It's been a year since Rayna walked away from me again. I could see the battle that was raging inside of her as she tried to figure out what to do. I could see the heart broken look on her face when she turned away from me and walked away. For the first month after she left I was angry, I mean I got sober and still that wasn't good enough for her. After that month I realized that she might be scared that if we got back together I would relapse. So my anger that I held soon turned into sadness and despair. I thought that I may never be good enough for her again because of what I put her through. There will never be a day that goes by that I won't hate myself for breaking my promise to never hurt her like so many others did.
When I heard that Rayna will be in Nashville for one night to sing for a fundraiser to help with music programs in school I knew I had to go. Some may call me masochistic because I knew seeing her and seeing her perform without me will hurt me but I figured that it couldn't hurt as much as not seeing her has. All to soon or not soon enough; depending on how I looked at it the music program fundraiser concert was here and I was getting ready to see Rayna perform.
When I got to the auditorium a part of me wanted to run away because I haven't even seen Rayna yet and already my heart was breaking. But I also realized that if I left now I would regret it for years to come. I tuned out the entire first part of the concert not caring who was singing or what they sang, I was only interested in seeing Rayna sing. So while I was sitting there waiting I let all the memories of us come to the front of my mind, the good and even the bad ones.
If I had to pick my favorite memory of us was after we had been dating for three months and I knew that she was the love of my life but I was to afraid of telling her that. I had been skating around with telling her for about two weeks and every time I tried to tell her I would end up chickening out. So that night we were at The Bluebird and I told myself that tonight I will tell her my feelings no matter what. The night progressed and I still couldn't find the courage to tell her when I heard the final call for open mic night. When I heard that I knew just what to do, if I couldn't say it I could sing it. Besides I was always better at singing than I was at talking especially if it involved any emotions.
So I walked on stage, picked up a guitar, looked at Rayna who you could tell was very confused, and then I addressed the crowd. " Hey y'all, so there's been somethin' that I have been wantin' to tell my girlfriend; Miss Rayna James for awhile now and every time I try I would end up chickenin' out. So I thought I would just sing it instead. This is for you Ray." Once I had finished talking I started to play To Make You Feel My Love by Garth Brooks.
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
Mmmmm...
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
you ain't see nothin' like me yet
There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do,
go to the ends of the earth for you,
make you happy, make your dreams come true-
to make you feel my love
When I finished I saw that Rayna was crying but had this huge smile on her face which put one on mine to. Soon the entire audience was on their feet clapping and screaming. When all of the sudden you could hear someone scream, " Well are you gonna say it back or what?" Which had caused everyone to start laughing. When I got off the stage and went over to Rayna, she pulled me into a deep kiss and told me she loved me too. I can't remember a time I was every that happy unfortunately it wasn't long before I started to screw everything up.
I was getting ready to dive into another memory of us when I heard them welcome Rayna James onto the stage. When I saw her I didn't know if my heart going to either leap out of my chest or break into a million pieces. When I looked at her I realized that she looked different then when she usually is on stage to perform. Where her eyes use to shine with excitement now look dull and the smile that was plastered on her face was completely fake. I could tell she was suffering as much as I was with us being apart from one another. I couldn't help think, why couldn't I get sober sooner? She started talking to the crowd by welcoming them to the concert before she started to play a song I haven't heard before. This broke my heart because we use to write music together and now she was doing it without me. When she started to sing I swear she was looking right at me.
Imagine a world where no music was playing And think of a Church with nobody praying Have you ever looked up at a sky with no blue Then you've seen a picture of me without you
Have you walked in a garden where nothing was growing Or stood by a river where nothing was flowing If you've seen a red rose unkissed by the dew Then you've seen a picture of me without you
And you picture Heaven with no angels singing Or a quiet Sunday morning with no Church bells ringing If you've watched as the heart of a child breaks in two Then you've seen a picture of me without you
And you picture Heaven with no angels singing Or a quiet Sunday morning with no Church bells ringing If you've watched as the heart of a child breaks in two Then you've seen a picture of me without you Then you've seen a picture of me without you
By the time she finished the song I swear there was no dry eyes in the entire audience including mine. I was pretty sure that if my heart wasn't breaking before it was now. Rayna thanked everyone for coming and reminded everyone to donate money for the music programs before she literally ran off the stage. If I had to bet she ran off to cry because I noticed how she was trying to hold them back, not one to look weak in front of her fans.
I wanted to talk to her actually no, I needed to talk to her but I couldn't. So I got up and walked out taking my broken heart with me with every step I took. How can two people know they belong together and know they want to be together keep breaking one another hearts.