sorry,'' she said as she bumped into him. ''Oh, hey,'' she quickly said. ''Sorry, didn't see it was you.''
''That's okay,'' Sam quickly said. ''What are you doing here? Isn't it a bit early for you?''
''I was supposed to work out with Traci, but she cancelled on me last minute. So I figured I'd buy a drink and take my time getting ready.''
''It will be refreshing from having to rush into parade with thirty seconds to spare,'' Sam joked.
''Hey,'' Andy warned. ''I have gotten better. Since I've been back I haven't been late once. Actually don't even have to set an alarm clock, because I'm always awake at 5:00.''
''You doing okay?'' Sam asked with concern in his voice.
''Yeah, you know.. Just a little trouble getting back into a normal rhythm. When we were undercover we were mostly living during the night and sleeping during the day. It's just weird to switch back.'' Andy wasn't really concerned about it. It just felt like a long jetlag.
''You're talking to someone, right?'' Sam asked. He knew it was mandatory to see the shrink once or twice after you came back from an undercover operation.
Andy shrugged her shoulders and turned red when she remembered her last appointment. She had said very little about her job, but she had said a lot about the man standing in front of her. ''Yeah, you know the drill,'' she quickly said. ''Talk things through, making sure my head is in the right place.''
''You'll get there,'' Sam said. ''It just takes time to adjust to your old life. Is Collins having trouble sleeping too?'' Sam actually really didn't want to know if Andy was aware of Nick's sleeping patterns, but the question was out of his mouth before he could stop himself.
''Ugh,'' Andy said. ''Nick doesn't sleep ever. Even when I slept like five hours a night he was awake when I went to bed and awake when I woke up.''
''Maybe because you sleep like the dead,'' Sam teased.
''Well, not anymore. Don't think you know me mister. There's a lot that changed about me.''
Sam knew that was true. He had seen the tattoo on her ribs. Couldn't get it out of his mind actually. Wondered what it said and what it meant to Andy. He wondered why she got it in the first place. He mostly wondered what it would look like from up close.
''Yeah I guess,'' he said. ''A lot of things have changed,'' he said without even thinking about it.
''Yeah. Who would've thought that you would join the suits?'' Andy said. ''Looks like I don't know you that well either, because that was about the last thing I expected to come back to. And you not drinking coffee anymore, it's weird.''
''If you don't know me, I don't know who does.'' Sam shook his head and squinted his eyes together. He knew that she knew more about him than anybody else. Even if he never gave away that much about himself, he knew she figured out a lot on her own.
''Maybe your girlfriend?'' Andy said. She raised an eyebrow and looked a little hurt actually.
''No,'' Sam said without even thinking about it. When he realised he had actually said that out loud he swallowed. ''I mean, she doesn't know how I used to take my coffee.''
''Right,'' Andy said slightly confused. ''I'm going to go.''
''Need a ride?'' Sam asked like he had done a million times before.
''No, the weather is too nice to waste. Bye Sam.''
''Bye McNally.'' Sam watched her walk away again. He got really sick of doing that...
XX
A/N: Please review, they motivate me to keep on writing and I love reading your critics, good and bad.