Sorry for the long wait! Since I'm combining work with school I have so little free time!
I'll try to make an update again as soon as I can.
XX
Three nights later Andy walked into the Penny and looked around the bar. There weren't a lot of people she recognised. She figured that was a good thing. She smiled a little when she saw Sam sitting at the bar. He was looking at his glass and looked nervous too.
Slowly Andy made her way towards him and sat down on the barstool next to him. ''Hey,'' she softly said. ''You're here already.''
''Of course,'' Sam said as he gave her a quick look over. ''How was your day?''
''Pretty slow,'' Andy answered. ''Nothing too serious.'' Silence washed over them for a moment and Andy looked down at her hands. ''Which was good you know. For a change.''
When Liam made his way towards them, Sam quickly ordered a drink for Andy. He then turned to Andy. ''I'm glad you made it,'' he said sincerely. ''I wasn't sure you would.'' When Sam reached the Penny that night it felt all too familiar. Not that long ago he was in the same position. That night she didn't show.
''I'm nervous,'' Andy said. ''I know that might be a stupid thing to say, but I am and I already said it.''
''It's just me Andy,'' Sam tried to reason. He knew that it wasn't that simple. If he was completely honest with himself he had to admit that he was nervous too. The fact that it was Andy sitting next to him didn't make it easier, it made things worse. Because it felt like this was the absolute last chance to work things out.
Andy nodded and quickly took a sip of her drink when Liam placed it in front of her. ''How was your day?'' she asked.
''Helped Oliver move,'' Sam answered. ''He found an apartment, so he moved out of my place.''
''That was quick,'' Andy said. ''Good for him though.''
Sam nodded. ''Yeah, especially with the kids and everything it's best to get things settled as quick as possible. I told him that he could have them over at my place, but he didn't want that.''
''I can understand that.'' Andy became silent again and looked around the bar. She wished they would have gone to a different place, but it was too late for that now. She had worked the day shift and Sam had the day off. Because of the location of the Penny it really was the easiest option for her after work. She wasn't really digging the fact that her colleagues could show up any minute though.
They sat together in silence. Sam was tapping his fingers against his glass while Andy nervously played with her earring. ''I would have come that night,'' she said after a moment. When Sam looked up at her she shrugged. ''That night, I would have come.''
''But you didn't,'' Sam told her after a second.
''I know,'' Andy said. ''Luke offered me a spot on the task force. I had literary five minutes before I had to leave. I couldn't tell anybody and I couldn't turn the spot down.''
''Why not?'' Sam wondered. That was the question that was stuck in his head for months now. The only reason he could come up with was that she didn't want to stay. She didn't accept his apology and decided that she was done with him for good. She walked away from him.
''You know how those things work,'' Andy reasoned. ''It's always kept in the dark for a little.''
''I mean, why couldn't you turn the spot down?'' Sam asked. ''If you wanted to come meet me, why didn't you tell Luke you couldn't go?''
Andy turned her head so she wasn't facing Sam anymore. ''I practically begged Luke for a spot on that taskforce. I couldn't turn it down just because of you.''
''I see.'' Sam took another sip and placed his glass on the bar.
Andy noticed the change in his attitude and faced him again. ''I didn't know if I could believe you,'' she explained. ''You told me all of those things, but it was basically the complete opposite from everything you had been signalling to me the weeks before.''
''I was a mess Andy,'' Sam tried to defend himself. ''I didn't know how to deal with everything.''
''I know that,'' Andy told him. ''I know that,'' she repeated a little more softly. ''Look, I can't do this here, okay?''
A sad chuckle escaped Sam's mouth. ''You really make a habit out of walking away, huh?'' he wondered.
All of the sudden Andy was getting angry. ''I mean that I don't want to discuss this in a bar where our friends and colleagues can walk in any moment.'' She let out a deep breath and shook her head. ''Can we just get out of here?''
Sam scolded himself for jumping to conclusions. ''Of course.'' He quickly threw some bills on the bar to pay for their drinks. Together they made their way outside and towards Sam's truck. When they were inside of the truck Sam waited for a moment. ''Where do you want to go?''
''I don't know.'' Andy shrugged. ''Maybe a public place isn't the best option.''
''Your place?'' Sam asked.
''If that's okay with you.''
Sam was already starting the truck before Andy finished her sentence. The ride to her place was filled with an uncomfortable silence. Ten minutes later Sam parked the truck at Andy's condo and made his way outside.
When they were inside of the apartment Andy handed Sam a beer and sat down on the chair opposite from the couch that Sam was sitting on.
Silence was still filling the room, both unwilling to finish the argument they started at the Penny. Both unsure how to work their way out of the mess they had created in a year.
''I didn't trust you,'' Andy started. ''When you told me that you loved me and that you were willing to do anything, I didn't trust you to actually do that. It felt like a heat of the moment thing, even when you said it wasn't.''
''It wasn't,'' Sam insisted again. ''But you didn't give me the chance to make you see, you left.''
''You broke up with me Sam.'' Andy raised her voice and threw her hands up in the air. ''You left me too.''
''I already tried to explain that to you. I know I was stupid and that it was a mistake, but I can't take it back. After that day I didn't know what to do with myself and I didn't know how to deal with you.'' Sam took a deep breath. He was getting worked up and he knew he had to keep himself under control if they wanted to get anywhere. Storming out mad wouldn't do them any good.
''You didn't know how to deal with me?'' Andy asked. ''What does that even mean?''
''You wanted me to talk. You wanted to know what I was feeling and I couldn't tell you. I'm not used to sharing and you were in my face all day long.''
''I was worried about you,'' Andy shouted. ''If you needed space, then you could have asked for that. I would have given it to you. I would've hated it, but I would have tried to give you the time you needed. You didn't have to dump me in the parking lot of a bar while it was pouring rain.''
Sam winced a little when she pointed out how big of an ass he had been. The way he left her behind crying was something that he hated more than anything. ''That was a mistake,'' he admitted. ''But at that time I thought it was best for you.''
''Don't,'' Andy immediately said. ''Don't act like you did it for my wellbeing or whatever. You don't get to pull that card.''
''I didn't want to burden you with all the crap I was going through.'' Sam was trying to make Andy see that he never meant to hurt her, but somehow things weren't going very smoothly.
The mood in the room was dark and tensed. Both were thinking about what the other did to them.
''I don't want to compare what you were going through to what I was going through, but I was struggling too Sam,'' Andy tried. ''My best friends fiancée died.'' Andy paused for a second and looked at Sam. ''At that time you were my boyfriend and your best friend died. I felt like I had to split myself in two. I admit that I handled things badly..''
''You did what you thought was right and so did I,'' was Sam's conclusion as he closed his eyes.
''How did you figure that walking away was the right thing to do?'' Andy asked. She looked at the ground and wrapped an arm around herself.
Sam looked at Andy as he clenched his jaw. ''I guess I can ask you the same question.''
''So that's what it's coming down to?'' Andy looked up to look Sam in the eye. ''Who hurt who more by leaving?''
Silence washed over the room once again while both thought about what was next. They weren't really going anywhere, they could both see that too.
''When I came back I thought that you would be waiting for me. I know that that was stupid, but after what you told me it was what I was counting on. Even if I wouldn't admit it to anyone.'' Andy smiled sadly and rubbed her hands over her legs. ''I didn't expect things to get better magically, but I did think we would at least try to work things out. Talk about things, really talk about things.''
Sam finally looked up again too and met Andy's eyes. ''I took you leaving as a sign that you were done.''
''We suck at communicating,'' Andy said.
''We do,'' Sam agreed. ''So what now?''
Andy shrugged and took in a deep breath. ''I don't know.'' She covered her eyes with her hands and let herself fall back against her chair. ''I am so tired,'' she admitted. She let the tiredness take over for a moment before sitting up again. ''Did you love her?''
Sam's head snapped up and he swallowed. It took him a few moments before he knew what to say. ''No.'' He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. ''I care about her, but I never loved her. Marlo was just a distraction Andy. I know it wasn't fair to her, but I didn't realise it myself until it was too late.''
A tear escaped from Andy's eye. She quickly whipped it away, but her voice broke down anyway when she spoke up again. ''Why were you flaunting her around like that?'' When Sam gave her a puzzled look she explained further. ''Everywhere I looked I saw you with her. Kissing at the barn, arms wrapped around each other.'' Another tear fell.
''Andy it wasn't like that.''
''When we were together you wanted to be professional. Even in the Penny you hardly ever touched me.'' Andy couldn't help but feel insecure after watching Sam in another relationship. He had looked comfortable with Marlo. More comfortable than with her.
''Andy,'' Sam said as he shook his head. ''It wasn't like that, I promise.''
''Then why?'' Andy questioned. ''I figured you just had something against public display of affection or something, but with her it was like the complete opposite.''
Within no time Sam was off the couch and crouched down in front of Andy. He had one hand on her knee, he used his other hand to search for hers. ''I was trying to prove to everyone that I was over you. I was an ass, but that's what it was.''
''But why?'' Andy asked again. ''I don't understand why you were with her if it didn't mean anything. It lasted for months Sam, that's not some kind of fling.''
Sam closed his eyes and stood up. ''Because I told myself that I couldn't be with you. And being with Marlo prevented me from working things out with you.''
''You make no sense to me,'' Andy said.
''You want to know the truth Andy?'' Sam asked as he was pacing her living room floor. ''I was sure that one day you would wake up and decide that you wanted someone else. Someone more stable, someone less complicated.''
''What do you mean?'' Andy stood up too and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
''You want to talk about leaving Andy?'' Sam wondered. ''How about when you left for three months after I get tortured by a psychopath?''
''I did that for you!'' Andy yelled. ''If I wouldn't have left we would have both lost our jobs. What way is that to start a relationship? We would have ended up hating each other.''
Sam laughed sarcastically. ''They were never going to fire us. I tried to tell you that, but instead of listening to me you run off to Temagami.''
''I called you, I explained my decision to you.'' Andy swallowed and walked around the room. ''You may not agree with my decision, but I did it and I can't change it.''
Sam sighed and shook his head. ''There's no point in fighting about things from the past.''
''You never wanted to talk anyway, huh?'' Andy said while she crossed her arms in front of her chest. Sam was right, there was no point in fighting about things from the past. But while they were going at it, there were a few other things that she would like to clarify.
''What is that supposed to mean?'' Sam asked.
''When did we ever talk?'' Andy wondered. ''You never told me anything about yourself. You couldn't even tell me how you felt about me during the entire year we were together.''
Sam closed his eyes. He knew he didn't treat her the way she deserved. ''Andy, I..'' he started.
''And then I come back and I see you with someone else and you look happy. And you didn't seem to mind showing people that you were happy.''
''I wasn't happy,'' Sam stated. ''I was trying to be. I was telling myself that I was, but I wasn't.''
At that moment Andy decided it was now or never. She had to know where things were heading. If things were heading anywhere. ''Were you happy when we were together?'' she questioned.
Sam took a moment to make sure that Andy was looking him straight in the eyes. ''I was struggling with a lot of stuff. I didn't know how to let you in, but I was happy.''
''How?'' Andy wondered. She didn't think it was possible to be happy when you can't even share your feelings with the person you're with.
''Because I was with you,'' Sam simply said. He closed his eyes and sat down on the couch again. ''We never really talked about this.'' He swallowed. ''I knew I wanted you long before you showed up at the Alphine.''
''When?''
''Night of the blackout. Possibly before that, but the night of the blackout was definitely an eye opener.''
''You never said anything?'' Andy was still standing. She felt a little uncomfortable looking down on Sam like that, so she decided to sit down as well.
''You knew,'' Sam shot back. ''We may have never talked about it, but you knew we were never just partners.''
Andy didn't answer him. He was right though. She always avoided the conversation about what was going on between them. At first she was with Luke and she decided that she was going to be happy with him. After the blackout she wanted to talk, but Sam shot her down and she never made a true effort to change his mind. After that both of them became really good at avoiding the talk. Sam wanted Andy to be happy and thought that Luke was what she wanted. Andy thought that Sam would never settle and decided that Luke would be able to give her a stable life.
''I guess so,'' Andy answered. ''But why did you never try to talk to me?''
''You were with Callaghan Andy,'' Sam sighed out. ''I might colour outside the lines every now and then, but I'm not a home wrecker.''
''I know,'' Andy softly agreed. ''I'm sorry.''
''We both made mistakes.''
''We did.'' Andy whipped away another tear that felt down. She hated the fact that the whole breakup still got to her this much. She was always one to bounce back quickly after heartbreak, but not this time.
''Don't cry,'' Sam pleaded. He sat down on the arm of Andy's chair. He gently pulled her towards him and put his arms around her. Andy was reluctant for a second, but when she gave in it was like coming home. Being in his arms again felt wonderful. Sam pressed a kiss to the top of her hair and took in her sent. He missed her more than he could say. ''I'm sorry for being such an ass.''
''I'm sorry I left,'' Andy sadly said.
They sat together like that for a few moments. When they broke apart Sam stood up and sat down on Andy's coffee table. He took her hands in his and rubbed his thumb across her knuckles. ''What do you want to do now?'' he asked.
''I want to stop feeling like this,'' Andy answered. ''I want you and I want to stop wanting you.''
''Give me one chance,'' Sam begged. ''One chance and I'll make you see that we are good together.''
''How?'' Andy's voice broke and took in a deep breath to get some control. ''What will change? What's going to be different then last time Sam?''
''We'll talk,'' Sam started off. ''It's not going to be easy, but we'll talk. I'll show you that I love you. That means I'm going to take care of you and do everything I promised you all those months ago.''
''You don't have to do everything,'' Andy softly said. ''That's not the kind of relationship I want.''
Sam nodded and squeezed her hand. ''What do you want?''
''I want to wake up with you and not wonder how long it will take for you to run off. I want to stop wondering what's going on inside your head. I want to be with you. It doesn't matter if you're in a good or bad place. I just want to be with you.''
''Do you still love me?'' Sam asked. He knew that her answer would determine the rest of their conversation, but he needed to know.
Andy looked at him. Her eyes were glistening with tears, her hair was a mess and she looked exhausted. She softly bit down on her bottom lip and nodded. ''I love you.''
''Then we can make this work.'' Sam tried not to sigh with relief when she spoke those three little words again. He missed hearing those words. She was the only one to ever say them to him without hesitation. She was the only one who ever told him those three little words without expecting anything back.
Andy thought about everything that happened in the past few months. She thought about how she felt the moment Sam told her he couldn't be with her. She knew that she wouldn't be able to handle another disappointment with him. She also knew that he was the one for her. She owed it to herself to try with him. ''How do we start?''
Sam couldn't help but smile for a second. He knew they still had a long road to go, but at least he had another chance with her. ''You say you want to know me,'' Sam said. ''What do you want to know?''
Surprise filled Andy's eyes. She hadn't expected for him to give her that question. ''A lot of things,'' Andy said. ''I want to know what you were like as a child, I want to know about your family and why you decided to go undercover all the time.'' Andy took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling. ''I want to know what it is about BLT that you love so much. I want to know why you're such a surprisingly big neat freak. I want to know what you're afraid of and what you want out of life. Basically there are a lot of things I want to know.''
''That are a lot of things,'' Sam agreed. He took a moment to think about it. ''Okay. As a kid I guess I was pretty quiet. Never gave away much about myself. Didn't have many friends, but didn't get bullied either.'' Sam swallowed and smiled sadly. ''I told you JD met his dad in jail. That was my story. I was six when he got out. At first I was excited, but soon I realised I had been better off without him.''
''Sam,'' Andy whispered. ''You don't have to do all of this now.''
''I do,'' Sam answered. ''I do.'' He took another breath. ''You asked what I was afraid off. I'm not afraid of a lot of things, but I don't like tool sheds. Wouldn't go as far as being afraid of them, but I do hate them.''
''Why?'' Andy asked when she realised he needed her to talk for a moment.
''When I was six, my dad locked me into the tool shed over night because I broke his hockey stick. When I was ten he made me sleep in there for a week because I didn't mown the lawn. I forgot.. By the time I was sixteen I was screwing up just so I wouldn't have to sleep under the same roof as that guy.''
Andy knew Sam didn't want her sympathy. He just wanted her to know. He wanted to open up to her even if it was incredibly hard for him to do. ''What did you do?'' Andy asked.
''Lots of stuff,'' Sam answered. ''Nothing too big, but it could have gotten me in trouble. My old T.O. was actually the one that gave me a clean slate. I went to the academy because of him.''
Andy nodded and squeezed Sam's hand. ''Thanks for telling me that. I know I said I want to know things about you, but only on your terms.''
''I want you to know me,'' Sam immediately said. ''It's not going to be done overnight, but I'll try.''
A faint smile formed on Andy's lips. ''Thank you,'' she said again.
''I know I screwed up after..'' Sam shook his head. ''I never should have left you. I shouldn't have tried to move on with Marlo.'' Sam inched a little closer and made sure that Andy was looking at him very closely. ''It will be different, I promise.''
''It's not all on you.'' Andy thought back to the way they started. It felt right, but it wasn't. ''I shouldn't have left during the suspension. At least not without talking about it with you in person. I still believe that I was protecting our careers, but I went about it the wrong way.''
''We both made some mistakes.''
''Maybe the way we got together was a sign for trouble.'' Andy leaned backwards and sighed. ''I think I spent the biggest part of my suspension thinking about how stupid I had been. You could have been killed that night Sam.''
''I know, but you had my back.''
''We were so irresponsible.'' Andy could still recall the way she felt when she was sitting in that cruiser outside of Brennan's property. She was so scared that Sam was badly hurt. It would have been her fault and she would have never recovered from that.
Sam leaned back too and stood up. ''That was on me Andy. I was the one that was on the job and I was the senior officer. I shouldn't have let you come to my apartment, but I couldn't help myself.''
Sam felt restless and sat down again. ''But it wasn't you that got me made, that was Boyd.''
Andy stayed silent and closed her eyes. ''We keep talking about how we messed up. What are the chances we won't let that happen again?''
''We know what's at stake now.'' Sam placed his hands back on Andy's knees and slowly rubbed his thumb around in circles. ''I know I don't want to feel the way I have felt for the last few months anymore.''
''Me neither,'' Andy agreed. She looked at the floor and turned her gaze back to Sam's eyes again. ''I want to try, but I'm scared.''
''That's what makes it fun, right?'' Sam tried.
Finally Andy made her decision. The fact that Sam still knew what he told her three and a half years ago made her see that he never forgot. He always remembered things that were important to her. He was what she wanted and she owed it to both of them to try again.
She smiled and nodded. ''It is.'' Andy moved forwards and cupped Sam's cheek. ''I've missed you,'' she confessed as she leaned in and softly pressed their lips together. When they broke apart she ran her finger across his eyebrow. ''Really missed you.''
Sam didn't waste any time and quickly leaned in for another kiss. The kiss intensified quickly, but Andy broke it off before things could get really heated. ''I want to take it slow,'' she said. ''I need to take this slow.''
''Okay,'' Sam answered. ''Whatever you want.''
Andy let out a nervous sigh. She didn't think that Sam would pressure her into anything, but telling a guy you want to take things slow probably isn't what he wished to hear. ''Sorry,'' she quickly added.
''Hey,'' Sam warned. He nudged her nose with his and gave her a sweet kiss again. ''Don't apologize for that.''
''It's probably not what you hoped for,'' Andy said while she was biting her bottom lip.
''Is that what you think?'' Sam asked. ''That having sex is all I care about?''
''Of course not,'' Andy tried.
''I want to be with you,'' Sam said. ''And if you want to take things slow than we'll do that. You'll set the pace.''
''Okay,'' Andy softly said. She smiled widely and kissed Sam again. Just because she could. Just because he was there.
''Go out with me,'' Sam asked. ''Let me take you to dinner.''
''I thought you said you were going to make me dinner?'' Andy teased.
Sam grinned as he stood up and grabbed the keys to his truck. ''Then I guess I have some groceries to do.''
Andy quickly stood up too and grabbed Sam's arm. ''I was kidding, kidding.''
''No McNally. I think it's time I'm going to live up to my promises.''
Andy couldn't do anything but smile as she watched Sam move through her apartment.
''Hey, Andy?'' Sam asked just as he was about to leave. ''I'll take out your garbage too after I'm done.''
XX
I know, long chapter! I had no idea where to cut it off...
Please review.